I honestly can’t believe I have to write this, but I’m still in shock.
A little while ago, I lost my mom unexpectedly. It was devastating and painful. We planned a small, intimate funeral, exactly how my mother would have wanted it. Just close family and those who truly mattered to her and to us.
Today, my MIL decided to tell me that she’s hurt. Because I didn’t come to her for support during that time. Because I didn’t want her to come over. Because she wasn’t invited to the funeral (mind you: she met my mom once and didn’t know her)
Just to be clear: I don’t have a close relationship with her and she has a history of ignoring boundaries and making situations about herself. This wasn’t about her in any way and now she’s managed to make even my grief about my mother’s death somehow center around her feelings.
She literally told me she felt “excluded” and that it “hurt her” that I didn’t lean on her or let her be there for me. My mom died and she’s upset that I didn’t give her a role in that process. I can’t even begin to process the audacity.
I had to vent!!! Don’t know how where to go from here..
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i am so, so sorry about your loss, no other way to say it but that sucks so much and i’m sorry. the memorial for your mom sounds lovely and perfect for her final party.
how did you react to mil saying that? because i would have been hard-pressed not to rip her throat right out.
i don’t have much advice, mostly hugs. the only advice i have for this would be responding with, “that’s a weird choice” and walking away should she ever bring it up again.
I don’t feel the need to lie to protect the feelings of others so I would probably just be really blunt.
“I’m not sure why you feel entitled to an opinion on how I have chosen to grieve the unexpected death of my mom. My choices have nothing to do with you. Your feelings were not and will not be a consideration in the choices I make. We do not have the kind of relationship where I would ever choose to rely on you for support. The fact that you think it’s acceptable to comment on my grief process just shows how out of touch you are with what is acceptable behavior.”
MIL felt “excluded”.
What MIL said to you is just unbelievable. If this was me, I would be “excluding” MIL for quite some time from my life. What an absolute despicable thing to say to you. I think you need to address her self-pity attitude. Expect MIL to take offense. Not your problem.
Does your husband know what she said to you in a very fragile period? If yes, what does he think about this.
Sorry for your loss.
I’m sorry. Honestly, I wouldn’t even give those comments an ounce of attention or importance. This isn’t about her and her feelings don’t matter whatsoever. I would maintain a healthy distance from her.
What an asshole.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Maybe just say, “I’m upset that in one of the hardest moments in my life, you’re making it about you. I don’t have it in me to comfort you or make you feel included when I just lost my mom, and it’s really insensitive for you to ask”
“ MIL, why would I reach out to you for support? You and I do not have that kind of relationship. Your feelings regarding my mother’s death are irrelevant as you met her once “
My condolences. I’m so sorry.
As for performative attention seekers like your JN, the audacity takes one’s breath away. I’d tell DH exactly how I feel about his mother inserting herself where she’s not invited and give him a chance to wrangle her. If he doesn’t, or it doesn’t stick, & she comes at me again with her pity party, this is one of those rare times where I’d look her in the eye and in my most drily sarcastic tone, say:
“I’m sorry you feel that way, it’s not about you.”
And I’d be done with her for a long time.
Just tell her ‘suck it up, Buttercup!”.
Man your husband should lay into her. Drop the rope, block her number, and quietly go NC with her.
I’m so sorry for your loss.. and the audacity. Wow. What did you say when she said that? Did she say it in person? I think i would have laughed in her face…
Wow she’s definitely making this about her no kidding. So sorry for your loss.
I like to think I would have said something like, “MIL, I know there are people who shamelessly seek attention from anybody and everybody in every situation. The bride at every wedding and the corpse at every funeral, as the saying goes. I try to avoid those people.”
But I doubt I would have thought of that in the moment.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I know how hard it is losing your mom. Shame on your MIL for making your grief all about her. I’m also angry on your behalf.
“I’m not sure what part of my intense grief over the loss of my mother, whom you met a single time, should be about you. I am being supported by the people I want to have around me during what is an incredibly difficult time. I’m focusing on my own needs, not yours.”
If it was me, I would block her. I hope your spouse tells her off for you.
My MiL is like this, too. She cried when I had to tell her about my beloved dog dying and then made her son feel like I made her cry and he got mad. The next time she showed up at our house the morning of my grandfather who raised me’s funeral, expecting to be invited. We just drove on because she didn’t bother to let us know, she just wanted to show up and fake emotional intimacy. She doesn’t need to know anything about you from now on. She’s just going to try to use it for her benefit.
“MIL, you were not the corpse at my mom’s funeral.”
“I’m sorry you feel the need to criticize how I grieve my mother.” Then block the selfish hag until you’re ready to deal with her again.
I am sorry for your loss. I also lost my mom and my MIL has used it against me. She has also gotten upset when I haven’t come to her with problems. I have no idea why these people think that we would want to come to them with their history and then feeling pressured to talk to them about personal and painful topics. If I were you, and this is what I have done – keep at arms length. Our relationship is very surface level.
Just look her straight in the eye and say flatly, “So you think my mother’s death and my grief are all about YOUR feelings.” Hold eye contact for five seconds, repeat if necessary, flat affect, and then walk away.
I’m so sorry for your loss. This is heartbreaking and you need space to grieve.
Take this stupid comment from MIL as collateral damage from perhaps what is one of the saddest times in our life (again, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through) and drop any and all ropes.
Her audacity doesn’t need processing, it needs a firm boundary and nipping in the bud. Ignore her entirely.
Take care of yourself as you endure this change in your life 🧡 prayers and best wishes coming your way.
Hugs. Just hugs.
hugs and more hugs.
Tell her she wasn’t excluded…..she was NEVER INVOLVED IN THE FIRST PLACE!!! Then tell her to turn her main character syndrome down a notch because this had nothing to do with her!!
“ wow mil way to make my mothers passing about yourself. “
My VJNgrandmother pulled that kind of shit at and after my VERYJUSTYESgrandmother’s funeral. It’s the final nail in the coffin to make me go full NC. She had me sobbing on the phone after spewing how she didn’t know how much time she had left and blah blah blah all about her her her. Then she had the audacity to tell me not to cry.
Honestly? Fuck that bitch. Your MIL can take her self-centeredness and shove it where the sun doesn’t shine.
On a lighter note, here are some phrases that may help:
“My grief is not anyone else’s business.”
“My grief isn’t about you.”
“I can’t believe you said that to me!”
“MIL, worry about you.”
“We aren’t discussing this.”
“I will not be treated this way.”
“I will not be spoken to this way.”
“I will not tolerate how you’re treating me/this situation.”
“Grief is very personal. I’m not obligated to share.”
“This is a private matter.”
“You aren’t involved.”
“This isn’t appropriate.”
“If you can’t help but to criticize how I’m grieving, you are welcome to leave.”
“You can change the subject or you can leave.”
“How I choose to grieve isn’t up for debate or discussion.”
“I didn’t ask.”
“That’s enough.”
“We’re all done. This conversation is over.”
“All done!”
“I wondered how you’d twist this around to make it all about you. Interesting.”
“The fact you’re making my mom’s death about you is disappointing. I had hoped you could be there for me like you say. What a shame.”
“Do you feel like you got the attention that you wanted?”
“What about these tactics of yours makes you think I want more time with you exactly?”
“Is that how you’re trying to convince me to trust you? By criticizing and berating me?”
“What’s your end goal here MIL? What do you want out of this?”
“Did you mean to make this all about you or do you just not know any better?”
“That’s a wild thing to say.”
“We don’t say such things out loud dear. That’s an inside thought.”
“I can’t believe you just said that. I was raised with manners!”
“It’s really sad that you think this is a kind way to comfort someone.”
Good luck. Remember you don’t have to deal with or be in contact with her if you don’t want to, especially now. Losing a parent is fucking hard and I need you to do what you need to do to protect yourself and be there for yourself. Don’t waste time placating your MIL. Grieve how YOU want and need to.
My deepest condolences and sympathy on the loss of your mum. There is never a perfect thing to say, but please know that this random internet stranger is thinking of you and empathizing with you. I hope your partner is there strong for you and that you can have some calm, peaceful time with your family without your MIL around. And don’t feel guilty about blocking her or muting her or whatever you have to do to stop her accessing you right now (or ever!). Don’t you dare feel guilty if you want space from her!
Much love
“I didn’t involve you, because it didn’t involve you.”
I am so very very sorry for your Mothers passing.
May her memory always be a blessing.
We lost our Mom in Oct 2023.
Grief came in waves that first year.
I lurk in these reddit forums from time to time, even now, maybe you can find some bits comfort there.
https://www.reddit.com/r/GriefSupport/new/
https://www.reddit.com/r/grief/new/
I’m sorry for your heartbreaking loss.
The fact that your MIL didn’t simply say, “I’m here for you, if you need me” but instead said she’s hurt that you didn’t need her, tells me everything I need to know about her.
She’s entitled, selfish, and I’m sorry she’s causing more needless pain for you.
“Thank you for your concern about my mother’s death, and my well being during this painful time.
Best: DiL”
And then ignore her. She is a self absorbed jerk.
Sending peaceful vibes your way. You don’t deserve her trying to usurp your grief for whatever weird point system she has going. It’s rude and ugly to try to make your mother‘s death all about her. Maybe she has some sort of fantasy that she’s gonna step into some sort of role that she’s imagined in her head but that’s not how it works. nobody can replace your mother. Mine‘s been gone three years now. It’s a hole.
It’s amazing how she made your mom’s death all about herself. She would have been no help at all. Sorry for your loss.
Simply put, ignore your MIL. I’m so very sorry for your loss.
Print what you wrote here and mail it to her anonymously. You put it so perfectly, she’s a self centered jerk at the very least. I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is so hard – and you don’t deserve to have any expectations placed on you as you grieve.
“MIL, I’m sorry you haven’t received the attention you need from me while I am working through my grieving process. I don’t know how to resolve that for you but my therapist’s number is xxx-xxx-xxxx if you want to work through this with a professional.”
I am SO very sorry for your loss. 💔
I lost my Mom last year and the grief still wells up if I think about her too long. Good for you for giving your Mom the service you wanted and only inviting close family and friends.
I’m infuriated for you! I hope you will ask your DH to call her and tell her that what she said was SO entitled and inappropriate, especially since she only met her ONCE and she is NOT to mention your mother to you EVER again. It’s so awful to lose a parent. I’ve lost both now and it’s beyond words. You don’t truly get it until it happens to you. I know I didn’t. 😔
I am so sorry you are going through this. I pray things get better for you soon. Is your husband being supportive of you in all of this? Also, you have every right to shut down MIL. She sounds like a self-centered fool.
Your MIL is a very very bad person and she should be ashamed of herself for acting this way.
I’m so sorry for your grief. I hope you have wonderful memories of your mom.
“You’re incredibly selfish. I’m grieving the loss of a parent and instead of being able to grieve in the way I need, you want to try to make me feel guilty about your hurt feelings? Please get over yourself. We don’t have that kind of relationship where I would want to come to you for anything and your actions like this are exactly why. Let me tell you something – I’M HURT that you would be so selfish to take something that isn’t even about you and try to make it about you. If you sincerely want to be supportive then you will please leave me be. I’m just not interested in being around someone who would act this way toward others.”
IM sorry for your loss. I can see why she’s a JNMIL
I am so sorry for your loss. Grief is a process and a path everyone walks differently. Focus on yourself. If MIL says anything reply with “Thank you. I’ll let you know if I need anything.” Which of course you don’t from her. Maybe one day but not right now. I’m sorry she’s making this more difficult for you.
Just don’t answer her. Ask your husband to get his clown mother under control.
Genuinely never heard of invites being sent out for a funeral, you either go or you don’t. 🙄 Your MIL sounds like a peach!
My condolences for your loss! Your husband needs to tell his mother to step off and shut up. Sheesh.
If you bother responding:
“MIL nothing in this situation is about you. However it illustrates perfectly why you were not involved at the level you desired.”
Good grief. I hope your husband put her in her place fast and without subtlety
I’m sorry for your loss.
Jesus you lost your mother, you didn’t go on a vacation. Just say that to her.
“I lost my mom. I didn’t do anything enjoyable. Your feelings on this, do not matter. Don’t speak to me about your feelings on my mother passing again. You didn’t know her. I’m grieving. I’m mourning and this will be about you.”
I’m sorry for your loss
“Sorry you feel that way but my loss is not about you and your feelings .”
Sorry for your loss.
Since when do you send out invitations for a funeral? People are supposed to show up to give support, not expect you to show up on their terms and ask for it.
“MIL, my loss isn’t about you.”
“MIL, not everything is about you.”
Rinse and repeat. I’m sorry for your loss, OP. My mom passed in March. It’s awful.
“You should have turned to me after your mother passed away.”
“Why? Would you have brought her back?”
I guarantee that would have shut MIL up.
I’m so sorry you lost your mother, OP. May you be blessed to move on with countless joyful moments that you shared instead of being dragged under with the weight of her passing.
Husband needs to be there for you in this time and shut that crap down with his mom, now. I would argue don’t even be polite when she says these things because you’re grieving and it’s not the time for her to be center of attention.
“If you gotta an issue, here’s a tissue.”
“I didn’t need you.”
I don’t comment a lot, but I’ve lost too many people too close together not to get a little tetchy about this one.
this is where I’d like you to go from here. Next time anything comes up around this….and I hope it doesn’t, but if it does…I’d like you to take a breath, look her dead in the eye and say very very calmly “My mother died. You’re telling me the thing I should be thinking about right now is YOUR FEELINGS. Am I getting that straight?”
“Blah blah blah I wanted to comfort you, you aren’t treating me like I’m important, matriarch energy, poor widdle me, blah blah.”
Rinse and repeat and never, ever give her an ounce of energy.
“So what your saying is, and I want to be sure I’m hearing this, is, my mother died and you want me to be thinking about your feelings.”
The more calmly you do it, the more you will hurt her. If that’s something you don’t mind doing. I’d be happy to come do it for you.
I miss my Mom.
“My mums death and my grief is not all about you and how you feel”
Right there with you OP! My Mom died 7 months ago and my MIL asked my DH if she could talk to me to comfort me. Then she literally talked to me for five seconds and said- oh, you’re doing fine- and then talked about how hard her life is blah blah blah. It was the day after my mom passed and I lost it. What a b***h. I could understand you never wanting anything to do with her again , especially after her acting that way to you during such a fragile time. I’m so sorry for the loss of your Mom. It’s an awful, earth-shattering loss and how dare MIL make it about her. Do whatever you have to do to grieve without giving an ounce of that emotion and energy to her. Sending internet hugs to you in this time of loss.
When I called my mom to let her know that my dad had died (they were divorced), she briefly offered words of comf until jarringly switching the topic of his social security check. Because she never remarried, she was entitled to get his checks, which were much more than hers. So, she wanted me to make an appointment with Social Security to do the paperwork. I told her off. She divorced dad, not me!
Yuck! What a narcissist. I’m sorry for your loss. Ditch the narc
OP, send MIL a message and advise her that you are somewhat baffled by how ‘My mom died and you’re upset that I didn’t give you a role in that process.’ You weren’t invited to the funeral because it was a private family affair and you had only met my mother the one and as for me leaning on you in my grief, to put this simply MIL, you and I have never had that kind of relationship. I hope that clears things up for you MIL.
When my dad passed unexpectedly, my inlaws never offered condolences however my FIL a few weeks later asked my DH how he was going to profit from the Will. My dad had never met my DH and had spoken with him only a couple times over the phone! My DH should never have repeated that to me but it was just a further indication of exactly the time of people my inlaws were. I had nothing to do with them for a number of years before they died and on the couple of occasions I was in the supermarket and saw my MIL and she attempted to try to start a conversation. mainly because she would want to be nosey I would treat her as though she was invisible and not make any eye contact at all.
“the way I feel isn’t about you”
“my mother’s funeral wasn’t about you”
“the way I grieve isn’t about you”
“my feelings about my mother aren’t about you”
“my mother’s death and the way I deal with it don’t have anything to do with your feelings”
Pick one or a combination of words like them, and literally repeat it to yourself like a dozen times a day until the words come as easily as ordering BaconEggAnCheese. The next time she says anything about it, PAUSE. Hold your breath for five seconds. Look at her. Say it.
And keep going as if you’d just said it might rain later, like it was nothing dramatic.
And do/say the same exact thing/words every single time she brings it up. I guarantee you she won’t do it a third time.
im so sorry for your loss. I dont have advice, but I can relate – sort of. my partners best friend took his own life, and my MIL questioned why the friend didn’t go to her about it. when my mum was diagnosed with cancer, she wondered why I didn’t go to her for comfort. we are not close, and she was not close with my partners late friend.
these people are just so odd sometimes. I hope you and your family are doing okay. ♡
“Are you seriously making my mother’s death about your hurt feelings?” Repeat as necessary.
As someone who had her mothers death announced to all and sundry by someone who was not remotely close to her, I avoided my mailbox for weeks because I’d get random cards from random people who didn’t know my mother (or me) who were just part of this person’s gossip chain and it would put me back to square one.
It’s disgusting behaviour. Using someone’s grief and loss to shine a light on yourself is utterly repugnant.
My MIL did something similar. She’s always wanted to be in the middle of everything. I hated the very sight of her for the longest time. She stayed with us for 3 effing days like her presence somehow helped my grief. It actually made it worse because I wasn’t given any room to do so. Now I’m angry all over again.
Excluded?? Did she think the funeral was going to be a fun little hangout?
I’m really sorry for your loss, OP. Have your partner deal with her and tell her you’re not going to be responding because you’re grieving and overwhelmed.