I am almost 21, and I live with my mom and luckily do not pay rent but instead help out around the house.
However my mom and I have a rocky relationship, it has been very strained over the course of the years with her controlling tendencies and her often taking frustrations out on me, generally bullying me, etc. A LOT of guilt tripping and manipulation, you get the picture.
The problem is, now she is REALLY on me about my spending/saving. I will admit I do overspend at times, I do owe people money, but I am diligent in paying bills on time and paying back the agreed amount-per-paycheck to the few people I owe.
I am sick of having her watch over my spending like I am 13, because we have gotten into constant arguments to the point where she’s threatened to take my cards, or sell my car or horse.
She has also taken $2000+ dollars from me over the year and pushed me into a corner where I am in no place to protest. Therefore am no longer comfortable with her having access.
I would LOVE to go to the bank, set up a new account and be done with it, but I fear she would follow through with her threats or have me kicked out, which she has threatened to do before.
Seeing if anyone here has some insight on what to do, or even if some have dealt with similar parent situations that are complicated.- I know the easy option is to set up a new account, I’m more talking about the emotional fallout/possibly having no where to go.
I don’t even like being home right now because she’s constantly on me about it. And a number of other things. There is no way for me to mediate the situation so I’m just looking for something that might lessen the fall.
Comments
It’s downright suffocating that your mom has access to your money, and you can’t let her control your future any longer. Open a new account quietly, even if it risks her wrath it’s the only way to take back your independence and prevent more emotional manipulation.
How will she know if you open an account at a different bank?
Can you find some roommates and move to your own place?
What’s your plan for reforming your overspending and tendency to be in debt?
Go withdraw some cash and stand up for yourself, you’re not a child, move out are you in college? I’m thinking moving into the dorms would be great.. make a plan and stick to it, cause right now it sounds like you’re comfy where you are except for when moms on your case..🤷🏽♀️
Who owns the horse and car? If your mom does, she can do as she pleases.
Just open a new account at a different bank. It sounds like she is mostly trying to help you. At least listen to her recommendations about wasteful spending.
Look… If you’re staying under your parents roof then 2000$ is justified for her to take it but if you don’t want her to have control over your money you should probably move out and set up a new bank account. You can’t have both ways, you gotta choose one.
Mske your mom “disappear”? Kidding…kidding…mostly
Open your own online account and ask for online statements
You are irresponsible with money and you resent you mother for trying to protect you from yourself.
And now you are here looking for advice.
My advice is GROW UP.
I’m actually in a similar position right now (sort of, my mom is chill enough but she would have a fit if I took her off my account), so here’s some suggestions/hopefully helpful questions:
Just open a new account and let her get mad.
If you are primary account holder, you can probably just call your bank and take her off the account. Look at your statement from last month — whoever’s name comes first is the primary holder. However, you may have to close the joint account and transfer your funds to a new one in your name if your bank requires her permission to be removed from the joint account. If she’s stealing $2000+ from you, you need to do this anyways.
Get a handle on your overspending. Some people are just not naturally super great with money (me!) but all that means is you have to be more conscientious about it. Track your spending for a pay period, or a month, and notice what you can cut back on (are you buying a bunch of clothes? are you splurging on a hobby, you said you have a horse? do you eat out a lot? etc.). You can use this to construct a budget, and put the money you’re cutting down on back in savings.
Figure out a way to move out. I assume you have a job? Oftentimes renting a room in a house owned by a private landlord can be much cheaper and more lenient than trying to find like a studio owned by a management company. I live in a HCOL area in the US and there’s rooms for like $800/mo around me, could you find something similar?
A credit card might give you some breathing room. Remember that credit cards are NOT free money and paying your bill is also part of your budget, and if you have a real issue with compulsive spending (again, me!) it might not be the best option. You may not qualify without a cosigner (I didn’t until I was out of college and working full-time at a fairly well paying job), but it would give you a way to spend money without having her see it.
U can open an account at a different bank in your name only make us of on line banking so no mail or statements come to the house, gradually begin shifting your funds and deposits to the new account.
Get a secret Chime, Vanilla or Green Dot card.
If you’re 21, living at home and not paying rent and still not managing to make ends meet, YOU are the problem.
And I know that sounds harsh but, you desperately need to create a budget. pay everything you owe, STOP borrowing more and start saving for your future.
Demonstrate to your mom that she has nothing to worry about!
Life is VERY hard out here. My advice is to stay where you are and be grateful someone gives AF. I know it’s not as easy as it sounds but it kind of is at the same time. Stay put, save your $$, pay off all of your debts and help out around the house. Throw Mom some money every payday and she’ll probably gladly stay off your back. Just don’t waste this time to save up and prepare for the very difficult future that lies ahead. Best of luck!
Open the other account & stop using the one she steals from.
Truth is as long as you are not paying rent you have 0 power in this dynamic. Also did you say you have a horse?!
Regardless do the math on how well off you would be if you moved out and paid rent. As long as your losing less money than you would if you laid rent imagine she has gifted you the difference and then treat her accordingly. As if she has gifted you the difference. Because that’s realistically what is going on. It’s her home and your lucky to be in it rent free. But therr are cons and some of those cons are little to no control.
Do understand that she’s trying to help save you from yourself. If you truly don’t believe you need her help then I suggest you find a way to move out and if you can’t afford to move out then it is likely that you in fact actually need her help which I feel you are lucky to have
Get her off your account immediately! You’re an adult, and she doesn’t need access to it or to see how you’re spending your money. Getting on you about your spending habits is probably her way of getting you to start saving money. The only way you’re going to learn will probably be the hard way. Yes, you can pay your bills. But what happens if you have an emergency and you don’t have any money saved?