I am mid-30s. I feel so ridiculous that this has taken so much space in my brain.
My mom (mid-60s) has just the worst handful of female friends. These are women who, at the time of growing up, were in our lives daily and felt like family.
In my teen years, one of her friends would tell her daughter all my moms deepest most inappropriate secrets. That daughter then would tell me. I found out about my parents divorced… from her… months in advance.
When I got married, my mom insisted on inviting two of her girl friends. BOTH separately & unrelated didn’t show up. One texted day of. Nothing from the other one.
I feel like I could go on and on.
I like my mom, we are close, we talk frequently. She would never do the things her friends do, she often says how rude or disrespectful they are. But she maintains strong friendships with them and now I’m an adult and I feel like it’s a reflection on my mom.. like wtf is wrong with you having these people in your life. And wtf is wrong with you having these people in your children’s life. It makes me mad at her!
I feel like this is not the age to confront her or expect my mom to change or change her friendships. Just curious for any advice or commiserating?
Comments
I hate to say it but at 65, they aren’t changing. It sucks to not confide in your mom. I would keep private anything you don’t want the friends knowing if your mom tells them everything.
If she already knows how you feel, you’ve told her your feelings and done your part. Beyond that, it’s her decision. I’m sure you wish she was stronger and more secure to fine a better group of friends. She admittedly knows it’s rude and disrespectful; it’s her choice to be their punching bags or choose other friends.
If she likes to complain about how they treat her, you could say, “Mom, I have heard about Jane and Sophie for many years now, and it’s distressing how they treat you. I understand that you’ve opted to stay friends with them despite their patterns of poor treatment toward you. I will always support you when you are ready to find better friends. For now, I’d like to change the subject beyond their usual poor behavior, as it’s not changing for the better.”