My Mom is in Therapy and Wants to Connect, I Think

Trauma/throwaway account because reasons.

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Dear Reddit,

So my mom’s in therapy.  And she wants to connect.  Or something.  

I find it very off-putting.

Here’s the context:

I (42 F) was brought up in a very Christian home.  I, too, was very Christian from about ages 2-22, less so/not at all until about 30, and thereafter not at all.  

My mother (65F) and father (64M) remain deeply evangelical.

During my childhood, I was neglected.  They had me as college kids– and in their young and energetic efforts to produce a good Christian I had– a lot of physical discipline.  CPS visited, but really never did anything.  Then they were working, and summers for me meant staying alone in the house while they worked.  My mom got mad at me for how I was a bad representation of Christ due to the trichotillomania, which admittedly made me look weird (bald patch and no eyelashes or eyebrows).

I grew up, went to the college they picked out for me, and got married.  They paid for the wedding (10K).

I live in their old house and rent it from them.

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So a couple of days ago, my mom calls.  She wants to plant (ugly) flowers in my front yard. (To be fair, the dandelions were many and tall.)

She also wants to ask how my marriage is going.  She also wants to talk about my high school life, for some reason.  

But– she’s a really bad listener.  And I do mean, a really bad listener.  She’ll ask a probing question, and then cut me off and go off on a tangent.  She has answers from me all scripted and she doesn’t wait for input.  And, because she’s an evangelical, this is all phrased in the form of a sales pitch.

She wanted to talk about the way they told me I couldn’t participate in the high school sports I wanted to be in.  (I’d wanted to be on the women’s wrestling team.)  Before that, they’d made me do piano instead of hockey.  The reasoning was that they didn’t want me to be around potential lesbians.

She asked about my high school boyfriends– but then filled in with all her memories– she somehow remembered the guy I liked in eighth grade, and the guy I dated for two weeks, and the anime-guy who was the son of her co-worker who literally just sat next to me in AP English.  And that was it.  She was sure there wasn’t anyone else, and changed the subject/talked over me.  Or maybe I was just letting her talk.

Because this was actually kind of amazing to me.

The actual guy I was in love with in high school, I’ll call Soren. I had his picture in my room.  I had us pray for him at (nightly) family prayer time for months.  She specifically warned me away from him because he wasn’t a Christian and therefore could be a tool of the devil (incidentally, neither was anime-guy and 8th grade crush).

I wonder if she might be having some sort of early-onset memory loss. Or maybe it’s because Soren was probably trans.

She also wanted to let me know how hard she and my dad had prayed for me after I started dating my now husband (52, M).

This, I don’t appreciate.  Maybe it’s not fair to them, but YA me was really expecting them to just– dramatically forbid me to date him, if that was how they felt.  Then I could tragically part from my boyfriend on not-my-fault terms.  

They fully paid for the wedding, though.  I didn’t want to get married, and probably wouldn’t have if I’d had to pay for things.  Afterwards, it was abusive for a while, and I had a mental health breakdown.

I remember once during this time they said I could stay with them, and we could talk about rent.  Meaning, renting me my childhood bedroom, which I’d have to pay in addition to my apartment lease, and (possibly, maybe I misread) paying them back 10K.  Mind you, I was entering a dissociative episode.

It made more financial sense to stay where I was.

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I think I resent this partly because she spent my childhood telling me that we’d have a great relationship once I was older.  Well, ha.  I am, and we don’t.

Maybe it’s because the surest way to get told ‘no’ growing up, was to ask for anything.  As an adult, when I was living in a crappy apartment with a crazy, dangerous neighbor, I asked for an extra key to their house if I had to get out, and she said no, because keys ‘cost too much’ to duplicate.

I shouldn’t say they’re all bad, or anything.  When I had to go to the ER earlier this year, they really stepped up and took care of the kids for the day I was in surgery.  I was fully expecting them to say no.  

She did also say that she was very proud of me and what a good mother I am.  

So I guess my question is: should I try to talk to my mom, now that she’s reaching out?  Should I try to find out if there’s something she wants, other than the Jesus-pitch?

I feel like she’s wanting to build some kind of bridge here, but really doesn’t have the communication skills to get whatever it is she wants. Should I shut her down? Or ask her to set up an appointment for me and her?

Sorry if this is venty and ranty.

Tl;dr: my mom is bringing up a lot of stuff from my childhood, and I don’t know why she wants a less-superficial relationship.