I love my mom so much, and I know she loves my son deeply too. She’s always been there for us, and I’m truly grateful. But lately, she’s been spoiling him to the point where it’s starting to affect how he listens to me. She buys him everything, gives in when I’ve already said no, and sometimes completely ignores the boundaries I’ve set.
It hurts, because I know she means well, she just wants to be a loving grandma. But I’m his mother, and I’m trying my best to raise him with structure and respect. I feel torn between keeping peace with her and doing what I know is best for my son.
How do I talk to her about this without hurting her or making her feel unappreciated?
Comments
You’re the parent, not the side character in Grandma’s fairy tale. Set the boundary now or her love will rewrite your rules faster than you can say no more cookies.
Ask yourself, how did she act towards your grandmother? Did she let your grandmother act the way she’s acting?
Tell her that she HAS TO respect your parenting decisions and boundaries, or she loses access to your son. Plain and simple.
And then stick to it. She WILL push back.
I agree with most, set a boundary. However, I will say, grandparents spoiling ur kid can be a good problem to have.
Context: My oldest daughter had really bad bowel movement problems when she was young. Physical or psychological we never really found out. I would stay up with her late at night when it flared up. You ever have to give your kid doctor prescribed enemas and have to clutch them in your arms as they convulse in pain to pass a movement they’ve had in their system for days? Pretty rough. Strict diet. It was tough. She goes to grandmas for a sleepover. And grandma, with specific instructions, completely ignores the diet and feeds her yummy snack foods that mess everything up. Who deals with the aftermath? Me. Fast forward 15ish years and they have an amazing relationship. Did I have to set some boundaries? Yep. But those were medically important. The rest, I let grandma have fun. You want that relationship. But not at the cost of your kids well being. Compromise to your best ability, but put your kid 1st, you 2nd, and grandma 3rd.
DEAR MAN
The acronym DEAR MAN is a strategy for communicating effectively. Its intended to help you express your wants and needs in a way that is respectful to yourself and to others, ideally leading to positive outcomes from your interactions.
Describe
Clearly and concisely describe the facts of the situation, without any judgment.
Express
Use “I™ statements to express your emotions.
“I’ve been feeling frustrated & ignored by you when I express to you that you are spoiling my child and you continue doing so.”
Assert
Clearly state what you want or need. Be specific when giving instructions or making requests.
“I need you to hear my requests & respect the fact that while I appreciate him having such a loving grandmother, I am his mother & it is for me to decide when positive experiences/treats are becoming overindulgent”
Reinforce
Reward the other person if they respond well to you.
Smiling, saying “thank you”, and other kind gestures work well as reinforcement.
Mindfulness
Being mindful of your goal means not getting sidetracked or distracted by other issues/emotional responses
“I would like for you to understand that I am the parent in this situation and it creates conflict with my child when you dismiss my boundaries because he feels that I am being unfair.”
Appear confident
Use body language to show confidence, even if you don’t feel it.
Stand up straight, make appropriate eye contact, speak clearly, and avoid fidgeting.
Negotiate
Know the limits of what you are willing to accept, but be willing to compromise within them.
“I understand that it is important to you to be able to have the opportunity to spoil your grandchildren with gifts/experiences, I would be happy to see him have a date with grandma once a month your treat”
Please adjust this to your personal experience I just find examples helpful hehe