I(17f) live with just my dad in Seattle because my half-sister is in college and my mom has something called Delusional Disorder (similar to schizophrenia if you don’t know what that is), which has made her fear our old naturopathic doctor we went to in 2020. To sum it up she thinks he’s in love with her, she almost divorced my dad to leave him for the doctor in 2021 because she was also in love with him, but didn’t go through with it and now the doctor hates her and it tormenting her for it. All of this was communicated to her telepathically, the doctor never actually said he was in love with her in fact, he’s happily married with children. So she had a bunch of predictions that the doctor was gonna kill my dads parents in a fire in 2022(who live across the country), kill my dad and permanently disable me where i’d be in excruciating pain all the time. He would do this all telepathically not in person btw. None of it happened ofc, but anyways she left to Portland in 2022, legally changed her name, and is off the grid because she still has the prediction that i am gonna be permanently disabled, my dad is gonna die and she would have to go WA to take care of me and the doctor would torture her when she goes back up to WA (only after i am disabled he will torture her, she still visits us) anyways for the past 3 years now she’s been trying to get us to move with her to Portland even though my dad has a job here and i am blessed with free college at a tech school that i will lose if i move. she attempted to end her life 3 weeks ago because on top of the delusions she already has, she was having another wave of delusions that a man in oregon (one of her clients because she is an escort) is trying to frame her for murder. and she’s been really stressed on top of that. She escorts to be “untraceable” incase i get disabled and so the cops or whoever wouldn’t be able to get her to come up to WA. On top of this she has coerced me into taking Ket when i was 15 because she thought it would help my depression (i said no for an hour and she sat there and talked me into it saying i’m not doing enough for my depression implying i don’t actually want to get better), has given me shrooms since age 15 and weed since 14. She just got released from the mental hospital after her attempt and thinks my dad and I are moving to oregon with her and thinks her and my dad are getting back tg…(they’re legally married but not really in a relationship, idk they’re weird). ALSO! My dad’s family has NO idea this has been going on since 2021 and they think we all live together in Seattle and they’re happily married… he’s too ashamed to tell them i guess. They live across the country btw so that’s why they don’t know. So what i need opinions on is she’s now threatening if at least me specifically does not move with her to portland she will end her life and since she attempted to with a gun(it jammed thank god), and attempted (in front of me might i add) when i was 5, i believe there’s a great chance she actually will. But it’s also like, i shouldn’t have to uproot my entire life for your delusions that aren’t based in reality and obviously it follows you wherever you go bc she believes the oregon client is trying to frame her for murder. My dad’s also not forcing me to move, and wouldn’t let me move with her alone. It’s mainly up to me if I want us to all move to oregon since she’s my mom. SO ITS A LOT OF PRESSURE ON ME. Like an unbearable amount of pressure as you can imagine. I talked to my half-sister about it (my dad’s daughter btw), and she said that my mom is “emotionally blackmailing me.” also my mom raised my half-sister and emotionally abused her her entire life, literally bullied a child. She also physically abused me for not understanding my math homework as an elementary schooler (she was homeschooling me and i had undiagnosed learning disabilities at the time). I’m not going to try and diagnose but my mom has extreme narcissistic behaviors (way before the Delusional Disorder btw), even my therapist called it out when i quoted things she’s verbatim said/done. My dad believes the delusional disorder could be cause by the stress she endured after my older half brother (her son), molested me as an infant and had to live with his dad and never see me again. Although I know this is not my fault, i feel guilty that what happened to me could’ve caused her delusional disorder, although i’m not entirely sure that it was the root cause. This has been making me very stressed as you can imagine. I’m unable to get out of bed and make proper meals most days, causing me to be underweight. My hair was thinning not too long ago and my skin picking issue has gotten worse. I have headaches from clenching my jaw so much Knots in my neck, shoulders and back, and nightmares about my mom ending her life. I feel very alone because if im going to be honest, i only have one friend at the moment and i also feel very isolated in my family. My mom and I were extremely close before she left in 2022 and I feel like i’m grieving my parent who is still alive. Ik this sounds fake, i genuinely wish it was but i promise you i cannot make this up so please give your input on the situation, thank you.
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Honestly, your mom needs to be institutionalized until they get her on the right medication regimen because she’s a danger to herself and possibly others. You shouldn’t move in with her because she’s not stable, you’re not her caretaker, and you don’t want to. Your sister is right, she’s using emotional blackmail right now. Sorry you’re going through this.
Don’t uproot your life for your mum. A good saying to remember, “don’t set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.”
Your half sister is completely right, your mum is emotionally blackmailing you, and emotional blackmail is emotional abuse.
You say you have a therapist, that’s great! I’d run this past them, and it would even be worth a call straight away to tell them that your mum is making these threats. With a history of attempts (especially as she’s just got out of hospital after one) it will be taken seriously.
If your mum is serious, she will end up back in hospital where she will be kept safe from herself. If she is using it as blackmail, she will find out it’s not that much fun and doesn’t get her what she wants.
Your mother’s problems are not yours to deal with, and emotional blackmail is not ok. Go live your life, and call the people whose job it is to deal with her problems. 🫶
I say this with empathy, as someone who has worked for years in mental health. Your mom is sick, she needs help. If she’s threatening to hurt herself, moving or giving her what she’s asking for isn’t going to make her better. The most compassionate response, though I can imagine incredibly difficult, is to take her threat seriously -every time- and call emergency services to check on her. Best case, she wasn’t being serious and she gets mad at you for calling- but hopefully the paramedics/cops etc see how sick she is and she gets help. Worst case, she was being serious- but you took action and she gets help. Her behaviour, her actions are nobody’s responsibility but hers and hers alone. 💛
Do not move, you cannot be responsible for her well-being. What happens if her delusions convince her you are the problem, or by killing you, it will send you to heaven, or release you from someone else’s telepathic sway? That gun could point at you very easily.
You need to be safe, first and foremost. Don’t let her delusions rule your life the way they rule hers.
I have a mother with delusions as well. I’m very sorry. Mine would come in the room at night and start fires and perform an exorcism on me, I was a kid. She’s tried to kill me several times.
I’m 40 now and my mother is not better. She has “waves” where she seems better but it always ends the same way. She’s the same always. She’s done sicker things since I was a kid. I maintain low contact atm as she is elderly. Usually I’m what’s called “no contact,” which is where I block any way she can contact me and never contact her. She’s broken into my house, desecrated my son’s grave, attempted to take my other child, sent me massive amounts of packages, etc in attempt for me to contact her, as even the police coming to arrest her is exciting to her (it’s control over me).
If I can give you advice, it’s to start grieving her and start therapy on how to go no contact and stay that way forever. Basically people like us don’t just have a non-mother, we have a psychotic “dead” (nonexistent in the role) person still able to terrify us while the world says “aww” and tells us to be near them.
Never ever live with her. Ever.
It’s more about your feelings and learning to sit in the grief even though your mom is alive, and letting her go as if dead. She is already gone my friend. She’s not going to get better one day.
Don’t call the cops. Don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her advice. Don’t send a card. Don’t call at Christmas. It’s okay to hurt her to save you, to stop the cycle.
Let the trash take itself out!
You’re not responsible for her feelings of her actions. Please take care of yourself xx
I had to go no contact with my mother as threatening unaliving was something she did frequently and I could not cope any more. It’s been 10 years and she didn’t die, they find a way to cope without you
It is not safe for you to live with her and not your responsibility if she does commit suicide. She is dangerously mentally unstable and should be taken into custody for an involuntary psychiatric hold if she isn’t willing to go in.
Cut her off. Seriously. My mother had Delusion DIsorder and it never got better. I cut her off 30 years ago. It’s super hard to get somebody committed. You have to take care of yourself
This is all the more reason to never move in with your mom. She needs serious, hardcore mental health help and you need to stay out of it. You are too young to be a caretaker and you have your whole life ahead of you to get established.
Furthermore, your half sister is correct. Your mom is emotionally abusive and that takes its toll, which you are seeing the effects of. Your mom is coping with her loss of control by abusing you. I would 100% firmly tell your dad this is not healthy and you want nothing to do with it. Then tell your mom you won’t be moving back in. If you feel like she’s actually going to try an attempt on her life after that, call the police for a wellness check. After that, significantly reduce contact with her to almost 0 as much as you can. You will need to look into no contact as an option as you get older for your own safety and mental health.
If you had said your mom was vanlifing it in Portland, I’d be like.. I MET YOUR MOM!!
Anyway, the thing I think you should consider is that people have power in your life when you choose to give them that power.
I’m going to say this “If anything ever happens, it’s NOT your fault. “
I wonder if a professional hypnosis session might help her.
Your dad is also the problem here. Report her to the local authorities and let them know she needs mental health support. Your dad should not be okay with you moving out there, she is a danger to herself and likely others. The fact she has firearms is a huge red issue. She needs to be treated, you moving there won’t help anything. Her legal spouse needs to deal with the the situation and push for getting her help. If not he needs to seek divorce because he is financially liable for anything she does.
Anything she does is not your fault!
My mum has tried this one me TWICE she doesn’t have a mental illness – she’s old and I believe has the very start of dementia. I had to get someone to check on her because she wouldn’t answer her phone after she threaten me to ‘close all her windows and hope she does over night’. That was the last straw for me. I’m 39 and life has taught me two things, people are to afraid to die to end it themselves. 2 – people know how to use emotional abuse to get what they want. Bonus – unless you’re a full time carer like myself – no one else’s life is dependant on you filling their emotional wishes. If by the odd chance your mum does kill herself that was her own doing and her own choice. You have no control over what others do with their lives. I get a lot of emotional abuse from my mum. You know how I handle it? I walk away. Try it! Do not move in with your mother. From personal experience – this will ruin your relationship further. She wants you to take care of her but you’re 17 and you have your own life to live. Her life is not your responsibility. DO NOT GIVE IN!
You are not responsible for your mother. You are not responsible for your mother’s choices. You are not responsible for your mother’s wellbeing. You are not responsible for your mother’s safety. You are not responsible.
Let this mantra seep into your being whenever you feel like you need to make a choice. You don’t, and the answer should ALWAYS be no. You are not required to sacrifice your safety and wellbeing to save someone else (you won’t), least of all someone who has time and again let you down.
You can love someone AND know they are no good for you, and keep then out of your life. And I am sorry your dad is so apparently lame at keeping you (and your half sister) safe. Your adults aren’t doing a great job of being parents and I am very glad that your half sister is a voice of reason. She’s the one to listen to, if anyone!
Please focus on your future at college, and how you would like your life to look, and who should, and who shouldn’t be in it. You deserve safety, peace and protection from people who truly love you and can do so in a healthy way.
It’s not safe with her, don’t go.
Talk to your dad about this, and continue to work with your therapist.
You are not your mother’s emotional support animal, and you deserve to have your own life. You are correct in addition with her attempting to emotionally manipulate her you are grieving, and that is perfectly normal.
IMO you need to limit contact for your mental health. Switch to more online (text/email) and only answer the phone occassionally if she is on a delusional rant. Get off the phone immediately!
Put your focus on dealing with your own health issues, she has to want to help herself. You are not responsible for the choices she has made or will make in the future.
She will destroy you and your future if you move in with her. Threats of self harm is an abusive emotional manipulation tactic.
The number one way to deal with people like that is every time they say that, you call the police to do a welfare check on them.
Never sacrifice your own wellbeing to manage the feelings of an abuser. The only thing that will happen is they will drown you.
That is pure manipulation. Don’t allow it in your life. Set your boundaries, and hold them. I know she’s your mom, but she is not at a place where she is able to think about what is best for you, or even what’s best for herself. She needs help from professionals. You need to protect yourself. Also, this is not your fault, and it is not your job to fix her. If I were you I would go no contact. You can’t have a healthy relationship with her in her current mental state.
You’re getting so much good advice here but i want to add a couple things. Your father should be doing more to shield you from her. He is responsible for your safety.
You need to distance yourself from your mother. Emotionally and physically. You aren’t responsible to prevent her doing harm to herself. You are your self at risk of harm from her. It doesn’t mean you love her less, but you need to put yourself first.
I don’t know if they would help because you are a minor but perhaps a women’s shelter could be a refuge for you. It would be very private and you start getting yourself sorted.
Please prioritize your school work and ensure your own future. 🫶☘️🫂
No matter the circumstances, any time someone threatens self harm call it in. Whether its the non emergency line or even the actual emergency line (its a serious threat) it needs to be reported. Think of it as a cry for help.
Whatever your Mother does is not on you. You are not responsible for her. If you are concerned about her well being, make a call to the local police department for a wellness check. Give them some info on the stuff she has been saying/doing
Then take a deep breath and realize that you are not her caretaker. You cannot control her mental health.
There is no decision to be made. Stay with your Dad and go to school. Your safety and well being comes first. You are not responsible for her mental state. Consider going to therapy, perhaps even group therapy. You might be misidentifying grief for guilt. This is an incredibly sad situation, that your Mom is so unwell, that she is unable to be a Mom to you. You might be clinically depressed. (It’s ok, it happens you’re dealing with a lot.) Focus on your own well being. Pursue your dreams. Take care of your own mental health (everyone should have this on their to do list): eat a healthy, diet, get rest, exercise, do fun things. You sound like a great kid, and your sister has your back. Let us kno how things work out!
I’m going to say this with a lot of love: given her history, your mother may attempt and succeed irrespective of where you live – with her or without her. She needs help and… you can’t pour from an empty cup.
What you need to do:
Stay with your dad in Seattle
Stay in school
Invest and invest and invest in your own mental health. More therapy, meds if you need, and get yourself to a stable point and one where you feel well. This is about the inner you. Not the daughter, not the sister, not the friend. The human being that is inside you waiting to bring amazing things into the world. She’s there… you need to reacquaint yourself with her and support her.
You are being called up to say “no” to your mom, and that’s the only way. If you say “yes” and she destroys you and takes her own life anyways you will be much further behind than you are now. Say “no”, offer her the number of a psychiatrist or the ER at the hospital in Portland and let her know you love her, but you can’t make a further sacrifice. She may take her life… and no matter where you are living… you have zero responsibility for that. Zero. Zero. It’s not your burden to keep carrying.
You are only 17 – this is a lot of weight. Stay strong. Get well yourself. You take care of you, your mom has to find a way to take care of herself.
Big internet hugs to you.
The second anyone threatens to harm themselves due to your noncompliance with their demands you call their local emergency services number and ask for help because that person has made a credible threat of harm to self and/or others.
Either they get to spend time in an involuntary hold, which can have severe consequences, or they unfuck themselves art least to the extent they don’t try that horseshit again.
It’s called coercive control and it is a form of abuse intended to get you to do their dirty work for them and screw that.
From what you have said, it is not safe for you to live with her.
I think the best thing you can do if she is this badly off is convince her adult relatives to seek to get her into a hospital, where she can monitored and treated.
You can’t save your mom!
You can only save yourself!
None of this is your fault. You are the child and should not have to deal with this. It’s not safe for you to be with your mom. Whatever she does or doesn’t do is not on you. You can’t save another person or make them get better. Only your mom can take the steps to save herself.
Please don’t give in to her as it will show her that she can get her way with this type of manipulation. If you can talk to your father safely about this, please do so. He can be the one to encourage her to get her help.
In any case, none of this is on you. Please stay safe and keep your scholarship and build a good life for yourself. If possible could you get into therapy yourself to help you process all of this? I’m wishing you all the best.
Maybe post this to r/askdocs for some psychiatric input
I’m so sorry. It’s not your fault your mother is insane. Please try not to feel any guilt about not complying.
That’s a lot, seriously. There are a few points to keep in mind:
Nothing you did caused your Mom to have this disorder.
You don’t have any special power to fix her.
Institutionalization is the only solution for your mother, but it may not happen and that still won’t be your fault.
You deserve to live your own life. Sacrificing that for someone you can’t actually help would be tragic.
I can’t really comment on this except for a story from a paperback from the 70s. Every time a man got engaged his mother became ill and he broke off the engagement. The third time it happened he sought advice which was to go ahead with the wedding. (This sounds very like the story of a secretary I once had.) He was not required to arrange his life to suit his mother. So he married and his mother did not die. After that, she accepted that her attempted manipulation had failed. Your mother is more of a problem, and I am not qualified. My wife is now in a nursing home with dementia so my case is very different from yours.
Do not move in with her. Instead, call the police and tell them that your mother has threatened to kill herself and that she needs a wellness check. Hopefully they institutionalize her because of this and she is able to get the help she needs. I would also recommend therapy for you and the whole family so you all can heal over what you all have been through.