I’ve lived with my mom in a one-bedroom apartment for the past five years, while she slept in the dining room. i’ve always been really close with her and we’ve been through a lot together. we’ve always shared the same goals and been a team. We never had enough money to move until about a month ago when we finally were able to get a two bedroom apartment in the same complex. We’ve waited for a really long time to have our own space but everything took a turn as soon as we got here.
my mom has always been an alcoholic. on a normal day, she starts drinking beer within about an hour of being awake, and doesn’t stop until she has her last one before bed. it’s not the worst alcoholism ever and I’ve learned to deal with how she can get later in the day. some days just get a lot worse than others.
One week before our move-in date, we took a trip to Texas to see family and immediately had to move within a couple days of being back home. I won’t lie, our apartment was a bit of a train wreck. we have a lot of stuff, and packing was no longer an option due to procrastination. my boyfriend helped us move to the absolute best of his ability, making sure we had everything we needed for packing while he moved large furniture and full storage bins for a week straight with very minimal sleep or breaks.
since the beginning of moving, my mom had been complaining to my boyfriend because she thought that I wasn’t doing enough. he disagreed but remained respectful with her and would just tell me that he knew all the things she was saying weren’t true. The reality was, while I would pack boxes for my boyfriend to move, my mom would stand in the kitchen and drink. multiple times she asked my boyfriend to get her more packs of beer, and eventually, she drank half of the bottle of Jager my boyfriend bought me for my birthday. I ended up being the one packing all of both of our bathroom things (that being a full size storage bin full of things she’s collected since the 2000s), almost all of our kitchen supplies, along with everything in my room and both of our closets, so i’m not quite sure what she did other than food and a few fragile items.
we got into many quarrels over moving, which is to be expected. towards the last days of moving, it was just me and my boyfriend trying to get this over with. my boyfriend and I handled getting extensions for the old apartment and the moving van aswell, which i ended up calling out of both of my jobs multiple times for and lost a promotion opportunity because of it. my mom laid on the couch and drank while listening to her online meetings, making the excuse for extending the old apartment to be “tell them your mom got the flu”.
finally on the seventh day of moving at 8 AM, my boyfriend and I turned in the keys and we were done. we were exhausted and slept the rest of the day. when we woke up, my mom was still being very passive aggressive, but we thought nothing of it. My boyfriend is very attentive to my dog, which is the most important thing in my life. He noticed that my dog was showing signs of dehydration, and we both noticed that his water bowl was bone dry multiple times during moving. My mom has claimed responsibility of feeding and giving him water, which I will do if I notice that she hasn’t, but we were so busy during moving that I rarely had time to check. When he politely brought it up with my mom that Dustin seemed dehydrated, she took it as a personal attack and started yelling at me. He attempted to defend me, but she refused to listen.
she left my room and my boyfriend decided to take a shower. while he was showering, my mom came in my room and started another argument, asking why I was arguing after she came in my room to argue lol. She said she won’t be disrespected in her own house, to which I said I pay for too, then she denied it and kicked me out. my boyfriend got out of the shower and I immediately informed him what was going on while quickly packing my things. She refused to hear a single word out of either of us after that, even after my boyfriend made attempts to calm her down with a conversation. eventually, he just told her “you’re making a mistake.” then we left.
since then, it’s been an even longer story being homeless. in short terms, my dog immediately got sick, which he paid the gigantic bill for. I stayed at his dorm a few days, but he dropped too many classes and got kicked out, which led to the three of us living in his car, our friend’s house, hotels, and campsites in various places for three weeks, until he drove back to his home state for summer and i went back home. it’s been stressful, but I can still call it the best vacation of my life.
our friend that introduced us helped us a lot during all of this, and she offered us to move in with her and her boyfriend later on this summer. I really think it’s time to start a new chapter in my life, but I’m still really conflicted about helping my mom pay rent and live a healthy life. I always feel like I need to take care of her and I feel really guilty just leaving her like this even after she betrayed me. My mom and I talked only a few times and she had no idea of anything that happened the entire time other than my dog being sick. I could tell she still cared and worried about us, and wondered when we were coming back.
it’s been a week since getting home and I’m still getting used to it. My mom has given me updates about the apartment and other things but seems to know that I’m not sure what I’ll be doing in the future. We haven’t planned on really talking about everything yet. talking about moving out and what I’ll do with our shared car is a shock to me.
TL;DR
– just moved from a one bedroom to a two bedroom apartment with my alcoholic mom, who i feel i need to support but have recently had conflicts with. i was kicked out and didn’t come back for 3 weeks, and now i have the option to move in with my boyfriend but i am undecided.
Comments
Backup of the post’s body: I’ve lived with my mom in a one-bedroom apartment for the past five years, while she slept in the dining room. i’ve always been really close with her and we’ve been through a lot together. we’ve always shared the same goal goals and been a team. We never had enough money to move until about a month ago when we finally were able to get a two bedroom apartment in the same complex. We’ve waited for a really long time to have our own space but everything took a turn as soon as we got here.
my mom has always been an alcoholic. on a normal day, she starts drinking beer within about an hour of being awake, and doesn’t stop until she has her last one before bed. it’s not the worst alcoholism ever and I’ve learned to deal with how she can get later in the day. some days just get a lot worse than others.
One week before our move-in date, we took a trip to Texas to see family and immediately had to move within a couple days of being back home. I won’t lie, our apartment was a bit of a train wreck. we have a lot of stuff, and packing was no longer an option due to procrastination. my boyfriend helped us move to the absolute best of his ability, making sure we had everything we needed for packing while he moved large furniture and full storage bins for a week straight with very minimal sleep or breaks.
since the beginning of moving, my mom had been complaining to my boyfriend because she thought that I wasn’t doing enough. he disagreed but remained respectful with her and would just tell me that he knew all the things she was saying weren’t true. The reality was well I would pack boxes for my boyfriend to move, my mom would stand in the kitchen and drink. multiple times she asked my boyfriend to get her more packs of beer, and eventually, she drank half of the bottle of Jager my boyfriend bought me for my birthday. I ended up being the one packing all of both of our bathroom things (that being a full size storage bin full of things she’s collected since the 2000s), almost all of our kitchen supplies, along with everything in my room and both of our closets, so i’m not quite sure what she did other than food and a few fragile items.
we got into many quarrels over moving, which is to be expected. towards the last days of moving, it was just me and my boyfriend trying to get this over with. my boyfriend and I handled getting extensions for the old apartment and the moving van aswell, which i ended up calling out of work multiple times for and lost a promotion opportunity because of it. my mom laid on the couch and drank while listening to her online meetings, making the excuse for extending the old apartment to be “tell them your mom got the flu”.
finally on the seventh day of moving at 8 AM, my boyfriend and I turned in the keys and we were done. we were exhausted and slept the rest of the day. when we woke up, my mom was still being very passive aggressive, but we thought nothing of it. My boyfriend is very attentive to my dog, which is the most important thing in my life. He noticed that my dog was showing signs of dehydration, and we both noticed that his water bowl was bone dry multiple times during moving. My mom has claimed responsibility of feeding and giving him water, which I will do if I notice that she hasn’t, but we were so busy during moving that I rarely had time to check. When he politely brought it up with my mom that Dustin seemed dehydrated, she took it as a personal attack and started yelling at me. He attempted to defend me, but she refused to listen.
she left my room and my boyfriend decided to take a shower shower while he was showering. My mom came in my room and started another argument, asking why I was arguing after she came in my room to argue. She said she won’t be disrespected in her own house, to which I said I pay for too, then she denied it and kicked me out. my boyfriend got out of the shower and I immediately informed him what was going on while quickly packing my things. She refused to hear a single word out of either of us after that, even after my boyfriend made attempts to calm her down with a conversation. eventually, he just told her “you’re making a mistake.” then we left.
since then, it’s been an even longer story being homeless. in short terms, my dog immediately got sick, which he paid the gigantic bill for. I stayed at his dorm a few days, but he dropped too many classes and got kicked out, which led to the three of us living in his car, our friend’s house, hotels, and campsites in various places for three weeks, until he drove back to his home state for summer and i went back home. it’s been stressful, but I can still call it the best vacation of my life.
our friend that introduced us helped us a lot during all of this, and she offered us to move in with her and her boyfriend later on this summer. I really think it’s time to start a new chapter in my life, but I’m still really conflicted about helping my mom pay rent and live a healthy life. I always feel like I need to take care of her and I feel really guilty just leaving her like this even after she betrayed me. My mom and I talked only a few times and she had no idea of anything that happened the entire time other than my dog being sick. I could tell she still cared and worried about us, and wondered when we were coming back.
it’s been a week since getting home and I’m still getting used to it. My mom has given me updates about the apartment and other things but seems to know that I’m not sure what I’ll be doing in the future. We haven’t planned on really talking about everything yet. talking about moving out and what I’ll do with our shared car is a shock to me.
TL;DR
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Thanks for submitting to the Two Hot Takes Podcast Subreddit! We’d like to remind you that all posts are subject to being featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast. If your story is featured you’ll
get a nifty flair change to let you know and we’ll drop a link so you can see our host’s take on your story.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
I don’t think you should live with either of them.
You shouldn’t move in with a partner because you have no other option. And you definitely should not ever live with your abusive, alcoholic mother again.
Are you able to find a roommate situation?
Most importantly, you are not responsible for taking care of your mother. She is an adult and it sounds like you’ve been taking care of her since you were a child. You cannot fix her alcoholism, she has to want to. And you shouldn’t enable her, which is what you’ve unintentionally been doing due to the parent/child dynamic where she has the authority to make you enable her.
I’m sorry you had to go through so much, but I’m glad your boyfriend sounds like a good support for you and that you have good friends.
If you think living together is a good step for your relationship, then live with your boyfriend! If you’re unsure, find a room in a place with roommates.
Your compassion for your mother is clouding your ability to live a healthy life for yourself. If you stay inside of her mess you will continue to loose out on yourself, job opportunities, relationships, mental stability, etc.
It’s time to put yourself and your pup first.
If you are on the 2 bedroom lease she has no legal right to kick you out. If you are not.. it’s time to find another living arrangement. Perhaps she is trying to sabotage your relationship to keep you all go herself. I hope you can find your own way. Best of luck.
I think a lot of this depends on your relationship with your boyfriend. Are you going to marry him? Or are you still trying to figure that out.
Going through the stress test of homelessness and living in a car is a lot. If your relationship survived that and you each still want to live together then that sounds like a step towards your future.
But if you aren’t really sure, living together is one of the worst things you can do. You will either feel pressure to stay together or resentment will build up or something wild will happen. Ask anyone who should have broken up during the covid lockdown and couldn’t.
Most of all, you need to protect yourself and your pup. Which means never living with your mom again.
When you are a parent, you have responsibilities to the life you created. When you are the life that is created, you do NOT have the same responsibilities back. It is a one way, unfair, uneven relationship and that is how it’s supposed to be.
Your mom does not care about you, otherwise she wouldn’t have made you homeless. The more you can take that to heart, the easier it will be for you to decide.