This happened over the span of three years, but here’s the full story.
Three years ago, my mom’s husband (we’ll call him Dan) received a $60,000 settlement. I won’t get into the details of how, but let’s just say it was a large lump sum and they blew through it in less than four months. I’m 32, and I wasn’t expecting much from her anyway. We’ve never had a particularly close or healthy relationship. But then, my water got shut off.
I asked to borrow the money to pay the bill and the disconnect fee. I told her I’d pay it back in cash as soon as I could. Her answer? No. She claimed she was afraid that Dan would “expect something” from me in return… as in, sexually.
For extra context, Dan is a filthy drunk. He and my mom have been married since I was 13, so he’s basically watched me grow up. Still, that hasn’t stopped him from flirting with me right in front of her. It’s gross and uncomfortable, and it’s caused a lot of tension between my mom and me. She’s accused me on multiple occasions of sleeping with him behind her back. To be clear, I would never. That’s disgusting.
So when she told me she wouldn’t help me because she was “afraid of what Dan might expect,” I saw it for what it was… an excuse. The truth? She just didn’t want to help. And that was fine. I never yelled. I didn’t argue. I didn’t even hold it against her. (Okay maybe I did a little… But that’s neither here nor there) It was her money, her prerogative. I sucked it up and scraped by until I was able to get my water turned back on.
Fast forward to last week. I’ve just gotten my disability backpay. I’m still disabled, still trying to survive, and although this wasn’t much money… It was the largest amount I’ve had in a while. That’s when my mom texts me asking to borrow $900. I could’ve loaned it. I’ll admit that. But did I? Hell no.
Now she’s telling me she “didn’t raise me like this” and she “can’t believe I would turn her down in her time of need.” So I reminded her of the $60k, how I went without water, and how I was left to rob Peter to pay Paul while she blew through that settlement like it was nothing. Buying new TVs, getting her hair done, going on vacations, etc.… Instead of putting it in a savings account and investing.
And what did she say? “That was different. It wasn’t my money.” Which is bullshit, because we both know Dan would’ve given me that money without hesitation if she had just asked him. She didn’t because she wanted to be nasty.
So I decided to be nasty right back. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but does it feel good? Yeah. A little.
Now she’s gone crying to my aunt and uncle, telling them how selfish and cold I’ve become. Of course, she left out the part where she let me go without water while she sat on sixty grand. So when they messaged me, I told them the whole truth. Including the accusations she’s made over the years about me and Dan. Now she’s the one getting the texts… and a taste of her own medicine.
But the thing is… I actually feel a little bit guilty. At the end of the day, she’s still my mom and maybe I should have just loaned her the money… I don’t know anymore. What do you guys think? AITA?
Comments
NTA, if she thinks she ‘raised you better’ that makes one assume she thinks she is a good mother, and a good mother would not let her daughter go without the bare nessecities (hello, water?) especially if she had the means to. If she was really worried about her husband, maybe she could have told him to back off, and protect you for once because it sounds like she never has. Such an uncomfortable situation with your stepfather there, it gives me the ick so hard
NTA
Actually, you did raise me like that.
We do not have the type of relationship where we loan or help out each other with money.
You also taught me that.
Nta- don’t doubt yourself/ feel guilty. She let you go without water, kept around a creepy drunk loser, attacked you because she chose to be with a drunk creep/ is insecure about it, and she lied on your name. Don’t fall for her manipulation. After what she did, you don’t owe her anything.
“didn’t raise me like this” “Sure you did mom.” and she “can’t believe I would turn her down in her time of need.” “You mean like you did me?”
And good for you for telling them the whole truth and the whole history. It’s high time these people who call in their flying monkeys get what’s coming to them, which is to turn them back on them.
Keep your finances secret. That’s basic common sense.
NTA you don’t have to lend her money you don’t have – that cash is meant to buffer your life while you’re disabled. You actually don’t have extra money. Regardless the petty history.
If you want to be truly petty, I’d have said ‘you don’t want me expecting anything from Dan right?’
NTA let your Aunt & Uncle give her money. From now keep your finances a secret and always tell her you have no extra money.
Your mother allowed a man to sexually harrass you in your own home when you were a minor. Ahe then allowed you to rot alone without access to water as an adult. You owe this woman absolutely nothing. With mothers like this, who needs enemies?
NTA. SHE is the mum, not you. She did not help you when she was supposed to. She enables her husband to behave disgustingly with you , instead of keeping you safe from this filthy pedophile, she accuses you of flirting with him, my blood was boiling reading your post.
She is a grown up, she made her bed, only thing you did was making sure she had to lay in it. She could have accepted your “no” without smearing your name, but noooo, she had to include others and play as if she was your victim.
Do your actions smell a bit of revenge? Maybe. But it does NOT make you an asshole. I would say, well done for standing up for yourself and showing others how she really is.
Big mama bear from here, if I was your mom I’d be proud of you now
If she really needs money, I’m sure there’s a reward for turning in Dan to law enforcement. NTA
To be clear, not the AH. Dan and your mom are bad with money, they’re not asking to borrow 900, they’re asking to take it.
That said, you haven’t specified how much was owing on the water bill, but you have mentioned that Dan has been comfortable openly flirting with you in front of your mother. A lecherous drunk that can burn through what is ostensibly a year’s salary in just a couple of months is exactly the kind of person I wouldn’t want to owe a favor to, let alone any kind of money.
Some people can be pretty cool about lending money, some people are horrid, they treat it as a license to be foul with you. Again, NTA, but as bad as going without water was, your mom might have done you a favor.
What in the Jerry Springer crap is this?
Tell her you would have but you would have but then you would have expected something sexually from her husband
NTA, but, boy, your mother sure did a number on you growing up if you even continue to stay in contact with her after the way she’s treated you since you were 13, and her disgusting accusations regarding Dan. Ask yourself what she truly adds to your life, and if it’s really worth keeping her in it.
NTA, don’t protect abusers. Glad you told the whole story to your aunt and uncle.
NTA. She is literally with a man who is a disgrace of a human being and pedo. Sorry but saying no to her was the best thing to do.
NTA. GOOD.
NTA Tell her you don’t want Dan to expect something from her. 😂
NTA. Why feel guilty for situation where you told the truth? Because she’s your mom, she should have tried to assist you but she chose otherwise. So why feel guilty for a person who didn’t feel guilty when you needed help?
At times like this I like to recall that Devil’s Advocate line: “guilt is like a bag of bricks. All ya gotta do is set it down.”
NTA. What I think, OP, is you should keep quiet about your finances and never let your mom know you have a cent to spare. At the risk of being officious, may I express the hope that you make wiser choices of what to do with your lump sum payment than your mother did with her husband’s. Since mum already knew this sum was coming to you, let her believe you already encumbered or spent it it all paying off your outstanding debts.
NTA. Treatment of someone the way tgry treated you is not wrong. Maybe she will change, maybe not. Until then, karma
NTA
NTA. She wouldn’t help you for a basic necessity. You have no obligation to help her for whatever reason. She can find a way, just like you did.
If my sisters husband inherited money that belongs to him, not his wife. All the talk of him wanting sex if you asked him for money is very strange. It sounds like a relationship that isn’t healthy and certainly wouldn’t be someone to get in deeper w by asking for money. You are in too precarious a position to lend money
Dan recieved the settlement, not your mom. Thinking settlement meant he was adversely affected and that money was to make him whole again. Your mom said Dan may expect something from you and by the sounds of it, you think that may be a possibility. So I really think her not lending you that money may be for the best. Although to be honest I think it’s some weird jealousy thing on your mom’s part.
Now she’s asking for $900 loan. To be honest, if Dan wanted to blow through that $60,000, fine it’s his money. But you don’t have to help out. Most likely you’ll never see that money again and if you loan them money now, they’ll ask again in another couple of months.
NTA. If your mom’s husband expects something sexually from his step daughter, you have bigger problems. That’s disgusting. She’s choosing her creep of a husband over her own daughter.
NTA. You should not feel guilty for not being a door mat for someone who treats you like garbage
If you give her that money, you’re opening the doors to her asking for more. Don’t loan her anything, you know you won’t get it back and yeah she sorta did raise you like that don’t she?
They both sound disgusting tbh
NTAH
NTA, the reality is that you don’t have enough money to lend. In your situation on disability you should have an emergency fund that you don’t touch that would cover at least 9 months of your living expenses so that if something happens you can still survive and not have your water cut off. You need to work on saving money and at least putting g some of your money in high yield CDs or high yield savings account. Simple question do you have enough money for retirement. If you don’t then you actually don’t have money to lend.
NTA. You recently couldn’t pay your water bill, which proves you’re in no shape to be giving away money. Your mom’s money needs aren’t your problem any more than your were her problem.
Terible mother and step father.
Nta but What a sick twisted toxic cycle you’re trapped in.
You maybe need to go lc and get some therapy.
You COULD say “two wrongs don’t make a right” but you could also say “what’s fair is fair” or “turn about is fair play” or what’s good for the goose is good for the gander” or “an eye for an eye” or “what comes around goes around” or “karma is a bitch”. I probably left some out but you get the idea. And don;t give me the “yeah but she’s my mom” bit. She was also you mom when she was leaving you hung out to dry wasn’t she?
Here’s the thing if you genuinely believe giving her the money would have brought you peace of mind then you should have given her the money. That is the only argument for giving her the money. And I personally don’t think that it would have brought you any piece of mind whatsoever it would have just brought you a leech.
NTA
The fact that she whined to the Aunt/Uncle causing the big reveal about how much of an AH she/Dan are is karma!
NTA. If you are on disability, you are eventually going to need that $900 and you know you can’t count on your mom to pay you back or help out in the future. Can you afford to never see that $900 again? Protect yourself and your future.
Fuck no. She brought this on herself.
NTA.
How selfish and cold you’ve become? Yeah, I’d be pretty fucking cold to someone who blamed me for the advances of a predator too. You are NTA, and you would not be the AH even if you told her she could starve in a ditch for all you care and never speak to her again.
NTA everyone deserves to be a little petty sometimes. It’s cathartic. Only thing I will say is after the way you described that man why do you doubt your mom’s reasoning for not loaning you the money. He seems skeevy and just like the type of slimy person that would absolutely do something like this. Maybe she didn’t want to but also maybe he reason was valid.
NTA if you give her a dime, I will disown you.