Hi Reddit, I’m in a complicated situation and really need some outside perspective. This will be long, but I’d appreciate anyone who takes the time to read it.
I’m a 31-year-old woman, and my husband (32M) and I have been together for about 9 years. We have two kids: a 7-year-old daughter and a 2-year-old son.
A bit of background: I was raised by my mom and grandmother. I never had a relationship with my father—he cheated on my mom and only wanted contact with me when he was forced to pay child support. I also have two older brothers from a different dad (my mom and their dad are no longer together, but they still get along really well).
My relationship with my mom has always been difficult. She’s very controlling, has made poor life choices, and now lives with and takes care of my 88-year-old grandmother (who, by the way, has cancer), but also relies on her financially.
My grandmother is an amazing woman. She raised my brothers when my mom left them to be with my dad, and later raised me when that relationship ended. I love her dearly.
Now to the current issue: my son has beautiful curly hair. I’ve always liked the idea of long hair on boys, and my husband and I agreed to let his hair grow until he’s old enough to decide for himself if he wants to cut it. My mom hates this. She’s been pressuring us for over a year, saying “boys should have short hair,” and constantly pushing us to cut it.
Last weekend, we stayed at my mom and grandma’s house. My mom had been drinking a lot throughout the day. That evening, I went to lie down for a bit, and my husband stayed outside in the yard with our son and my mom, who was playing with the kids. He came to the room to talk to me for about 10 minutes.
When he went back outside, he found my mom cutting our son’s hair with kitchen scissors, at night, without permission—and to make matters worse, she has extreme myopia (like -14 vision). My husband was furious. He immediately grabbed our son and brought him to me. My mom followed, yelling that he was overreacting, that it was “just hair,” and she was only trimming the ends.
But she wasn’t. My husband told her she was lying—she had already cut his bangs and was working on the back when he caught her. She kept minimizing it, saying it wasn’t a big deal. My husband snapped. He called her crazy, said she was out of control, and that he didn’t want her around the kids anymore.
We left the next day. My husband blocked her on everything and said he wants no more contact.
Later, my mom wrote a letter apologizing, but my husband never saw it because she was already blocked.
Now here’s where it gets harder: my daughter’s birthday is coming up. We usually gather the whole family to celebrate. My grandma is really upset. She agrees my mom was wrong, but thinks my husband overreacted by cutting ties completely. I asked him to unblock her just to hear the apology. That led to a fight between us.
He told me I’m taking my mom’s side, and that she’s only apologizing to make things easier, not because she actually regrets what she did. And honestly… I think he’s right. But I still want to preserve some kind of connection with the little family I have left.
We live in different cities and don’t see them often. I want my kids to have a relationship with their grandmother and great-grandmother. I just wish we could all be respectful enough to be in the same room without hurting the kids in the process.
Now my husband and I are fighting.
So Reddit, am I wrong for wanting him to make peace with my family?
Comments
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP’s needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don’t be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
^(Full Rules) ^(|) ^(Acronym Index) ^(|) ^(Flair Guide)^(|) ^(Report PM Trolls)
Resources: ^(In Crisis?) ^(|) ^(Tips for Protecting Yourself) ^(|) ^(Our Book List) ^(|) ^(Our Wiki)
Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL!
I’m botinlaw. I help people follow your posts!
^(To be notified as soon as Feermoreiira posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe Feermoreiira JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) ^(click here.)
^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please) ^(contact the moderators of this subreddit) ^(if you have any questions or concerns.)
She’d been heavily drinking and seemingly wasn’t wearing her very much needed glasses while forcing this haircut? You’re lucky she didn’t cut him.
Yes you are wrong, you yourself are admitting that you think your husband is right that your mom does not regret what she did. She needs to understand actions have consequences she cannot and should not be making any decisions on your child that is between you and your husband. Your mom drinks and then decides it’s okay to go near your child with sharp objects? Come on honey I understand wanting a relationship with your family but you have your family with you husband you need to think about first they are the main priority now
In a nutshell- yes. If you keep putting your abusive mother ahead of your husband, you will lose him.
So you admit she has horrible vision AND had been drinking? She could have very easily cut him, or worse, injured his eye(s). If this were his mother, I’m sure you’d have no issue going no contact.
Your mom is a menace. Your husband is right. Your job isn’t to keep the peace , it’s to choose your children abd your husband. Get therapy, you desperately need it. You’re still trying to make your mom love you. She won’t. She only loves herself.
>> am I wrong for wanting him to make peace with my family?
Honestly, yes. Your husband is your family now.
Your mom is not safe to be around your child. You need to put some space between you & your mom bc I don’t think you realize how unhealthy your relationship is with her. Your son has to come first.
>I just wish we could all be respectful enough to be in the same room without hurting the kids in the process.
Except your mother destroyed that respect.
She had been drinking and has bad sight, she was cutting hair near his face, she could’ve easily slipped and your kid could’ve been one eye less.
Your husband is right here.
So you don’t have a problem with your mom “drinking a lot throughout the day” then being around your toddler with scissors? Doing something she wasn’t supposed to do? Girl. Your mom needs consequences for her actions, your husband is correct. I’m disappointed in you and I don’t even know you. Back your husband and protect your children.
Why do you want your son to have a relationship with a woman who has such a lack of common sense that after drinking she thinks it’s ok to pick up scissors and give an unasked for haircut to a 2 year old?
Do you think that’s safe? Is a family connection you readily admit is already strained really worth more than your son’s safety and the respect of your husband?
So your mother got drunk, deliberately altered your son’s physical being against your expressed wishes and only apologized when there were consequences?
You need to shine up your spine and back your husband. Grandma needs a good long time out before she gets closely supervised visits in the distant future.
“We” don’t all need to be respectful. It disrespects your husband to act like he’s part of the problem. This is all on your mother and you need to have your husband’s back.
It sounds like he feels unvalidated. Surely this can’t have been the only occassion where she overstepped, for him to have that sort of reaction.
It is an extremely underhanded move by your mother though, to wait till her moment without you and husband to cut you and his childs hair. She 110% knew she was totally wrong, and I would want a pretty incredible apology for this one incident if I was him…
“We could all be respectful”. Your husband was respectful. It sounds like you’re insinuating otherwise. It sounds like you know your mom is a piece of garbage but you are ignoring that bc you still want her in your life. Which is fine. For you. But your husband is not wrong in anything he’s saying. You dont want them to make peace, you want your husband to overlook her wrongdoings bc its what you do.
You need to listen to your husband here. A drunk woman with poor vision took scissors to your kids head in a dark yard and you think that’s fine?
Because that’s what you are saying by accepting this apology. An apology you know is absolutely BS.
And you think your husband should accept it and allow your children around her again?
I am trying to figure out the upside of a relationship with her. You have not said one single redeeming or kind thing about her. So how would it enhance your kids life having her in it? Why do you feel they need to have a relationship with her?
I bet you don’t. I bet you think it’s the only way to have a relationship with your grandmother. You might be right too.
But going down this road you will be going against your husband and creating issues in your immediate family.
you’re not wrong for wanting peace, you’re wrong for trying to fling your kid in front of your mother like you’re distracting a tiger with a steak. you can have peace in your home with your family. prioritise your family so you aren’t back here in twenty years asking why you don’t have one.
Please be a partner to your husband. Your mother seriously overstepped and consequences need to be had. I imagine that your husband has put up with a lot from your Mom already and this was the straw that broke the camels back.
YOU can continue to have a relationship with her. Your husband and your child are opting out until further notice. Your husband wants to keep your kid safe and away from the woman who won’t accept the boundaries you both set. Your Mom messed around and now she’s in the find out phase.
‘Keeping the peace’ here means sacrificing your husband’s feelings, and likely his trust in you, in order to give your Mom (who broke boundaries) an in she doesn’t deserve.
And of course your Grandma is going to be in her daughter’s side. Your husband is an adult and can make his own decisions about who he spends his time and energy on. Stop talking to him about this unless you’re seeking to understand him, ask him if there are other incidents where he has felt uncomfortable or unsafe around your Mom. Listen to him with the intention to understand. From the outside looking in, your Mom is not someone that needs to have your children around unsupervised at the very least.
And tell Grandma to kindly butt out. “Hey Grams, as you know I’ve been dealing with a lot of stress dealing with husband and Mom. I understand that you have an opinion but I’d appreciate it if we didn’t talk about this situation anymore. Husband and I have decided to keep this between ourselves and Mom and we’d like to keep it that way.”
PS: An apology is worthless without a behavior change.
This could legally be seen as assault upon your child as parent permission was not gained for this. Just an FYI.
Yes and no. Your husband is setting a hard set boundary after she crossed one. He is in the right in my opinion. if your mom is willing to walk over the boundary you and your husband set, she will be more than willing to walk over any boundary your children set for themselves.
Now you have to ask yourself if that is the type of person you would allow in your children’s lives. If so, I think your husband may seek advice from an attorney. She was intoxicated, has impaired vision and took scissors to your child‘s hair.
It isn’t wrong to want your mother to have a relationship with your children, which I think any good parent wants to provide for their children. But you are also wrong in wanting your husband to just forgive her when she has not done anything that she has not proven that she is willing to respect your boundaries. People that are not genuine apologize all the time.
I would suggest therapy for you and your husband, couples and individuals for you. Your mother was not a good mom to you it seems and you are hoping that she’ll be a better grandmother.
Yes, you are wrong. You admitted your mom isn’t really sorry. Plus, your mom is selfish. She couldn’t raise her own children because of HER choices. I get that you are close with your grandmother because she stepped up to raise you, but she can’t just side step her daughter’s actions.
Do not ask your husband to accept a non-apology. You need to realize that having grandparents doesn’t mean keeping abusive people in your life. I wouldn’t want my kids around someone like that just because they share blood.
You are wrong . In a marriage husband, wife, kids are priority number 1, if you want a happy marriage.
Imagine his mother doing this and wanting you to forgive and forget.
You want a relationship and respect between everyone . You need to tell your mom that, because she is the problem. Not your husband’s reaction.
Thank God your baby didn’t get hurt, with high myopia, drunk and at night, rushing before she gets cut in the act. Your baby is lucky those scissors didn’t slip.
In this situation if your husband doesn’t want contact with your mom, he shouldn’t be forced into it. You will have to invite grandma only to your daughter’s bday. To keep the peace at home, you need to respect your husbands feelings over your moms. That’s what marriage is.
The hair is totally beside the point compared to the fact she did that while drunk.
Again … WHILE DRUNK
Not sure if you can overreact to that.
Yes you are wrong. Your mom had been drinking all day then took scissors to your son’s hair. Kitchen scissors (sharp and powerful usually) near your son’s face. You are most certainly wrong.
Drunk AND handling scissors AND bad eyesight? She could’ve hurt him.
Your visually impaired mother took scissors to your toddler’s head after heavily drinking. I wouldn’t let her near my children again either, with or without an apology. She is a proven danger. She crossed a line and proved that she will overrule your boundaries even when it endangers the child.
Honestly, your husband is right to be concerned and right to take decisive action. I think you’re focused on the wrong things here. You want to salvage a relationship with a person who isn’t safe to be left alone with your children. You want to keep the peace and continue on as normal because that is what’s easiest for YOU. Your husband wants to protect them from an obviously unsafe person.
I’m not sure you’re even seeing the seriousness of how badly she could have hurt your child and how she clearly doesn’t see anything wrong with it. And, she did this with only a 10 minute window of alone time. She is not safe. You not seeing that clearly is likely a concern for your husband at this point. If you have not explored the issues with your mother with a therapist, it may be time to consider it.
Yes, you’re wrong.
Your husband and your kids are your family. You are under no obligation to make things easier on a controlling boundary-stomper who refuses to respect you and your husband as adults and parents.
Cutting hair without permission is assault, btw. I suggest you decide whether your mom or your actual nuclear family means more to you, bc this would be my hill if I was your husband.
Yes you’re wrong
Absolutely wrong. If you actually feel conflicted over this, go and get some therapy.
Either that or this is rage bait.
You want him to make peace with your family by possibly putting his kids in more danger? You explicitly state that your mom is myopic, was drunk and in the dark. Sooo that’s ok? Because your grandma wants her way? I respect that she did a lot for you guys but this does a disservice to your kids by possibly putting them in danger. Beyond all that, are you willing to risk your relationship with your husband over this?
Funny how if the was her Mother in a law she would be screaming for NO CONTACT and everyone would be saying she has a husband problem!!!! It goes both ways!!!
You and your husband are the parents. He’s decided he’s had enough of her behaviour. You should be supportive of that. Your mum crossed boundaries and overstepped. It’s okay if your husband creates his own boundaries.
You really need to read some posts on this page. It’s important to have a united front as a family, especially when it comes to situations like this.
You’re wrong, yes. You want to “keep the peace” by placating a person who betrayed you and isn’t sorry, which will betray, enrage, and hurt your husband. I have no idea why you would call that peace.
You need to be on your husband’s side first, and prioritize his feelings over your mother’s. If you side with your mother then he may leave you, and you’ll deserve it because you clearly aren’t his life partner.
It’s still possible for things to settle down and for new rules and more limited contact to be implemented with your mother. But she horribly betrayed your family and there needs to be consequences.
You’re wrong, your husband is right, and you need to get your head out of your ass before you’re fully complicit in your mom’s shitty behavior.
There’s a lot that could be said to you, but the most pertinent question is:
Why are you willing to sacrifice your kids’ and your wonderful husband’s wellbeing to pacify your shittastic mom?
If it had been a wife/MIL, you would get the same response and everyone here would be telling you that a husband defending his mom over his wife is enmeshed. Stand up for your husband. And your son. Your mother did a selfish, dangerous thing. Your husband is entitled to his boundary for him and your kids.
Yea, you’re very very wrong. Drunk person with sharp objects around your toddler’s head (and even the older child)? Absolutely foul.
Tell your husband I said “good job” for sticking to boundaries and consequences.
OMG what is wrong with you? If you love your grandma so much move her in. I mean she was essentially your mother unlike this train wreck of a womb.
She would have a better end of life away from that awful woman.
You better believe your husband is thinking about leaving you to protect his kids. Seriously. What. The. Ever loving. Fuck.
In some countries cutting a person’s hair without permission is considered assault.
Police report for assaulting a minor with a bladed article.
Your first loyalty HAS to be your husband and kids. You aren’t your mom’s kid any longer, so stop trying to be in the middle. Your place is firmly on your husband’s side in this. He’s protecting you and the kids-they are your primary family and need to be the priority. He has his priorities straight, and you are wrong.
You are in the wrong here. I’m sorry to tell you, but it’s true.
Grow up, pull up your big girl knickers, and get a clue. You are siding with a bitch that is a danger to your children and you want your husband to be nice? He is way nicer than anyone in my family. Tell your mother to kiss your arse and cut her off. Grandma can move in with you, or you can see her on your own, but how dare you tell your husband to keep the peace! GROW UP!!!