I’m 17, 174 cm, 130+ kg. Yeah, I’m overweight. I know. I see it every single day. I feel it in every stare, every mirror, every step I take. But today I was just hungry. I ate homemade food, two bananas, a couple small chocolates, few slices cheese, even some mayo on the side. And you know what? I felt okay for once. Full. Not sad. Just… normal.
Then she saw.
My mom.
And her face twisted like I’d just done something horrible. “Have you seen yourself? Why did you eat everything?” Like I’m disgusting. Like I’m some animal. That tone — it’s burned into my brain. Cold. Judging. Always the same.
She’s been like this my whole life. Monitoring what I eat. Shaming me for every bite. Acting like she owns my body. Like I have no right to feed it unless she approves. And every time it happens, I spiral. My appetite vanishes. I feel this massive wave of guilt like I killed someone. I just want to scream or disappear. Sometimes I think: what if I wasn’t here anymore? Would that silence her voice in my head?
I already hate myself enough without her making it worse. I feel like a mistake. Like I shouldn’t be here. Like I’ll never be enough, no matter how little I eat or how quiet I stay. I hate how I look. I hate how I feel. I hate that I care.
I don’t have anyone else. No one to talk to. No one who gets it. I feel like I’m carrying all of this alone, and it’s too much. Way too much. I’m writing this because I’m tired of holding it in. Maybe someone out there understands. Maybe someone else is tired too
Comments
You are 17. Your unhealthy eating habits are the result of your mothers parenting.
Tell her that when she says something next time.
That said. I am 176cm and right now 110,9kg.
And I carry it for a while now.
I started a diet last week.
I just started to count calories.
And I eat no more chocolate except for hot cocoa because it has way less calories then normal chocolate bars.
I lost 0,9kg in the first week.
Yes it’s not much but I see progress for the first time in years.
And sometimes you have to endure the hunger.
Because the first days I was hungry all the time.
Because I was not used to the reduced amount.
Now I also switched my desk to a table that can increase height.
I work from home on the computer and now I am working standing up 50% of the work day.
It increases my calorie burn.
I am trying to slowly increase my mobility (standing, walking, biking).
If you want to change for yourself.
Stop listening to your mother.
Just listen to yourself.
Stop hating your image in the mirror.
I know a lot of girls/women on the heavier side who still look gorgious.
You need more confidence first (at least thats what I needed to initiate a change).
Hey, so I’m not sure if our situations are remotely the same but i understand the tired part way more than you imagine. You’re not alone in this, i also want to thank you for allowing yourself to be this vulnerable and share, i did too on this website.
I suggest that you get away from your mother as soon as you can after a year, having hate within yourself for yourself is enough of a burden you don’t need a walking reminder of that, that too being the very woman who birthed you.
Once you acquire the energy, work on fixing your hatred and weight issues and most importantly, love yourself regardless. Unconditionally.