And I know what you’re thinking. Listen to your mom, shes always right. And most of the time I don’t disagree, however this gets tricky and the users of reddit might side differently and I want to know what to do.
I (23F) have been dating this really great guy (28M) for about 5-6 months now. He is very sweet, driven, works hard and we share a very similar mindset which I love. In the beginning, it was very much the whole let me take you on dates, let me buy you flowers, lets see each other often whatever whatever.
Well, now I have really fallen for this guy but we keep having this recurring issue where I only get to see him once a week, for maybe a few hours, very minimal sleepovers or big dates, we just kind of sit and watch TV for an extended period of time. He doesn’t like spending his money for dates (which is fair he won’t let me spend a dime so its not realistic to expect that) but I like to surf, swim, go to the beach, spend plenty of time being active and outside, I just don’t think when he is free he wants to do that sort of thing. He also hates talking on the phone, but when we have its just awkward the kid doesn’t know how to converse unless its in person lol so its pointless to do that or FaceTime in place of that.
Personally (some people may disagree) this isn’t enough for me. Right now, it doesn’t bother me all that much because I have a life and he has his, but theres not really an end in sight. He has voiced to me several times that in the future he wants to move in and get married etc, but he doesn’t forsee his schedule/time spent with me changing. I definitely go more out of my way to make sacrifices to ensure we have time for one another.
And i know what you’re thinking, like girl he doesn’t like you. But me and him have talked about this several times, and I genuinely think that he is just giving me all that he has to offer. I think he’s very stuck in his ways and loves me but doesn’t understand compromise well because in his head, after being single/independent for so long this IS compromise.
I genuinely love him for who he is, and if this is the way he wants to live his life, then I can be the cheerleader. He still treats me very well, and makes me feel so special, beautiful and loved.
The issue really comes in when my parents come into town. When they visit, my boyfriend will come to a dinner with us or something along those lines and we have a great time but afterwards, with out fail my mom, who is like my best friend, voices her concerns about our closeness.
She thinks its weird we only see each other that much, and thinks that if i love him so much and want to marry him I will be screwed because he won’t know how to merge his life with mine. She’s worried that at some point in a marriage with the unwillingness to make time that I’ll feel isolated with kids or like I don’t have a friend in a partner. I started crying because I think in that moment it was bothering me more than I was letting on.
Her and my stepdad have a very good relationship. Like i commend my stepdad for his sacrifice, patience and care for my mom. Do i think this guy holds a candle to my stepdad? No, not really. However, I think the thought of someone who puts me as their absolute number one priority all of the time would make me also want to rip my hair out. I don’t want a clingy boyfriend, but I also don’t want one who kind of puts me at the bottom (or near bottom) of the priority list.
Thoughts? Advice?
Comments
Settling for love that leaves you lonely is a slow emotional death. If he can’t meet you halfway now, marriage will only magnify the distance not close it.
If it’s not enough, tell him. In fact, plan a big night out and treat him.
It’s only been SIX MONTHS relax… just enjoy getting to know each other, now you’re at the point where you can see if he will be flexible to compromise for you or if he’ll dig in his heels and everything has to be on his terms, and that will allow you to evaluate the dynamics of your relationship again… after that it will be another thing… and so on until you realise you’ve both passed so many “challenges” you’re a good match for each other… if you don’t pass a challenge then you’ll know, it wasn’t meant to be and it’s indicator of the future dynamics that you’ll have to accept
Sounds like he is married or in another relationship.
You don’t sound like much of a priority to him. What kind of marriage would that make?
He may love you. But does he love you enough??
He is not prioritizing you and seems extremely avoidant. Either mentally or that he is in another relationship. Why are you chasing such an unavailable person? That’s what you need to figure out.
The choice isn’t between two extremes that don’t suit you. That’s a false dichotomy.
This dynamic isn’t making you happy and he has given no indication he intends to try to do anything differently.
So your only question is: can I be happy if this is how it will always be?
Don’t try to think of reasons it might change, just answer the question. If nothing ever changed, would you be happy for that to be your life?
That’s your answer.
6 months is about the time you realize someone isn’t right for you. Even if you love them. As a person who needs more attention, I can tell you being in a relationship with someone who needs less never gets comfortable. It stays lonely. Eventually, you’ll live together and he will physically be there but mentally he won’t. And it will hurt. And it will be harder to leave because your finances will be entangled.
Break up now. You’re not compatible and he’s not your person. Your willingness to compromise your needs is unhealthy.
Your mom’s right, again.
The guy’s a lump – and you want to be his cheerleader? For couch potato-ing?
Stop settling.
There’s a LOT of space between clingy and your BF. Seriously, there will be many guys who are between that range, so don’t worry…
It’s ONLY 5-6months and the attention, care, fun, time, effort has dropped to near nothing or very very bare minimum…. He’s showing his actual self and a glimpse into the future. Plus, realistically, it’ll only get worse.
I agree with your mom (and it seems like she’s good at choosing partners – and for FWIW, I think I am too), so if I were you, I’d probably feel like her advice and opinion holds some good weight.
Ask him if anything’s bothering him. He could be going through something and just wanting time alone.
What you’re describing is essentially the relationship my parents have, but in the very beginning phase. Nothing changed after marriage. Any whole family activities that were done were, mostly, activities my dad liked because he had no interest in her likes. My mom was basically a single parent unless serious discipline needed to happen. None of the kids developed healthy relationships with either parent (detached from my dad and overly attached to my mom). Both parents resent each other to some degree or another but won’t divorce due to their religion.
Do with that information you will.