so i, F21, was having a discussion with my mother about the future and future plans, stuff like that. we had just had family in (my nieces and nephew) and that’s what sparked the conversation. my mom, F51, was talking about how back in her day and back in her mother’s day getting beat/hit was the normal when they did something wrong, like back talking, not doing chores, etc. that’s when i made the comment of “i hate when people use the excuse of ‘it was a different time’ to justify that behavior, it never is justified.” she then said that nowadays kids need to get spankings and “popped in the mouth” when they do things wrong and that that would “fix” a lot of bad kid behavior nowadays. i told her that i don’t believe in that, as a child that was popped in the mouth and spanked, because i think it causes unnecessary issues and that being violent towards your children shouldn’t be a way to solve things. she then said “well when they come over to grandmas house and they start acting up or misbehave, they’ll be getting a spanking to sort them out.” i told her that if i don’t choose to parent my kids that way i expect them to do the same and follow my lead on punishments that do not involve hitting. my mom told me that when they are in her house she will punish as she sees fit. i told her that she won’t ever touch my kids in that way and if she does then she wont see them again. she said that she doesnt want to see them then and itll be my fault they dont have a relationship ship with their grandparents.
am i the asshole? it’s not that i don’t believe in punishment, i do, but i have trauma from things they did and would never want my child to endure anything similar. i expect my future/potential children to be loved and see their grandparents and their house as a safe haven, not a punishment palace. so am i in the wrong? im only 21, im not even pregnant yet, but ive thought about having kids of course.
Comments
You’re not in the wrong for wanting to set boundaries around how you plan to raise your future children. It’s completely valid to want to protect your kids from the kind of punishment you experienced and to ensure they feel safe and loved. Your mother’s insistence on using physical punishment is concerning, especially since you’ve expressed your feelings about it.
Nta , but things were different back then whether you understand that or not.. there was an expectation of respect , a manner when it was fun time , and if you threw a temper tantrum , that was crossing the line .. I’m not justifying any of it , but seeing how people act and carry on today , some people need that discipline
There is discipline and then there is abuse. You need to discipline when needed, but there is also no need smack them in the mouth or beat them.
Your mother is wrong and values child abuse over a loving relationship with a grandchild
NTA – My mom beat us with belts, hangers, wooden spoons, really anything in her reach anytime my brother and I said or did something she didn’t agree with.
I do not feel like this is a good way to “discipline,” children. I have also told her we do not to physical punishments with my kids, she feels that they are fine and needed. With that being said she is never left alone with my kids.
One of my favorite quotes I’ve seen on this is “If your kid is to young to talk to and reason with, why are you hitting them? And if they’re old enough to talk to and reason with, why are you hitting them?”
Everyone raises their kids differently but IMO there is never a need/reason to hit a child.
WTH, your mom does not need to punish your children. That’s your job as their (future) parent. If they act up, you’d be the one to deal with it, not your mom. If she’s caring for them without you there, you don’t have much choice how she reacts, but now you know you won’t be able to rely on her for good child care.
I wouldn’t get too worked up about it, once she has grandchildren, she’ll soften up and I doubt she’ll want to hit them. Don’t stress about hypothetical situations.
But yeah, she’s wrong lol
As someone who has a mum with really bad temper who can go on a temper tantrum and use very abusive language I have learned the best way to avoid her as much as possible.
I think you should stick to your principles and belief. If your mother doesn’t want to see her grandchildren its her loss not yours. She would be the lonely one.
NTA, your parents need to respect your rules for your kids or they don’t get to see them (or at least unsupervised at a minimum). If she would rather give out spankings than be in her grandkids lives then that’s her decision.
This could be about bedtimes, what you want them to eat, discipline, doesn’t matter. Your kids, your rules.
Your mom is a shit-stain on humanity. What a fucking psycho.
NTA. Looks like granny gets option B. My egg donor was a ” spare the rod” control freak, and my sister ( I’m child free) told her ” if l or husband even suspect you of hitting our children, that will be the last time you see them. Or us”
It’s not wrong to feel the way you do about this sensitive subject. But she’s going to do what she has always done so you can’t really change her you know so you will have to cross that bridge when it comes besides you’ll have some time I mean what she is saying is for older children not babies and also because she isn’t 24/7 parenting it may not even be an issue because I’m sure you won’t be raising a little “shit” right? You’ll be raising a child that is respectful and why would they be doing chores at their grandparents? But again if she is mean they won’t want to go there anyway so it’s probably a non issue but if it is an issue just don’t bring them over and leave them be there with them.
Nta. But take her warning and don’t leave your future kids alone with her. Kids don’t need to be “popped in the mouth” or spanked to be good kids. My kids are great kids, respectful, well behaved in school. I never hit them once because it’s an absolutely terrible way to redirect poor behavior.
NTA. This is easy. If she will not respect YOUR rules (the parent) for YOUR children, then she will not have a relationship with them. She is the one making the choice. She has raised her child(ren). You are the parent. Stand strong and protect your future kids.
NTA. Your mother is an unrepentant abuser and your kids will be better off if they never see her.
Tell your future kids Grandma insists on ybe right to beat them as punishment, which is why there’s no contact with her – till your kids can hit back. Then let’s see how grandma handles discipline.
NTA
Never ever leave your children alone with her for even a moment! – future children.
NTA
Your mom is an abusive bitch.
Lmao, she doesn’t want to see them if she can’t physically harm them?? They’d be better off. NTA OP
Protect your future children from this horrible approach to parenting. NTA
Sounds like all of you might be better off avoiding contact with her.
NTA
Your mom can ‘F-O’. They would be your children and she has absolutely no say in how the children are raised.
If she tries to discipline them “her way” then call the police on her for child abuse. Tell her up front that is exactly what you would do and that you would press charges to make it as unpleasant as hell for her.
Then tell her that you wouldn’t want your children around an abusive grandparent anyway and she might as well get used to the idea of never seeing them, never even knowing their names.
As a parent, your duty is to protect your children. That includes against grandma who sounds like a ‘real peach’.
I bet that it was also ‘your fault’ as children when your mom beat you.
I am ten years older than your mom and she is full of shit.. It was not the way it was. My parents did not beat us.
NTA. Sounds like she’s not going to have a relationship with her grandchildren. Good to know that now, and to plan your life accordingly.
I would tell her that it will actually be her fault that she doesn’t have a relationship with them, because she’s already made it clear that she’s planning to be abusive. And maybe she doesn’t need to have a relationship with her daughter, either.
Your mother already gave you the answer. She doesn’t get to see them, full stop!
You are living proof of what her treatment did to you. As a parent, one of your primary jobs is to defend and protect them from bad treatment. Keep her away.
NTA
Why is that even a discussion lol.
Your mother is looking forward to beating kids that haven’t been born yet.
NTA, I fully expect my parents to be my children’s grandparents and NOT parent. They absolutely do not punish my children, ever, physically or otherwise. It’s my job as a parent to discipline my children and it will never, ever, involve violence towards a child. My parents are onboard and respect me as a parent, and have an amazing relationship with my kids. If my mom EVER talked to me like that or suggested she’d ever lay a hand on my kids, she’d never see them, not even supervised, absolutely no exceptions.
Well, that’s simple.
She isn’t going to see your kids.
Easy peasy.
Now you don’t have to cut her off.
She did it for you.
NTA
NTA
She’s an abuser. She doesn’t get any say in how you raise your kids. Do not allow them to be abused by her. Cut her out and tell her well then I guess you will not be seeing future kids or I.
NTA. Don’t let your mom near your kids if that’s her attitude. She can decide to change, but your kids can never decide to not have been abused by their grandma.
NTA. She’s expecting your kids to act up, like someone else’s kids.
Grandparents house shouldn’t be a permanent stay. Visits with parents.
Their patience is thin, from life.
Some people are just shitty parents. My mom mixed it up with physical and psychological abuse. The physical extended to dumping tabasco sauce in my mouth as a toddler when I said something she didn’t like, and hey, guess who has a capsicum/capsaicin allergy now? She’d also pull the bullshit woe is me pity card when we’d be out and she’d make a quick movement with her arm and I’d flinch. Either “Why are you acting like I beat you?” or “If you keep flinching like that, I’ll give you something to flinch about.” I was in foster care a majority of my childhood and became a permanent ward of the court at 6. She still saw me and she still traumatized me and she died when I was 16, so I never got to have a chance to actually talk to her as an adult. I’m torn on that because while a huge part of me would have really loved to have vented about how she fucked me over, the other adult part knows she would have played victim over it because she was a BPD narcissist who blamed the whole world for why she was the way she was.
A smack on the bum or hand to startle/adjust behavior isn’t the end of the world. Flipping out over something a child does and beating them bloody with a belt should be the end of their being able to be around children. Parents who normalize severe abuse like that with ‘Well, I turned out okay’ don’t realize how fucked up they are.
NTA, btw.
At least your mother is very clear with you about her intentions. Now you can focus on healing yourself and learning boundaries. It’s sad to say, but your mother is not someone who you can really trust. The good news is, you can build your own life with people who share your values. Your mother may be outside of that circle and that is ok. My mother was NEVER unsupervised with my kids. Did she know that? No. Did they know that? No.
NTA. If your mother will not respect your parenting choices then she cannot be alone with them. I also would never ever condone physical abuse and would never leave my child in the care of anyone who would assault them. I assure you my kids and grandkids were very well behaved children and they were never hit in any way. I grew up in a very large family and we were never hit either.
Welcome to the first of many power trips over your children. Some grandmas (and grandpas but in my family it was always the grandmas) just cannot handle the idea that they’re not the HBIC anymore. They will look for all sorts of ways to try and assert authority or dominance over you. Never let her. Never back down. Don’t give so much as an inch. Make sure that bitch knows her place. She raised her kids. She doesn’t get to raise yours. And expect A LOT of pushback when you openly reject how she raised her kids. My mother was also into hitting. It made her absolutely crazy that I wouldn’t hit my kids. And when I told her that she was wrong for hitting us, she practically blew a gasket. There’s a reason we are LC now. And my kids don’t even like her. It’s no great loss. Def NTA
All beating a child does is teach them is to be better sneakier liars.
Why the hell would your future kids WANT a relationship with an abusive grandparent? Protect your future kids, OP. Your mother doesn’t deserve to see your future kids when she’s openly stated her intent to abuse them. I’m happily child-free, but anyone who raises a hand to a child in my vicinity is going to feel my hands on them. I’m sure as hell big enough to fight back.
She has already told you she will physically punish your children. Why give her even one chance? She’s told you she will hit them…believe her. Your future children should never ever be alone with her! period ! End of sentence!
Also, I’ve always found it strange that a grown-up would hit a child as their saying…”Don’t hit”
NTA – It’s 2025. Beating children isn’t acceptable anymore. Parents who spank their children are usually acting out of anger. What they are teaching their children is that they are not a safe adult to be around, and that using violence is an acceptable way to resolve anger. It’s the laziest, most emotionally unintelligent form of parenting.
Your mom is an abuser clearly but she’s also a manipulator to say it would be your fault. It would be her fault. It will be your fault if u dnt let grandma pop your kid in the mouth 😵💫
NTA. Don’t fall into the trap of being guilted into making sure your children have a relationship with toxic, abusive family, JUST because they’re family. You don’t owe your parents anything at all. They didn’t ask you if you wanted to be born. They clearly didn’t include you in how parenting was going to work in their home. Now your mother outright told you that whatever constitutes misbehaviour in her mind will be met with violence in her home. PROTECT YOUR CHILD FROM
THIS PERSON. You DO NOT owe her a relationship with your children, and they’ll be better off without one if this is how she is.
NTA
At least she let you know what to expect so you can just go nc with her as soon as you get pregnant. Hopefully the kids father will have decent parents.
Tell her go fk herself. They are ur kids not hers.
NTA. The best solution is not to have kids at all.
NTA- What kid even wants to visit an abusive grandma? You have a hard time getting most to want to see a cool one. They aren’t missing much having her out of their lives if she cannot respect them.
This is responsible preplanning. Make sure your children develop bodily autonomy so that they know to let you know if anyone beats on them
NTA. I received “hidings” with a willow switch and countless whacks with a wooden spoon (she broke one on me then blamed me because “favourite spoon”) and hands and then once with a power cord that she still denied doing up until her death. I’m 55. We did not use corporal punishment whatsoever on our son and guess what? He’s polite, well behaved usually and was known for his good manners at school until Year 10. He’s on the spectrum and rebelled against the senior campus principal and I didn’t blame him one iota.
If your mother believes it was so good why is she being such a bitch now? I was belted once for not filling the animal’s water. I knew I had but I was beaten until I lost control of my bladder. The next day my father discovered a hole in the trough. I was never apologised to even when I brought it up with my mother as an adult.
I also finally hit back at my mother when she whacked me when I was 17. I grabbed the spoon off her and whacked her with it and asked her how she liked it. Of course she got a bruise and I was the worst person in the world. However, she never touched me again. She also never hit her grandson. He could do no wrong in her eyes (to be fair he was very well behaved around her too and was only 6 when she died suddenly). So she learned. If she had laid a finger on him I would have decked her then let my husband at her.
Keep your kids away from this horrible person. No kid should ever have to deal with physical or mental abuse.
Your mom is so mad that she can’t hit your hypothetical children that she would deny them any access to their grandmother. You are absolutely correct. It’s illegal to hit another adult. It’s illegal to hit someone else’s kid. It’s illegal to hit a DOG. People who insist on beating children are emotionally stunted and don’t know how to communicate. You do not need to be violent toward children with undeveloped brains.
NTA. Your mother is in the wrong. If she is open to the idea, a therapist could help her see that she has trauma from getting beaten as a child herself, and could use some hero l help breaking from it.
You are 100% in the right to protect your future children from abuse.
I’m older than your mom and I knew this was bullshit from early on. It’s not “an earlier time” — it was piss-poor parenting then, and it’s piss-poor parenting now. No excuses.
If I were you, that woman would never be alone with my children.
Hitting is more important than actually grandkids? Noted.
NTA.
You now know not to ever let your future children have a relationship with her.
So it wasn’t enough for her to be a shit mother, she needs to be a shit grandma too?
She should never even meet your kids. Come to that, why the hell are you even talking to her?
It doesn’t matter what her opinion is, but it matters to get your partner onside. Tell him what she said and that you don’t want to have your kids treated like you were.
NTA
I went through this same thing with my parents. I stuck to my guns and I broke the cycle. My son grew up knowing he was loved and no one ever hit him. Stick to your guns; you’ll be so glad you did!
NTA – our rules at my grandparents and my parents house were they discipline their grandkids.
BUT my grandparents never hit us and my parents never hit our kids.
Even if the other parents did they still wouldn’t have hit us
NTA. I couldn’t imagine disciplining my grandbabies let alone corporal punishment, and my adult children aren’t anywhere near ready to reproduce. Sorry your mom has made this her line in the sand. But at least she made herself clear, so keep those future babies away from her.
NTA but I have reconciled that once you put your kid in the care of others you lose the ability to control what happens (good or bad) so it important to know as much as possible about who your kids are with. Your mom told you what it’ll be so act accordingly, maybe grandma is off the babysitting list.
It was very helpful of her to tell you (before you exposed kids to her) that she plans on beating your children. Remember this and NEVER let her near your kids. They’ll be just fine without a relationship with her
Beat the shit out of your mom for her bad behavior. See how she likes it.
Updateme!
NTA
Your kids will be better off without a violent immature grandmother. It will be your duty as a parent to protect them from that.
Also,never allowing her to establish a relationship with your kids will make it more difficult for her to claim grandparents’ rights in court. When you’re out of the house, start setting boundaries and reducing her presence in your life, when you start getting ready for kids, she needs to go.
NTA
Dear god ‘popped in the mouth’. Horrible.
Your mother is abusive and in many countries including where I live would be sanctioned accordingly. Well done you for your considered perspective on parenting.
It is better that your kids never meet their grandmother then you allow their grandmother to hit them. She has told you who she is. Believe her. Protect your children. It fucking sucks because it means that you will not be able to have a close relationship with your mom that you might want to have, but you need to believe her when she tells you that she will abuse your children and you need to protect your children.
NTA…I’d go no contact now, your kids don’t need a grandmother like that and I’m sorry that’s who your mother is. You’re not at fault for why they wouldn’t have a relationship with her, she is. What kind of person make physical abuse a condition for having a relationship with anyone? 🚩🚩🚩
NTA whatsoever. And she solved the problem for you. ” when they are in her house “. They won’t be. Problem solved. Good job grandma, you played yourself. You’ll just be birthday party grandma, or have to beg for chances to see the kids between school and life. Ta ta.
glad she made that an easy decision for you.
She will change her tune pretty quickly when she doesn’t get to see her grandkids. And if not, her loss.
Mom can fuck right off.
NTA at all.
So. You don’t EVER let your kids go to Grandmas and grandma doesn’t get to look after your kids.
Her loss.
“It’ll be my privilege and honor they won’t have a relationship with you.”
Oh helllll no! Perfect, she doesn’t need to see your kids. NTA.
NTA at all. They’ll be your kids to parent as you believe to be best. If others can’t respect that, they shouldn’t have a place in your kids lives (or yours, for that matter)
NTA. Pretty much all research says that hitting your child is bad. And if you can’t pop your mom in the mouth for saying something obnoxious, then she can’t do it to your children. My mother abused us brutally. If she ever laid a hand on my father I’d have called the cops.
Don’t interrupt the trash when it’s taking itself out! Good riddance.
NTA
Why are you upset? Stupid B-tch is doing YOU a favor. If anything, YTA to yourself and your future kids for even considering letting her be around them.
“That’s fine mom, I believe that if someone touches my kids, I get to beat the shit out of them.”
NTA, protect your kids from your mom for real.
You clearly didn’t agree with her statement, by her own logic you should have smacked the shit out of her….
If you’re looking for an alternative to yelling and belting a child, the 1-2-3 Magic approach is really good. It was developed by a Doctor of Psychology and is recommended by schools, foster parent programs, and therapists.
It’s streamlined and easy to follow.
It would be better for your kids to grow up without a grandmother, than to grow up with an abusive grandmother and a mother who allowed that abuse.
You are absolutely right in what you said. Nta
NTA at all! Doesn’t even matter what the argument is here. If you ask someone not to do something to or around your kids then they just respect your decision! My dad would kinda hit me and slap me growing up but it was more in a playful way never hit me for punishment or anything. I’ve told him now I’m an adult I know it’s out of love and he’s just mucking around but if he ever does that same stuff to my kids he’ll never see them
She doesn’t see them at all end of story.
And for your own well-being, distance yourself from your narcissistic mother.
Your mom is a psycho.
Think of it this way. If you don’t let your kids go to your mother’s house because she won’t respect your parenting choices they won’t have a relationship with her.
If your kids go to their grandmother’s house, are abused by her under the guise of discipline, they will resent her, go no contact as soon as they can, and they won’t have a relationship with her.
End results are the same, so save them the abuse.y mom had some discipline methods I did not want used on my kids, I saw one used once, firmly told her to not ever do that to my kids. She seemed surprised, but agreed and stuck to it. That’s how it should be.