I really need some honest, outside advice about a very emotional and complicated situation with my mother.
I’m 23f of Arab background, but I was raised in the UK. My mom is an immigrant Arab and very traditional and she’s also a single mother who raised me and my brother alone since 2012. I’ve always been close to her, but we’ve had our differences due to cultural and generational gaps.
In early 2024, I moved to Korea to work as an English teacher. My contract ended recently, and instead of returning to the UK, I decided to stay in Korea while I look for a new job. The truth is: I really don’t want to go back to the UK. I’ve expressed this to her many times. I find the UK depressing, I don’t have any friends there, and I just don’t see a future for myself there, even though I know the only good thing about being there would be being with my mom and my brother.
When I left my job, I didn’t have enough money to rent my own place, so my bf offered me to move in with him until I find a new job here. But my mom doesn’t know that. I told her I moved in with a female friend and that we’re splitting the rent. She believed me at the time and wasn’t suspicious.
Recently, I started changing how I dress, just another phase I guess. I wouldn’t say I dress super provocatively, but I wear things like crop tops and short skirts now, and I’ve posted pictures in these kinds of outfits on TikTok and Instagram.
Earlier today, i called her as I do every few days and she completely blew up. She brought up the way I dress and said she didn’t raise me like that. She said I’ve changed, and she was really angry. Then, during that same call, she accused me of lying and said she thinks I’m living with a man, not a female friend because I never showed her pictures of this “friend.” She said she doesn’t want to speak to me anymore, that I’m no longer her daughter, and that she’ll delete my number and remove me from her contacts unless I return to the UK.
After the call, I tried calling her several times. She picked up twice and then hung up on me. She told me to stop calling and that she’s done with me. I sent her a long, emotional message in Arabic apologising, telling her I never meant to hurt her, that I love her, and that I’m just trying to figure myself out. She hasn’t responded.
For context, my mom is a very emotional and stubborn person. Once she gets angry, it’s really hard to get through to her. She’s deeply rooted in Arab and Muslim values and sees my choices living abroad, changing how I dress, and possibly living with someone as a complete betrayal of everything she raised me to be.
But from my side: I didn’t choose to live with my boyfriend as a rebellion. I was suddenly unemployed, in a foreign country, with no savings. It was survival. I didn’t want to ask her for help because I knew it would make her even more upset. I also didn’t change how I dress to be disrespectful. I’ve just been experimenting and growing into myself. I’m still figuring out who I am and what I want. I know she wouldn’t see it that way, but none of this was meant to hurt her.
So now I don’t know what to do.
Do I give her space?
Do I keep trying to reach out?
Do I send another message in a few days?
I feel heartbroken, guilty, and lost. I’ve always tried to be a good daughter, but I also want to live a life that feels true to me. Any honest advice is welcome.
TL;DR:
I’m 23f of Arab background, raised in the UK, currently living in Korea. I decided to stay here after my teaching contract ended because I really don’t want to return to the UK. Due to financial reasons, I’ve been secretly living with my boyfriend (my mom thinks it’s a female friend). Recently, I started dressing differently (crop tops, short skirts) and posting photos online. My very traditional, immigrant and conservative mom saw them and during a phone call today, accused me of lying, said I’ve changed, and told me I’m no longer her daughter. She said she doesn’t want to speak to me again and that if I love her and value her I should return back to the UK. I’m heartbroken and don’t know if I should keep trying to contact her or give her space.
Comments
It seems she’s emotionally not stable.
Hey, people are meant to change, you alr have a life in SK. Let her cool down and contact her later. If she still doesn’t want a relationship with you, probably go low contact.
She raised u as a single mother. Which country’s values are the best? Any country not from Arab, right?
Every countries values are best for them. U posted this because its giving u pain. U wont feel good keeping her sad. U did a great job writing a good message to her.
U may take ur decision. Try to understand her emotion. Ppl from other countries wont understand her feelings and emotion. U know her the best. Try understand her emotion. Take decision accordingly.
Estrangement is a gift of peace. Accept it.
I think it’s a tough situation, but your mum needs to come to terms with the fact you are not her. You have rights to live your life and be happy.
It may take time, but hopefully she realises that you are an adult now and she can’t control the way you live.
Maybe give her some time, I don’t think she’ll change her mind that easily. But maybe she’ll realise rejecting you will cause her unhappiness someday, soon or later. Just keep in touch, leave some messages, send her a letter/cards, whatever every now and again, but not keep trying to contact too often for a while.
You need to get your priorities straight and take accountability.
I’m sorry, but “I was suddenly unemployed, in a foreign country, with no savings. It was survival” is a flat-out LIE.
I think that’s what you’re trying to make yourself believe to lessen your feelings of guilt.
You make conflicting statements about your job situation. “My contract ended recently”, “When I left my job”, “I was suddenly unemployed”, “after my teaching contract ended”. I’m gonna go with the one you repeated:
You had a fixed-term work contract. It had an end date. You knew that end date.
You could have gone back to the UK. You could have looked for other employment options before your contract ended. You could’ve saved money while you were working.
You moved in with your boyfriend because you wanted to. And you know what, that’s FINE!
Really, there’s nothing wrong with it. Just like there’s nothing wrong with you dressing differently. These are things you want to do, not out of rebellion against your mother, but for yourself.
However, you need to own your decisions and accept the consequences they bring.
With somebody as conservative as your mother, this can unfortunately result in them going no contact.
That’s incredibly sad, and I’m truly sorry that you are asked to choose between your family and the life you want to live.
However, you are not helping anybody by lying and trying to make up excuses. As you saw, your mother was able to see right through it.
As awful as it is, I think the best you can do is come clean in a letter/text message. Tell her that you felt you couldn’t be honest with her because you were afraid of this very outcome, and that you feel guilty for lying.
Explain that you are not doing anything with the intention of being disrespectful, but that you’ve come to find that you have other ideas of how you want to live your life, and that you will respect her reaction to that, but that you hope that maybe, just maybe, she will find it in her heart to tolerate your way of living because you will always see her as your mom, and love and respect her.