So I (M24) live with my mom in Florida, I have two other sisters, one is a twin and the other is 5 years older. We all moved down here together last year, but my older sister moved back to Massachusetts because she couldn’t handle my mom anymore; they never got along and would constantly argue about loyalty, privacy, etc. A few months later, my twin sister moved out to live with her girlfriend (she also had a bit of trouble getting along with my mom because my mom hates her girlfriend). My mom now feels all alone and basically constantly complains that no one is loyal to her (yet I still live with her and put up with her shit). My cousin is getting married, and my older sister told our cousin not to invite our mom to the wedding. My cousin agreed, and she was not invited (and nobody on my cousin’s side of the family tried to defend my mom and get her invited, at least not significantly).
My cousin invited me to the wedding, and I really want to go and be a part of a family gathering and also represent my deceased dad, but my mom is absolutely furious that I’m thinking about going. She’s all upset and angry that I didn’t try to defend her or get her to be invited. I told her that there was literally nothing I could do. My older sister doesn’t talk to me, and I even tried to talk to the cousin’s side of the family, and nobody seemed to care. My mom is a bit of a narcissist and wants everything to go exactly her way.
I rely on my mom because I’m in stressful nursing school right now and I’m unable to work full-time, therefore I can’t move out, as much as I really, really want to. The VA claim I’ve been waiting on for income is taking forever to process.
I try to stay on her side but some of her arguments and opinions are just absolutely ridiculous. She is becoming incredibly stressful and toxic to be around. She knows I’ve struggled with my mental health for years, and yet still never truly checks on me or treats me fairly.
She’s making the situation worse by using manipulative tactics. She’s threatened to remove me from my dad’s trust multiple times. Today, she offered me $1,000 not to attend the wedding, believing it will send a message to my older sister that she messed up and needs to come back. When I pointed out her hypocrisy, she became angry and said I “come off angry” and should “see someone,” even though I am.
The most shocking thing is that she’s using a letter my dad wrote after his cancer diagnosis, where he expressed a wish for the family to stay together, as leverage. She said I could read it if I accepted the money. She is also refusing to watch my dogs while I’m away for the wedding, which is her way of forcing me to stay home. I feel trapped and can’t believe I still have a year and a half of school left to deal with this. I feel like I’m going crazy and just need to get out of this toxic environment.
I want to go the wedding so bad, but I genuinely don’t know what she will do. Take me out of the trust? Throw all my stuff outside? Lock me out of the house?
Comments
So many people have put distance between them and her – why? Coincidence or is your mom the problem? Your mother is very good at manipulation. You are an adult so you get to make choices about who is in your life. Choose wisely, prioritizing your mental health and self-esteem.
Eh okay may be bad advice I’d say take the 1000, manipulate her back pay for a dog sitter and still go.
In order to attend You have put your dogs in a kennel and put your stuff into storage. Have an apt ready or dorm to move into before you go
Hire a lawyer to prevent her from changing the trust your two sisters should help pay for the lawyer since they are probably in the trust as well. If your mother removed them it mat be unlawful for her to change it.
Since your an adult Throwing away your stuff is a criminal offense but who wants to have their mom arrested
(1) Seek legal advice and determine if she can actually remove you from the trust; if no, (2) tell her you’re not going to the wedding and get the money; and (3) go to the wedding.
Get student loans, a new place to live and copies of the family trust!
Your mom is a narcissist and every one in her life is distancing themselves. But- you have a life goal and are dependent on her right now.
Sadly, what you should do it contact your cousin and tell her that you wnat to go to the wedding and you’d give anything to eb there but your mother has made it impossible for you to attend. Tell her exactly as you told us, you’re financially dependent, she refuses to care for your dogs when you’re out of town, and she’s threatened to cut you off and put you out. And until you finish school and can financially support yourself you’re stuck.
Then put your head down, buckle down on those books, finish school, start working and get the hell out.
Get your mom to transfer the $1000 today.
If she doesn’t, you know she’s bluffing.
Then there’s no need to negotiate.
If she does, you just skip the wedding.
Updateme
Seriously, too long a post. 1K to NOT attend some horrid wedding?? SIGN ME UP!
Go to the effen wedding OP. You need to stand up to your mom because she is beyond controlling.
With everyone gone, she needs you more than you need her so even if she gets pissed, it won’t last.
Go. To. The. Wedding.
There is a common denominator here. Your mom is toxic. Board your dogs at a nice kennel and go to the wedding.
I suggest whenever you talked to your mom about these issues and she starts threatening you. You should try and record it on your phone. I don’t know that she can legally remove you from a trust that was set up by your dad. But I would make note of all the threats she’s made. If you can get a recording of it, please do take it to a lawyer and ask if she can really do that. I really don’t think she can unless it was up to her to set up the trust. Which maybe she hasn’t done yet. I don’t know. Why would your mom even want to go to a wedding that people don’t want her there. Where is this wedding? Can you not go to the wedding and leave your dogs for a couple hours or or an evening? What about putting them in a kennel overnight or for a couple days if necessary?. Or do you have a friend that could watch your dogs?.
Updateme!
I don’t think you can just remove someone from a trust because you are mad at them.
If she has no 9ne else she with through a tantrum for a bit and gy over it. She really has no choice. Tell her so.
Ever heard the phrase a drill sergeant made when the team couldn’t get lined up to march because of one guy? (Jones) and he was exhausted from effort ??
“ looks like everybody is outta step but Jones “ Well- how is it Everyone is clear that mom is bad news except YOU ? You’re JONES! you know she’s bad news and a detriment to yoyr health but you still wanna march in her parade? Stop.
Go to the wedding, see the family. and prob your sister will even speak with mom not there . You Need ABreak from Her – dogs or not!
If the trust was from your dad, she can’t change anything in it, assuming it’s irrevocable. If it’s managed by her too, you need to think about if her having leverage over you is worth it. Assume you will never see the letter your dad wrote, because if she hasn’t shown it to you yet, she likely won’t. If you go, it will be good for you but it will create problems at home. If there’s any way you can change your living situation (multiple roommates perhaps) you should do it. I doubt she’s actually pay you $1000 to stay home, because she likely lies all the time and will find a reason not to give you the money. Be transparent with your family. Maybe they can help you.
There are things you can do. 1-Move out. 2-Put your dogs in the kennels. It’s not as if your mom keep you in her house you are an adult. You are using her but complaining about her, do you paid rent? Do you pay for utilities? Do you pay for food? Do you pay for your school?
Anyone demanding loyalty is toxic and you should run far
You are the golden child for the moment. But, not for long. Your Mom is a narcissist who can’t even imagine what might be good for, or make her own children, happy. You could go your whole life trying to please her, to no end. All my hugs and warm thoughts are being sent your way. I know this pain and it cuts deep.
Its your mom, I’d say tell her to keep the money and stay home with her. This whole family dynamic is a mess but you only have one mom