I’ve (34F, three kids ages 8, 5 and 4) already got it good and analyzed: my mom was raised by a drunk who would beat her mercilessly if she made so much as a peep. Now she has an instantaneous conditioned stress response to the sound of… Children. At all. Growing up was tough for me. She only hurt me twice (I know, “only”), but she basically screamed at me at all times and drilled it into my head that no one would ever be able to stand me. Now I have social anxiety and struggle with feeling guilty for doing normal things, but like her, I took a step forward with my own kids. I actually enjoy parenting, and enjoy the sounds of children playing, even if chaotic. We have certain noise level expectations depending on the place, but I’ve never just gone off on them for being heard.
My mom has changed a lot. She’s been in therapy for 16 years. It took me a good decade to trust her again, but now she’s actually someone I can mostly rely on. She got me through my son having gastroschisis and being in the NICU 96 days (she helped with my girls so I could go daily). Raced over at 10pm to watch the kids when my middle girl had an accident and needed to go to the hospital. I do not hate her or think she’s a bad person, just a very deeply injured person who’s still figuring out how to heal.
A HUGE problem now is family gatherings. We’ll take today as a blanket example: my 18 year old cousin returned for his first visit since moving out of state. My mom was late, and everyone was having fun playing with the kids until she showed up. There was immediately an endless micromanagement, telling them to be quieter, don’t touch anything (they weren’t), no jumping, no cartwheels, laughing too loud, getting too close to valuables, dropping a single chip crumb on the floor, just endless rapid fire corrections. I couldn’t get a word in edgewise. Every time I tried to converse with family, my mom would cut me off and tell me to pay attention to my kids (they weren’t even doing anything). The tension was so unbearable, I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
Now, my sister (38, lives with mom, single, no kids) has never taken a microscope to our childhood. She was laid back until Mom showed up, and then immediately started mirroring her stress (never having realized that she, too, is conditioned to panic and appease when mom feels stressed). Because everyone in my family is either older or child free, all child behavior at family gatherings is attributed to my parenting rather than being considered normal. There’s nothing to compare to. When my cousin was little, he would hit someone and make them bleed at every single party, but I digress…
If I yell at my kids and tell them to sit down and shut up, my mom feels guilty, which is a whole other trigger for her and causes an even bigger scene. So I have no path to victory here. I either yell at my kids for something that isn’t bad and send mom into a guilt freakout, or I let them act like kids and send her into a stress freakout. All the while, my childless sister is all too happy to nod along and make comments about my parenting.
Then comes the big kicker, every time: the moment mom sees me shutting down because of her crazy, and says “You look like you’re getting overwhelmed with the kids”. And what do I do, call her a crazy bitch in front of grandma?
We’ve had talks, but generational trauma is more complicated than “stop it”, “okay”. All I know is that my mom subconsciously wants me to soothe her anxiety disorder, but consciously believes she wants me to make some mysterious, undefined parenting choice that would almost certainly be unhealthy for my children. My refusal to perpetuate the family tradition of everyone giving their kids anxiety disorders is “a problem”.
I’m just getting so damn exhausted. She’s not bad, she’s just messed up. But I’m tempted to tell her that if she wants only adult behavior at family gatherings, they need to be childfree functions and my family won’t be attending.
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I think that would be appropriate to tell her.
Not trying to tell you what to do, but from an outsider’s point of view this is just what jumped out to me.
My own grandmother has similar issues with normal behavior, though I don’t know if it’s for the same reasons, and it did a lot of damage to us. Society presents grandparents as unconditionally loving and warm and supportive so it messes with your mind when you feel like your grandmother just doesn’t like you. It causes stress and anxiety when you realize there’s going to be an overreaction to anything you do, especially if, heaven forbid, you make a mistake. Same with your sister as their aunt. Plus they see you getting stressed out and criticized all the time. That’s not going to encourage a loving relationship as they get older.
It’s great that you can forgive and understand your mother’s behavior and rely on her in hard times. But does she act the same way about the kids’ behavior at home? If she does is she the best person to be caring for them during stressful times while they’re absorbing and dealing with whatever emergency has come up but then walking on egg shells to not be criticized?
I think you should in fact take a step back from family gatherings. Tell her why. Tell her how she gets your sister riled up also. Tell her to work on it in therapy or you’re never attending a gathering again. It’s not good for you or the kids. I guarantee your kids will remember grandma acting like that forever at gatherings. I remember my mother being that way and now I refuse to go to all family gatherings and have for almost 20 years
I think it would be fair to say you aren’t attending anymore family get togethers with the kids. At this point, it seems like you’re giving mixed signals to your children- can or can they not play? Is it bad for them to laugh or no? Should they be worried like everyone or no?
For the sake of your children’s well-being, I think it’s appropriate to say hey clearly you guys aren’t welcoming to young children because of x, and that’s something you need to work, but I’m not going to penalize my kids for being happy and, well, kids.
Maybe bring it up to your mom on the side, and just be clear. She still needs to work through some stuff before she can be in this setting with your kids. Period. You understand this goes deeper than a simple stop it or move on, but you can’t put your kids in the same cycle. It’s hard having to lay it out like that but your mother’s emotional trauma isn’t your trauma to heal- nor is it your kids burden to bear.
Tell your mom all of this and tell her to take it to her therapist. This is on her to fix herself and not on you or your kids to appease her
You shouldn’t put yourself or your kids through that experience again. It’s not good for them, and is probably perpetuating generational trauma to a degree because of your mom.
I think you are a great mom. It’s admirable your mom has been in therapy so long and does help you with the kids (does she expect them to be quiet and behave perfectly when she watches them), but she has a ways to go.
Stay away from family gatherings and keep doing what you are doing. Explain to your mom and family that when you and your kids are with them you feel like your only choices are to discipline your children for no fault of their own or send your mom into a stress spiral if you don’t. You can’t win so don’t try and hopefully after 16 years of therapy, she will understand your perspective.
It’s more important to protect your kids than your mom. I hate to say it, but in her case, the damage is already done.
Write all of this out clearly with detailed examples.
Hand it to her therapist.
Tell your mother that her therapist is in possession of documentation of your issue with HER and her behavior, and that she can work it through with the therapist, but until she does you and your children are done with being the token young family for all and sundry to judge at extended family gatherings.