For context, my boyfriend and I have been dating for a month after being good friends for five years. It really feels like nothing has changed other than the fact we both know we love one another–we share similar values, interests, plans for the future, etc. Maybe it’s just because I’m young but I really love him and after God the mess of the Hinge, Bumble, Tinder wringer (ugh) I feel really lucky that I’ve found him. We communicate really well, he’s really receptive to my needs as I am to his, and he makes me extremely happy. My mother has also communicated in the past that she approves of our relationship and that she likes him a lot.
He has what I think is Poland syndrome–an underdeveloped pectoral muscle that affects muscle development in his right arm and an underdeveloped right hand. I’m not going to claim to be the expert because he hasn’t confirmed it but I see nothing wrong with it and I love him all the same. It doesn’t seem to impair him–he does what a normal teen does, he’s good at sports, he plays games, he studies well, he has ambition. Also it looks like he’s doing a hang loose sign all the time which is super sick to me. Even when thinking about the future I really just don’t see any caveats that would dissuade me–so he can carry only one grocery bag at a time, who cares?
Anyways, my mother after five years and countless of his visits to our home JUST noticed his arm. Suddenly her approval turns a 180. What followed was a night of interrogation, of “why didn’t you tell me about his arm?” and “he’s not good enough for you, he can’t provide for you, you’ll see all the other girls with their able-bodied boyfriends and he has a limit of helping you.” She mentioned that it was genetic (which is. a total lie) and brought up if “our kids would have it too.”
I think UNDERSTANDABLY I was like, “I… literally don’t care? Huh??” And she started crying and sobbing and boo-hooing about how life will be so hard dating a person with a disability and how there are so many better fish in the sea, that what we have “isn’t serious right now, we’re just dating, take some time to think about it.” I’m in the process of preparing for law school right now (T14 hopeful let’s go baby) and she’s so insistent that I’ll find someone “better” there. “You’re a pretty girl,” she said.
Because there are soooo many avenues and soooo many better people. Snort!
She also said, “Friendship and dating are two completely different things–this is a new sphere of navigation and your outlook WILL be different.” ??? Like am I crazy or is she completely wrong?? It really does feel like nothing has changed between my boyfriend and I.
Sigh but I really just. Am so lost. I know it comes from a good place and I can’t even begin to describe the depth of her sacrifice for me but I like. I’m so lost. What breaks my heart even more is that my boyfriend said to me if I find another guy better than him that he just wants me to be happy and I can’t even write this without tearing up about it.
I ended up ending the conversation with a “I’ll keep an open mind” and “I’ll always put myself first.” I don’t think it’s normal, what she’s telling me. For God’s sake I’m 19! It feels so hypocritical that she’s stressing the “you’re ONLY dating you don’t KNOW you’re going to get married” while going into this tirade about the future. Obviously I can’t tell him–how could I? I feel like I have nobody to go to about this. How do I even begin to navigate this?
TL;DR: My mother disapproves of my relationship with my amazing boyfriend because he has a congenial condition that impairs the development of his right pectoral, arm, and hand and is claiming that he’s “not good enough for me” and the condition won’t allow him “to provide for me” because “he has a limit.” I know it comes from a good place but I’m really struggling on figuring out how to navigate the ableism + understanding her perspective when it seems like his condition won’t really affect the role he plays in the relationship.
Comments
Oof, I’m going to try to be generous here and ask if your mum maybe doesn’t realize that Poland syndrome more often than not is a sporadic mutation and not heritable?
I’m just trying to imagine why someone would go into a panic like this and I landed on ignorance and fear. So maybe I’m totally off the mark and she just hates people who are not “typical”.
Either way it’s your responsibility now to never subject your boyfriend to her again. She doesn’t deserve to be in his presence until she deals with her issues.
If you’re going to maintain a relationship with her you’ll just have to make the topic of your boyfriend completely off limits.
OP, I’m really curious: is this the first time your mom has said something truly ugly? I would bet it’s not.
You’re at an age where you’re rapidly going to start seeing your parents as people – flawed, human people. I have no doubt your mom did a great job raising you. You’re clearly very loving, unprejudiced, and smart (kill it at law school). But also, I have no doubt that your mom believes and says some ableist shit.
Part of being a young adult is learning to see your parents as people and developing new relationships with them. This is a chance to see what it means to develop and enforce boundaries with her, to protect your boyfriend, and to celebrate the great person she raised (I.e., you).
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, but I’m certain you’ll get through it.