I (36 f) have had a rough relationship with my mother since I was 12 years old. I don’t know what really started it, but she’s always been a little intense to deal with.
My mother wrote me a 3 page letter detailing why my life is crap (it isn’t) and why I am a bad mother (I’m not). She’s decided I’m the reason for all her suffering in life now.
Her reasons:
Obsessive relationship with my fiancé: She says talking every day for an hour and spending every weekend together in some capacity shows that I am sexually and mentally obsessed with him.
I’m remembering things that “didn’t happen” from my childhood: She cornered me on more than one occasion threatening to hit me and/or send me to boot camp because my room wasn’t clean or my grades were low. I was beat with the belt and wooden spoons and she threw my shelves down when I was 8 because they weren’t organized the way she wanted them. She would regularly tell me I was gaining weight when I was always a size 0-2 when I was a teenager. My hobbies became her obsession and I had to do them the way she wanted or it was wrong, this included acting, singing and dancing – all things she has no idea on how to do correctly.
I married young (yes, this was dumb and I’ve agreed with that), chose a career she didn’t agree with and left school when I was failing the classes.
I started dating again before my daughter finished school so that is traumatizing to her: My daughter loves my fiancé and said she’d be hurt if I left him (Plus he’s been an amazing influence on her)
That because I didn’t have the money to get my daughter psychiatric care, I’m neglecting my daughter: I have been trying to get her on insurance and still don’t know if medicine is what she needs. I am currently paying out of pocket for therapy and she starts with a new insurance-covered therapist later this month to get her re-evaluated and to see if she does need pharmaceutical intervention. The current therapist is not able to do the evaluation and the school psychiatrist thought she didn’t need medications to help.
She said that because I’m neglectful and our shared room is a mess (my kid is 15 and we both have severe ADD) that she is going to make sure CPS takes her seriously (she has sent the same messy room picture twice and CPS couldn’t care less).
I’m psychotic because I yelled at her to get therapy after she was dogging on all of my life choices and complaining for a solid 15-20 minutes and I couldn’t take her anymore.
Also, I’m the reason she has no friends because they saw who she is towards me and they told me to get away from her.
I don’t know how to respond to her anymore. I’m obviously moving out (finally found an apartment we can afford) and I plan on making sure she does not have the new address. She’s threatened to send weekly wellness checks to my apartment and call CPS and/or a child welfare attorney to make sure that my daughter gets taken away by her dad. The woman is unbalanced and has been for a very long time. She refuses to get therapy and blames all of her mental health issues on her children and husband. All three of her kids (me included) have severe anxiety and depression issues due to the abuses we’ve endured but she refuses to see that she is the common denominator.
I want to leave her a letter when I leave, but I’m not sure if that would be wise. I still love her – she is my mother – but I can’t continue with being in contact with her. I’ve had my daughter block her on all social media and I’ve done the same. She has been taken off of the school pick up and emergency contact for my daughter, as well.
What would you do? How do you handle emotional abuse to this degree?
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You move out. Don’t leave a letter. Don’t leave an address. Change your telephone number. Call the local PD and tell them your mother is mentally unwell and may try to make false reports saying you or your child is missing. Explain you are moving and cutting contact for safety reasons. Don’t look back. It’ll be hard but you must remain strong.
I’m certainly no expert and I don’t have any personal experience that’s relevant, but since you asked what I would do I would have to say that you seem to have the right idea. I would leave, as soon as possible, and cut contact with her for the foreseeable future. Perhaps not forever, but you sound like you need some space for yourself, your daughter, and your fiancé.
The letter is probably a good idea, though I would keep it short, to the point, and blunt. You essentially said exactly what needs to be in the letter when you wrote, “I still love her – she is my mother – but I can’t continue with being in contact with her.” Expand on that but don’t be overly emotional in the letter since it seems like she might feed on that kind of thing and try to guilt trip you with it. State the facts: you need space, you can’t continue being in contact with her (at least for now), and that she is your mother and you respect that and love her for that reason but you won’t tolerate her behavior any longer. You might ask her not to contact you for a certain period of time, say six months or a year. She likely won’t respect that, even if she doesn’t immediately know how to contact you, but it’s worth stating it anyway. You might also want to pick up a book on setting boundaries as well. This thread has some recommendations.
She’s still not getting it. Probably never will unfortunately.
You can write her a letter if it makes you feel better, but it sounds like it won’t do a bit of good so maybe don’t send it to her. But it would help for you to get everything off your chest and write it down I suppose, though maybe this post takes care of that end for you.
Honey, this is emotional and psychological abuse. This is a case for no contact, and at the very least low contact. You are right, trust your gut.
Move out and go no contact. She has shown you who she is; believe her. It will never change though I understand you don’t want to give up hoping it will.
Sounds like you need r/raisedbynarcissists
Do not leave a letter, she’s not going to understand it the way you want. Just take your shit and leave unannounced so she can’t sabotage and/or make a scene. She’s already reported you to CPS multiple times, just stop telling her anything of value at all.
Good luck with your move, and best wishes to you, your daughter and fiance as you make your chosen family.
My mom was not as bad as yours but reading about her jealousy and bad behavior raised my hackles up just like she was in the room with me.
You will not believe how much more energy, mental clarity, and peace you have after she’s out of your life.
Get therapy to deal with the guilt.
🌼
I’m sorry you are going through this. Please get out and mute or block her. Make sure she does not have access to your location on you or your daughters phone. You deserve peace in your life so does your daughter
One more step: when she finds you at your new place – and she will – don’t be afraid to get a restraining order. Wait until she finds you because you’ll have to put your address on it, but if she’s going to continue to harass you and call law enforcement/CPS on you, that restraining order can help to keep you from having to deal with people showing up all the time. They’ll be more likely to ignore her and believe you if you have taken legal steps to stop the harassment.
Good luck with your new place, and with getting your daughter the help she needs!
You don’t have to maintain contact with anyone this toxic!
If this was a friend treating you this way, you’d drop them in a heartbeat.
For your own peace and wellbeing, go NC with your mom
Listen to your friends. Get away from her. Then let go of the hope that she’ll suddenly ‘get it.’ She won’t.
All mothers eventually grow to hate their daughters.
Get out and go no contact.
Your mother sounds like she has issues. I’m glad you are getting out.
I do think a letter is a good idea, but only after you are out and your emotions have had a chance to settle. Right now your frustrations likely would come out and that wouldn’t be the goal of the letter.
There are 2 kinds of letters that I know of for these situations. The first kind we write and let all of our emotions out onto the page. We don’t send these because these are for our own release and processing of emotions. Scream in writing all you like.
The second kind is for sending. The point of this kind of letter is to maintain a bridge to the only mother you have. While it is best to be honest, this is not the place to be impassioned. It is to write how you wish a future relationship with her could go, and perhaps your boundaries, if you know these will help you during personal interactions. Especially since it sounds like the only way she knows how to relate to you /show she cares is to berate you. Make it clear that you will no longer tolerate that kind of speaking.
It sounds like when your life fell apart she took you in. Maybe I got that wrong. Maybe you are covering all the rent/bills. Idk. But if she gave you shelter, that means somewhere in her shriveled little heart, she has a place for you but no skills to show you. If so, grant her some grace for being (a minimal) mom…..even as she made you pay for it in emotional abuse. It’s ok to keep your distance from that.
No letter. She may be able to use it as ammunition against you, and she is also not worth the effort. You can write it— but do it for you. (Edit to add: and do not give it to her. It’s for you to keep. She never sees it.) Don’t give her any power over you. Don’t let her know what you are thinking, feeling, or planning. Information is power.
If you can talk to an attorney, you should. She is threatening you, and if she follows through, that’s harassment. I’d go no contact, but given her threats, here’s what I would do:
This is where you really would benefit from speaking to an attorney. You may be able to get a free consultation via domestic violence services. It’s worth calling your local shelters etc to see what is available in your area. I believe you may also want to contact CPS about her threats and the order, once you have that all in place. If she follows through on her threats, you do not rise to the bait, and you can get it all in writing, she will dig herself into a situation where she loses all credibility. But you need to have evidence of her behavior (+ intentions if possible) and a defensive strategy in place now.
I am not an attorney and I haven’t been through this! Other people may have much better advice, but I have dealt with getting people like this out of my life. Your job here is to protect yourself and your daughter. I was held back by a lot of misplaced guilt for years, which is why I say to focus on what you need and get out.
As for the emotional part… be gentle with yourself and give yourself time. You have a lot on your plate. The best support I’ve found is a robust group of women who are my close friends. They are good people. Surround yourself with good, kind people.
You may have complex ptsd coming out of that situation as well. If you haven’t looked into that, it’s worth checking out because the strategies for healing are different from other mental health challenges.
Hang in there. You are doing so well just to see how messed up it is and get out of there.
Edit to add: one way to think about people like this, which I feel is fair, is that they’re stuck in a delusion so deep, there’s no helping them. They don’t want to be helped because they would become responsible for their own lives and choices. It’s too much for them. All you can really do is accept her as she is— which is actually loving toward her— and cut all contact for your safety and well being— which is loving toward you. And you deserve that love and safety. You can’t help her. She doesn’t want to understand, or she isn’t capable of it.
So sorry you are having to go through this.
Time for NC
Hey I’m younger than you. But i spent a little too much time on the CPTSDmemes subreddit. And my mother is mentally unwell too.
She is manipulating you the same way my mother does. She lectures about how you’re doing everything wrong just because you aren’t doing it HER way. And shes using your own kid as leverage against you to try to make you do what she wants. And she’s insane if she thinks TALKING TO YOUR PARTNER is bad. Your mother is doing the isolation bullcrap to make you feel shes your entire world. And it’s a really hard reality to accept. It’s easy to see from the outside, but hard to process when it’s your own life. I don’t really have any advice i can give. But i at least want to tell you to stay strong and good luck in taking back YOUR life and protecting your daughter.
My mom sent a 4:30am book long text of kind of the same stuff. Blaming me for stuff. It was my DONE moment.
Went NC since.
You’re not alone. Moms can be hard to deal with.
Move out…
>I don’t know how to respond to her anymore.
Don’t. That’s literally your only option here.
If she shows up to your new apartment you may want to get a restraining order. Make sure you don’t ever have to move back in with her. You need some distance – your mom needs some distance whether she knows it or not. It sounds like you and your daughter will be mentally healthier without your mom. Instead of giving her an angry letter she can use against you later, focus on how you will set boundaries and create space between your mom and you, daughter, and fiance.
It’s your decision really- in the end. But just know you deserve happiness. You deserve to not go through this constant cycle every day with her. It’s rubbing off on your daughter and you both deserve to be happy and CALM. No more yelling no more crying. Just calm. Leaving my narcissistic family was hard- so so so hard. But I don’t flinch at slamming cabinets anymore. And I can take notice how in my apartment being completely quiet I’ve healed something in me. Calm and quiet is the hurt child’s most chased dream. Go find your own quiet.
Girl please leave and go no contact
Your mother is a narcissist. Please consider going no contact for your own well being. I was in your shoes once.
OP, please make sure that your mom hasn’t found a way to put a tracking device on your phone, your computer, or in your car.
Sending you my warmest wishes. Please update when you can. I’m rooting for you!
Get out, cut contact. Don’t leave her a letter, she will not care.
You need to start getting your things out of the house gradually. She will escalate and try to sabotage your move. Don’t tell her the date you are actually leaving, instead just get everything out and go on an earlier date than she expects, while she is not at home.
As others have said, a lot of this sounds like narcissism. The relationship turning sour at age 12 fits because that is when you started showing signs of being your own person and not just an extension of her. You have had some big hills to climb. You are making great strides in building a life you can be proud of.
You have a mental disorder and it’s called asshatmotheritis.
I have it too.
It’s chronic and can be genetically transmitted.
There is hope.
It can be managed without medication or by committing a felony.
Sibling Support for families with asshatmotheritis groups can help but are hard to find. Start your own if you can.
Raise your children with caution..ignore most all input from your mother.
Results have shown she’s talking out of her ass.
Asshatmotheritis Sufferers Unite! 🫵
If you can swing it get a po box for yours and daughters mail so your mother can’t hold that
Sometimes we stay in a suboptimal situation because the benefits outweigh the downsides. It sounds like this is why you are living with her – you needed the support as a single mom, and/or you aren’t yet financially stable. If that’s the case you suck it up as long as you need to. Then leave.
I wouldn’t think about it any more deeply than that. You’re almost out, so save your mental energy for more important things. However she is going to be PISSED when you refuse to give her your address, so be prepared for that.
Talk about projection. lol. Just slowly quit replying to her. Getting you to engage is her winning.