Bruh. It just clicked for me today why my mother’s life has been so miserable. She got pregnant before marriage, and because my home country was anti-abortion and it was illegal, she could not get an abortion. She was forced to either be a single, unwed mother (a massive cultural shame) or marry my father. So she resigned herself to her fate, and has been paying for it ever since. It’s likely also why she was so abusive. She “loved” us as her children but she literally gave up her life and her dreams and aspirations to be a mother. Her own mother was a single, unwed mother at 19 in our home country and I’m sure she did not want to risk it. You see generation cycles?
I used to fear my life turning out like hers, but now I am beginning to understand it could never. I have choices, I have options. The world is a bigger place for me than her, and in a way, despite the horrific abuse I endured at her hands, my heart breaks for her. She had no options. My father was a lying, cheating, occult-involved immature, man-baby asshole (she was paying the rent when they lived in my father’s family compound). Getting with him misdirected and delayed her life.
So this is what we mean when we say we must break generational cycles. My heart is breaking for her.
And also, we have to guard our wombs when it comes to selecting a partner as BEST you can. Be GRILLING and selective. I’m sorry if that sounds icky but it’s the most direct way I can say it. If a man is not diligent, hard-working, kind, loving and honorable, don’t fucking marry/get impregnated by that man or it will cost your dreams, your goals, your aspirations, your spirit, your life force energy. Some women even pay with their lives if the mans turns out to be actually abusive. YOU will be the one pregnant for 9 months.
Partnership is NOT fucking worth it if it takes everything from you. I think a lot of women still struggle to accept that. Also, don’t be envious of other people’s relationships. You NEVER tf know what on earth is going on behind closed doors. You DON’T. So many women AND men are truly miserable, and imo I think it’s because a lot of people struggle with self-awareness, inner security, emotional regulation, etc. They’re not fully, truly connected to themselves so they act out in relationships, or the stay when it gets toxic, or they ARE toxic because they struggle with addiction, they never healed their childhood trauma, etc etc etc.
So yeah. I’m overcome with emotion right now. Blessings to you and I hope everyone takes care of themselves. Try to make friends, and try to make friends with people you may not normally approach. I think a lot of people also struggle to make friends because they try to befriend only people that look like them, or only energies they are familiar with. Go beyond your mind’s coding and know that anyone can be a friend to you as long as they have a good vibe. People out there are looking for a friend like you just as you’re looking for them. Save money and travel if you can, and immerse yourself in other cultures.
This was long. Hope everyone takes care.
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Sending you all the love. Even here in the U.S., we are learning we can’t trust men to do the right thing. I mean, we’ve known it, but it’s being made painfully clear under the Trump regime. They WILL use our bodies as they please and force us into domestic and sexual slavery if given the chance.
Not all of them, of course. But enough to make it dangerous, clearly. And not enough of the “good” men are fighting against it to make a difference.
This is how it’s been for generations upon generations of women all throughout the ages, my own mother included. It’s only very recently that some women have real choices about how they want to live their lives. The pain I feel for my foremothers and present day women also forced into situations not of their own making is what fuels me to be non complacent and non compliant when it comes to the patriarchy, and for and fighting for women’s rights. I hope for a day where there is no more generational trauma caused by years and years of abuse and stolen rights.
Similar story about my maternal grandmother. She had my mother late in life at 41, the youngest of eight children. She spent 20 years of her life either pregnant or nursing a child, with a man 17 years her senior. She had been a gifted violinist before he came into her life and knocked her up, and I still don’t know what the circumstances were of that. By time my siblings and I came along she was a bitter, unpleasant old woman. Most of her children and grandchildren had nothing to do with her. The one son she had took his own life.
I had my first child at 22, and yes he was a surprise, but because it was the early 90s and I live in a blue state I actually had a choice in keeping him. Not long before she died I was giving her a pedicure because she couldn’t take care of her feet, and she was in her mid-80s at the time (this was 1994). I had my two year old son with me and he was sitting with me and we kept smiling at each other while he happily played with his toys. My grandmother got this odd look on her face and said in a really puzzled tone, “You seem very fond of him.” Yes, because he was a choice I made, not something inflicted on me by some old man. That was the day that I stopped resenting her and started pitying her.
She’d had no choices at all and her life was wrecked by being forced to give birth to children she never wanted, and she inflicted trauma on all eight of those children in turn, who inflicted it on their own children, and so on.