My mum backseat parents and I’m starting to lose my mind

r/

My (F28) mum (f 45) has always been really close with me. However when I had my son (M/6) she started to takeover helping out kinda like a 3rd parent. We would bring this up and she would dismiss saying she was just being a hands on granny and that they have “a special bond”. This always annoyed me but I ignored it. Picking my battles. Slowly but surely this has gotten a lot worse, especially now I have two children. She does spend a lot of time with us which is great and in other aspects of life she is amazing and so helpful. But when it comes to my children and how I raise them – I hate it. She will go behind my back and let the kids do things she knows I won’t agree with, will “forget” to ask me things, will openly just allow the kids or mention things to the kids right infront of me and then go “sorry I wasn’t thinking…” but EVERY time. My son has asthma and she is constantly checking if I’ve given him his steroid inhalers which he needs twice daily, she will openly step in and give the kids into trouble instead of allowing me to handle the situation – or I’ll be in the middle of handling a meltdown or a fight between the kids and she will come over and intervene. Or if I’m having a moment with my children she HAS to get their attention, proclaiming she’s the favourite and they love her the most (saying she’s joking but this happens everytime she comes over) There is so many more details I can add but for now I’ll leave it there.

Now this has been 6 years of this, and I am honestly mentally drained with it. Today she did the same things, trying to intervene when I was speaking to the kids about an issue they were having, and then went behind my back and gave the kids a snack that she knew I would not be happy about but did it anyway and when I called her out on it, she was trying not to laugh.

The worst thing about this is, I can see my children reacting different with her, they now openly listen to her over me which I get is a typical child but they only do this with her – no one else. And my son has said that she feels like another mum and not a granny. When he told me this, I broke.

If this was your situation, what would you do? Am I being dramatic?

Also note- posting elsewhere but with my throwaway acc incase my family see it on relationship advice but wanted to post here also since I listen to the podcast.

Comments

  1. AutoModerator Avatar

    Thanks for submitting to the Two Hot Takes Podcast Subreddit! We’d like to remind you that all posts are subject to being featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast. If your story is featured you’ll
    get a nifty flair change to let you know and we’ll drop a link so you can see our host’s take on your story.

    I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

  2. AutoModerator Avatar

    Backup of the post’s body: My (F28) mum (f 45) has always been really close with me. However when I had my son (M/6) she started to takeover helping out kinda like a 3rd parent. We would bring this up and she would dismiss saying she was just being a hands on granny and that they have “a special bond”. This always annoyed me but I ignored it. Picking my battles. Slowly but surely this has gotten a lot worse, especially now I have two children. She does spend a lot of time with us which is great and in other aspects of life she is amazing and so helpful. But when it comes to my children and how I raise them – I hate it. She will go behind my back and let the kids do things she knows I won’t agree with, will “forget” to ask me things, will openly just allow the kids or mention things to the kids right infront of me and then go “sorry I wasn’t thinking…” but EVERY time. My son has asthma and she is constantly checking if I’ve given him his steroid inhalers which he needs twice daily, she will openly step in and give the kids into trouble instead of allowing me to handle the situation – or I’ll be in the middle of handling a meltdown or a fight between the kids and she will come over and intervene. Or if I’m having a moment with my children she HAS to get their attention, proclaiming she’s the favourite and they love her the most (saying she’s joking but this happens everytime she comes over) There is so many more details I can add but for now I’ll leave it there.

    Now this has been 6 years of this, and I am honestly mentally drained with it. Today she did the same things, trying to intervene when I was speaking to the kids about an issue they were having, and then went behind my back and gave the kids a snack that she knew I would not be happy about but did it anyway and when I called her out on it, she was trying not to laugh.

    The worst thing about this is, I can see my children reacting different with her, they now openly listen to her over me which I get is a typical child but they only do this with her – no one else. And my son has said that she feels like another mum and not a granny. When he told me this, I broke.

    If this was your situation, what would you do? Am I being dramatic?

    Also note- posting elsewhere but with my throwaway acc incase my family see it on relationship advice but wanted to post here also since I listen to the podcast.

    I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

  3. Gringa-Loca26 Avatar

    Start by having a conversation with her about your boundaries and if she doesn’t listen, give her consequences. Time outs, no visits/phone calls, etc. Tell her very clearly that you are the parent and she needs to follow your rules for your kids otherwise she will get less time with them.

  4. PigsIsEqual Avatar

    Sorry, girl….she needs some time out from your kids. Now that you’ve seen the changes in them about the difference in your parenting styles, it’s time to get serious, even if it hurts her feelings.

    Cut down on the visits, and correct her in the moment when she butts in. Put a hand up and say “I’ve got this”. Hell, lock down your snack pantry if you have to. You are the mother and you need to stop accepting her excuses and give out some consequences!

  5. Competitive_Sleep_21 Avatar

    She needs a time out for a few months and you need to take back your power. Take a break and then tell her when she can respect your role better she will be slowly reintroduced into your life. When you do see her in a few months see her for short periods of time in public places.

    She is not being kind and is setting you and your children up for failure.

    She was a very young mom and may have a case of arrested development.

    You need to decide if having healthy well adjusted children or letting your mom act like a jackass matters more.

  6. Imaginary-Brick-2894 Avatar

    Like most everyone here, I can not believe you have lasted six years with this behavior of your mother’s. You really need to step up and be your children’s mom. Your mother is eroding your power and will not stop.

    Please explain to her that you can no longer look away at her undermining your authority with your children. She will have to leave the very next time you see her do this. And she can only come back when invited by you.

    While I agree with you needing to set consequences for your mother, OP, may I also make another suggestion?

    I would not let her back with the kids until she started medication for her new ADD diagnosis and went to therapy to deal with it.
    ADD does explain some of what she has done. But it occurred to me that she had never accepted how her problem affects you and your children! Nor does she admit how much it hurts you.

    Be prepared for her to forget the rules and for a few tears and temper tantrums. But you have years of experience handling this type of behavior now because you are a mom of two small children. You can do this.

  7. Slightlysanemomof5 Avatar

    How I handled a similar situation with both set of grandparents ( lucky me!). Most visits were at grandparents home so when grandparents started interfering and making my children act poorly we just left. My record once was 15 minutes with in laws and it was an hour drive to visit. I also used the same phrase every time grandparents tried to
    “Help” or take over, it was not kind and I did not use a nice tone. “ walk away ( grandparent name), I am the mom and I am taking care of things”. When you get the hurt -shocked “ I’m only trying to help. I forgot! But I’m the grandma/grandpa”. Say I do not need your interference/help. Walk away. My parents were not great but backed off some, in laws I just took children and left. We got to the point of driving 2 cars so husband could stay and visit. Cut back on visits and assert your dominance, it’s your child and being a grandparent is a privilege not a right.

  8. Thatsnotreallytrue Avatar

    Are you living with your mom? Time to move out –or move mom out if it’s your place.

  9. NiceOccasion3746 Avatar

    I could have written this, OP. This behavior serves to make her feel special in your kids’ eyes. It’s puzzling that she doesn’t give a shit about how she looks in your eyes, isn’t it. This will not get better unless she finds some other source that makes her feel special. So, you either have to lay down the law and call her out every time she misbehaves. And be prepared to hear all sorts of BS deflection and justification. Or you reduce contact to minimize her opportunities to misbehave. Her need to feel relevant is overriding her need to operate within healthy boundaries. You have to change the course.

    My mother was exactly like this with my daughter. She couldn’t ever remember her bad behavior or she would play dumb to understanding that she had, indeed, crossed lines. Fortunately(?) she showed her true colors to my daughter when she was a teen, and my daughter distanced herself. My daughter was a good,solid kid but I often wonder what teenage behavior my mother would have enabled just to shine in my kid’s eyes. Mom’s own bad behavior ultimately saved us from more of her bad behavior.

  10. Jen5872 Avatar

    Find your inner mama bear and put your mom in time out. “Mom, these are my kids and my rules. I don’t want your interference when I’m parenting my children. Until you start respecting me as the parent of these kids and stay in your lane, you’re not welcome here.”

    When she oversteps, escort her to the door with a “time to go, mom!”

  11. bopperbopper Avatar

    Why is she interacting with you or your children? Do you live with her? Does she come over? Does she call you?

    The first thing you can do is slow down the frequency of interaction. So she normally contact you twice a day only answer once a day. If it’s once a day go to every other day. If she sees the kids once a week then it’s once every two weeks or once a month.

    “ mom I’ve been a parent for six years and you gotta let me parent and stop going behind my back. You gotta stop mentioning things in front of them before I agree. I know we’ve talked about this before, but if you keep doing it. Is this something you can do?” Or “we are going to take a break from visits while you work on that “

    Then you gotta start enforcing it. If she’s asking you if you did the inhalers, you hang up the phone. If she mentions going to the park before asking you, you tell her it’s time for her to go.