Not sure if this is going to be a long one really need to get this off my chest and could do with some advice. Title is pretty much what it says however me and my partner are not married (MIL is easier than saying partners mother).
Will start by giving some context. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years (both of us 24) and have never really had any major issues, we both still live at home with parents. We had been dating for over 6 months and had just started to make things official when his dad & my grandad (mums side) passed away both quite unexpectedly. I struggled to divide my time supporting my mum and my boyfriend during such a difficult time for both families which caused a major rift between me and my mum as she felt my boyfriend didnt need my support as much as she did because we hadn’t been together that long. My mum and boyfriend had a rocky relationship at the start, I still can’t really put my finger on why but could be because of this rift.
Now 3 years later and my MIL lives abroad half of the year in 3 month blocks, leaving my boyfriend alone to look after the house and dog for those months away. During this time the only real option to see him is spending time at his due to the dog, we have been in a routine of me spending full weekends at his (I drive and only live a 5 minute drive away from his house). Recently my MIL has returned home from abroad for 3 months, as we have not seen her in a while we have been doing things on the weekend like going for food & drinks and this weekend we went to the last football game of the season (my boyfriend is a massive football fan and so was his dad so was quite a special game for him). This is where the big problem has come from, my mum (not a football fan) has been ignoring me for the past 3 days about not being invited to football with us. Telling me I prioritise MIL over her and never invite my mum to anything me, boyfriend and MIL do.
Mum and MIL don’t have any major problems and we often invite MIL to our family parties when she is at home (not an often occurrence, once every couple of months) and my mum is using the fact we have invited her in the past as the main point in her argument. To me I didn’t see a problem not inviting her to football as she does not like it and has made it very clear in the past she would not want to go. It seems to me like she doesn’t want me to do things with MIL or is jealous of the time I spend with her as we do get along really well. My mum has been telling me she feels unwanted and that I see my own parents as second best. I don’t want to undermine how my mum feels but at the same time it seems insane that she has got so upset about not being invited to football and there has to be more to it, she is refusing to speak to me so it’s hard for me to understand what has upset her so much.
Unsure how to navigate being stuck in this position between mum and MIL especially because MIL is on her own and my mum has my dad. The problems seem to come around weekends when I spend weekends at my boyfriend’s house over my own home (the only time we can see eachother due to work commitments) and the last thing I want to do is make my mum feel unwanted but is she being unreasonable about this? If my parents wanted to do something with me over the weekend I would make time for them and it’s not like I don’t spend the time with my mum during the week (During the week me and mum do fitness classes together for 2 days and go walking every morning before work). Is it weird for me to spend every weekend at my boyfriend’s house? How can I reassure my mum that she is not second best!
Comments
Backup of the post’s body: Not sure if this is going to be a long one really need to get this off my chest and could do with some advice. Title is pretty much what it says however me and my partner are not married (MIL is easier than saying partners mother).
Will start by giving some context. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years (both of us 24) and have never really had any major issues, we both still live at home with parents. We had been dating for over 6 months and had just started to make things official when his dad & my grandad (mums side) passed away both quite unexpectedly. I struggled to divide my time supporting my mum and my boyfriend during such a difficult time for both families which caused a major rift between me and my mum as she felt my boyfriend didnt need my support as much as she did because we hadn’t been together that long. My mum and boyfriend had a rocky relationship at the start, I still can’t really put my finger on why but could be because of this rift.
Now 3 years later and my MIL lives abroad half of the year in 3 month blocks, leaving my boyfriend alone to look after the house and dog for those months away. During this time the only real option to see him is spending time at his due to the dog, we have been in a routine of me spending full weekends at his (I drive and only live a 5 minute drive away from his house). Recently my MIL has returned home from abroad for 3 months, as we have not seen her in a while we have been doing things on the weekend like going for food & drinks and this weekend we went to the last football game of the season (my boyfriend is a massive football fan and so was his dad so was quite a special game for him). This is where the big problem has come from, my mum (not a football fan) has been ignoring me for the past 3 days about not being invited to football with us. Telling me I prioritise MIL over her and never invite my mum to anything me, boyfriend and MIL do.
Mum and MIL don’t have any major problems and we often invite MIL to our family parties when she is at home (not an often occurrence, once every couple of months) and my mum is using the fact we have invited her in the past as the main point in her argument. To me I didn’t see a problem not inviting her to football as she does not like it and has made it very clear in the past she would not want to go. It seems to me like she doesn’t want me to do things with MIL or is jealous of the time I spend with her as we do get along really well. My mum has been telling me she feels unwanted and that I see my own parents as second best. I don’t want to undermine how my mum feels but at the same time it seems insane that she has got so upset about not being invited to football and there has to be more to it, she is refusing to speak to me so it’s hard for me to understand what has upset her so much.
Unsure how to navigate being stuck in this position between mum and MIL especially because MIL is on her own and my mum has my dad. The problems seem to come around weekends when I spend weekends at my boyfriend’s house over my own home (the only time we can see eachother due to work commitments) and the last thing I want to do is make my mum feel unwanted but is she being unreasonable about this? If my parents wanted to do something with me over the weekend I would make time for them and it’s not like I don’t spend the time with my mum during the week (During the week me and mum do fitness classes together for 2 days and go walking every morning before work). Is it weird for me to spend every weekend at my boyfriend’s house? How can I reassure my mum that she is not second best!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Thanks for submitting to the Two Hot Takes Podcast Subreddit! We’d like to remind you that all posts are subject to being featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast. If your story is featured you’ll
get a nifty flair change to let you know and we’ll drop a link so you can see our host’s take on your story.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
It sounds like your mom is lonely. She is probably feeling jealous and a little hurt. This happens when kids start leaving the nest. My advice is to move all the way out and allow your mom to deal with it, instead of you being one foot in and out of the door. It’s hard on parents sometimes.
Info
Do you include your mom in any plans with your boyfriend?
Your entire post is about how you spend time with your boyfriend and his mother. There is absolutely nothing about you spending time with your mother, seeing her by default because you live with her is not the same thing as purposefully making plans and spending time with her. Also that comment about her not being alone because your dad is alive is weird to me, as if she has no right to feel lonely because her husband isn’t dead.
You are 24, mom needs to let you live your life. If her jealousy is bothering her so much, she needs some therapy.
Do not be held hostage by your mom.
I mean – if you do decide to pursue a life together with your BF, both of your parents *should be* second best to your partner. That’s the whole goal of having kids: for them to grow up, become independent, and eventually leave. It sounds like your mom is having a hard time with the ‘leaving’ part, and is picking a fight with what she sees as the cause (your bf and by extension, his mom).
I don’t have any suggestions for how to get your mom to talk about it like a grown up, though – she seems to be stuck pouting instead of communicating.
Does your partner spend time with your mother? Bring her a small gift, or sit and talk with her for a few minutes before you all go out?
That would be the way to handle it.
So my husband is extremely introverted. When we were dating, I used to invite him to things all the time. He would decline, and explain that it was just too much socializing for him. I get it. So I stopped inviting him to things.
Some time later (maybe a year or so) I asked him to an event that I thought he would really like. He said that I didn’t really want him to go, because I had stopped asking him to go places. I am not introverted and was totally shocked. I explained that he always declines any invite, and now I only invite him to things that I think he would like, and would go to.
He explained that he felt that me not asking him to things felt like I didn’t want t him to come. He went on to explain that while he might decline the invite, he would always like to be invited.
An example: I take my grown kids to Disney World about once every 3 years or so. I ask him to go. He hates the heat and crowds. I’m 95% sure he would decline. I ask anyway. Also, the kids are from my ex-husband. My husband and I have no kids together.
I know that being in a rental with me, two 30 year old women, and two dogs is a lot for him, so I offer an alternative living situation, just in case he wants to go. He declined. I’m not upset. He gets nine days to recharge his batteries, and I get 9 days with my girls and their fur babies.
All this to say that your mom may decline to go to a place, it it’s the invite that matters, and she just might surprise you by going because she wants to spend time with you, even though it might not be something that she’d normally choose to do.
I’d ask your mom, even if you think she’ll say no.
Your mom is feeling like you are neglecting her. You are seldom home and don’t do anything with her. Jealous. Maybe try to do things with your mom once in a while.
It really does sound like your mom is jealous. It also sounds more like she has a perception of what’s going on versus what actually is going on. I would counter with her, does she invite your boyfriend to family events at the house? Because if she’s not inviting your boyfriend and then getting mad because your mother-in-law is inviting you that seems like a double standard
I’m quite a bit older, but in the beginning of my relationship with my husband I had a very similar issue. My mother was very jealous of my mother-in-law. A lot of it was my mom‘s perception of my mother-in-law‘s life. My mother-in-law is literally everything that my mom wanted to be then, stylish, popular, large family. She’s close to, and she was a widow who was financially stable. My mother-in-law has a sister who has a beach house so we would get to go for a free week at the beach with my mother-in-law because my husband‘s family is so large. We went to a lot of family events. We were never excluding my mom, but it’s not her family. It would be weird for me to invite her to family events for a family. She’s not really part of. She had this perception that I was closer to my mother-in-law than I was to her. Mind you during this time, my mom, divorced my dad and started dating. She would never have time for me to do things, but expected me to drop everything if she wanted to do something. The only way for me to resolve it was to downplay how much time I was spending with my mother-in-law. I pretty much never talk about anything that goes on with that side of the family to my mom. My mom is a covert narcissist so really information diet is the only way to deal with her.
Your mom is acting like a child. You are an adult and it is natural to not spend as much time with your parents. You have your own life, a job, friends and a bf. Sounds like mom wants to keep you a child, under her control.
I would ignore her whining and go about my life the way I choose. She is an adult. If she is feeling jealous or possessive, those are her emotions to deal with, and in no way your responsibility to massage.
Your mom is acting like a child. Ignoring you for three days. She’s probably like this over the smallest things. No wonder you don’t want to spend time with her.
And you’re an adult. Does she really think an adult should be spending all her time with her parents?
I think it’s time to move out.
Your grandad passed away 2.5 years ago?
Does your Mom have a job? Because most parents expect 24 year olds to rarely be home.