I’m 22 but my mother has a scary temper. When I was a kid, she’d hit me with a belt/slippers or lock me in my room as punishment. If I cried, she’d hit me more until I stopped. Even as an adult, she screams at me if I cry and tells me that I need to stop. The last time she put her hands on me was when I was 15. I woke up with a “bad attitude” and she slammed me against the wall and started strangling me. I was in a bad mood because I was fucking 15 and it was 6am and I had an AP exam at 7 am lmfao.
Anyways, she has a crazy temper as I’ve already mentioned. My brother is barely passing one of his classes and is failing another. He is low-functioning and has some undiagnosed learning disabilities. Anyway, he had a 74% in a class and know it’s a 69.58% and my mum lost her mind and called me from my room to take a look.
I didn’t care honestly, he could easily pick it up as he had an essay worth 1/3 of the grade left, and he did okay on the second essay (he didn’t do the first one so that’s why his grade is low). Personally I think he can pick it up. About his other class… he has a 45% which is harder to pick up… BUT, the professor is really kind an allowed him to retake an exam he missed. Obviously it might be pushing the professor’s goodwill, but I’m gonna help my brother ask if he could re-do some of the discussion he missed (these discussion were before the first exam he missed so hoping for some more leniency).
But my mum was really pissed off. Her face contorted and she threatened my brother. I jumped back in fear, because it’s the same reaction she had when she was about to beat the living crap out of me when I was younger. This happens frequently. When she reacts in a way that makes me anxious and says, “Why are you scared? You have no reason to be scared.” She’s right, in a sense. I’m way taller and stronger than her, but whenever she’s angry I feel myself shrink.
However, she always adds, “I am the one who sacrificed everything for you, you have no reason to be afraid.” I mean I am grateful that I am going to a good college, etc. But at the same time…. I pay my rent, I pay groceries, and I got a scholarship for school. I go to work, too. I don’t have to worry about dying from malaria anymore. But I was just a kid when we moved and she did all that. How else am I supposed to repay her?
She also does this whenever she comes into my room to interrogate me. It’s shit like, “Why do you like anime so much?” And I get nervous because the fifth time we had this same exact conversation it ended with her throwing my shit around my room.
Other than that, I grew up so sheltered. No friends, no social life. All I know is family. I’m scared of my own shadow FFS. I can’t even attend any of my lectures in-person because I’m just scared and anxious all the time. I don’t fucking know.
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I’m so sorry this is happening to you.
Your mom is super abusive.
In a seriously dysfunctional family, OP, only one person is ever allowed to express their feelings. Everyone else is expected to mold their existence around that one person’s needs and mood.
So, my mom is dead, and it’s one of the best things to ever happen to me. If you have access to therapy, get it. See if you can help your brother do the same. Things like what your mother does will color the rest of your life if you let it.
Yes, your mom sacrificed for you. That is a choice she made by having kids. You do not owe her for the privilege of being on this planet. You are more than a fertility trophy.
It is hard to peel yourself away from the thoughts of a parent who is so destructive, but it is wonderful. If you think it would help start small. Maybe with anime. Liking anime is morally neutral. There is nothing wrong with liking it. There is nothing wrong with liking it a lot. You could be spending that money on heroin and hookers. Make yourself believe it is ok to like what you like.
When you and your brother are able to get out, do it..
I wish you well
Jesus Christ, your mother is super abusive.
I was put in a chokehold by my dad once, and that traumatized me for life. I still have Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD). Your mom actively tried to strangle you, which is even worse.
Given your background, your “fear” is really just a natural reaction to the threat your mother poses. Your reaction is deeply ingrained from a young age.
Is there any way you can move out and live on your own or with someone else? Living with your mother is very unhealthy, so the sooner you can move out the better.
On the good side, the more you interact with people outside your family, the more you will realize that most people are pretty nice and aren’t dangerous. So things will get easier once you get away from your abusive mother.
I’m really sorry your mother is so abusive. You deserve love, kindness and respect.
Take care.
Children do not owe anything to a parent that brought them into the world. Parents owe EVERYTHING to their children. They brought that life into existence. A parent is SUPPOSED to shelter, feed, guide, and sacrifice for their child. It is what a parent does. It should never be rubbed in the face of the child who depends on them.
Not to mention, physically beating your child should never ever be used as a lesson. All it teaches is fear, which your mother did. She is confused but you learned the exact lesson her actions taught; to fear her. To not see her as a light of wisdom, comfort, and compassion but a fire that hurts, smothers, and destroys.
She lost her chance to be your campfire and in her rage she became your wildfire.
You need to get out of that house and away from your psycho mother. Do not let her gaslight you or manipulate you. Sounds like she is a classic narcissist. Get away from her.
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(Tl;dr…cant help, sorry but I do commiserate)
I’m m so sorry. I can identify with this to some extent. I’m in my sixties and I still get anxious and tense at other people’s anger. It doesn’t even have to be with me. I just grew up with parents who fought loudly and would then somehow turn it on me and I’d end up getting literally belted.
So all my life I’ve been terrified of other people’s anger. Of course it’s worse when it’s directed at me, but in some ways that’s been easier because hopefully I get an adrenaline rush and can argue back.
All this to say I really wish I had had therapy when I first moved out, so I’d recommend you get it asap. I’ve wasted a lot of opportunities and lost some friendships because of it, as well as being an excessive people pleaser. Work on your coping skills, maybe with a counsellor at uni if that’s free.
People like our parents will never see or admit that we have cause to be frightened, or go NC, etc. I would bet real money your mother grew up in a violent, abusive home, and thinks she’s doing well because she doesn’t entirely act like her parents.
In my case, it was considered a good thing that I was never belted where it showed in normal clothes. That was because my mother had been belted on her calves and the kids at school teased her. So my parents thought they were admirable that they belted where it didn’t show.
All I can do is recommend that you start getting ready to move out. Save money if you can, but not where your mother will know about it or can get to it. Get notarised copies, or the originals, of important documents like your SS and birth certificate. If you can, advise and help your brother do the same.
DO you have friends from college you could crash with if you have to leave in a hurry? Or who could start storing or minding important things for you?
Make getting yourself out, safe and sane, your priority. I gather you’re carrying rather a lot of responsibility for your brother, and whilst that’s admirable, it may hold you back. Start thinking whether you’d be better off just getting yourself out and then helping him, or if you want to get you both out.
Is there any part time job you can get? Use the excuse that you want to cover college expenses besides your tuition, like text books or travel expenses. Maybe start saying you are going to study groups, and that they involve expenses. I don’t know how big your town and uni are, but if your mother objects to that maybe invent that one of your fellow students has ties in your mother’s social circle (like, her boss’s niece, or the church lady’s neighbour) Public approval means a lot to people like your mother.
I really regret there’s no magic phrase that will help you. Just reassure yourself that your reactions are not wrong. They’re a learned reflex reaction and are justified. Also keep reminding yourself you cannot change your mother, so it’s best not to engage in conflict with her. As I said, have the goal of being safe and sane when you can eventually leave.
HUGS
please do whatever you need to to move out as soon as possible. Don’t even tell her. Just do it. Make sure you secure your birth certificate, i.d. and other important documents and sentimental items prior to her finding out. Work additional shifts, be frugal. Then seek out a therapist.
This… is not on you. None of this is on you.
Being afraid of your mom is a rational response. Your mom is dangerous and scary. When she says the thing about you having no reason to be scared—that isn’t because she actually believes it’s true. It’s how she lets you know what she wants you to perform. What she’s actually communicating is: “I don’t like what your behavior accurately reflects about who I am. I want you to pretend you aren’t afraid of me—so that I don’t have to confront the reality of what kind of parent I actually am.”
I’m glad you’ve had the successes that you have. I hope you have many more. And: those don’t belong to your mom; they’re yours. When people decide to have kids, they are making a commitment to meet their needs. It’s not a commitment between them and their kids; it’s not something you owe them for—you didn’t exist, yet, to be a party to that decision, at all! She decided to become a parent. She therefore owed it to you to be a good parent.
For what it’s worth? I’m glad you had that reaction to your mom. I know it drew her focus from her brother to you, and then you had to deal with that, which I’m not happy about. And: it sounds like it held enough of a mirror up to what she was doing, to slow her down a little bit. No one ended up being choked against the wall, this time, you feel me?
I don’t say that to give you the impression that it’s somehow your job to get your mom to act right; it isn’t. But I think it’s important because—she is doing her damnedest to make you believe you’ve done something wrong; that you have somehow hurt her by accurately perceiving that she’s a threat. And I think it’s important to clarify that what you actually did was respond protectively—in a way that was, in fact, protective, for you and your brother, compared with how you’ve seen this go in the past.
You were right. You were in the right. Your reaction was right.
I hope you (and your brother) can live somewhere safer, soon—and if you see an opportunity to do that, I’d strongly encourage you to take it.
NTA, IM so sorry your mother has forever imposed such heartache and fear, I suggest you go on a site like Meetup that has different groups. You could attend a crochet class (or whatever you like) with maybe 5 or 10 other crochet nerds. Any socializing would help you get ready to explore life without violence. If you aren ffamiliar with Meetup take a look, there will be a group that is close to your home. Please be careful, maybe stick to female groups to start
Such violence isn’t common choose a nerdy group and be sincere. You will be gaining friends and support. You aren’t wrong, you are a victim and she the bad one here.You won’t be able to fix her, and don’t feel as if it’s your responsibility. You should concentrate on you and I’m excited for your future and the happiness you will find in friends and mates.
Best of luck, let people be themselves without judgment, and you will get the same.
Don’t be afraid, celebrate…you got this
You don’t owe her anything, in fact, she brought you here and was responsible to provide you with everything you needed to thrive. She didn’t, she failed to provide you proper care for your emotional needs. She owes YOU, and you’re never going to be repaid that debt. She is too far gone to understand that she is wrong.
The last time my mom hit me I was 28 years old, and I finally realized I was bigger than her. She didn’t seem to think I’d that i would ever hit her back.
Your mom has nothing and no one other than you and your brother and she appreciates not one bit of your existences. She resents you both it seems.
I’m so sorry.
If you have a local ymca… go there. Stay there until it’s closed. Then go grocery shopping. Then go home.
I send you mom hugs from the internet.
You have a choice:
To make a plan of escape, or to stay and be your mother’s punching bag for the foreseeable future.
Why haven’t you cut her off
Gaslighting. “I never did that!” “you have no right to feel that way!”
Tell her that you are not afraid of the tuition payments, but of the violence and the screaming.
Her sacrifices exist in addition to the abuse. One does not subtract from the other.
Tell her that she could consider being less offended, and instead more ashamed that she has become someone her children fear.
A parent is just a person, and sometimes must be spoken to like one.
No wonder your brother has trouble studying, he’s in survival mode.
I wonder if a battered women’s shelter would take you in for a while. Youve definitely been battered and need an escape. Even if they can’t take you in, they can hook you up with social services to help you find resources. Putting yourself in a safe place means you can help your brother later. If he’s underage, and you take him in,you could maybe get support for him from the state.
That whole “after all I’ve done for you” while also abusing you is the classic mark of a narcissist.
Your mother did the bare minimum and thinks she is a good parent. It was literally her job to make sure that her offspring stay alive and thrive. Nobody can thrive when they are afraid of the person who is supposed to protect them, and then gets told they have no reason to be afraid. You are not required to repay her for what a parent is SUPPOSED to do. It’s not your fault that she is so abusive OP, she clearly has issues but it’s not your job to manage that or to reassure her.
Also, what you’re describing as growing up sheltered sounds more like being isolated from a normal, healthy support system, where you can access help if something isn’t right. It doesn’t sound like you had the opportunity to see and meet people outside of your immediate family and get an idea of what a normal parent-child relationship might look like?
Please consider getting away from her and her reign of terror – I’m willing to bet that once you are somewhere peaceful where you don’t need to walk on eggshells all the time, a lot of your anxiety will dissipate as well, and then get yourself into therapy with someone who is trauma informed to unpack and hopefully process what sounds like years of emotional, psychological and physical abuse.
I’m very sorry that you had to endure this OP, know that it’s NOT ok and you didn’t do anything to deserve that.