My niece came to me tonight confiding in me that she’s been self harming and is trans. She is not comfortable telling her mother because she’s transphobic and scared of her reaction. I told her I wouldn’t tell her which I don’t plan on telling her about her being trans but I am worried about the self harm and conflicted what to do. She told me she’s stopping and from what I can tell the cuts aren’t deep or life threatening and she said she’s been cleaning them as well. You may think the answer is obvious but I think my sister would just lash out at her and not get her help. What should I do?
My niece (12f) admitted to me she’s trans and self harming
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Stay close to niece, do some research for her. Maybe find some support networks and be her guardian through the process of engaging with them.
Talk to your niece and make a plan for you both to when she is ready let your sister know. Present a unified front. Make it clear no matter what her mother does, IF it’s necessary (not just because they have a typical mother daughter fight) she is always welcome and safe in your home.
She clearly trusts you a lot. Maybe look into professional help that maintains confidentiality. A therapist could really help her navigate through her struggles. It’s crucial she gets the support she needs. Also, there are many trans support lines she can reach out to, might be worth exploring.
It’s a really delicate position. Her safety is the priority, because even small self-harm can signal serious emotional distress. You can support her by listening, staying calm, and validating her feelings, while gently encouraging her to get help from someone trained, like a school counselor or therapist. Respecting her wish to keep her trans identity private is important, but if there’s ever a real risk she might seriously hurt herself, you have to act immediately, even if it means involving an adult she’s afraid of
Damn, that’s a tough pickle to find urself in man. But major props for being a safe space for your niece… She needs that now more than anything. And yeah, revealing her secret may lead to big drama, NGL, but the self harm thing… that’s no joke. You gotta get her some help. Professional. Not gonna say go against her trust, but maybe find a way around it. It’s delicate territory, dude, don’t tread lightly because, TBH, her life could be at stake. So stay strong, be there, talk her through this, get her the right help. It’s gonna be hard, but you got this. Sending mad strength your way bro.
She’s obviously suffering with body dismorphia do not add to this by validating it, statistically more than half that do undergo the transition regret it. I don’t know what to tell you other than lend an ear and try to help her through all of this, she’s far too young to be making any decisons(consent wise) tell her to remain strong til she is 18 or 19 and then reassess. If there are suicidal issues that is a legal issue itself, that’s something else you have to report.
Prioritize the self-harm. Her safety is non-negotiable. Find an LGBTQ+-friendly therapist NOW. They are mandated reporters but can help you navigate this confidentially. 2. You are her lifeline. Your job is to be the stable, safe adult. Do not break her trust. 3. Arm yourself with resources (The Trevor Project, Trans Lifeline) and give them to HER. 4. Do not tell your sister without a concrete safety plan for your niece. You’re right, it could backfire catastrophically.
Can your niece spend some time at yours? It would be comforting to know she has a safe space she can escape to
The rule is: always tell the parent unless the parent is abusive. Your sister is abusive so it is not safe to tell her. But you do need to make sure your niece is safe.
Make sure that she understands that if she need to, you will always provide a place for her to stay. I think knowing that being yourself could probably end up by being thrown out of your home and losing your parents, is one of the most stressful things. As a preteen, they must terrified.
See if there’s any LGBT+ youth groups in the area / online that that can provide support. Unfortunately depending on where you live, it could be really bad for your nibling if they ‘come out’. Help them make informed choices and support on any way you can.
My niece was doing the same thing. What’s her moods like? Self harming can be related to a more serious psychological issue. After 6 years of my niece going through hell, she was finally diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Her moods were crazy, to say the least.
Find an alternative to self harm. Ask him what he’s getting out of the self harm.
As for being Trans – your niece is 12, that’s plenty of time to warm up your sister to bi people and lesbians in subtle ways.
Can he potentially feel safer in a 4 to five years time with your sister?
Lesbians might be easier for her to not lash out about if it’s something you introduce without more than subtle things
If he can’t be Trans with her, try for tomboy lesbian by the time real dating rolls around.
As for what you can do. Look up Transmasc groups in your area on Facebook and join some. Maybe get to know some Trans men online and share your reason for joining. Eventually to reduce the self harm your nephew is going to need positive trans role models
A ebook reader can be filled with books a smart device with podcasts. Ask local Trans men for content he could enjoy that is age appropriate.
I went to a synagogue where the Rabbi was married to a Trans man. The best trans role models as an outsider, i would think are just people doing stuff who happen to be Trans
If you want to speak with a religious leader about transgenderism and religion Kol Tzedek Philadelphia is the congregation. People of all faiths attend their services, some held in churches.
Don’t think for a moment that Judaism is so different from Catholics that there is not a tremendous amount to learn there. It isn’t about scripture in detail it’s about the dogmatic positions of gender roles
When I was 12 I played with Lego and pokemon.
Wtf these kids doing now?