My 12 yo niece was diagnosed with blood cancer six months ago. She’s undergone chemotherapy, went blind from the treatment, and is just not having a good time. Under normal circumstances, I would be there for her. I feel awful.
She did nothing wrong. You see, she’s my brother’s child. My brother is a deadbeat so she doesn’t live with him (parents not together). He’s completely irrelevant to this story. She lives with her mom, we’ll call her Heather.
A year ago Heather and her boyfriend (call him Creepyrapist) went to Target with my GF. Long story short, Creepyrapist sexually assaulted my GF in the car and Heather did nothing about it and laughed about it. They both told my GF not to call the police.
I confronted Creepyrapist about it, got into a fist fight with him, and he ran in his house to grab a weapon. It makes my blood boil that this inbred had the nerve to do something like this and now doesn’t want to stand his ground without a weapon.
But nonetheless, police were called, nothing was done to due to lack of evidence, and three months later Heather’s daughter (my niece) was diagnosed with cancer.
I feel bad for her I really do. I don’t want my niece to die. I care about her enough to say this and I know it wasn’t her fault.
But I don’t want anything to do with these people. My family judges me and says “how could you not be there for your own niece”?
Why tf would I support someone’s daughter when that same person laughed while my GF got assaulted. And stayed with the piece of trash who did it.
It’s especially annoying that the same family members that say this didn’t give a shit when my GF got SA’d. Do you realize the lifelong trauma that can cause a person to have? I hate my family.
Fuck these weirdos. Anyone who shrugs off sexual assault probably is a rapist themselves.
Comments
SA should never be minimized or shrugged off. With that being said, why should your niece have to go without support while she’s dying because her mom lacks character? Doesn’t sound fair. It’s a child that can’t control who their parents are…
I hear your pain, and you’re right to be furious at what Heather and her boyfriend did.. it’s disgusting and inexcusable. But please don’t let their vile actions punish your niece. What if she has also been a victim of this man? She deserves love, support, and protection more than anyone. She’s only 12, she’s fighting for her life, and she’s already lost so much her health, her sight, her childhood. Cancer is a cruel illness; it tears apart the body, mind, and spirit.
Your visit could mean everything to her. Even one beautiful moment of feeling loved and not abandoned can completely change how she experiences this part of her life. I regret not being there for my younger sibling when they had stage 4 cancer, and it still haunts me. Don’t let their mistakes rob you of the chance to give your niece peace, comfort, and dignity while she’s still here. She didn’t choose her parents’ or Heather’s partner’s actions. She’s innocent, and she needs you now more than ever.
I pray you’ll have it in your heart to channel all of your fury’s & indignation’s energy into fiercely loving your niece while she’s young, terrified, & suffering in every way imaginable & on levels many of us will never know.
If the answer to the question, “Would you go see her if you could do so without having to deal with Heather and CR?” is yes then you need to try.
You have options:
Go directly to the hospital. Hopefully she will let you in. If no one else is in the room then you are fine. If they are, ask if you can have some time with her alone.
If your family is so deadset on you going to see her then put them to work arranging a time for you to see her alone.
Call Heather and tell her straight out that you would like to see your niece alone. That will be the hardest way but ultimately the most satisfying.
One thought is to bring an ESA with you but I’m not sure how that works. But petting a happy puppy goes a long way toward anyone feeling better.
Decide what you are going to decide, but do not let two despicable human beings stand in the way of showing your love to someone of your same blood who is undergoing the most torturous cure we have for any ailment.
Also keep in mind that while sick and blind she has to put up with Heather and CR. If she can do it, you can too.
If you can, go. She needs you and you need her, even if you don’t see that yet.
Ideally, you should not have to break NC with H and C. Remember that a large part of your distress is coming from the family guilting you. Also, you don’t know if H has poisoned your niece’s mind against you so your visit may backfire.
Once you’ve figured out why and how strongly you want to go, first try and see if you can visit her when they’re preoccupied or distracted. Ask those family members who are guilting you to put their money where their mouth is and buy you an hour or so. Think of a relevant gift – something she can hear/touch. Once you’ve got the first visit out of the way, you’ll find it easier to consider the path ahead.
If there’s a bleak prognosis and you’re worried it might be your only chance, then just muscle through it – and even if they make it difficult for you, make sure she knows you came. That matters more than anything, really.
“why tf would I support someone’s daughter when that same person laughed while my GF got assaulted”
this is about your niece not her mom. you should support her because she deserves it regardless of her mom being a shitty person. this sounds like a decision you made to get revenge rather than one you made with consideration for your niece. once she’s gone you can’t make amends for that
If you don’t see your niece before she dies, you’ll probably regret that for the rest of your life. And she’ll for sure feel the absence, only her disappointment will pass with her. It will be a mistake you can’t change, something you’ll have to live with for, hopefully, a long life ahead.
There is no excuse for his or Heather’s actions. But you need to see your niece. Most importantly for her but also for you. So first request parameters (ex – he not be there) but don’t expect them to adhere to them. Then say your goodbyes and leave knowing you showed up but you won’t have to see them again.
I completely understand why you feel upset with Heather and her BF. I also think that you’re punishing the niece for things she didn’t do and has no control over. I think the best thing to do is see your niece under the condition that it’s alone, with no one else there. This is about your niece dying, not about what Heather’s BF did, even though you have a right to be angry about that, this ISN’T about that.
It’s a tough situation.
Ask yourself what you can live with.
Can you live with not giving your 12yo niece the support as she dies?
Can you live with possibly having to be in the same house/room as them while you speak to her, hold her hand, etc.
I’m not you, but i know what my answers would be.
Now, if you do, go. Set your boundaries, you are not their to talk to them, to make up, hug, handshake, etc, and after it goes back to being no contact with them. Based on how little they seem to care about what they did to your gf, I’d add a few more people to the list.
As for the family, who asks, “How can you not be there for your neice?” Have you ever asked they could be ok with what they did to your girlfriend? Why aren’t they outraged that sister let him do it (from what i read, she was there when it happened). She stayed with an abuser and had him under the same roof as a child? I’m curious about their justification.
I think you need to suck it up and go see your niece. She’s facing death and she’s no doubt scared. It would be nice to know someone cares about her.
You got the rest of your life to avoid those other people. She might not.
Your niece dying has nothing to do with who her “parents” are. Stand up and support her be the better person would be what I would do. You never have to see either of them again once she’s gone but don’t miss out on being her uncle for the time she has left. I mean do whatever feels right for you but I don’t think you’ll regret being there for a little girl who had nothing to do with your gfs situation but you might regret not being there after it’s too late.
The dying child who has recently gone blind matters more than your feelings.
You wouldn’t be supporting someone’s daughter. You would be supporting a little girl who is dying.
If Heather didn’t give a toss about sexual assault, she sure as hell doesn’t give a toss whether you see her daughter or not. Your revenge or point of principal just falls on deaf ears; not only does she not care, she has probably barely noticed.
So what is the point of withholding your love from a little girl to make a point to an adult who just doesn’t care?
If you just can’t be arsed to go, or just don’t want to deal with a dying child, then fine- at least be up front with yourself about your reasons.
But don’t pretend that avoiding your niece is about some higher principal around the mother. That’s bullshit
I think you need to sit back and ask yourself some questions. Forget about her pos parents for a second. Just think about you and her.
If it’s going to hurt you worse than you think it will help stand your ground and stay away.
If you think you’ll regret it if you don’t then find a way to do it without them. Get your family to help if you need to. Tell them that you’ll agree to go only if those two aren’t there. Make it clear if you see them you’ll walk away.
You could also just have gifts sent to her room from you. A bear or a toy or something from the hospital gift shop. You don’t even have to go in you can usually just call with a credit card and ask for whatever you want. You’ll need her name and room number but you can even tell them what to put on the card so she’ll know it’s from you.
And personally, if I were you after this is all over I’d consider going NC with all of them.
This is a really hard situation for you. That side of your family sound disgusting.
It’s up to you whether you go and visit. If visiting is going to cause problems, it’s not fair on the niece. At the same time, I used to be a children’s nurse and there was one girl who had no mother and her only visitor was her deadbeat dad. This girl, really, had no one but us nurses. We poured so much love into her but nothing is the same kind of love as family. It sounds like you have a good heart and good intentions. Is there a way for you to visit your niece without them around? I’ve been sexually assaulted and it really messes you up, you clearly love good as you’re feeling this for your partner. You aren’t a bad person for not visiting. It’s a seriously shit situation.
Your niece needs all the love she can get right now and if you can’t do that in person, make sure you think of her as much as you can, which I’m sure you already do.
She is not her parents. Go see her.
Is there not a way you could at least visit your niece a couple of times without Heather or her POS boyfriend around?
Go for your niece. And for yourself.
One day it will hit you and you’ll have a hard time forgiving yourself.
She is 12. Go see her. It’s not about the adults.
Sounds like you do want to see her, but her mom is trash. This is complicated, but if you care for the child, then support the child. She’s suffering enough without also being a victim of stupid adult bullshit too
Go see her, if she dies you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.
What your gf suffered was traumatic and will take therapy and time to deal with.
Your niece doesn’t have time on her side. If she is in hospital then you may be able to see her there at a time when other family members are not present. If she is being cared for at home then contact your parents and see if there is a time when they are perhaps caring for her and Heather and nameless deadbeat are not there.
Your niece is going through hell. If you can soften that ride just a little bit then you should. When she passes (if she does) then your contact with that family ceases with her. Please try to reach out to her just now, though. I can’t imagine your pain, but nor can I imagine hers.
Your gf and niece are both innocent victims of different horrors.
Your niece is innocent. She didn’t choose her parents or other relatives.
I would be there more for her now. If your brother is a deadbeat, absent father, and her mother is with a creep, she needs someone watching over her. Closely. She is extremely vulnerable right now.
Paste on a neutral RBF, go hold that little girl’s hand, ask if she needs anything and if she is safe, and be there for her. When the day comes that she takes her final breath, you mourn her. Go to her funeral. Tell everyone why she was amazing. Memorize the location of her final resting place. Visit once in a while.
Then, pretend her parents no longer exist. Block numbers. Ban them from your home. Whatever makes you feel better.
But you don’t punish her for their bad behavior. She old enough to know if they are awful people. Don’t let her think you are, too.
You have to go, your niece has a deadbeat dad and possibly a shitty mother. I understand how you feel, but your niece doesn’t deserve more selfish relatives. She needs kindness, love and support. Going to see her is for her-and you. Be the person that puts her first.
Go and say your piece. Don’t let the ogre win. YOUR NEICE IS DYING and it’s now or live with regrets forever.
So my aunt did what you did, avoided me due to my dad. And man, I am still fucked up over it now that’s she’s dead. I wanted to ask my aunt’s friends why. Why did she avoid me and only saw me 3 times in 20 years, what did I do? My dad’s wife is a terrible, racist human being, and I know she’s a big reason my aunt stayed away.
But I felt like I was punished because of the sins of my dad and his wife. And I still have no answers to know.
Please don’t punish your niece, she will notice.
It’s okay to protect yourself, you dont owe anyone your presence, even if it’s your niece.
Why should your niece be punished for something her mother (and mother’s gross bf) did? Go to the hospital, see your niece.
What happened to your girlfriend shouldn’t just be passed by, but that issue is with your family and again your niece had nothing to do with that either. I think that since you care about your niece, if you don’t go and see her, you will later regret it. I recently lost my dad, and all I know is that I would never forgive myself had I not been able to say goodbye or let him know how much he meant to me.
Also, remember that your niece didn’t choose her parents. Going through what she is at her age would be incredibly hard and I’m sure scary. I bet it would mean the world to her if you went and saw her. You can go and see her when none of them are there, or avoid going in if you know any of your family are there. There are ways to see her without seeing them.
I just think it would be something you would regret later if you don’t. You aren’t doing it for them, you are doing it for your niece. Good luck with whatever you decide.
Do not EVER let someone suffer on behalf of your beef with someone else. This poor child has little to no time left and you being her uncle should be there for her. No one here supports or approves what happened to your GF, but this child needs to be surrounded with love and support in her final days. Work something out with the hospital staff and the mother to see if you and your GF can have alone time with her in the room.
Look the mother‘s boyfriend needs to be held accountable. But your niece did absolutely nothing wrong. None of this is her fault. Do not take it out on her. If you are close to your niece and she is dying, what do you think is going through her mind with you not coming to be there to support her. Put aside what happened and go be there to support your niece.
So you care about her enough to let her die without knowing you care because of something she didn’t do? Yup sounds perfectly logical. 🙄 I hope she finds more deserving and loving people in her next life poor girl.
I would go and when she eventually dies you don’t ah e to have anything to do with those people again. It’s not the child’s fault her parents are not nice people
I have the reverse situation.
My uncle (57m) was diagnosed with oesophageal cancer before Christmas last year. He’s since got the all-clear.
Needless to say that he is the biggest misogynistic twatwaffle I’ve ever known, and has been that way, even through his treatment to myself, and various members of my family, including my mam. I have an ovarian cyst and suspected endometriosis and all he seems to care about is when I’m going to conceive, and that at 35, I should “hurry up by 40”
His daughter is no better – just as toxic, insular and ignorant as him. But of course, we’re all expected to be loyal to our family members.
Honestly, if it was my uncle, I’d have said “rest in piss”. I still maintain that. But I would say – this is different. Your niece is still a child. It’s the mother that should rest in piss.
Why would you support someone’s daughter who behaved so horribly? Because they aren’t the same person.
You’re punishing your niece for what her mom did. The poor girl is dying. Put your big boy pants on and go. You will not regret doing the right thing ever. Doing the wrong thing would be letting this girl die and not seeing her and you will have to live with that forever
My story is a bit different than yours, but I had the same dilemma. I’m just going to explain my story, what I did and how I feel about it now.
As a kid, my auntie abused me. Her abuse was really specific and fucked up, so I’m not going into details because if anyone from my life who knows what she did reads this, they’ll know it’s me.
Anyway, everyone in my family knows this happened. My auntie literally BRAGGED about what she did to me when she drunk. Everyone in my family was outraged and cast her aside…for about a week. Then it was forgotten and even though me and my parents didn’t see or speak to her for over 20 years, everyone else went on as normal. (just for anyone wondering, I did report her to the police, but they said there was no evidence and the multiple people who heard her bragging and admit what she did said they didn’t want to speak to the police. No punishment for her or justice for me.)
Fast forward 15 years, my grandad is dying. He’s been in hospital for months, and the doctors have said he has a couple of days at the most and anyone who wants to say goodbye should do it now). I made arrangements to go to the hospital, I was halfway there when a cousin called me to tell me my auntie, her husband and her three children (who are all now grown and fully support her) are there. I got out of the car and walked home. My grandad died that night. I never got to see him. I also didn’t attend his funeral, because they would all be there and I didn’t want to see my auntie and I was scared her kids would try and start trouble with me at a day that was for celebrating my grandad’s life.)
It’s been 5 years since he died, and I’d say I think about the fact I never went to see him at least once a week. It was easy to make that choice at the time, and it made me feel better then knowing I didn’t have to face my abuser or her family, but it meant that I never got to say goodbye to someone who I loved and cared about. If I could go back in time, I’d march to that hospital and have my time with him regardless of who was there and what they said to me. I would have kept my mouth shut, and blanked everyone who wasn’t my grandad.
Whatever you choose to do, remember that it’s a choice you will have to live with. Good luck OP, and I’m thinking good thoughts for your niece <3
This is about as awful as it gets but A you need some serious help dealing with these emotions and B: your dying niece didn’t do any of this to you. This isn’t about you and it ain’t about them. It’s about her. And you’re punishing a dying little girl because of her mom.
But it’s your life to live.
She’s a kid. If anything, I would ask why she has to answer for what her guardians did. I dealt with that all growing up and it’s wrong. It never gets better. She will never have a chance for it to get better considering how close to death she is.
She is going to die, and you will never see her again. Set firm boundaries that boyfriend is not to be in the room when you are there, and visit your niece. She deserves that comfort.
So- you’re not going to see your niece who is dying because you hate her parents? You claim to “love” her? This is a test of the love you claim to have. If you don’t see her before she dies? You are cut from the same cloth as the people you hate. Your niece deserves better than you if you are prepared to leave her in the dark alone without even a visit from you – however justified your reasons.
Go. See. Her.
The fact that you keep repeating that you know terminal cancer isn’t a 12 year olds fault is fucking weird.
Did the 12 year old child assault your girlfriend? Did it stand by and do nothing while the assault happened?
Why do your parents expect you to care more about your niece than her deadbeat father? How close were you to the niece? Can you visit with your parents and have it just be y’all? Imma be honest I see where you’re coming from, yeah you want to support your niece going through cancer, but atp would heather let you come? She’s already shown she doesn’t particularly care for you (at the very least cares more about her boyfriend)
I might be reading too far into this, but could he also be doing something to your niece? Your sister brushed it off and doesn’t care it happened to your gf. He obviously isn’t above sa. Could your niece be a victim on top of having cancer?
That child is more important that the evil CR and enabler sister. Put them out of your mind and do what’s right by your very INNOCENT niece. Otherwise not only will you be the asshole but worse you’ll have to live with the fact that you let that baby down in her last moments, that you let the CR be more important then being there for her in her last breaths.
I totally understand. I have nieces and nephews that I might not go see if they get sick because of their parents. On principle. You can’t speak to me a certain way and expect that I’ll play ball later. That means I won’t even play with your kids again especially if your problem is about me playing with them.
It hasn’t been tested and as I type it I realize I should be a bigger person. But right now, I know I don’t want to.
I love em, I ask if they’re okay, but I can’t go see them. Not after what went down.
Your niece is your niece, she doesn’t deserve to get punished for the actions of others. And she needs your support. Give it to her without interacting with the bad people.
I don’t this it’s about shrugging anything off, but everything that happened has nothing to do with your niece. You taking your anger for them out on her isn’t the right move honestly.
So what does your niece got to do with whatever happened???