EDIT 1 = Some people asked why would he, and his wealthy family, want to see me. Honestly, I don’t know. Supposedly, my parents gave him a photo of me and he thought I was pretty.
Originally I thought I was okay with this, but now I’m not so sure. I was born in the US but my family come from Vietnam.
I [19F] am currently living at home with my parents. I’m not living in my own apartment because in my culture, living with your parents is the norm. I have never been in a relationship. My parents are pretty traditional and protective over me. I think it’s because I am their only child and daughter (my mom had another baby but miscarried before I was born). Despite that, my parents love me, and I know they have good intentions.
Recently, they brought up the idea of introducing me to their friend’s son. He [22M] just finished college, is very wealthy (mostly by his family), respectful, hardworking, attractive and supposedly kind. By the way, I’m not in college and I don’t plan on going (I work at a packaging plant). My parents want me to meet with him in a meeting (with our families involved) just to see if there’s a spark between us. They specifically want me (maybe us?) to get married one day. I met his family a few times (I honestly don’t remember when) and they said they liked me.
My friends think it’s weird, old fashioned and creepy that my parents are setting this up for me. I feel bad if I say no to them.
I also wanted to ask:
- Is it weird for your parents to set you up with someone?
- Has anyone been set up by their family and it ended up working out?
Comments
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It’s fine to meet him, but marriage is still YOUR choice alone. Don’t worry about their expectations. You are the one that has to live with the consequences, not THEM.
ETA: A couple of my female (SEA) co-workers are in arranged marriages.
One absolutely HATES her husband, but the other two are mostly OK with it.
Arranged marriages can work out well, if they’re actually arranged well based on shared values and goals between the couple. They can go horribly when the parents just go “this guy’s giving us the most money, so he’s the one!”
Have your parents done background checks on this guy? Will you be allowed to actually date and get to know one another before you have to decide if you want to get married?
If I’m reading this right it almost sounds more to me like your parents are trying to set you up with this guy, not force an arranged marriage. Similar to a friend saying “hey, I know this guy, went to school with his older sister, he’s a super great guy, you should meet him!”
If they’re pressuring you into marriage then ignore what I’m saying though.
I don’t want to disrespect your culture, but this isn’t something I understand.
So ,I have to ask,
Are you OK with your parents choosing you a potential husband?
Are you OK with saying yes ,if you like him, or no ,if he doesn’t appeal to you.
Will your parents be OK with it?
I’m guessing you want to marry at some point , and have kids?
Are you OK with sticking by your cultures rules ,now that you are in the US?Would you like the freedom to make your own choices?
To preface, this isn’t my culture, but I think it’s lovely that they’d introduce you. There’s no harm in meeting someone new. BUT, it would not be lovely if they pushed you. Only you know where that line is.
are your friends American? what cultures do they come from?
it can be a harmful practice, but it’s all about the details.
do your parents know the family well? do they know about his upbringing and his parents beliefs? are they making sure that you’re safe and that this family won’t become abusive? how close is your family with them?
can you date him for a bit to see if you even like him? will you be able to say no to getting married and face no punishment?
The devils in the details.
ik this is super common in southeast Asian and middle eastern cultures. and it is a way for the parents to make sure that their daughter is set up for a successful future and a happy marriage.
so i don’t think it’s weird. it’s only weird if they’re forcing you and you have no input.
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Respectful to just your parents? Has he been fed a story about expecting a traditional wife out of you?
If you meet him if be clear, open, and honest about what you would want your life to look like. He might want a stay at home wife while you want to study. 19 is very young to be deciding on a huge life choice.
As much as you love your parents this decision is ultimately yours. Don’t let a sense of obligation take it out of your hands.
It doesn’t hurt to meet him to see what you think. If you are interested you can date him and see how things go. However at nineteen you would benefit from some self assessments to set some goals for college and career. Maybe start at a community college? Take a guidance type course. It will make you more mature and increase your self efficacy. Plus you will meet others your age.
It’s weird for some, but a lot of cultures is the norm.
I think it’s just as weird to marry for love, in my country that’s what we do. It’s impossibly precarious. I mean what does that even mean? Sometimes you’re lucky, sometimes you’re not. I was lucky. My sister was not. 🤷 At least parents are more likely to start with the more practical expectations so all you have to worry about is the chemistry.
It sounds like they’re just setting you up on a date with hope and you have the freedom to say ‘no thank you’ at any time – nothing wrong or weird with that. Your friend is getting hung up on the ‘arranged marriage idea’ of barter and no courtship and no choice.
Go for it and have fun.
Remember meeting someone does not mean you have to marry him. I think it’s harmless to meet him and see if you are interested. Just remember it’s completely ok if you don’t like him or are not interested in dating him. The same goes for him.
I think it’s great to have an option. As long as you aren’t being forced, I think you should meet him!
It’s the same as meeting someone at a bar, just this time it will be easier with families.
Just go with your gut and insist on taking some time to get to know him. And good luck!
When would they be expecting a wedding to happen? It’s common in many cultures to have parents or friends introduce a young single person to someone they might like, but theres a huge difference between “I think you’d like this person I want you to meet them” and “you’re going to get married to this person you barely know”. I’d talk to them and make sure their expectations and thoughts about this arrangement match up well enough with yours before you meet him or anyone else they suggest.
I’m not from your culture, but if this were me I’d be fine with meeting the person, but only if the expectation is that if we hit it off then we keep meeting, start dating formally, and get married on our own timeline. If we don’t hit it off, or start dating and it doesn’t work out, then let him go and find someone else, or just be single for a while. I know that doesn’t necessarily match your parents’ expectations, and might also differ from this guy or his parents’ expectations. That’s why it’s important to know what your parents expectations are from this so you can make sure they’re supportive and on your side with this meeting and any future relationship, instead of them pressuring you to do something you don’t want to do.
Arranged marriages are fine as long as everyone is happy with the situation. Forced marriages are arranged but arranged marriages aren’t all forced. But tbh this seems like it could just be a blind date situation where they like the guy and hope you will like him too. Blind dates are common all over the world, although in many places blind dates set up by friends and family have morphed into “blind” dates set up by dating apps. It’s up to you to figure out what’s going on and if you want to meet this guy. It’s also totally fine to want to focus on being single and not try to meet anyone or get in any relationship at the moment, no matter how you meet them. Up to you!
Meeting up with the whole family is actually something I tell younger people I know if they are getting serious with someone.
I wish I had met my in-laws more than just a couple of brief interaction prior to marrying my ex.
Seeing how the family interacts like do the guys listen and acknowledge the women. Are they all happy and treat each other well. Is there respect?
If you get the chance to talk to this guy ask him how he feels about this? What about his future plans? Family? What if you want a career? What if you both can’t face children? What are expectations.
Feel free to ask polite questions. Ask about family history. Fav foods, and any hobbies.
Good luck.
Well, you won’t know if you like him till you meet him. You won’t know what he expects of you or if you have anything in common until you ask. Maybe you’ll get there and get bad vibes and hate the whole thing and it will be clear that it was a setup and they expect you to fill a role that you aren’t comfortable with, but at least you’ll know. Maybe you’ll get there and then date him for a few months and find that he’s just sorta mediocre then drift apart. That’s fine too. Maybe you’ll be instant best friends. You won’t really know till you try.
Is this sort of thing weird by common modern American standards? Yes. But it’s apparently normal for your or his family’s culture so… you know. Grain of salt. If you don’t want to go, don’t go. But unless they’re being super pushy, it seems kinda harmless to me.
Please don’t make any life-altering decisions though. 19 is too young to get married, i promise.
It’s not weird for parents to set their kids up with the children of people they know. It can even be nice, depending on how well you get on, and perhaps safer than dating randoms, because you’ll know how to get in touch with his mother if he does anything even slightly inappropriate.
What is weird is talking marriage before you’ve even met the guy.
I don’t think it’s weird to have an arranged marriage. The concern I’d have is the power differential. You do not have a college degree. He does. His family is wealthy and presumably yours isn’t. So if you marry and have kids and he turns out to be abusive, how will you leave him? And will he use his greater financial power to hire expensive attorneys to take custody of your children away from you? If you decide to marry him, make a good prenuptial agreement a pre-condition. Get a good attorney or have his family pay for your attorney (pre-nuptial agreements don’t hold up in court if the legal representation is found to have been unequal). Make sure the pre-nup agreement covers splitting of assets after divorce, compensates or recognizes your work as a homemaker if he wants you to stop working–especially with a stipend and a separate bank account only in your name, and how custody of children and visitation will be handled in event of divorce. An attorney will know more. IANAL.
What is your plan for financial independence? I understand living with your parents is normal when you are 19. But I assume one day you will want to move out.
Do you have a plan for how you will build your skills to be able to afford that one day? Or was your plan to marry wealthy so that you wouldn’t have to?
It’s not so weird, it can be very successful. Most arranged marriages, the kids meet and if they don’t like each other, that’s that. “Love” marriages fail more often since people tend to confuse lust with love and don’t take the time to make sure they have matching values and goals.
I come from a similar culture and would say
Lastly, if your parents try to force you to marry it’s time to think of a plan to leave.
Marriage is a huge life decision it’s not easy to get out of. Make the right decision for you and your life.
It’s fine to meet someone through your parents as long as there’s no expectation that you’ll marry him regardless of your feelings.
More than half of global marriages are arranged even today. I can’t say it’s right for me or you, but I know there are people who are totally fine and even happy with it. If you’re currently in the US, I don’t think anyone can legally force you into a marriage- they might pressure you or try to convince you in other ways, but that’s not the question- it’s not the norm, but that doesn’t mean it can’t work. You don’t have anything to lose from meeting this guy as long as you feel safe and comfortable doing so. It’s a little weird (to my American sensibilities) to have someone introduce me to a guy/gal while explicitly intending for us to get married and have kids, but people do set their friends/family up all the time (they just don’t usually say that other stuff about marriage)
Well, as long as it’s not a forced arranged marriage, then I would say just meet the guy and see if there’s any chemistry or interest. If you don’t like him or find him interesting, then don’t force it. However, 19 is incredibly young. Even if you DID like him, doesn’t mean you need to marry him. You’ve not even dated yet and have not gotten to experience other people or see what kind of person you blend well with. In other words, you’ve not even gone through your “kissing many frogs until you find your prince” phase. Hey, not that you need that, maybe he could be the one, but IMO now a days marrying or settling down at 19 is too young although doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen and can’t be successful.
For now don’t overthink it too much, go and see the guy and see if you like him.
You can always go for a no strings attached meeting but I don’t know if it’s going to turn into a situation when they pressure you into it or not. So just be aware that it could happen.
But being introduced doesn’t hurt. Hell, Lady Gaga is now engaged to someone her mom introduced her to. Happens all the time
You said it yourself, your families traditions are what’s happening. If you go with them you can’t complain about them.
Do you honestly think this well educated, attractive, wealthy young man is going to be attracted to somebody who refuses to go to college and is happy working in a packaging plant? This isn’t the 70s – you know that’s a dead end job -what is your intent??
Yikes who “arranges” who their kid marries and sleeps with?? Weird people.
I find it creepy and weird. Also, I’m American.
Sounds like a great blind date.
Arranged marriages are still practiced in many places around the world, and it sounds like your parents expect to do this for you, culturally. It also sounds like they are hoping there is a spark between the two of you, so maybe they are open to you getting to make your own choice, too.
Talk to your parents about what you hope to find in a marriage. Also let them know you appreciate their efforts, and then let them know whether you are willing to go pretty blindly into such a relationship.
I know four couples who are in an arranged marriage. In two of them, the couple came to love each other and it is a positive thing. In the other two…not so much. Those guys treat their American wives like they’re still old country women who are willing to accept awful behavior from the guys.
Ultimately, this guy may be a wonderful guy or he might be a nightmare. You can certainly let your parents know that you are willing to meet him to see how things go, but that you reserve the right to make the final choice.
It’s just a blind date. Your parents love you and if you don’t vibe with him, they are probably going to listen to you about it.
If a friend was introducing you to someone it’s no big deal. In the Us it’s a little weird for your parents to do it but they’re from a culture where it’s normal so just make sure it’s ok with them for you to say no and just enjoy the date.
Since you haven’t dated a lot, here’s the thing- get him yo talk about himself a lot, pretend you have something stuck in your teeth. Ask a lot of questions and don’t be evasive if he asks you some. This is like a job interview- do you two vibe enough to want to spend time seeing if this goes somewhere?
The best dates aren’t the ones where you’ve left the other person feeling like the most special, interesting person on earth. Give him a chance to shine and show off and see why you get.
Also pay attention to how he treats the waitress when you’re out. Someone who’s rude to the staff will eventually treat you with contempt, too. You’re mostly looking for character, which can be faked short term, and personality.
I find arranged marriages wrong but that’s my opinion and I also think you are way too young to get married! You need time to grow and learn who you truly are, what you want out of life. What a person wants at 19 will normally change by the time you are 25 for at least 95 percent of people!
Setting you up on a date is one thing. Planning an arranged marriage is another. Make sure this is something that you feel can work out
Not that weird. Then again I’m 20 something year above you, totally different generation.
Yes. But it didn’t work out. My parents thought that at one point I should meet with their friends’ son(s). They didn’t say that they intend for me to marry them (they knew by then that I would definitely reject that idea and in my 20s, I was stubborn af).
Imo, there’s nothing wrong to just meet with new people just to see. IF you don’t like him, you don’t have to date him. My parents knew better than to force me to date people I don’t want to date, that’s how stubborn I was.
This is actually how arranged marriages are supposed to work.
Years ago I had a friend, Sunita, whose marriage was arranged by her very traditional Indian family. Same values, same religion, same financial background, , close in age. She was quite happy with the husband her family had chosen for her. He was studying Engineering, worked very hard, and treated her with great deference.
I asked about love, and she said that was such an American concept.
Whatever works for you is fine. It sounds like your parents want you to meet him to see if you like him, and are not trying to coerce you.
You are very young. There’s still plenty of time to get an education or enter a skilled trade. That’s a much better investment of your 20s than caring for a man, a house, and kids. Can you get this family to pay for your education?
Meet him and see what you think.
You can date him and then see if you want to marry him
If he or your family insist on marrying before you’re ready then just say no and cut the cord by burning the bridge.
.in other words, say or do something that would ruin the match. If he is a nice guy just don’t hurt his feelings but you can still do something that might make the matchup be sour
Just meet up. Just bc you meet up doesn’t mean you have to date or marry him
Ugh, my relatives did the same, make sure everyone understands that this is just a blind date and marriage is NOT an option.
The older generation got married early. We dont have to do that any more.
They want you to marry into a rich family to be financially secure, but you have your own future. They need to understand that. They want you to be happy, but i dont think marrying for financial reasons is something that will make you happy.
Start with opening honest communication with your parents.
Youre 19 and still have the rest of your life ahead of you.
I would highly suggest taking some management courses in community college, in case you want to move up in the plant.
Set you up as an introduction to date. There’s no issue with that. I had a parent through a neighbor set something up. Wasn’t bad but I quickly learned in a short conversation that we were not an option due to logistics/values issues. I’ve met people through friends too.
Now if they are expecting you to marry the dude as this seems to be the case, it depends? Do they have economic power over you? If they do, it’s coercive. If they don’t, you can do whatever you want.
The downside here is if you agree to meet, you have to deal with fallout of saying no. If you don’t think your parents will be reasonable if you say no after meeting/dating for a bit, then I would just shut this down now.
Make sure that this is truly a good financial deal for you. You should have a lawyer in your side evaluate all the agreements.
It is not weird to be set up. And it has just as much chance of working as any other relationship. More sometimes if the people doing the setting up know the potential couple well and chose based on compatibility.
There is nothing wrong with arranged marriages IF and ONLY IF both people in the potential couple can ultimately say no without guilt if they just don’t click.
You have nothing to lose by getting to know this guy. But after you get to know him if you don’t want to date him or marry him, that is ok too.
I don’t see a problem with meeting him. Marrying his is entirely up to you.
You seem very passive in everything in your life right now.
Live with your parents, because that’s what they want (even though you’re American now)
Work at a packing plant, because you aren’t motivated to go to college
Meet/marry a guy, because that’s what they want.
You honestly seem a bit depressed.
What do you want your life to look like in 5? 10 years? What brings you joy?
Unless we live in vastly different places, a factory job is not a long-term healthy, well paying position. You need to start getting a plan.
Also you mentioned the guy is Korean and his parents are traditional. Traditional Korean in-laws are often challenging and their sons momma boys who won’t stand up to their parents. As someone who doesn’t seem very motivated to advocate for themselves, I worry about you joining this kind of family.
Please take some time to think about what you want from your life in the next few years and then beyond. If you cant come up with anything please find a therapist (interview a few, go with the one you vibe best with, then if it’s not right pivot to someone else).
Run away.
Run away right now otherwise they’re going to end up selling you to this guy.
It is indeed kinda weird and old fashioned for a western society, but if they are not pressuring you to marry, I don’t see the harm in at least meeting that guy. Only pressure, so you can’t say no, would make it creepy. Arranged marriages can work, after all, and it’s not as if love marriage has such a convincing success rate (two thirds of them end in divorce). As long as you can temper your parents’ expectations (and your parents can temper the prospective in-laws’ expectations) and you feel like it is ultimately your decision to say yes or no, I think there will be no harm in going on a few dates with this guy to see if you two click.
My family is Vietnamese and it’s absolutely NOT the norm for Viet parents to arrange their children’s marriages. It sounds like a walking red flag to me. Let me explain.
A normal 22M man with a university education is most likely not interested in an arranged marriage to a stranger, whom he has no connections and common grounds with. You say he’s your parents’ friend’s son.
But surely, your families are not that close, otherwise, you’d have grown up seeing his family around during the holidays (Xmas, Easter, sleepovers).
So yes, this is weird in Vietnamese standards.