I just don’t understand my parents or their parenting. It’s honestly so weird to me. They’re the kind of parents who think that life skills and emotional maturity just magically appear when you reach a certain age. They don’t teach you anything, they don’t practice anything with you, they just expect it to fall into place somehow.
When I was growing up and I’m a woman by the way I had to teach myself how to properly take care of my hygiene. I didn’t know what I was doing, and I smelled really bad during middle school and even part of high school. I didn’t know what self-love or self-worth was. I didn’t know how to manage emotions or regulate myself either, because my dad would just lash out and yell at us all the time. He’d come home and call me all kinds of names. I didn’t learn any real life skills. Practically everything I know now, I learned from my best friend. If it wasn’t for her, I don’t even know who I’d be right now.
It really hit me when I turned sixteen. My little brother was seven at the time, and I noticed how he couldn’t function by himself at all. He’s autistic, so yes, it’s harder for him to learn certain things, but my parents refused to help him. At seven, he couldn’t brush his teeth, shower, get his own food, clean up after himself, put his clothes on, or even tie his shoes. He couldn’t do anything on his own. If you left him alone, I honestly don’t know what would happen.
My brothers are so dirty that the whole house smells. People have told me when I leave the house, I carry the scent of the house with me. That’s how bad it is. There are flies in the kitchen, and they leave all the mess for me to clean up. They know my parents don’t care what they do, only what I do. The bathroom has poop on the floor. It’s disgusting. The tub stays dirty until I clean it. The cleaning supplies are right there under the sink or by the toilet. They could easily clean up after themselves, or ask, but they don’t. And when I make one small mistake, like forgetting to turn on the rice cooker, my dad starts yelling, saying I was being careless or rushing. No, I just made a mistake. I’ve made rice plenty of times. I know what I’m doing.
And my mom has this habit where every time I tell her something even something simple she uses it against me later. It’s so weird. I remember when I ran away and told her I was at my best friend’s house walking her dog. She threw it in my face and said I don’t do anything at home, that I’m lazy and she has to beg me to do chores. Meanwhile, I’m the only one cleaning the house. It’s just that my brothers make such a mess, she doesn’t even notice my efforts. That’s exactly why I don’t tell my parents anything anymore. They take every little thing I say and twist it against me.
I’ve begged for a therapist, a psychiatrist, and even dental work because my teeth are literally rotting in my mouth. My parents claim they don’t have money, even though we live in an upper-class neighborhood and both of them make good money. They have Gucci slides and expensive $200 perfume, but can’t help me with the basics.
My mom even messes up my hair on purpose sometimes. She’ll do it badly, laugh, and still make me go outside looking a mess. It got to the point where my best friend’s mom had to take me somewhere to get it done. What makes it worse is that my mom does hair for a living. She can braid. When she does other people’s hair, it looks good and they always come back to her. But when it comes to me, she doesn’t care and barely puts in any effort.
They even messed up my paperwork. I couldn’t go to college or get a job because they refused to legalize my documents. I begged them since I was sixteen, and now I’m eighteen and still stuck. I understand legal documents can be expensive, but I’ve seen what they spend their money on. I know they could have done this for me if they actually cared.
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I’m no therapist but it sounds like your mom is doing this shit on purpose
This is abuse. You’re being abused. Is there an authority figure you can speak to? Maybe your friend’s mum?
Your parents are neglecting you.
Do you have any family or friends that can help?
Are you still living at home? It sounds like you need to do anything you can to get the fuck out of there. It will be hard at first but once you make a life for yourself you’ll be happy you did! I left home at 18 with no help from my parents, I bumbled around for a few years but eventually I figured things out.
Your parents have neglected you and your siblings. I would suggest talking to a trusted adult about things and/or reporting to social services/CPS or similar in your county to help your family and particularly your younger sibling get the support they need
I have the same parents. And they wonder why I cut them off. It gets to a point where they see what you learned from someone else and try to use it for their benefit. “Oh you learned to hug and be supportive? Hug and support me unconditionally like the parent I never had even though you are the child.” It got to the point that even my birthday was just an opportunity for my parents to talk about themselves and not listen to the simplest thing I said. On top of all the abuse and neglect, I had to cut them off. They’re not my children and my life isn’t dedicated to making them feel seen and cared for.
These kinds of people don’t care about being parents. They just have kids because someone told them to but they don’t see their children as people or their responsibility. Just entertainment or a tool. and they don’t learn anything when you tell them they weren’t parents. They just revert into self protection mode and still refuse to see you. I have only enough space in my life for people who know better. I can’t see my parents as more than someone else’s il raised children and I’m not about to take on that responsibility again.
There’s a book called “children of emotionally immature parents”. That goes into these types. They’re not “weird” in the sense that it makes no sense. They’re very predictable. The concept just doesn’t make sense to you because you can override the problems that they probably need therapy to fix but they don’t see anything wrong so they won’t.
My parents sound kinda similar. I had a conversation with my mom a few years ago that really enlightened me on what the fuck happened my whole life.
She said she didn’t realize you were supposed to raise your kids to be adults. She just wanted babies to play with and everyone else was having kids so she did too.
Sweetheart, what country are you in? And what country are you from?
Please know that none of this is your fault.
I’m not sure what exactly you mean by, “legalize your documents.” (eta- never mind, I saw your comments up-thread). I’m only familiar with US processes, but consider consulting with a lawyer, and ask friends or relatives to help you do so. You can also speak with a guidance counselor at your school or at your brothers’ school if you’re not currently enrolled to find out what resources may be available to you in terms of legal help, financial aid, etc. Also, run a credit check to see if you’re being financially abused; your parents strike me as the sort to run up debt in your name.
I’m really sorry your parents are abusive in this way (if you’re not sure what way I’m referring to, look up ‘parental neglect,’ ’emotional neglect,’ ‘parentification,’ ‘financial abuse’). There just isn’t anything adequate to say over Reddit comments; it’s so horribly unfair. This sort of thing can take a lifetime to recover from, though a promising life does lay ahead of you.
Also, what is it with the Narcissist Haircut? There are so, so many stories about toxic moms intentionally sabotaging their daughter’s hair when she enters young womanhood; it seems to be a jealousy thing. It’s like they’re using a playbook.
Hey I grew up in a really similar situation
You’re 18 now and legally you can do a bunch of the stuff they weren’t doing for you
Hey you’re parents dental insurance, make yourself a dentist appointment.
Get your parents insurance, make yourself a therapist appointment. Ask about a sliding scale.
Use chatgpt to help you figure out how to get those papers legalized or whatever it is you need to do and go to college.
You need to move out of that house and while student loans suck this is going to be one of the only ways you can start living.
Talk to your best friend’s mom if you need an adult’s guidance. She might not know how bad it’s been for you, but she wouldn’t have been helping you this whole time if she was completely oblivious.
You deserve to feel happy
Oh hun, you need a lawyer. There are lawyers who will work for to help you.
And this is a difficult time to try and deal with this.
See what documents you can find , and make copies. Your local library usually has some basic stuff like a copier.
Call a domestic abuse support line. They can let you know what resources are in your area.
That’s not parenting. That’s neglect to the point of abuse. You deserve better.
I’m a mandated reporter. Based on this description, if I knew who your family was and where they were located, I would be legally obliged to report this to CPS. Because it’s neglect. Your parents are neglecting you. Autism is genetic. My guess is that your parents have unaddressed issues with executive functioning, understanding social norms, demand avoidance, etc that make it difficult for them to function as parents because they are neurodivergent themselves. Please tell a trusted teacher or another adult about this. It’s child abuse.
Holy shit, I am so sorry. I just wanted to say that this internet stranger is proud of you for being different and rising above your circumstances. I’m sorry you aren’t getting the love and care you deserve. But you clearly have a good head on your shoulders even at such a young age and having to do so much growing on your own. I know one day you will get out of there and do something important with your life. We are all rooting for you, never forget your strength.