So I’ve (20F) been dating a guy for a month now, but I’ve known him for two years. I’ve never done anything before—this is my first relationship, my first kiss, and my first everything (not sex). He’s going to have the house to himself next week and he asked me if I want to come over and spend the night. I asked my parents (mind you, I’M 20 YEARS OLD), and my mom said she doesn’t think it’s normal because we’ve only been together for a month. She says she trusts me, but she doesn’t want me to get carried away by the situation. I don’t want to have sex, but what if I did? So what??? I’m 20 years old, I’ve never done anything, and I think they have nothing to complain about. This relationship has been really lovely so far and I’m having a great time, but stuff like this is ruining it for me. Do yall think they’re right??? Am I taking things too lightly?
On top of that, my mom is always making jokes about our relationship. Yesterday I posted something on Instagram and asked her if she’d seen it. It was a picture of us holding hands, and she told me that when we break up, I’m going to have to delete all the photos. Obviously, I got frustrated and asked her why she would say that, and she told me I’m too sensitive and that I shouldn’t get upset over silly things. Also, she keeps calling him my ‘friend.’ When I ask her why does she call him that when she knows he’s my boyfriend she says I’m overreacting, that I’m being dramatic, and laughs. Is this normal??? Why does she do this??? I love her a lot and she’s the best, but when it comes to my boyfriend, I don’t recognize her.
This should be a beautiful experience for me, my first relationship ever, and she’s making it so hard for me to feel comfortable.
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Yo, this is straight up not ok. You’re 20, an adult, not a 12-year-old. Your feelings are totally valid, and honestly, it’s about setting boundaries with your parents. Your mom probs thinks she’s just looking out for you, but it comes off as her belittling your relationship, which ain’t cool at all. It might be tough but try having a real talk with her, let her know how you feel. If she doesn’t get it, well… stand your ground, it’s your life, not hers. If she can’t respect that, it’s on her. Don’t let her negativity mess with your happiness. Set those boundaries, and enjoy your relationship 🤘🏽
I have a daughter close to your age and I struggle with this attitude. It grieves me to read about your experience because I know (from a guilty perspective) that what is happening -with your mom’s attitude-is wrong.
She needs to let you go to make decisions. You’re right, it’s infantilizing. It’s showing you she doesn’t see you as an adult. But you are an adult and you have the freedom to not just make decisions, good or bad, but also have those consequences be your own. They aren’t her consequences, so her opinion doesn’t have weight on you.
I’m not sure how to advise moving forward but I wish you the best. This is not an isolated thing, so I’m sure there’s a TikTok YouTube out there that you might find helpful. Take care!
This might piss you off, but why are you going to your mom for something she can’t provide? It’s like you’re asking for it.
You ask her if she saw your Instagram and then you post that you feel infantilized. Why do you need your mom to be paying attention to your Instagram?
It’s not your mom’s job to help you feel comfortable in your relationship. Like you said, you’re 20 years old.
Consider doing more telling and less asking as a legal adult when it comes to your parents.
My mom is weird about this stuff. I can only imagine that it brings up things for her, I’m not going to conjecture and theorize about either of our mothers – just consider holding space that there might be things you don’t know about. Also try to think of how weird it might feel to be dealing with an adult kid (assuming you’re still living at home).
I wish we both could have warm and supportive moms who want to help us navigate our relationships, but we don’t, she doesn’t seem to want to play that role with you so consider just leaving her out of it.
Gotta tell her less about your choices.
Block mom on Instagram…stop looking for her approval, stop asking her if you’re allowed to go to your boyfriend’s house and just go if you want to. You’re 20 years old! Start acting like an adult if you expect to be treated like one.
It sounds like your mother doesn’t see you as an adult nor does she see you as being in an adult relationship, even if it’s your first, she’s acting like you’re 15. I’m sorry it’s hurting your feelings. It might be because it’s your first relationship so she – like you – is still learning how this all works as well.
It’s wonderful that you and your mom share a bond and trust each other, and it’s wonderful that you confide in her. That’s a truly amazing gift that you should treasure.
That said, parents can be annoying, even when we treasure them. lol Do you have any other trusted adults you can talk to about your relationship besides your mom? Sometimes a little distance can help when discussing these things, but it’s important to have people you trust who you can talk to.
I’m 43F (with three kids) so I’m old and wise and I’ll tell you what I would tell my own kids. Even if you don’t plan on going all the way with your boyfriend yet, you should plan for it. You should talk to your doctor about birth control options and you should go to the pharmacy and buy some protection as well, even if you don’t plan on using it. Birth control can take a few months to start working, and it’s better to have protection and not need it than need it and not have it. I’ve got a constipated 16-month-old, trust me, babies are annoying. lol Also, you don’t want to catch something. He’s probably healthy, most people are, but just in case.
If you decide you do want to spend the night at your boyfriend’s, I think you should seriously consider before you make plans to go over whether or not you’re ready to go all the way with him or not, and if you’re not, you should talk to him about it first: “Look, I would love to sleep at your house, but only if we just sleep, I’m not ready to take this to the next level yet.” You can always change your mind, you’re are an adult and that’s your choice, and that’s why you want that bring that protection I mentioned earlier that you didn’t think you’d need.
Also, it’s important to know that you are also allowed to change your mind the other way. You might go over for the night fully intending to be with him that way and then realize you’re not ready and that’s totally okay too. You are allowed to say “stop” and he has to stop.
It’s difficult for a lot of parents to talk to their kids about this sort of thing, even when those kids are adults, and your mom might be a little terrified of having this conversation with you or at the thought that the time has come that you need to put these things into practice now (our babies are always our babies), so that might actually be why she’s acting the way she is. She’s probably not trying to hurt your feelings.
I really hope this helps, and if you have any questions or need to talk, feel free to message me privately.
I think it was a mistake to ask her at all.
If I were you, I’d inform her of your whereabouts but I would not ask for your permission.
You asked Mom’s permission to go on an adult sleepover.
If you had to ask? Most people would say it’s because you’re not ready to decide for yourself.
Hate to bring this up but no one has yet what about if you get pregnant!!😂😂😂 Sorry I couldn’t help myself! I just hope that you wait a little bit longer than one month or at least make sure that he doesn’t have hidden camera’s hidden around the house especially the bedroom. Just being that guy that would worry if his kid got shamed by a jerk because you should binge watch a week of “special victims” on “law and order” and then you can think about things a little bit more.
I’m 30 and my mother recently admitted she doesn’t always see me as 30. She treats my older siblings (2 and 4 years older) as though they’re about 20 years older than me and I’m the 14 year old.
I’m not sure about your mom, but I genuinely don’t think mine means to do it. It is, however, infuriating and oftentimes condescending. One example is reminding me how to do simple adult things that I’ve done a million times without her since I was about 16. Once I pointed it out to her, she did stop a bit and seems to be more mindful of it.
My advice is (a) calmly talk to her about it, and remind her you’re an adult and (b) don’t invite her into the relationship. I’ve learned the hard way that sharing things with certain people invites them in to make comments. Don’t even entertain the possibility of comments. Basically, you’re staying at your new boyfriend’s house for a few days and that’s that.
By you keeping on asking for her opinion/thoughts/permission/whatever it is you’re asking all the time, you’re inviting her in.
No I don’t think this is that normal, time to cute the strings and tell them off like ”please I’m 20 I can make my own decisions” and if that doesn’t work maybe move away from home. Idk why she does it maybe she doesn’t want anyone coming and taking away you and the time you spend with each other, and the thing with calling you insensitive seem like a way to justify her behaviour or something, seems kinda toxic, and wouldn’t surprise me fully if it becomes more extreme especially if you distance yourself from her or tell her off but who knows and either way don’t let that stop you
Part of this new phase in your relationship w your mom is stop asking her and start telling her. Matter of fact: I’m going to bfs house for the night this day, just so you know.
Broooo my mom did this to an extent.
She would randomly give me lectures about relationships and then referred to my bf as a friend
While also insinuating that he’s just gonna be one of those short term relationships
I remember her telling me what if he forgets about me when he split ways and transfer to different universities
“He’s gonna meet a bunch of new people bla bla bla”
Like what????
How would you forget your gf just bcuz u go to different skl.
We literally live 5 min apart. We’re over each other’s houses all the time.
eventually she started calling him bf
You’re 20, time to start setting boundaries with your parents and stop asking permission to live your life how you want to.
Make it clear that if she’s going to use your instagram to mock you or make you feel bad, you’ll be forced to block her
When it comes to staying at your boyfriends house, you let her know that while you respect her opinion, you’re an adult now and need to make your own decisions.
It sounds like you and your mom have a good relationship in some ways and you do go to her and talk to her, but she needs to start learning that if she makes you feel bad when you share with her, it’s just going to make you want to share with her. Come from a place of wanting to ensure your relationship stays good as you grow into adulthood and make sure you make it clear that how she’s acting is pushing you away rather than bringing you in.
Your mum is weird, and to be upset about staying round a boyfriends house is even weirder.
She should be happy for you not trying to hold you back from a sleepover with your bf
I lived with my folks until I was 26. They are both very conservative when it came to me dating. My now husband and I were in our early 20s and we were in a LDR relationship. They didn’t want me sleeping with him outside the house when he was visiting, and my dad always threw a fit about me going to visit him. It got annoying real quick. The excuse was “as long as you live in my house you live by my rules” 🙄 glad I moved out.
It’s 4 weeks, hardly a relationship. If you didn’t want her opinion, why ask her? You should have just told her as you were leaving. Yes, you are an adult, you can do what you want, as can she & you are living in her house.