I’m new to posting on Reddit so please go easy on me, but I really need some advice.
I’ve been with my boyfriend around 8 months now and things have been pretty good. We do face one issue though which is where he is fearful avoidant and I am anxiously attached. We are both in therapy and working on our relationship but this sometimes we don’t communicate perfectly and he requires some space.
We recently went on a trip with my family for a week and prior to that we discussed the likelihood of needing some space during that time as it could be quite overwhelming for him. (He has previous family trauma) I stressed the importance of him communicating that with me as soon as he could so we could talk it out and find a solution.
On the trip he ended up going into fight or flight and shutting down on me and not communicating. Like at all. He took a lot of space but we only communicated when tensions were really high. This wasn’t a blazing argument just a private discussion that wasn’t that productive. This made me upset and as we were on a family trip unfortunately everyone saw the disconnect between us. I got teary on a few occasions and didn’t really defend my partner when I spoke about it with family. I spoke to my parents about how I felt in the moment and they really turned on my partner. They advised I should break up with him and even went as far to saying he was no longer welcome in the house.
Since this incident my boyfriend and I have spoken about what went wrong with us and how we can improve it going forward but I’m so unsure about what to say to my family. They are very protective of me and have had similar reactions in the past when ex’s have messed up. This always leads me to feeling an immense amount of pressure to leave that relationship.
I’m unsure if my family are right and seeing something I’m not, like this relationship being a huge amount of work or if they are being over protective.
How do I go about mending the relationship between my parents/ boyfriend or am I just not seeing red flags?
TDLR- boyfriend ignored me for a couple days on holiday with my family in an avoidant patch and now my parents dislike him.
Comments
I’m sorry this happened to you but this isn’t a healthy relationship and I think you need to evaluate the future of it.
If you’re looking at this from an outside perspective, your parents witnessed your 28 year old boyfriend emotionally freak out so much that he ignored you for days and refused to communicate with you on a family vacation where he should have been on his best behavior. They likely have the impression that he’s an immature jerk because, well, he was acting like one. Your parents probably don’t really care about his attachment style, they just saw their daughter being hurt for days on what should have been an enjoyable experience. Of course they don’t like him.
He’s a fully grown adult that apparently cannot not stop being an asshole for a mere week to the point you’re crying in front your family because of him. I have no idea why you think any of them would want to tolerate him after that, especially after you went to them to cry about him, a clear sign for help.
He’s dating you, not your parents. They’re allowed their opinion of him biy it’s ultimately up to you.
If you both choose to work this out, maybe try couple’s therapy together. See how that goes and just show your parents that things are going well and he’s not a bad person (if it does go well). Parents will always be parents and look out for us, especially when it comes to dating. They want to protect us. But at the same time, you’re an adult now. Need to tell them this is something you want to do. To work on your relationship, etc. It’ll take time
Good luck
What was the event that triggered his “fight or flight” response?
Your family sees what you cannot.
I’m avoidant with family trauma and I would never do that to my partner on a family trip. But not everyone behaves the same, so might not be a helpful comparison. That said, what your parents see is someone disrespecting you and you feeling so negative that you cry about it.
Point-blank: that’d be a hard no for any reasonably loving parent. It should be a hard no for you, too; but anyone can appreciate that you might not be able to see things objectively and may be much more willing to weigh this egregious conduct against the “pretty good” 8 months of sometimes not communicating “perfectly”.
Hope you see that, by needing to come to Reddit on this topic (how do I get my parents to forgive my bf when he treats me like shit?) means you have a lot of work to do to trust yourself and your own judgment.
Your boyfriend is not healthy enough to be in a relationship and is treating you badly because of it. Your parents are rightly worried about you. You don’t need to date broken people, OP.
This is him on his best behavior. It’s not going to get better. Not with you, not around your family. If you were my daughter, I wouldn’t approve of him either.
Yes, I am seeing a lot of red flags.
Specifically, I’m seeing buzzword therapy speak bingo to justify this dude treating you like shit.
Sounds like he preplanned a tantrum, then treated you so shitty on a family trip your family noticed. Attachment styles are not carte blanche to just be an asshole. If someone has been through so much trauma they’re literally going to preplan a freakout before even getting on the plane, they’re an asshole. And to be so for real, I do not buy it.
I do not buy that a 28 year old man is so fearful avoidant he stopped talking to you on a family trip. If he’s that deeply effected by his fearful avoidance, how does he hold a job? How does he deal in traffic?
This is willful behavior he’s exhibiting around you. Unless he’s on disability and doesn’t work, nobody is so fearful avoidant they shut down like this when meeting your family. I don’t care how much therapy buzzwords he uses to explain this away. That’s not how it works at all.
Imagine a life with more of this. Where he refuses to say his vows at the wedding because his fight or flight got triggered. When he won’t get up and dance with you. When he walks out of the delivery room while you give birth to your kid because he’s too overwhelmed. Where he misses kiddos graduation because it’s always, ALWAYS going to be his feelings over others.
Sincerely, this sounds like he just gaslit you into thinking his behavior is acceptable. It isn’t. You at least shouldn’t settle for it.
This is not a relationship. It’s a project. What your family saw was your boyfriend openly treating you like shit right in front of them, and naturally they want him gone. It takes an enormous amount of “don’t care” to behave the way he did in front of his partner’s parents. I wouldn’t make psychobabble excuses for him. “Fight or flight”, “fearful avoidant” and “avoidant patch” = a boyfriend who is never going to be a team player or treat you with the respect you deserve. In the words of Jesus’ mother in The Life of Brian (and it’s honestly not my intention to offend anyone), “he’s not the Messiah. He’s just a very naughty boy”.
Fearful avoidant, anxiously attached? Eight months into a relationship and you’ve got all this therapy speak? Every freakin thing needs a label, right? How about you’re incompatible and break up? Geez, so self absorbed he treats you like crap in front of your family. Fix your anxiously attached personality and move on to someone with emotional maturity.
You’re in therapy and flipping out like this over a relationship of 8 months? Or is the therapy just individual?
Like…not everyone you love is the one you know? You can just break up when you don’t mesh.
It’s 8 months in, this is honeymoon phase! If you need couples counseling already, how do you think this relationship is going to end up? He’s 28, he should have already done this and be so much farther along if he really cared about working on his issues!
Love when people use therapy buzzwords to justify being shitty humans. Neither of you are ready for a relationship. This is a mess
This is not okay of him
It sounds like your boyfriend is not emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship with you. Being overstimulated and avoidant is not an excuse to give you the silent treatment, which is what it sounds like he did. You needed to clear the air. Needing to cool down after an argument is one thing… but that should be minutes to maybe an hour or two. Ignoring you for days on a family vacation when he is supposed to be on his best behavior is not ok.
You have an anxious attachment. Being with someone with an avoidant attachment will not help you heal, it will trigger your anxiety even worse. You need to find someone with a secure attachment that can be there with you and help you feel safe. You reaching out and then being abandoned by your partner will only reinforce your anxious feelings. He is not a good match for you.
You said he didn’t want to do couples therapy. That’s another red flag in addition to his mistreatment of you. Why doesn’t he want to work through things with you? He is weaponizing therapy speak as a way to treat you poorly.
Talk to your therapist about why you feel the need to be in a relationship that is painful for you.
This feels like a narcissistic attention grab. He didn’t want you focusing on your family, he wanted you preoccupied with and thinking about him.
If this is how he behaves in front of your parents, I can’t imagine how he treats you in private.
If you need counseling after only 8 months of dating, it is not a good fit. Dating is not about sticking it out and forcing it to work.
He made their baby cry. Of course they don’t like him. He’s no “fearful avoidant,” he’s an asshole and he knows exactly what he’s doing at the big age of 28 years old.
Please reconsider this relationship.
Read what you wrote about his behavior and think about what you would say to a close friend who told you the same story.
Stonewalling is a form of abuse. “Ignoring for a couple days” is not normal and is extremely disrespectful. I agree with your parents.