I’m 19F and my sister is 15. We were raised in a very strict and conservative family where even talking to boys is completely off limits. Dating is unheard of, and even casual friendships with boys are not seen as smth good. In such an environment, when teenagers are completely deprived of supervised emotional exploration, they often end up doing things secretly and sometimes, those things can spiral out of control.
Today, my sister got caught for the second time. A few months ago, our parents had already confronted her for having an Instagram account. They trusted that she wouldn’t repeat it but now she had created a new account, where she had posted photos of herself (and even some with me) and was caught flirting with a boy from her class, she also may have spoken to some male friends past 11 PM.
To someone outside our culture, this might seem like typical teenage behavior but in our society and especially in our family, this is considered deeply disrespectful and shameful. My parents believe that “girls from respectable families don’t do these things.” Some of the things my sister had written were inappropriate and i nderstood why my parents were angry but their reaction went beyond anything I expected.
They beat her badly, so much that she was almost unconscious. I was there, shaking and pleading with them to stop but they were overwhelmed. They were crying, shouting, devastated. My father, who is usually a warm and generous man, completely lost control. He said horrible things, threatened to call the police on the boy and kept repeating that trust takes years to build and seconds to break.
My mother cried the entire time. Watching her like that was unbearable. I had seen a similar outburst years ago when I was around 11, back then, I had gone through something similar for having an Instagram account and talking to boys and the trauma of that moment rushed back today.
What makes it worse is, I couldn’t even be angry at my sister because I’ve been doing the same things. In fact, probably worse. I’ve been talking to someone online for a while now. If my parents ever saw those chats, I honestly believe it would break them, especially my mother. I’m scared it would destroy her.
So while I was watching my sister be punished, a part of me felt disgusted with myself. I felt like a hypocrite and the guilt hit me hard. I’ve been keeping secrets too and if those ever come to light, I don’t know what would happen.
Later, things calmed down a bit. My parents asked my sister to skip school tomorrow because she’s not in a state to go. We hugged, me, her, my parents but we all obv cant let go of what happened.
My dad, in the middle of his breakdown, also spoke about our financial situation. He said he wished I could achieve something big soon that would bring pride and recognition to the family. I could see the hope he places in me and that just deepened the shame I already felt because he has no idea I’ve been hiding so much from them too.
I don’t know what to think anymore. Is it really so wrong to talk to boys? Am I betraying my parents by hiding this part of myself? Should I just listen to them and let go of what I feel, given everything they’ve done for me? But at the same time, was their reaction today really justified? It was terrifying, violent and emotionally scarring. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I never want to go through something like this again.
Edit: I think i didn’t word thar correctly. My sister did get hit but it wasn’t severe physically. What really affected her was the shock, she just froze. When my parents saw that, they immediately stopped and hugged her. I’m not saying that makes it okay, just that they aren’t heartless or abusive in the way some are assuming. It’s complicated and I feel torn too.
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Wow that’s messed up
>But at the same time, was their reaction today really justified?
no.
never.
OMG! What country is this? If you don’t feel comfortable telling that , what region of the world? Your sister needs medical attention if they beat her to near unconsciousness. And your parents wanted to hug it out? Wow, I’d never speak to them again. The foster system couldn’t be worse. Let somebody besides Reddit know.
Call the police. Get your sister and yourself out of there. Cut all contact with your parents.
What you describe is normal teenage behaviour even in strict cultures. Teenagers will rebel in situations where they are restricted.
I don’t know where you are physically in the world – if somewhere where you can to go authorities then do so. If not I can only say hunker down and if you can make plans to leave home and disappear. This sort of behaviour ends in honour killings for whatever perceived misbehaviour
No. Just no. Not acceptable.
Can you both leave?
What country are you in? You need to find out what protections you can find for her and yourself
Your father is a MONSTER of a human being. Jesus fucking christ
Your parents beat her so badly she couldnt go to school.
And youre feeling pity for THEM?? And shame??? Look, I know this has been your whole life so its normalized to you, but understand… and I cannot emphasize this enough… culture or not, what your parents did was not healthy or normal. It was fucked up
Hurting people can never be justified. How can something that was so terrifying, violent and scarring be okay, especially if it is brought upon the children by the parents?
It sounds like you are from a culture where women are seen as property of men and have to abide to the rules made by men – or face consequences like these, and ultimately even death, in the name of some “honor”. But each person carries their own honor, and this honor cannot be destroyed by the actions of another. Only oneself could do that, and only oneself should be only responsible for one’s own honor.
But how could we further help you? Many western countries feel like this is so not okay, but it’s you who has to live there and face consequences. So what if we tell you it’s okay to talk to boys when this is what you have to fear?
Tell me, what do YOU want to do because of this?
Wait till you’re 18, then move far away, then talk to whoever you want.
Are you so brainwashed that you don’t know how to move out and live on your own? Get a job, save money, and LEAVE. Lots of people need roommates. Go find one.
can’t offer advice without knowing where you are / what laws are in place to help you.
I’m so sorry. That’s brutal. It sounds like you are not in very friendly country for women either. I hope you are able to find peace and can move somewhere you can breathe a little. Stay strong, sister.
Not sure if this is helpful, but I just wanted to add for anyone commenting. Considering this is a cultural background, commenting stuff like “cut off your parents” is practically useless, it won’t happen and while a lot of people have issues with that culture repeating it won’t change anything for OP, and if they do decide to follow through would probably end badly for them unfortunately.
I would advise you to be careful, keep the relationship private. If you want to or feel like youre in a place where it’d be okay, try saving up for another place, or talking to your parents about independence to move out etc. I doubt they’d agree but I’m assuming leaving or cutting them off is off the table. Make sure you log out of accounts at night, keep your phone on you but don’t be suspicious about it. Change contact names if you have to and delete any texts that might be ‘too much’. I wouldn’t do anything too obvious, since clearly neither parents suspects much from you. As for your sister, I’d comfort her. Don’t encourage her to talk to guys, considering the situation with your parents I’m assuming they don’t talk about boundaries or how to manage that sort of thing, or what’s age appropriate. I would talk to her if your close about the guys she’s talking to with no judgement. A lot of the times girls raised in that environment end up doing things that could end badly or be harmful to them that they might regret. If you can discreetly, try and keep tabs on her and make sure whatever she’s doing is safe and there isn’t any pressure coming from friends or other guys. Goodluck to you both, parents aren’t always the greatest but all I wanted to say was be careful with advice from people saying to call them out or try and argue or cut them off. They’re physically abusive, and chances are the people around you would side with them if you tried to leave or defend your sister, and any law enforcement might just turn a blind eye. Your life and safety comes way above sexual freedom, surviving comes first always. I hope you both get out of that situation.
Parents like this are always hypocritical. I am sure your parents did stuff as kids and now they’re like “oh no I dont want our kids doing the stuff we did!” So they double down on the strictness. Its sad to see.
And also, your dad hoping you do something with your life to raise the entire family’s pride is absolutely fucked up. It shows they had children to further their OWN way of life. I am so sorry you have egotistical and most likely hypocritical parents.
All you can really do is move out and live your own life. You are doing nothong wrong. Neither of you should have to hide any relationships. They’re trying to control your lives based most likely on how they actually acted as kids.
Get out if there and when your sister is old enough, get her out of there too. You will not be abandoning her if you leave. You will be showing her that there is hope when she gets older to be rid of these controlling behaviors. No parent should tell their kids no boys/girls allowed.
The key is for them to MEET and better get to know your bfs or male friends so they can tell how they feel. To outright ban them in general is an odd take. Its like they expect nothing but horrible things to come from men in your life, which is also telling on how they lived their lives before you.
As a 42 year old man who never got into trouble or assaulted anyone, I am offended by their banning of men in general. That’s bigotry and downright rude.
Honey you need to leave. Your parents aren’t good people. Start making plans to move out ASAP. Next time your parents hit either of you, even once, call the police (if that is possible wherever you live).
Please believe me when I tell you that your parents beating you and your sister is not OK. If you’re not committed to the faith that your family is invested in, you need to decide what you want for your lives. Both you and her. You need to understand that it’s ok to live your life as you want. Please stay safe. Both of you. If your parents are this violent over your speaking to boys you will be at risk for an honor killing. Don’t just accept your life as fate. Make your survival the goal. For both of you.
I don’t care if this is insensitive or whatever but honestly fuck your parents and whatever culture or religion you’re a part of that makes them genuinely think that beating their daughter to the point of near unconsciousness is an acceptable response to talking to someone of the opposite sex or simply having an Instagram account. It’s the 21st century. Fuck them
First you said your parents beat her into unconsciousness!! THAT my dear is child abuse and assault. I don’t know if you live in the United States but that kind of abuse is not acceptable and your parents could go to jail. All you need is to tell your teacher at school and they’d handle the rest by getting CPS and the police involved. THIS KIND OF BEATING IS NOT ALLOWED!!
I’m going to give an opinion as a father of 2 young daughters:
Your parents are unbelievably wrong and physically abusive. They are raising you and your sister wrong and are setting you up to fail as adults.
Never in my life would I put my daughters to anything remotely like this and I get compliments on how well my daughters behave everytime somebody meets them so I know I’m doing something right.
You and your sister are in danger. It doesn’t matter if they beat her half to death or only slapped once.
YOU DO NOT HIT CHILDREN.
YOU DO NOT CONTROL EVERY ASPECT OF THEIR LIFE.
YOU DO NOT MANIPULATE THEM INTO “SUCCES”
Please find help.
I wish I could do more for you and your sister
Remove all evidence that your parents can find. It’s not worth the risk. Your parents are abusive. You both need to figure out how to keep your heads down and not attract further attention or suspicion. Staying off their radar and appearing as you are following their rules is the only way you can figure out how to get out from under them. You are going to have to explain to your sister how she needs to be careful and stay anonymous.
Your edit to be that you wrote does not cut it. You said your parents beat her so bad she almost lost consciousness. If you are in the United States you are considered a legal adult. You saw a minor being physically, mentally and emotionally abused. It’s your duty to report that to the police. The rest of your post is meaningless. Do the right thing.