Been with my partner for about 2 years. A few days ago, she told me she’s pregnant. What caught me completely off guard is she admitted she stopped taking her birth control a while ago and never told me. She knows how i feel about me not wanting to have a children at this age since i am not ready and she agreed in past discussion.
We’re not in a good place financially or emotionally to raise a kid right now. I’m feeling honestly kind of betrayed.
We just had another chat about it and it tells me that she wants to keep the baby and her reasoning of not telling me she was off the birth control was because she ran out of it and we were on a rough patch (there were no sexual activity for months) so she thought it was unnecessary to tell me.
I.. i really don’t know what to do..
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
This is reproductive coercion. The relationship is over. Move out. Go no contact. Let her know that she can expect a financial transfer each month if she keeps the baby. Your lawyer can draw up an agreement with proof of birth and paternity.
Part of why your girlfriend did this is she is imagining that you will all play happy families. It’s up to you to show her that will be a fantasy.
Don’t marry her
Yeah that’s shady as hell. But also, kind of a stupid move on your part. My dad used to tell me and my brother “if you ain’t trying to be a dad tomorrow, wrap up”.
You leave. Pretty sure this is sexual assault in some way. You can look into waiving your parental rights because she is not going to give up this child for you.
You could tell her that someone so irresponsible about birth control can’t be trusted with a child. But if she’s hellbent on prematurely becoming a mother there’s not a lot you can do about it. You’re right to feel betrayed because she’s unilaterally made the single biggest decision any person can make and just foisted it on you.
she literally trapped you. but you don’t have an obligation to take care of this child under these circumstances you would not be abandoning this child because you did not have the knowledge that it would ever be born in the first place
Wow. This is terrible. I’m sorry you’re going through this. More men need to educated on this topic. Some women simply cannot be trusted.
If you don’t want to be together long-term and/or be a part of this baby’s life, you need to tell her immediately.
Get proof via text that she stopped birth control without telling you. You may have a legal case.
Her judgement is absolutely shit, how tf is she gonna be a mother? Let alone a single mom? She trapped you. This has me seething.
Women that have 0 prospects, that are broke and have nothing do this. She thinks you’re gonna be the dad/ parental figure that is going to bring stability to her life and kid lmfao. Yeah ok.
Sign over rights and pay support. And in the future, take control of your own birth control methods.
this is a form of intimate partner violence called reproductive coercion. what she has done is abuse. leave her. i’d recommend a lawyer if she plans to go for child support. you might be able to give up your parental rights entirely (and at least in some places that means you don’t have to pay child support) if you decide you want that. i’m sorry you’re dealing with this, OP
She’s trying to baby trap you
If you had done this to her, it would be considered rape or sexual assault.
This is called a baby trap, don’t fall for it. As others have suggested, move out immediately and then the relationship. Regardless of whether or not you can pay for child support, you’re going to have to.
Sorry bud.
That’s absolutely not ok!
First, break up with her. She is trying to baby trap you. This is something people (yes, men do it, too) do all the time.
Second, get a paternity test. If you weren’t sleeping together and were in a rough patch, there’s a chance it isn’t your baby.
Third, this is up to you, but find out if what she did is illegal where you are. There are many places around the world where that is illegal, is considered sexual assault, and could nullify your parental responsibility. I’m not sure where or how true this last statement is as it is hearsay from Reddit and other online forums, but you should look it up.
She trapped you. Tell her you’re not ready for this mentally or financially. What she did was cruel. I also tell men this: Never finish inside of a woman unless you’re ready for a big responsibility. Even if a woman tells you they’re on birth control, don’t trust it. Use condoms anyway. Nothing prevents a pregnancy 100% unless you’re abstinent.
It’s concerning how someone could make such a life-altering decision without transparency… but I wonder if there was any real discussion about future plans before this happened, it seems like a lot of assumptions were made on both sides, and that might have been the problem.
Funny how when it comes to this, men immediately understand nuanced consent.
Unfortunately, you have been baby trapped.
Besides the baby-trapping aspect, birth control can also just fail… so you need to be doing your part.
Additionally, how do you know she isn’t lying about stopping birth control initially? That could be her excuse for the pregnancy when really she might’ve had a bc fail sleeping with someone else.
She’s not trustworthy either way.
This is so unfair. Women have the right to terminate pregnancies in most cases without the BD having any say due to body autonomy but in cases like this the BD is forced to be responsible for the next 18 years. I agree with others that you should have protected yourself more. Just break up right now and hope she meets someone new who would be willing to adopt the baby and sever your parental rights
What she did was absolutely disgusting. In the future, never rely on someone else to prevent pregnancy.
It takes 2 people to prevent birth. It shouldn’t all be on the woman for this reason and many more.
If you dont want a kid, YOU need to do something to stop that. You need to take charge in the birth control department since you dont want kids. Take your fertility into your own hands. There’s nothing you can do now, but break up with her for this. She tricked you but it’s done now.
Don’t marry her and sue. That’s rape
I’d look into laws to protect yourself. In some places this is reproductive coercion and akin to rape. Make sure you have proof from her that she stopped bc without telling you.
Do not marry her. Work on being a good co-parent or accept you want to give up custody and pay money (after confirming paternity). She’s did something that had blown your trust completely.
Also. Don’t rely on another person for bc ever if you don’t want kids. Use multiple forms. Put the onus on both people. This is not meant to shame you but as a reality check about the effectiveness of bc and personal responsibility. Both people need to be responsible for bc.
I was like you at 23. More than 20 years ago.
My take on this is that it’s a huge betrayal. Such a decision (having a child) is never something one decides and forces on the other, it should be discussed and see waited by both.
I know that some people won’t agree but your situation is like a woman who isn’t on the pill have sex with her boyfriend and he removes the condom without telling her, because he wants to have a baby and knows that she doesn’t.
Of course, in those two situations, we could say that everyone is responsible for their safety and their contraception, but after a couple years, you have to trust your partner. I mean, you trust that your partner won’t steal your wallet in the middle of the night, that they won’t hurt you, etc.
We can’t have a relationship with someone we can’t trust.
The questions for you now is: do you want to be a dad and stay with the girl who deceived you? And does she want to keep the baby and be a mom alone, because I assume that you are not going to build your future with a partner who showed you that she can decide something for both of you that will impact the rest of your life…
Talk to your family, friends, loved ones, don’t keep everything to yourself, your mental health is critical right now.
And good luck.
Sign away rights and cut contact with her.
This isn’t both of you making a mistake, this is her deliberately lying to you in a massive/life-altering way.
Dude get it in writing like a text message or something that she deliberately stopped taking her birth control while lying about it to you so she could deliberately get pregnant. This is called reproductive coercion and you can literally sue her ass for this. Call the National Domestic Violence Helpline. They can help you.
This is what abuse looks like.
She broke the trust. This is just as bad as cheating. How will you ever be able to trust her again?
Why is it only her responsibility to to take birth control. Being that it’s a life changing event maybe you should have been responsible enough to take precautions as well. She wasn’t fucking herself was she? The ignorance of people in this situation is incredible. I feel bad for the child that has such a moron for a father
Welcome to life as a male.
If a women decides so, you are basically just a spermdoner and a pay-check…
Chop shop appointment asap
Don’t marry her.
Leave.