We used to be on pretty equal footing financially like same income range same kind of lifestyle and we used to split pretty much everything. Recently I’ve (27M) been promoted and my salary has increased for 32% and I now make close to 142k (the guy quit so the ceo appointed me for his position right away) and I’m now making almost double what she (24F) does.
The thing is that she’s been nothing but supportive. Never made it awkward and never acted weird about it. But it’s me who is feeling weird. I catch myself overthinking stuff like paying for dinner or suggesting for a trip. I feel like I’m constantly doing these maths in my head to make sure I’m not making her feel uncomfortable even though she’s never said a single negative thing Has anyone else gone through this? How do you mentally adjust when the financial dynamic shifts in a relationship especially if everything else is still good?
TL;DR: I now make more than my partner and I feel bad
Comments
You’re fine treating her to good things. Ones that bring good memories.
As long as you NEVER belittle her, make her feel less than for not matching your spending.
You should include whether you live together, and if you have discussed marriage/kids in the future, because those are really important contexts here that change the advice a lot.
If you’re simply dating, the advice is simple: Make a budget and hold yourself to it. Include a budget line for dates/entertainment and communicate with her if you’re approaching the end of it for a month, or if something is outside of your plan/budget atm. Be conscious and transparent.
Talk to her about her feelings as well. If she wants opportunities to pay/contribute, make sure you don’t choke out the space for those or make her feel like she shouldn’t be paying. Check with her that spending/investing in dates you both value, and not just throwing money around in ways she doesn’t particularly care for but is tagging along cause you’re paying. I had an ex try to make feel guilty about the amount of eating out we did, that he paid for, but I would have much rather have eaten at home in sweatpants on Tuesday night than had to put my grownup shoes back on and gone out… If you think you’re giving gifts, check in and make sure you’re contributing things she actually values and enjoys sharing with you.
I think that you just need to sit down and have a real conversation about what this means and what your goals are. Overthinking is a lot like the monster in the movies, it’s always at its scariest and most powerful before you actually see and confront it. It’s great to be able to talk about budgets and finances in an established relationship.
Im in the same situation, but I am the one who makes less. My partner makes double what I do. We both own houses, but his brother lives with him and helps with bills, whereas I am completely on my own. I find myself getting annoyed when he constantly brings up “let’s go on this trip, let’s do this expensive thing, etc”. I constantly feel like the bad guy being like “I just had to fix my roof so it’s going to be x # of years before I can afford that”. It bothers me more than him.
For the record, I dont want him not to experience these things. I wouldn’t be upset if he went on his own or with other friends. It’s just frustrating to have to remind him that I can’t do the things he can afford to do.
Have you tried talking to her about your feelings?
One thing you can do is live like you are making the same salary as her. And save the rest for both your futures if you plan on marrying her. It’s a win win. This is kinda what I do. I make double my husband and he insists on 50/50 for everything. I just try and save as much as possible. I’m more of the saver in the relationship. Once in a while there is a bigger ticket thing that I want, so I just pay it