Hi everyone,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for around 5 years now. He is everything and more I could wish for. He makes me laugh like no one, he’s compassionate and caring, and treats me like an absolute princess. We are each other’s best friend and have a very companion-like relationship. He is even supportive of me focusing on building my career, while he takes care of the finances. We have plans to get married soon and start a family together. However, there is one problem.
We cannot get intimate. This was not the most significant issue when we would see each other frequently early in our relationship. However, even early on, there were times when he couldn’t “deliver” and he would attribute it to being desensitised to porn. I didn’t think much of it then. Over time, we’ve both gotten busy with our careers and so with the spare time we do have we generally spend it doing things like talking and cuddling. Outside of that, getting intimate is difficult as we live in a shared apartment.
However, whenever opportunity presents itself and we have the apartment to ourselves, he never initiates anything. Initially, I tried to initiate things myself, but I would always end up disappointed. Soon, it became an issue, and I started doubting myself and whether something was wrong with me. I put more effort into my looks, (tried to not be as obvert, idk in my head I thought me initiating it might turn him off). None of these led to any changes. It eventually got too much and I brought it up with him. He said that it’s not me and that its porn. He’s gotten desensitised from it. I told him how horrible and insecure this makes me feel and he promised to stop.
We’ve had this conversation multiple times now. Each time, I am hopeful, and each time it gets crushed. I genuinely can’t help but feel like something is wrong with me. From the most recent breakdown we’ve had, I’ve lost hope for my own sake. I don’t want to be hopeful, only to be potentially let down again. He tells me he hates seeing me like this and hates that he has made me feel that way, and I know he genuinely feels this way. He might change, but my self-worth is nearly destroyed. I feel like something is wrong with me, like I am not pretty enough, fit enough, “sexy” enough.
I don’t want to be hopeful. I would rather not be optimistic and protect my self-worth. I love him so much that I can’t imagine life without him, to the point where I think I am okay with sacrificing this. He tells me I don’t need to do this, that i am perfect and beautiful, that it’s not my problem, its his, and he will fix it. But for my own sake, I can’t be hopeful, I have accepted that things might never change.
What I am worried about now is that I’ll start resenting him. I already feel anger and disappointment from him, and don’t feel like talking to him, but I love him so dearly. He’s made the happiest girl in every other way.
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Porn addiction is tough, but effort matters. If he’s not actively working on it (therapy, nofap, etc.), you’ll keep hurting. Put yourself first.
You are way too young to sign up for this kind of thing.
It’s time to move on. I’m not anti porn, but when it affects your sex life, that’s a problem. And in 5 years, no change? This is never going to change.
Leaving is always hard, but once you do, and you find that someone better, you will wonder why you wasted as much time as you did.
This is his battle to fight, if he even ever decides he wants to. But why would he when he has no need to. When you are the only one hurt by it?
Move on.
Both of you should read “come as you are”. Free versions are online.