As the title states, I am an up at 5:30 am morning person. My partner wakes up at the same time as our toddler, and we all start the day (breakfast, get dressed, brush teeth).
My partner prefers that we don’t speak for the first 30 minutes after he wakes. I have already been up for hours at this point. When we are totally silent in the morning, I struggle because it feels like he is stonewalling me and it’s super triggering. Also it makes it hard to plan the day and connect before I leave for work (I am primary income) when talking is not desired/allowed.
How do we compromise in this issue? I wish it was as simple as me not speaking, but that is so emotionally hard for me. For some reason, when we don’t speak it feels like our relationship is falling apart. But then we fight and things actually fall apart.
Do I need to be okay with not speaking? If so, any insight into why this feels so scary for me? Does anybody else experience this?
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This is strange to me because I am not a morning person, but the first thing I do when I wake up is talk to my partner. I feel that this is odd behaviour and if you have expressed your desire for conversation in the morning, after already having separate wake up times, and he refuses without explanation I find it weird
Why can’t he speak for 30 minutes after getting up? Does he refuse to talk to your toddler too? Who is getting toddler up and getting them ready for the day? Has your partner always been this way?
Can you play soft background music during that half hour to fill the sound void? I have friends who need that time when waking up and I know this has been helpful. Then maybe you can connect over the phone on your commute?
This is actually a good issue for couples therapy. Neither of you are “wrong” – I know I’m simply not functional at 530am and need time too. It doesn’t sound like he’s being deliberately hurtful but couples therapy could help you sort out why it’s so upsetting and come up with tactics to manage the situation. Like, maybe you plan the day the night before and he says goodbye /kisses you good morning before you go
Some people’s brain just cannot compute first thing in the morning. 30 minutes isn’t really that long of a time.
Do you end up not having enough time before work to talk about the day with him?
One way to compromise might be to discuss the logistics for the upcoming day the night before. But with that said, it’s unreasonable for your partner to expect complete silence/no conversation for the first 30 minutes they’re up every morning. Even just a kiss and a hello and some brief exchanges over getting your toddler ready would probably go a long way towards making you feel more acknowledged and loved. Starting my day like that with my partner ignoring me would make me feel like shit. He’s not a morning person and can be sulky after waking up, but he generally doesn’t make it my problem.
Is he asking you to be totally silent? Or is he just asking you not to hit him with all the plans for the day and logistics questions before he’s fully awake? Personally I can’t properly answer a question or process information until I’ve been up and moving for at least 20 minutes.
I am not a morning person and I can see where the guy is coming from maybe. My mom was way too chipper in the morning and it was the most aggravating thing to have a full conversation when I just woke up. My brother and I would only talk about relevant things which was fine with me. Can the two of you compromise maybe on just talking about practical matters? The not speaking at all seems extreme.
It sounds like you have codependent tendencies. You need to be ok on your own respecting your partners different physiological sleep needs and not internalizing him needing 30 mins of time to wake up as an insult to you. Ideally your different sleep needs would have been good to discuss before having a kid, so maybe also there’s a pattern of needing better communication around parenting expectations and sharing agreements in your relationship- couples counselling could be great for this. with regard to sleep if he can agree to taking on more responsibility at night when you’re more tired you can feel at ease with being the more responsible one in the morning. And since you’re the main breadwinner he needs to take on more household duties overall – important to discuss if this hasn’t been agreed to already.
Honestly i think your projecting here not wanting to tlak much and maybe doing his own thing for like 30 minutes why does that mean your spiraling? To me it would be put off by that simply as long as he makes time for you most of the time him needing space to wake up and unwind quietly is not asking for much but your reaction to him needing that is over the top maybe thats just a boundary for him not everyone is chatty and social first thing in the AM
Also im not trying to be rude but you come across as self absorbed you mention how you’ve been up for hours so you just automatically assume he needs to be a morning person like you Im sorry but give the guy a break yikes 😅
You both seem a bit dramatic. He’s high maintenance and you’re taking it personally and over reacting.
I’m sure the two of you could talk and come up with different solutions that work for both of you.
He should go sit on the toilet and look at memes and jerk it for the first 30 until he is ready to socialize.
I don’t get the 30 minutes of silence, but is he also waking up only 30 minutes before you leave for work? If so, can ge get up earlier so you can have some interaction before you leave? What about nonverbal communication?
Can you make sure you have a plan in place for the next day before you both wind down for the evening?
When you have talked to him about how you feel ignored and rebuffed by this behavior, what does he have to say? Maybe some couples counseling would be helpful to find some middle ground if you cannot come up with it together.
I am not a morning person, but it takes very little effort to be civil and say good morning, ask if the other slept well, give a kiss, etc.
But I have asked my husband to give me a few minutes in the morning before breaking any news beyond a simple non-issue, or making in-depth plans, or asking my opinion on anything above the level of petty or a value of $5. He’s very okay with that! I’m medicated for sleep as an insomniac, so I have to clear the cobwebs and after 10-15 minutes, I’m cool.
He needs to at least start being civil in the mornings. Absolute silence is tense and unfair. If you need to make plans, try and make them the night before, or contact him by phone when you’re on your commute. But y’all need to compromise on this.
You need therapy if your husband not talking for the first half hour ‘triggers’ you. He’s allowed to have his morning routine. As for not being able to make plans? Talk the night before. Send him and email before you leave. You’re making this all about you.
As a non-morning person who also abhors when someone makes me have a conversation right after waking up, I feel him. I made exceptions when my kids were younger, but now even my 6yrs old knows I need some quiet time with my coffee to be able to “person”. And he totally understands because he is also just like that. He needs his milk and minimal interaction until he is ready. 30mins is not that much…
First off, this is not about you and your relationship. This is 100% about your partner, so don’t take it personally.
I have lived with people like this. Here’s some coping strategies. Plan the day the night before. If you need to talk through the logistics e.g. who is going to be where and at what time, what time are you home from work, whatever, do that the night before when you’re both in the mood to communicate. Connecting – my people and I developed a set of non verbal gestures as a way of communicating, “I see you, I love you, have a good day”. Don’t try to force someone to talk to you or engage with you. The results won’t be pleasant.
Ultimately, the person who wants less contact controls the situation. One of my kids doesn’t like to be touched. I would like to hug them. Result: I don’t hug or touch them except on the rare occasion when they explicitly invite me. I respect them and their preferences. Respecting each other is what brings us closer, not forcing them out of their comfort zone.
You’re a morning person, he’s not.
Which inversely means that he’s a night owl probably, and you are not. Does he have expectations of you at night that feel similar?
Why can’t you plan the day the night before? Or the vast majority of what you need to plan.
And yes, you do just have to deal with moments of silence when they’re explained ahead of time, of short duration, and when it’s something the other person needs.
I’m not a morning person myself and my brain isn’t really working for a while after I wake up. Talking to me about stuff soon after I wake up means a higher chance I don’t remember the convo or can’t figure out the correct things. Recently had to drop my car off early in the morning, poor guy asked me a basic question and I just stared at him while my brain caught up.
Make your plans in the evening before bed.
Go fool around on your phone, watch some TV at a low volume, throw on some headphones and listen to music, start the pot of coffee, read a chapter in your book, get going on breakfast…you don’t need to start talking at him right when he wakes up.
Well certainly stock phrases should be allowed. “Good morning, did you sleep well, have a good day, love you” etc.
In terms of planning the day, does your job or commute allow for him to fall you once he’s awake for a chat
Just curious if he gives the toddler the 30 minute silent treatment too. I think the compromise should be he wakes up a little earlier than the toddler. Take his 30 minutes and then join the family. And to be clear I don’t think 30 minutes is asking too much but it the WHEN he wants it to happen maybe what needs to be negotiated.
How did this happen? Didn’t you cohabitate before you married?
You need to hit up a therapist about codependency and anxiety issues. There’s no reason that silence should make it feel like the relationship is in danger.
Please solve that issue and when you are healed, reconsider if you need anything from your partner on this.
I am Absolutely not a morning person and no one has ever taken issue with it except for one partner who was extremely insecure and the insecurity was the downfall of our relationship because he refused to do anything about it except expecting Me to sooth him.
Why don’t you settle these things the evening before? Presumably nothing has happened during the last eight hours of sleep, so you can reasonably discuss the night beforehand plans for the following day, check ins about anything, etc.
It’s totally valid for him to need some time to “wake up” and start his day. It’s also valid for you to want to start your day with gusto, conversation, and connection. Where things go awry here… it the communication. First of all, you’re taking his lack of communication in the mornings and making false assumptions with them. He doesn’t want to speak to you, is stonewalling you, is giving you the silent treatment, is angry at you, etc. This is really unhealthy behavior. It’s codependent, and he should be free to have some morning quiet time to himself. The fact that it becomes an emotional struggle for you which leads to an argument is concerning. Those should be feelings you should be able to manage. It sounds like you’re lacking in coping skills in dealing with those emotions. Arguing as a result is unhealthy on both parts.
I am very much so like you. I’m a morning person. I’m up at 5 am to walk/feed the dogs, drink my morning tea/coffee, and start my day. My husband is not. It’s 30 minutes before you can get a coherent sentence out of him, so anything before that you might as well ignore. But I value his needs, so I respect that, and I do my own thing. I don’t take it on emotionally.
For you and your partner, I would suggest working on the codependency issues. I’d also suggest maybe backing off on the full on conversations throughout the morning. It seems like what you’re really needing here is connection. Set aside time for a 5 or 10 minute quality time session. Just the two of you, no other distractions, and just check in with how you’re both feeling about anything. This can condense the amount of time to make it manageable for him and make it more meaningful for you, as opposed to lackluster communication throughout the morning that leaves you feeling ignored and him feeling overwhelmed.
As the night owl in my marriage, I can understand his reticence to be super talkative. But, if he’s imposing a rule on you and the family, that’s weird. That feels like a controlling behavior. If, instead, he’s just quiet and sleepy, that’s maybe different and workable. How is he at night or when it’s his time?
You need to be on with not speaking. He is not forcing g you to stay late at night, so you can respect his quiet mornings.
Good side of it- with newborns it’s easy to cover both shifts
There’s no compromise needed here. Not everything deserves a compromise. This could be an incompatibility issue. I think you need to figure out how to self soothe during the time that you partner is trying to get himself together or seriously reconsider if you can deal with this long term. He can’t just suddenly become a morning person because his silence makes you uncomfortable. That’s hella selfish and inconsiderate.
I’m sorry but you just have to respect his wishes. It clearly bothers you but you have to understand where he’s coming from. My fiance and I are the exact same scenario. My fiance is like you, wakes up Hella early and is up for hours. I’m a night owl, I would LOVE to talk to my partner til 2am but they physically can’t stay up past 10. I just have to accept that. They have to accept I’m grumpy and need my sleep and I’m not even coherent until an hour after I wake up and I would HATE having people talk to me before then. They understand that they have to accept that. It doesn’t bother them but I’m sure they would love to talk to me but they recognize I just am unable to.
This is solemnly a you issue, you have to resolve your feelings around why it bugs you so much to sit in silence. It’s okay for partners not to talk all the time, it doesn’t mean anything malicious. You should work on your inner self and make yourself comfortable with your partner’s morning routine. Ask yourself why it brings so much anxiety for you guys not to talk right away. I’m sure there’s small compromises that can happen of course but I’m heavy with respecting non morning people. Just let them have their moment and when they’re ready to talk then you’ll have those moments together but I’m telling you as an anti morning person this is really difficult to compromise.
I’m like your partner, but I can’t say if he feels like I do obviously. I can’t tolerate anything in the mornings, and I mean anything: the clothes feel like they almost hurt, any sound is like nails on a chalk board, bright lights are nauseating. Its like I need to adjust to being alive before I can interact with anything.
I live with a partner and two kids under 10. As you can imagine, this has not been super smooth for me. But it’s something I had to learn how to handle: I wake up earlier than I’d prefer, start the day being responsible for taking out the dog so I dont have to talk to anyone, i do my bathroom stuff, etc, until it’s time to wake up the kids and I need to be interactive. I make sure I’m the best I can be for my family. On the other hand, my partner doesn’t expect any interaction before the kids wake up, all planning has to be done the day before or after the kids wake up time, and things like that.
My advice is to seek out therapy/counseling, and find what he can do to work with his morning issues and lessen the impact on his family, and in return you need to deal with your own anxiousness around his silence. You guys are a team and need to find a way forward that works both for you. That is not through compromise but through collaboration.