My partner (25M) and I (28F) have been together for about six months. For context, when we first started dating, we were seeing each other almost every day. I’m quite a solitary person who needs a lot of alone time to recharge. On the other hand, he’s someone who needs a lot of closeness in a relationship, so seeing each other daily suited him perfectly.
About three months ago, we broke up due to communication issues between us. For the past few weeks, we’ve been trying to restart the relationship on healthier terms. Currently, we see each other about twice a week, which feels perfect for me. However, he recently asked me if we’ll eventually start seeing each other more often.
I’m in school and also working, so I go to bed and wake up pretty early. He, meanwhile, wakes up late and finishes work late. I told him that I honestly don’t see how we could spend more time together given our schedules, and that our current rhythm feels sufficient to me for now.
He told me that he’s willing to sacrifice his own needs for mine because he wants to be with me. But I’m struggling to believe that this can really work in the long run, since his needs clearly aren’t being met.
TL;DR: My partner and I are trying to rebuild our relationship after a breakup. We have very different needs in terms of how much time we want to spend together. I need a lot of alone time, while he thrives on frequent closeness. Right now, seeing each other twice a week feels right for me, but not enough for him. He says he’s willing to compromise and put aside his needs, but I’m worried this isn’t sustainable long-term.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Can relationships like this work in the long run when core needs around time and closeness are mismatched? How do you make it work — or know when it’s time to let go?
Comments
I feel like this could get toxic / codependent fast. Especially because of his comment about sacrificing his needs for you. I think the best case scenario is breaking up. You know whats good for you, youve tried talking about things. In my opinion if i was in your shoes i would find someone more in my schedule and understanding
It isn’t. This will grow into resentment very quickly on his end even if he doesn’t want it too. You can’t force your brain chemistry to work differently.
What you can do if so inclined is you both work towards normalizing each others needs somewhere in the middle.
One of you sacrifices a little of your needs for the other. Lets say instead of seeing each other every day, you see each other every 2-3 days. BUT you do that, then you spend a couple days together in a row.
Find something like this that works, and let it slowly acclimate you both to be comfortable with sacrificing a little for the other person.
The issue I see on your end, is how are you going to live with someone when you need so much solitude? Even if you have separate spaces in a home together, that “solitude” isn’t the same as someone else being in the house, especially when you need to share chores/errands/etc.
How much longer are you in school for. What’s your long term plan here? Twice a week is ok for a while but he probably is looking for someone to take the next step with. I’m not saying do it now, but oddly moving in together can help with this situation. My husband and I often have alone time in the house but while we are kinda both together doing our own thing
“About three months ago” wait hold up, so you broke up after 3 months?
Yeah I mean, I don’t think this is the one. If it became so apparent that fast that you had incompatibilities… then yeah, you probably have incompatibilities. I think you need to be honest with yourself: do you really only want to see a partner 2 days/7… or do you only wanna see this guy 2 days/7
Compatibility in core needs matters more than compromise sometimes.
No i don’t think it’s doable. Less because of you and more because he is already going “I’LL SACRIFICE MY NEEDS!” After THREE months.
Either he’s naive and has no idea how resentful that will actually make him or he’s going to use it to pressure you to something else in the relationship.
“See, I sacrificed MY needs for you, why can’t you do this [not actually little] thing for me?”