After months of denying it, my partner confessed that he no longer finds me sexually attractive after giving birth to his child.
It hurt knowing that after putting my body and health through hell for nine months, he no longer wants to touch me. He said “there comes a point in pregnancy and after birth, where you no longer find it attractive”
The worst thing is I already knew. I could tell by the way he looked at me, the way his kisses changed, the lessening of physical affection.
He says his libido had decreased after becoming a parent, but he didn’t know why. Then after we were intimate on Valentines Day, he realised that it was because he no longer finds me sexually attractive.
My friends are outraged for me, but I’m not angry because you can’t help how you feel.
I’m just angry that he lied to me for months, denied it to save having the awkward conversation. He made me feel like I was going crazy for thinking it. He made me doubt myself and what I was seeing/feeling.
He broke my heart, so I left. I did the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and told him we’re over.
Comments
First of all I am so sorry that happened to you. I decided to leave a comment because I can relate on my mum’s side – that exact thing happened to my mum and even today we don’t quite understand why it happened the way it did. Just know it’s not because of you.
If you’re interested as to why it happened, I would suggest you to take a look into psychology behind it. Because I have trust issues (because of my dad’s cheating on my mum), I started visiting therapy and she helped me a lot as to how to understand what makes a person react the way they do. Turns out childhood experiences have a lot of impact on later relationships.
Stay strong, you did the right thing for yourself. Everything is temporary, only you will be with yourself forever, so love yourself the most. Sending hugs <3
Unpopular opinion but… isn’t it kind of strange how easily someone can manipulate emotions by withholding affection, and I really wonder how people manage to sense subtle signals of deception over such long periods, could anyone explain that, actually?
I can only imagine how deeply painful it must feel to realize that someone you trusted so completely no longer sees you in the way they once did… but it’s important to remember your worth isn’t defined by someone else’s attraction, it’s defined by your strength, your resilience, and the life you’ve built. While this moment feels like the end, it might just be the beginning of something that allows you to find the kind of connection that truly honors you. What will you do next with the strength you’ve just discovered?
I’m sorry this happened
I’d be outraged. I AM outraged! If he wanted a child, he should have respect for what your body went through to give that to him. He should look at your body in awe and appreciation for what it freaking did. That man clearly sees women as sexual objects and if they’re not perfect, they’ve “lost their value”. I’m disgusted by him.
I’m sure you still look beautiful. With that being said I’m also sure he’s not being honest. he needs to be telling you the real reason, give you the why so you can get that closure. Because this isn’t about attraction. From what you described he’s done. I hope I’m wrong because if so, he’s just being a coward. Instead of being honest he’s ok with you thinking it’s on you. That’s cruel man.
So, I am going to first note that I am a guy. So that nothing is misconstrued.
Something changed. That might seem apparent but it isn’t what was said that changed. Either, you look different in some way or you no longer do something sexually that he likes. Or he found another person who does things that he likes.
I personally don’t think it is you who changed though. I think he has found something that interests him more or something to that effect. Clearly you are still sexually active because you noticed that he wasn’t as sexually active. So it isn’t activity. It very much looks like he might not have gotten sex at some point due to pregnancy and instead he found an outlet that also happens to have a pulse.
While it might be hard, don’t let him ruin you. He is worthless and needs to figure out what he wants to do here.
You did the right thing and I am sorry he put you through that. Not even my pos, narcissistic, sociopath of an ex did this to me after having his child but he caused enough damage nonetheless. I would have rather been told actually that I was ugly and he was never attracted to me and basically, he was only using me for money and companionship. Would have given me closure. You at least got that, as horrible as those words he told you are. Rest assure, you will be happy and he’ll regret his actions. Trust me, they ALWAYS come back apologizing. It took 7 years for me! But even if you never get that in life, you will be ok. My child is 9 now and we are truly living our best lives traveling the world 😎
it’s so disgusting how some men treat their partners like shit if their sexual attraction changes. just admit it and spare so much pain and trouble.
im so so sorry this happened to you. but you are so so strong for birthing a baby AND for leaving such a terrible partner! it takes so much courage, esp w a new born. you and your kid deserve so much better. im so so proud of you!!! you’re so much better off and will be so happier without him!
How old is your baby?
It would be great if, someday, I could not be ashamed of my gender.
Nothing about who you are as a person changed but now he’s not attracted to you? What a shallow prick.
He’s not one of the good ones.
This is one of the reasons I’ll never have kids. Women are forced to marry and birth for their number one killer. Big pass
Firstly, I am so sorry you went through this.
I think it’s a good sign for your mental health that you are not angry. The reason I say that is because it tells me that you are someone that won’t let this experience keep you pinned down about how you view yourself. The emotions are raw and fresh right now, but you are someone I view as having a better view of yourself and your self worth after this experience.
From an outside perspective, he made a shitty decision and it’s odd that he was all for progressing the relationship this far to then back out. I, personally, could not do that to my wife. It would have to be something more extreme (like abuse) for me to cast doubt on the relationship or find her unattractive. It almost sounds like he wasn’t in it for the long haul.
But you should be proud of making this hard decision. It’s for the betterment of yourself and very likely the child who would otherwise have grown up in an environment where the parents don’t really love each other. I won’t say it’ll be easy, it’s hard, but in the end I think it’ll be better for everyone involved.
I wish you the best of luck, and you deserve the best.
I applaud you for your grounded reaction.
I don’t trust people who say such awful things to their spouse: it is the fastest way out of a relationship except for murder.
I can’t help but think it is so fucking unfair that this happens. YOU went through all that pain and suffering to birth HIS CHILD. I know he can’t control his attraction, but man, this society expects wayyy too much from us women, and teaches men to expect that too.
He sounds like a weirdo. If it’s any comfort, Elvis did the same to Priscilla Presley- got with her at 13, knocked her up young and then couldn’t sleep with ‚ a mother‘ This is his mental problem not you and you deserve someone better
What a dick. I’m sorry girl. Please never let him touch you again.
So the kid has a broken home because your husband’s level of sexual attraction changed? On a long enough timeline nobody finds their wife sexually attractive anymore. That’s marriage. That’s commitment. Oh well I hope you get out there and get fucked really good by some new guy I guess.
You can be angry. He’s known he wasn’t attracted to you as soon as your belly started to show if he didn’t want children, why wasn’t he honest?
Divorce him and get back into shape not for him, but for you and watch him come crawling back, wanting to make it work again kick him to the curb and move on. Make sure you get your child support and everything in order.
Also check to see if he isn’t already cheating hopefully he isn’t
I would bet money he has a new (younger) woman lined up. Men like him consider women easily replaceable.
I’m sorry to say, but you were likely just for incubation of his offspring. He’ll likely get another woman pregnant and do the same to her.
If he is seeing things so “logically” (which for him means a lack of empathy and consideration), he will eventually come back to you once you get your groove back. Do not go back.
Unless his mother is there, your child won’t be properly cared for while in his custody. Keep that in mind that he will likely be unreliable and untrustworthy going forward, and blame everyone else.
I’ve seen this a lot. I’m not saying it’ll 100% happen this way with you, but just be sure to give him the cold, uncaring “logic” back to him. He doesn’t deserve your grace.
I’m angry for you as a woman. He’s just looking at your physical features while ignoring the fact you literally risked your life to bring his child in the world. Ungrateful and selfish.
He will come out as gay soon enough.
OP here, reading your comments and thank you!
I just want to clarify that he is not cheating on me. He would never, that I trust. We have discussed further everything that has happened over the last 7 months, and I understand everything he has experienced.
For his privacy, I will not go into further details, but I did advise in the original post that he has expressed his libido has gone.
We both came to the same conclusion that we were putting our happiness and needs aside for our child. We were so focused on him not having a broken home or family that we were willing to commit to a lifetime of unhappiness.
My ex is not a terrible, awful person. He is human.
A few years ago, this would have destroyed me, but I know I am worth more than a single man’s view of me.
For now, we are working on a schedule for co-parenting, and we have love for each other, just not in the same way.
It’s kinda sad that our culture doesn’t really prepare men for how pregnancy and childbirth can alter your body. Having stretch marks and a wider waist and bigger feet is totally normal and no one should be made to feel ashamed of that. Your body grew his child,and he has the audacity to actually feel comfortable in telling you that he is so shallow that he can’t get past those changes.
Guys like this should come with a warning label for their next partners.
His libido went down after childbirth bc men’s testosterone decreases so they are encouraged to stay home with the baby. Not to mention his decreased sleep and exhaustion.
He needs to get his head on straight. What an ahole.
Girl same. My ex tried to bully me into losing weight after I had our child. He kept telling me that I was skinny when we met and that I need to be skinny for him right now. I feel bad for his new wife though, he forced her to get weight loss surgery when she wasn’t even obese and now she looks like a skeleton with multiple health problems.
I’m so sorry this is happening. I would try therapy first. Everything changes with a baby. World’s are flipped upside down and it’s a very serious test we are put through. Unfortunately it’s common. Also common for women to lose interest in their partner too.
I’m woth you on the whole can’t be mad. But one day you will be. It’ll hit you like a brick. Mine too 3 years to become angry and I left. He also cheated with my best friend. So whatever. She can have him. They have a baby together now too and she’s still married to her man of 16 years. It’s a mess but we alright lol. You shouldn’t have to live with feel undesirable. I hope he decides to talk to someone first about it. Maybe it’s something much deeper than looks
My ex husband did the same he was always pretty low sex drive and was ok after my first was born with an emergency c section but after he saw my second born at home waterbirth he wouldn’t touch me he said everything changed after seeing me give birth naturally and he and I never had sex again. It was horrific I felt so used by him just to make his babies. This man should be showing up for you and praising the fact you and your body safety brought his child earth side but no he’s causing you pain and suffering because he is immature and an entitled little guy. Leave with your head held high none of this has to do with you!
It’s a very common psychological shift that many men have after having a child where they begin to see you as a mother first and a sexual partner second.
It may even be an evolutionary response to keep men from having sex with women before they are ready after childbirth.
And also, some men have something similar to postpartum depression after their partner’s give birth.
It’s understandable for you to feel hurt, and unattractive to your partner. That definately sucks. I’ve been there. But trying to understand the other person and empathize with them is frequently the best course of action.
Who am I kidding? This is Reddit. The official reddit advice is always break up.
Why do you care what your friends opinions are?
Was he a bad partner before all this and you didnt notice? I find guys with this mentality show you who they are well in advance so I’m curious.
Reading this makes me so angry, not just for you, for your pain and what you must be feeling, but for all women and the expectations put on us, the product of decades of misogyny and oppression. I know this may seem dramatic but if you really think about it, this is not a singular case or a one off, and I don’t say that at all to minimize your pain. My uncle told me he felt the same way about his wife when I was 10. I have the utmost respect for you for leaving, and knowing your worth, whether consciously or subconsciously. To me it’s a form of rebellion to a system that has belittled us for centuries. Good luck to u
I’m so sorry he robbed you of a beautiful relationship you two could have had. You sacrificed your body to bring your child into the world. If anything, that should amplify the attraction he had for you. Relationships should not be built on sexual attraction. He’s a loser and probably never deserved you in the first place.
Wow. This is appalling. Your husband sounds like the biggest douche on the planet. It’s crazy how women constantly take the brunt of everything….menstruation, child birth, labor, the primary caregiver. Perimenopause. Menopause. Having to constantly shift their desires to circle a man’s. All I can tell you is I’m a thick woman and I date hotter, younger men and so once you dump that piece of trash husband, and you heal, find yourself a pretty younger man who loves your body and adores you. Lots of men like mom bods. I’ve never had children and have a mom bod and I love when I have a lover who loves it.
Wishing you strength and love to get through this. Dump the trash at the curb.
it is actually outrageous the way these men want to use a woman’s body to propagate their genetic material but refuse to grow the hell up when their partner’s body is different after.
also you absolutely can change your attractions. if you fill your feed with people who look a certain way, that’s who you’ll gravitate too. i spent my life repulsed by the tiniest amounts of fat on my or anyone else’s body, but since intentionally diversifying the types of people i look at, my preferences have changed. he’s a coward who has violated your trust.
Hugs… You are brave and you will be fine, actually much better without someone like that
Good Luck OP.. live happily with your child
this is ALL about him
If it’s any comfort, there’s a sleeeeeeuuuuuuuu of men that LOVE a MILF. I’ve never gotten so much attention in my life, even though I have stretch marks everywhere, am much heavier, and am saggier. Real men love a “fruitful” woman. Let your ex watch you leave. Let him watch you flourish into an amazing mother. Let him watch you eventually find another partner who cherishes you and your child. Let him grow regretful. Let him suffer when he realizes what he lost. It won’t be easy on you but one day, it’s going to taste so sweet after you’ve kept your head up and just focused on yourself and baby and he’s the loser.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Your friends have every right to be outraged!! this truly makes no sense. They know how much you sacrificed, carrying this precious life for months and now the very sign of that life is what’s pushing him away? That’s heartbreaking.
It’s true he deceived you but maybe he thought he was doing the right thing, trying to protect you from the truth but if this is how it ends, I am so sorry. The truth is, he may have never had the emotional maturity to be a father or a true partner.
You’re absolutely right that we can’t control how others feel, but this goes beyond that. Real partnership means being mature enough to understand that a woman’s body changes after giving birth, and to embrace that, not reject it.
I am glad you walked away. No woman deserves to be treated like this. You deserve so much more. 💜
Good riddance he’s an absolute immature man child and unfit to be a husband or a father you’ll find someone so much better 🫶
Your husband lacks emotional maturity and empathy. We are all going to change in appearance at some point and he needs to get a grip on this reality. Pregnancy is an incredibly demanding experience for women; physically, psychologically, emotionally, and you deserve to have a partner that respects and is proud of you.
Of course your friends are angry for you. I’m sorry this has happened and that you were lied to.
Men ain’t shit. I’ll die on that hill.
u/burbnbougie
That’s shit, I’m sorry you’re going through that I’m experiencing the same thing only the other way around 8 years after having our child my wife has almost no interest in me sexually I think the once a month I get to actually have sex with her is mostly out of obligation she’s just not into it. I tried to talk to her but she just gets defensive and give me a list of excuses and things that I am supposedly doing wrong such as basically wanting to have sex with my wife is childish on my part.
I’m facing the same decision
You do you, but this situation is really not something that cannot be changed. People have a lot of magical thinking when it comes to sex. Sexual attractions can be reignited between couples. If you both still love each other, you can try to work it out, rather than leaving. It is surely a blow to your self-esteem, and you may feel hurt that he would be like that after all the efforts and sacrifices you have made to have a baby, but losing sexual attraction happens all the time and to a large number of people, if not most of the populations, and your husband’s sexuality has things to do with himself not you. Just because he lost attractions to you doesn’t mean it indicates that your body is no longer attractive, but it only says that he has trouble being attracted to you currently, due to whatever reasons happens in his brain that only Gods know. Maybe it’s not about your body change, but because he’s tired and depressed being a newborn‘s dad, which happens to a lot of new dads (yes, not only women get that, men too). It is really unhealthy to treat sex as something to prove about themselves and disapprove about themselves, but it is not. And if you cannot jump out of this mindset, you will get hurt anywhere with anyone, because people’s sexuality fluctuates. It is almost impossible to have a sexual life with one partner without any changes and issues through all their lifetime. If you both still love each other, give it a try.
So ur telling me u were both only in it for the sex? Im sorry u had a kid with him
i had a selfish partner like that after i had his kids. i left, and ive heard (from mutual friends, and him when he drunk texts me) that he misses me.
i havent been able to date because im scared of others, so im focusing on friendships and loving myself more than he ever could.
Lawyer up and bounce!! For real… find someone to love you both.
I’m so sorry OP
He is very immature and not ready for life. He lost his lust and cancelled love. Marriage goes through phases and is not founded on sexual attraction alone. Sexual attraction is just a cherry on top. Besides expecting to be stimulated and entertained in marriage, it is about supporting each other. It is about responsibility. He needs lust and pleasure and I must say you are better off without him. Take your power away from him. Let him float around
This is extremely common with men and part of why I got sterilized. No man will ever do that to me and have that kind of power over me.
I’m proud you left & put yourself first. Your body will recover, but he’ll never not be a shallow piece of shit.
Make sure you tell him how disgusting he is for being an unsupportive shallow partner 😊
Iam angry and outraged like your friends, this is unfair. I think a man will be the biggest dick in the world for not loving his woman and treating her differently just because her body had changed after giving birth, it feels to me that he’s so superficial and doesn’t think of his partner as a soulmate but rather than just a body. He should be comforting you and loving you more and be more accepting of your body because you birthed him a child, something that’s difficult and a miracle.
It’s my greatest fears too if my future husband turns out like this, I’m so sorry for you, you deserve better than this, you deserve a man who will love you and think you’re the most beautiful woman in your ups and downs. And of course a man who doesn’t cover up his asshole thinking because he’s afraid of an awkward conversation.
It’s absolutely tragic that someone could be that shallow. I’m so sorry. Please know from this internet stranger that you deserve so much more!! ❤️
Why don’t you hit the gym and get a makeover or whatever women do to look pretty again. Make him take you out on a date but date others too b