My partner didn’t tell me they’ve been married before

r/

I have been seeing my partner for almost three years, and they only just revealed they’ve been married previously.

For context, I’m in my mid-late 20s while my partner is in their early-mid 30s. In the last few months we’ve been having more deep convos about marriage and next steps in our relationship.

Last week in a random convo, it was revealed to me that my partner had been married before. When we first started seeing each other they shared they’ve been in serious relationships before, and in other instances when I tried to discuss it they seemed evasive so I didn’t wanna push it. Anyways in this convo, I started asking some questions only to be told their previous relationship was more than ”serious” and actually a marriage that lasted a few years.

I was completely shocked and blindsided to say the least. Not because my partner has been married before, but because for all the time I’ve been with them, they never told me this. And it was only bc of me asking questions that I found out the truth (rather than them telling me this on their own).

Im not a confrontational person (one of my flaws), but I’m truly a bit at a loss for what to do. I want to be angry at them for not telling me, but I’m trying to be understanding for their reasoning (that being they feel shame towards their first marriage which happened when they were much younger). Any advice would be appreciated

Comments

  1. MiraInMoments Avatar

    Your partner hiding a marriage feels like a betrayal. You need to demand full honesty now because secrets this big cannot be swept under the rug.

  2. TheRealVeraIn Avatar

    I’d feel super blindsided too, and honestly that level of hiding would make me question trust. I’d have a serious talk before even thinking about marriage.

  3. pm_sexy_neck_pics Avatar

    Why the shame? What happened that ended the marriage?

  4. Striking-Leg8733 Avatar

    Bigger question would be, what else are they hiding from you? Kids? Massive debt? How many times have they been married? How many skeletons are in the closet?? Grow a pair and be confrontational. 3 years is a long time to hide these things. If not now, when?? After you’ve married?

  5. Special_Sherbert7497 Avatar

    Honestly this would be enough for me to end a relationship with someone. 3 years and they omitted to this big thing? Mmmm nope.

  6. SecretPantyWorshiper Avatar

    Find a new partner 

  7. OkCryptographer9906 Avatar

    3 years in and you’re just now finding this out? I wonder what else they haven’t told you about! I couldn’t imagine being blind sided by this…

  8. No_Substance_9037 Avatar

    Probably hiding the dv charge as well

  9. dchristiaens Avatar

    Perhaps there is some trauma around the marriage. My first marriage was unspeakably abusive. I had PTSD issues that prevented me from talking about it much even now 40 years later. I wouldn’t say anything about it until I felt safe with a person and that took years. I only offer this up now as a way of understanding

  10. wishingforarainyday Avatar

    What else are they comfortable hiding from you? Do they have a child? You should ask since they won’t tell you without you asking. This person doesn’t respect you.

  11. Western-Principle-45 Avatar

    You keep referring to your partner as them. Is it really a them, or a he or a she? I only ask because that could possibly complicate things for why the first marriage didn’t work and maybe they just didn’t want to go there.

  12. Possible_Dig_1194 Avatar

    Info: havw they explained the “why” of why they didn’t tell you?

  13. Real-Dragonfruit-585 Avatar

    That’s on you for not asking as much as them not telling. Together three years and only now having this type of conversation.

  14. Fine-Virus7585 Avatar

    He’s not trustworthy.

  15. chocolatechipwizard Avatar

    The next question is how many times!

  16. Lucky_Risk4166 Avatar

    3 years is a long time for it to have never come up.
    I’m in my mid 30s and was married briefly in my very early 20s (less than 2 years). While this isn’t something that’s at the forefront of my mind often I still couldn’t imagine not mentioning it to a partner of 3 years

  17. Sailor_Marzipan Avatar

    I’d be wary to say the least…

    One obvious reason they claim “shame” might be that they don’t want to own up to the degree to which they caused the divorce. Because as soon as they bring it up, you’re obviously going to want a fuller story than someone simply telling you a “relationship” ended.

    regardless, for me, it’s a red flag because in relationships everyone eventually does things they’re embarrassed or ashamed of. Whether it’s as serious as cheating or something less offensive but you’d absolutely want to know about, like spending $1,700 on a scam and ending up in a financial hole. This is the best indication you have so far of how they’d deal with stuff like that: by not telling you unless you dug around and found out

  18. Worktoohard101 Avatar

    I wouldn’t necessarily break up with them over this, sometimes people just want to leave their past in their past and move on.

    Would it have affected your relationship differently had you known? Maybe this happened before with him so he was more reluctant not to say anything.

    Maybe things happened in his marriage that could be viewed as shameful and he didn’t want it brought up? An affair maybe? She left him and his ego/heart is hurt?

    Did the marriage last long or was it really short? Sometimes that’s a hard thing when it’s really short and ends.

    Have a sit down and talk, but he might never want to share. Who knows.

  19. MissionHoneydew2209 Avatar

    Yeah… He’s a liar. I’ve heard of Trickle Truths before, but this is Drop-By-Drop Truth. You should be mad. He lied.

    ETA: I wonder if he has any kids he’s omitted telling you about because you didn’t ask about them correctly.

    ETA #2: Is it possible he’s not divorced yet? I mean why lie small?

  20. GoodWin7889 Avatar

    If your partner didn’t feel they should be honest with you about something as significant as this in three years then you need to seriously consider the implications of that. Your partner didn’t think you had a right to know which shows they are not as committed as you or there is some shady things going on. Ask yourself how would your partner react if the roles were reversed.

  21. ColSnark Avatar

    That is shady on your partners behalf. It feels like there are bigger things that are hidden that have to do with the marriage.

  22. Hollandtullip Avatar

    I am sorry, but hiding something like that sounds not very healthy. What U.S the reason for hiding for such a long time?

  23. Iprivate73 Avatar

    Who is them. lol. Guess you trying to be gender neutral in this post? Which is fair, but I kept thinking, dating two people? Was confusing

  24. California_Sun1112 Avatar

    That’s a serious lie of omission. I wouldn’t trust someone who kept that hidden, especially for that length of time. I’d be wondering what else he is hiding/lying about. If someone has been married previously, and how many times, should be disclosed at the very beginning of a relationship.

  25. sanslenom Avatar

    “It was revealed to me” or “My partner finally told me”? Do you see what a big difference the change from passive to active voice makes? What it tells me is that you’re trying to shift blame away from them when you clearly see there is a problem with not divulging that they were married before. And that makes me think this isn’t the first time.

    And there is nothing wrong with not being confrontational. In fact, I think being confrontational is kind of a weakness. Also, it’s not confrontational to say, “I’m not going to feel safe or comfortable until you can explain to me what happened to your marriage, and if you can’t explain it to me for whatever reason, then you will have lost my trust. I’m not sure I can continue in this relationship.”

    On the one hand, not telling you was a lie by omission. On the other hand, what if the divorce was a result of abuse on your partner’s part? You have a right to know before you decide to commit to the relationship any further.

  26. HermanTruth Avatar

    The use of plural (they/them) in your Q precludes me from responding; as I cannot identify with any intimate relationship that deviates from the traditional (and singular) M/F paradigm.

  27. Blesscayne Avatar

    This sounds like the episode between Erin and Andy of the office.

  28. ScreamySashimi Avatar

    That’s a REALLY big omission. I feel like you’d have to actively work to hide that one. I’d be really concerned about getting married to someone after finding out they’d spent so many years hiding something so big

  29. left-for-dead-9980 Avatar

    Let him/her know you aren’t happy with deception or omission. I would move on.

  30. RainbowandHoneybee Avatar

    When was the divorce finalised? Maybe they didn’t tell you because they were still married, and waiting to be officially divored.

    It’s kind of weird things to hide, if you are serious about relationship with you.

  31. CenterofChaos Avatar

    Going to be blunt, this is probably hiding from cheating or a DV charge. You need to figure out what the heck happened and why the partner hid it. For me this would be the end of the relationship, if they’re going to hide something that important they’re probably hiding something else. You’re going to have to wonder about what they’re hiding forever now 

  32. Ok_Owl_365 Avatar

    The big question here is whether you want to be a part of their life. How do you treat one another. Are you both hoping to grow the relationship and if so, can you both start to understand the other and share more.

    As someone that has lived many years, been married and divorced and other relationships, I don’t tend to begin a new relationship with discussing ad nauseam my entire life. Bits and pieces are shared and the same with the person I’m with. Now, I wouldn’t hide or lie about my past but there are things that are more difficult to share, and with those I’d say, it’s difficult for me to share currently.

  33. Techno_Core Avatar

    Well it’s one of two (or maybe a combo of both). Either one should be a concern if you’ve been thinking about a future:

    1. This person is deliberately hiding that info from you. And you need to know why.
    2. You two have communication issues that a 3 year couple should not be having.
  34. Trick_Transition901 Avatar

    Pretty big thing to have never disclosed. Are they divorced now?

  35. Temporary_Sort_5978 Avatar

    They did have a life before they met you, I know kind of hard to grasp…

  36. ChallengeGood6429 Avatar

    Wow! I’d be shocked and want to know details. There’s always a reason a person wouldn’t want to mention it. It could be something he did wrong and wants to hide it, or it could be so hurtful he doesn’t want to discuss it because of trauma to him.

    For example: He could have been in a very loving relationship but she passed away from something horrific that left scars. Or she could have cheated on him and it caused him severe emotional damage.

    Either way he should have been honest about it from the start.

    I would be asking questions and finding out why. I wouldn’t automatically think he was a liar and sneaky. He may have solid reasons for not wanting to talk about it. But now is the time to find out. Then you are going to have to make a decision based on his answer.

    And I’ll be honest. I’ve been married twice. My first marriage lasted 10 years and he was abusive. We had two children together.

    I married a second time and it lasted over 20 years, and he was extremely abusive to the point I have severe PTSD and anxiety, and panic attacks from it. If not for the one child we had together I would want to forget about this marriage and not tell anyone ever about it. It was emotionally damaging and left life-long damage for me.

    I can see how someone would want to forget and not discuss a part of their life if it was horrific for them.

  37. upotentialdig7527 Avatar

    I didn’t tell my BF right away that I was still married, but separated and in my own apartment. I was divorced 3 months later, and then told him. We’ve been together 25+ years.

    But 3 years of silence? I’d need to know more before taking any steps in advancing the relationship.

  38. BreezyBill Avatar

    They obviously didn’t consider it important enough to mention. A relationship is a relationship, specifics aren’t that important. And it’s also kinda none of your business if they don’t want it to be.

  39. AdventureThink Avatar

    I would want to know much more now.

    In almost 3 yrs not a single family member told you he was previously married.

    Contact the ex wife.

  40. Realistic_Spite2775 Avatar

    You need to dig more. I would mention I’ve been married on like date 2 or 3. And answer any questions about it because that’s a big deal.

  41. Competitive-Brat2495 Avatar

    My ex literally lied about everything… but he still told me he was divorced within a week of meeting lol.
    Your guy is next level.

  42. Carolann0308 Avatar

    My SIL was married at 18 and divorced by 20. She married for the 2nd time at 37.

    Her first marriage was basically ignored by the entire family because it was so short. No kids no house no assets. Just two idiot teenagers who made a stupid choice before they were ready.

    It doesn’t mean he’s hiding it. He just doesn’t discuss it.

  43. Capable_Profit6637 Avatar

    When you apply for marriage license you have to put down that she was married & divorced. So did she get divorce? When before you met? Is she still legally married?! I would find that info out first. Try google first. She knows his name, so I’m sure you know.

  44. stealthwarrior2 Avatar

    If you approach it to better understand, that could be a good conversation. You value the relationship, and it is a right to know.

  45. icnoevil Avatar

    You need to ask your partner, “what other important information are you hiding?”

  46. SwimmerQuick1500 Avatar

    I’m torn on this because it’s not like they revealed they had kids. They revealed that their serious relationship was a bit more serious – which doesn’t change anything.

    So idk you have to probe on why they didn’t reveal they were married because in my opinion a several years long relationship isn’t different on the serious level compared to a marriage considering some people get married in like a year.

  47. Bagardbilla Avatar

    Perhaps your partner does not view his previous marriage as a big deal. I’m not saying your partner is one of these types,(but marriage being a contract, and people getting into contracts for all sorts of reasons), Perhaps your partner got into it for financial reasons, maybe social pressures, perhaps blackmailing by someone, or simply to avoid a difficult situation.
    Frankly, if you did not ask and they are the avoidant type, I can see why they did not elaborate the kind of relationship it was…
    When you did want to know the details, they told you. To me that’s not lying, I wouldn’t hold it against them. As long as they told you the truth when you asked. It could be selective sharing of the truth, but not lying.

  48. Efficient_Addition27 Avatar

    I’m not being critical, but the genders aren’t revealed in this post.

  49. Biker3373 Avatar

    Huge red flags. You need to put marriage plans on pause before going through with it. Do you know for sure if he’s officially divorced? Most counties post marriage records so you can check that way

  50. 40ozSmasher Avatar

    I sometimes meet up with a few female friends i dont see very often, and over and over, i encounter the same situation: they can’t answer half the questions I ask about the men they date. My most common question when they tell me things are getting serious is to ask a question about his apartment because that usually is the fastest way to find out he never let’s her come to his place. So the moment you felt him get vague about his past is where things slow way way down. It’s ok to keep dating, but then your goal is to learn about him, not just keep heading forward towards marriage. So this guy decided to hide information from you. That’s very important information about him for you to never forget.

  51. PresentationOk9954 Avatar

    This happened to my aunt and uncle, and they almost got a divorce. My aunt was previously married for a short amount of time when I was very little. It’s about five or six and was a flower girl. The guy turned out to be a drug addict and dealer. She divorced him and moved on. I don’t exactly know why she didn’t bother to tell my uncle that she had been previously married, but she never told him. Years and years down the line, one of my cousins was getting married, and we were all sitting around the table just talking about weddings and looking forward to the event. My cousin was torn on what to do about flowers and we started talking about wedding bouquets when somebody mentioned to her, “Oh yeah, at your first wedding, you had these such and such flowers, right? What were they called??” The whole room stopped in my uncle freaked. They were locked in the bedroom for several hours, and it was a huge ordeal, and they almost didn’t survive.

  52. Fun-Insurance-3584 Avatar

    At least you know he can commit! /s

  53. MovieExact5433 Avatar

    Yeah, I was an affair partner for a few months and towards the end I found out I didn’t even know her real name the whole time.

  54. V4Vendetta75005 Avatar

    Don’t think of this as “confronting” him.
    This is not an argument between you.
    This is you checking out of the relationship because you don’t feel like you can trust him since he didn’t care to tell you something objectively important.
    Better cut your losses before you’ve invested too much.

  55. LeatherAmbitious1 Avatar

    A lot of people here are quick to suggest that this person is untrustworthy and that you should end the relationship, and while I agree that this is definitely off-putting, I think you need to understand why this was kept a secret. Asking why is not confrontational, you, as their partner, are entitled to know (especially if you are considering marriage). Sit down and say that you are giving them this opportunity to explain exactly what happened and why this was not brought up before. Gauge their response and go from there. Best of luck!