Hello All here,
tl;dr : I’m seeing behaviors in my partner that remind me of negative traits my father had, which triggers painful memories from my childhood. I feel dismissed when I bring it up, and our conversations about it don’t lead anywhere.
Lately, I’ve noticed that some of my partner’s behaviors really unsettle and upset me—mainly because they remind me so much of the traits my father had when I was a child, which I never liked. In fact, over time, I’ve grown to dislike those qualities even more.
We dated for a year before getting married, and while there were some issues we didn’t fully agree on, we decided to accept them and address things as they came up. Still, I didn’t notice these specific behaviors in her during our dating period. Now that they’ve surfaced, it’s extremely difficult for me—especially since I’ve spent my whole life resenting those traits in my father.
When I try to talk to her about my childhood trauma, she sometimes jokes that “everything must have happened only to me as a kid.” This makes me feel dismissed and misunderstood, especially since I’ve worked hard to recognize and acknowledge my own triggers—something I don’t feel she does for herself. It’s like talking to a wall or someone unwilling to go deeper.
Recently, we had a heart-to-heart where I shared my concerns, but she ended up crying and didn’t want to continue the conversation.
I’m at a loss about how to move forward and deal with this. I’d really appreciate any advice or guidance you can offer.
Comments
It would help if you said exactly what she does. Is it just that she’s dismissive?
It’s not really possible to judge based on your post, since rather curiously you’ve failed to mention what this behavior actually is.
In the general case though, this seems to be a lot more about the association with your father rather than the behaviors themselves. That being the case, it can easily come across as you projecting that onto your partner, which wouldn’t be especially fair to her. So it would be understandable that she isn’t really very receptive to that. Again though, with so little actual detail, there isn’t much we can reasonably say about this.
3 things.
It’s not unusual that we’re unconsciously attracted to people who remind us of our childhood, whether it was good or bad things. Sometimes the brain tend to be less scared of the unknown than the “known” even though the known was bad. That’s the reason why it’s so hard to get out of traumatic memories : it happens that we unconsciously put ourselves back in the same situations again and again. In the order to break the cycle, people have to open the box of their past, dig into it and clean it. It’s a long and tiring process, which often requires the guidance and support from a psychologist.
It’s totally understandable that you’re trying to get your partner involved in that process, or at least you’re trying to share with her. I’m not sure what you’re intention is though : you to feel supported, or her to change? Keep in mind that not defining a clear intention before this kind of emotionally heavy discussion can be counter productive. Did she ask for anything? Why do you want to share with her especially? Do you want to change her?
You were evasive about the traits you don’t like / that remind you of your father. Can you elaborate on them? Especially : are we talking about traits linked to the way they speak, behave, are they intentional, how often it happens etc