Ok so this is about to be a lot lol but I reallllyyy need advice and opinions.
I am 23F my partner is 21M, we’ve been together just over two years. My brother (who was 21M) and my best friend (also 21M) both passed away very suddenly and tragically just over a month ago.
Lately things have been so difficult. Not difficult like, we’re done for. If anything, I feel so much more secure than I ever did before. We talked about getting engaged last night & how we’re ready.
Its just, lately he’s been picking up on allll my slack. I feel very guilty. I feel he deserves to have a better partner. And by that I don’t mean leaving me.
I want to open our relationship for him, we can be poly and he could have another partner to support him through this grieving process. And then we can still get married and have our babies like we planned.
The thing is. We’ve been open-ish in the past and it’s always been very difficult for me personally. I think him having another partner would eat me alive.. but he deserves it, I feel this way so strongly. I feel like if he doesn’t find another person to make better memories with, the guilt is just gonna eat me alive.
I’m just not sure what to do right now. Any thoughts on this?
Also, if anyone’s been through a grieving process and stayed together, I would love any tips or advice you can extend. We are so young. I’m not worried about us not working out, the way we’ve been functioning lately just confirms to me he’s my life partner. But any ideas on some things I/we can do to make this process more manageable?
TLDR: my brother & my best friend passed away, wanting to open my relationship for my partners sake
Comments
It sounds like you’re going through a lot right now. It’s commendable that you’re thinking of ways to support your partner through this difficult time. Remember to also take care of yourself and communicate openly with each other. Wishing you strength and healing as you navigate this challenging period.
I’m so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you’re considering opening the relationship out of guilt, not true desire. Since you admit it would eat you alive, it’s likely not the right solution. Your partner is stepping up because he loves you, not because he needs someone else. Instead of sacrificing your own well-being, focus on supporting each other through grief. Therapy could help, but please don’t think you’re failing him—he needs you, even in your pain.
Let me get this right….you want to have an open relationship to deal with grief? Ok you are not ready for marriage because you’re not mature enough. Other people can not fill your empty holes. You have to do that alone. I would suggest a good psychologist for you both to talk to separately. Sometimes the best advice is not nice advice. Run from these thoughts quickly because they are not running concurrently. If you want an open relationship fine. Just don’t do it for grief. Fix the grief then choose open or closed relationship.
DO NOT give the okay for either of you sleeping around. That’s a terrible idea. You’re having a hard time because you’re grieving, it’s his responsibility to support you through that time. That’s part of being a couple. There will come a time when his loved ones pass and he will need you. This is a knee-jerk reaction and you will absolutely resent it down the line. DO NOT EVEN CONSIDER DOING THIS!!!
you need Jesus
An open relationship is only something you should do if you both truly want it. It is a recipe for disaster otherwise. Relationships should be 50/50 effort, but it won’t be 50/50 all the time. Sometimes one person needs more support and the other person steps up, and that’s NORMAL AND OKAY. You’re going through a lot! You deserve to have someone take care of you. If he didn’t want to do it, he wouldn’t. Please, please get yourself into therapy if you’re not already, both for the grief and to understand why you feel so uncomfortable with accepting your partner’s love.
First, I’m so sorry for your loss. That’s a lot, and I’m sending love and comfort your way.
Second, this is not the time to make huge relationship decisions. There are far too many emotions for you to work through right now. I absolutely encourage you to get some therapy to work through them all.
Right now is the time to focus on yourself and your grief. Opening the relationship out of guilt for your partner will only hurt you more, and honestly, if he was open to doing that right now, he wouldn’t be a good partner.
Getting engaged is exciting, but right now, again, you should not make huge relationship decisions. You don’t know how these tragic passings are going to change you or your relationship. Give it some time, work through the grief, and see where you both are after you feel a little more grounded.
I’m sorry abt your suffering. I understand that you’re trying to “repay” your partner but this isn’t the time. You’re admittedly and obviously still in the process of grieving—no big decisions should be made in that time. My therapist always said to give it 6 months. Taking a monogamous relationship and opening it up is a big step—even if you’ve dabbled before. You’ve already stated that you have a hard time with it AND you’re already suffering now with your losses—don’t punish yourself to save face with your partner. They’re supporting you because that’s what good partners do. If you open things up right now it’s going to end up letting resentment and more stress in when you’re already stressed out. They want to go the distance with you as things are—don’t complicate it, especially while you’re grieving. Good luck
Don’t open your relationship if you know it will broke you down.
You are in your worst (double grief) but he chose to be with you, support you and help your the best he can.
That’s a keeper.
Right now, you are not thinking clearly. You seem to have this idea that by him picking up the slack during a time of grief means you’re somehow less. And honey that’s nonsense. He’s doing what any good partner should do – he is giving you the space to go through your emotions, to deal with your grief. This doesn’t mean you have to repay him. And most certainly not by doing something you aren’t invested in. Poly is not the answer. And that would be the case whether you were grieving or not. Put this open relationship nonsense aside.
Grieve. Heal. Continue to work on your relationship. As in the one that is just between you and him.
You are both in a bad place mentally . Adding the insecurities of another lover in the mix will only make the issues worse . You do not need to look to someone else to fix your issues . Seek professional help counseling instead . There is always an odd man out when dealing with three people . Don’t do it .
Don’t do it cause it will never be the same you will hurt each other so deeply and it will always be in your mind that someone eles touch and cared for him doing things you do together and he will do the same destroying what you have.I know your grieving lost of a brother a bf and its so hard I know I lost mine but let him comfort you he loves you And you love him then do just that love each other and be happy it’s okay to be happy they wouldent want you to not be happy
If you open the relationship and cause more pain for yourself, it will only take you that much longer to heal, thus causing your partner to support you through that process for longer as well.
I’m curious why you seem intent on punishing yourself? Are you having survivors guilt since your brother and best friend both passed and you’re still here? Are you feeling somehow responsible for their deaths?
You said your partner is also grieving – has he asked you to open the relationship? Perhaps consider the impact that it may have on him if you push him towards distractions instead of allowing him to also process his grief alongside you.
You are young, so perhaps you have yet to learn this for yourself – Not all “good memories” are happy memories. Sometimes, a good memory is somebody just being present with you on one of your darkest nights. That moment when you realized you weren’t alone. Sometimes a “good memory” is navigating a storm together, and coming out on the other side of it – battered, but alive.
These are the moments I look back and cherish, not some casual, fun fling or first date. It can be tempting to try to protect those we love from any level of suffering, but by doing so, we inadvertently rob them of their opportunities for great personal growth.
Despite being well-intentioned, this is fundamentally unfair and can be quite damaging. It sends a message that we protect them because we don’t have faith in their capabilities to handle harsh realities. This message can become internalized, and they can begin to feel like their lives are vapid and shallow – like there’s a sense of falseness to it; it feels disingenuous and disconnected.
You and your partner are grieving – allow yourselves to do that. I’ve heard it said that grief is really just love with no place to go – a kind of “love constipation” if you will. The pain doesn’t really fade, but you do become better able to manage it. I’m so incredibly sorry you’re having to navigate so much right now . ❤️❤️❤️
You are in the middle of a grieving process. Don’t make any rash or big decisions like this. I’d wait a few months to see how these ideas change.
No honey. Don’t open the relationship. In a relationship there’s going to be give and take. Sometimes the couple is 50/50 sometimes not. It’s like the tides, ebb and flow. And that’s natural. It builds relationship strength, if the need and love are both there. Don’t bring another person in to disrupt what actually strengthens a authentic relationship . (I’ll give my credentials to support my recommendation-married 43 years, through parental tumult, many major illnesses, 2 college degrees, family tradegies. ) It can deepen the bond in an already good rel6.