Hi all,
I’m in a loving but emotionally confusing relationship and need some perspective.
My partner and I are working towards a future together — living together, getting married, all of it. We’ve come a long way, and we both genuinely love each other. But something recently happened that’s made me feel sad and deeply unsure.
My birthday just passed (that matters to me a lot), and I was hoping to feel celebrated, cherished, seen. I was also hoping to feel emotionally held — because I’m currently preparing to tell my very conservative religious family about our relationship, which is a massive, terrifying step that could change everything for me. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with that pressure and needed to feel grounded in “us.”
A week before the occasion, he started sending me a few present ideas (shoes, then jewelry). I gave him some options, but then nothing happened. On the day of, he sent a few more links. And by that point, I just felt flat. We were still scrambling. Still figuring it out. No gift, no plans outside of a dinner that I had previously helped organize.
To be clear — there was a sweet, heartfelt card at midnight, and I cried reading it. He also scrambled to book a lunch at a restaurant we love on my bureau. But it came last-minute, and I had to cancel part of my day to make it work. And the night before, when I came over, he was still working late, and there was just a takeaway and a store-bought cake. Again, not cold or cruel — just unconsidered. Just like… an afterthought. Especially considering what I’m about to emotionally face.
The thing is — I know he’s capable of more. He’s shown up for me before. He is cutting a family holiday short soon to be with me when I come back from telling my family, and I deeply appreciate that. That’s a huge act of love.
But I’m noticing this emotional pattern: he tends to show up after I’m already hurting. After I’ve cried. After I’ve spelled it out. There’s rarely any foresight — rarely a sense of emotional planning, or proactive love. He’s overwhelmed with work right now, and I get that — his job has been chaotic. But still… isn’t emotional attentiveness part of partnership too?
He recently got defensive when I brought this up. He said he’s tired of feeling like he has to “scramble” to meet my expectations, that he did plan some things, and that he shows me love every day. He made it sound like I’m ungrateful or punishing him, which hurt — because that’s not where I’m coming from. I’m not trying to weaponize this. I’m trying to express a need that feels invisible.
I want to feel like I’m not the only one emotionally carrying the weight — like I won’t always have to explain what I need in the moments that matter most. I want to feel like I’ll be cherished before the breakdown, not only after it. I want to feel like I have a partner who thinks ahead, who considers what I might be feeling, who plans with my emotions in mind — not just reacts after.
This is someone I genuinely love and want to build with. But I’m scared. I’m scared that I’m stepping into something long-term with a person who just isn’t wired to be emotionally intuitive or proactive. And that maybe I’ll spend my life feeling a little forgotten unless I speak up every time.
Thanks for reading.
⸻
TL;DR:
I love my partner, and we’re building a life together. But during a time when I really needed emotional support — while preparing to do something deeply hard — he barely planned anything for a big milestone moment. He showed love in small, delayed ways, but I was left feeling like an afterthought. This seems to be a pattern: he only shows up after I cry or explain my needs. I’m scared of a future where I’m constantly overcompensating or feeling unseen unless I spell things out. Am I asking for too much?