Me 29F – Him 41M
My partner has always been pretty passive in our relationship. We’ve been together for about 1.5 years, and during that time he’s never really taken initiative to plan anything – like outings, activities, dinner dates, etc. That responsibility has always fallen on me, even from the very beginning when we started dating.
At some point, I accepted that this is just how he is as a person. But he used to send me sweet little messages during the day, and those texts made me feel seen and appreciated. They always brightened my day. But over the past 6 months, even those messages have stopped.
I’ve mentioned a few times how much they meant to me and how happy they made me, and he usually just responds with “okay” – but then nothing changes.
Lately, I’ve been feeling a strong need to see some kind of engagement or effort from him – not just me carrying all of it. Whether it’s planning something small or sending a sweet text just to show that I’m still on his mind during the chaos of everyday life.
I brought this up with him yesterday – gently and calmly – and told him how much it would mean to me to get a little sweet message now and then. I reminded him how happy those small gestures made me in the past. He said he understood and that he’d think about it. The conversation wasn’t tense or emotional.
I gave him a kiss and went to brush my teeth before bed. When I came back out, he was just staring at the ceiling. I asked him how he was feeling and he quietly said, “fine.”
We went to bed, and usually we cuddle or say goodnight in some affectionate way. But this time, he just laid there, completely silent, staring at the ceiling. I gave it some time, but after like 15 minutes I felt really uncomfortable, so I asked him if I’d done something wrong by bringing up what we had talked about earlier.
He got irritated and snapped, “No, just leave me alone.”
That really hurt. I told him I didn’t understand why he was upset or shutting down. Eventually I said, “It feels like I’m being punished just for expressing a need.”
He responded, “I just want to be left alone, you should understand that when I lie here like this.”
I said, “Please, if you need space, just give me a heads up so I know that’s what it is. I can’t read your mind.”
Then he said: “I don’t know if this is working. If you’re not happy with who I am, I don’t see how this can ever work.”
That broke me. Just the day before, he had said he wanted to build a life with me.
I asked, “What am I supposed to believe? Yesterday you said things felt good, and now you say it will never work?”
He kept repeating, “It won’t work. We don’t work. It’ll never be good between us.”
So I asked, “Do you want to end things because of this?”
And he said: “Yes.”
⸻
I’m honestly in shock. I don’t understand how it escalated to that just from me expressing a basic emotional need.
Deep down, I feel like I was treated unfairly – like I expressed something very human and reasonable, and he couldn’t handle it.
Now I’m swinging between grief and total confusion.
I have no idea how to process any of this.
If anyone has some perspective or guidance… I’d really appreciate it. It feels incredibly dark right now
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I’m sorry. Wanting affection is fair
His reaction says more about him
You deserve someone who values you
You feel treated unfairly because you were treated unfairly. And that sucks. You did exactly what you needed to, which was to tell him what you wanted and needed to feel loved and secure. Don’t let a guy like this keep you from continuing to do so in future relationships. He sounds incredibly emotionally immature, if it wasn’t this, it would likely be about something else later on. Keep your head up!
Congrats on dodging a bullet. He was looking for someone who builds the relationship around him, not for someone who builds one with him.
Possibly why he was looking for someone so much younger.
Hey, sorry to hear that this is happening to you. Being the same gender myself, here are some of the things I can think of that can be going in his mind
What could help this situation that I can think of is – showing support for what he is trying to do, appreciation for his efforts, trying to level up to his mindset, or try to level up his to yours, talking about the future goals and aligning yours to close to his so that it creates a synergy. Understanding what can be changed to aid the situation, (if nothing changes then nothing changes), Having these conversation in a calm and supporting way, so that it does feel like a team effort (rather than a threat)
Sorry, I dont mean to confuse you just sharing as a man what could be going on in his head. I really hope things workout for the best for both of you.
edit: Goes without saying, even after trying your best things dont change, then you deserve better
He perceived it as a criticism of him and decided he didn’t want to have to deal with it.
The question is why did the messages start tailing off in the first place? Was it just too much for him?
His reaction shows he either has the emotional intelligence of a toddler or he is manipulative enough in his behaviour to ‘punish’ you for expressing your feelings to make sure you don’t do it again.
Either way, this is not a man I’d want to build a sand castle with let alone a future..
My god, what a dork. Why are you trying to gentle parent a 40 year old?
People who endlessly repeat the mantra ‘take me as I am or not at all’ are being selfish and naive. I take my partner exactly as he is, of course, but MY needs fluctuate and sometimes I need more of this bit and less of that bit, or whatever. This is true for EVERYBODY. To be a good partner, you have to be able to listen to what someone else wants and needs and be flexible and adapt (compromise). Not give yourself up entirely either, but the perfect match is someone for whom you’re right enough most of the time, and when they need the life wiggles of more this / less that, those changes still align with who you are. Kind of like being a car on a road. The car is you at that moment, the road is all of you, every aspect. As long as what your partner needs means you can veer left or right, but not go off road completely, you’re good. This guy doesn’t sound willing to be anything other than the car. There’s no room for manoeuvre. That’s definitely not good for you, and it’s not good for him either because nobody will be able to have their needs met by him long-term if he’s this rigid. You’re better off without him lovely.
Its hard because hes living at my place and dont have a own place to move back to.. so right now i dont want to go back home because i cant really stand the silent treatment hes giving me right now. He just went to work this morning, without saying anything, he hasnt text me or anything. All silence. it hurts in my stomach to know that hes coming home after work and will ignore me in my own home.. I want to travel away because i have holiday now for 7 weeks but the holidaymoney have i put on plans togheter with him so i cant really go nowhere
sorry for my bad english