Hi Reddit,
I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 4 years now. She’s a wonderful person in many ways, and we’ve recently started talking seriously about having children. In fact, she really wants kids — and I think I do too. But there’s one major issue that’s making me seriously doubt everything.
She has rheumatoid arthritis (RA) — she’s had it since before I met her. From early on, I’ve tried to support her in managing it: I’ve encouraged her to take her medication, stay physically active, and eat a healthier diet. But over the years, she’s consistently ignored all of this. She rarely, if ever, follows through on any of it. She’s not taking medication regularly, doesn’t exercise, and eats poorly.
About 6 months ago, we made an agreement: we would start trying for a baby, but she promised that she would finally start taking care of her health. This included starting her medication again, improving her diet, and doing some form of exercise. She gave me her word. Based on that promise, I agreed to start trying for a child with her.
Now it’s been half a year, and we’re not pregnant — but more importantly, she hasn’t followed through on any of what we agreed on. No medication, no exercise, no real changes at all. She keeps saying she’ll get around to it, but nothing happens. I feel like I’ve been misled, or that I’m the only one treating this like a serious decision. (She is super mad at me right now because I want to stop trying to get her pregnant)
So here’s where I’m stuck:
• Is it wrong of me to insist on this?
• What does it say about our future if she continues like this — especially with a child in the picture?
I’m scared that if we have a kid, I’ll end up carrying all the responsibility: for the baby, for the house, and even for her if her condition worsens (which is likely without treatment). I’m worried that this pattern of avoidance and broken promises won’t stop — and that I’ll grow resentful or burnt out trying to keep everything afloat on my own.
I love her, but I’m starting to wonder if love is enough here.
What would you do in my shoes?
Comments
Honestly this is a couples therapy worthy issue. You’re not wrong in how you’re feeling, and it sounds like a big part of her wants to but can’t follow through which I wonder the root cause reasoning behind. I think I’d take this one to therapy with her.
It sounds harsh but I wouldn’t want to have kids with someone who I couldn’t trust to take care of themselves. I think your fears are very valid here.
I would date with a goal of marriage, and not date anyone I didn’t see myself possibly marrying in the future. Statistically, if you live together before marriage you’re more likely to divorce. The fact that you haven’t gotten married yet says a lot about how you feel about her.
None of what you’re describing sounds ideal for the child. This isn’t about you or your girlfriend. Its It’s about the child. Adults wants and desires take a backseat to children’s needs. If she can’t take care of herself she can’t take care of a kiddo.
NTA. Taking care of a child is hard work, and most people will feel moments of resentment towards their partner even if they are wonderful and a true co-parent. But you don’t want to put yourself in a situation where resentment will take over the relationship.
If your girlfriend is unwilling to do the things she needs to do in order to take care of herself and show up for you and a potential child, then you should not have a child with her.
I would say you’re not wrong for insisting on this. I’m actually someone who has an autoimmune disease, so I can see from both lenses. From your end, you are correct, if she doesn’t prioritize her health, she won’t be able to contribute to caring for the child and you will carry the bulk of the responsibility.
From her perspective, she’s probably afraid and won’t admit it. After I had my first child, my husband had to do everything. We got pregnant rather quickly after getting married and I was trying to work on my health during the pregnancy, but there was only so much I could do. After the pregnancy, my husband straight up asked me did I want to just leave the both of them if I would no longer be here because I refuse to take my health seriously. And if he and my son not enough for him. When I thought about it, I had been battling with my health for so long, I actually got comfortable being sick. I no longer knew what health looked like and the thought of being a completely different person scared me. So once I did some therapy, I actively worked on it. We went on to have 3 more children and my autoimmune has been dormant for 6 years now.
So if I were you, I wouldn’t give in just because she really wants a baby, she has some things she needs to work on, but she has to be willing to do it. Perhaps she hates taking pills, I was taking 20+ pills a day, so I chose to go the holistic route. Whatever she decides, she needs to dig deep. And maybe therapy will help her.
I hope this helps you.
Run Forrest Run!
NTA – don’t have any babies as long as you have any doubts.
You didn’t say her age, but I have a good friend with RA. Her meds are constantly adjusting, cause if she’s on something too long it stops working and she’s miserable. She can’t possibly feel good, unless the disease just hasn’t fully kicked in for her.
If she’s not taking care of it now, she’s not going to have any quality of life when she’s older. I wouldn’t have a baby with this woman.
She most definitely needs to take care of herself for her own health and a future baby as well, health issues are no joke lots of complications can happen if we don’t take our health seriously, have you guys discussed marriage or do you two own a home together? I ask because if she’s not taking anything seriously like her health, do you two have any other issues in the relationship also that need to be worked on before bringing a child into this world is a big discussion that needs to be discussed before you two keep trying to have a baby.
You didn’t say her age, but I have a good friend with RA. Her meds are constantly adjusting, cause if she’s on something too long it stops working and she’s miserable. She can’t possibly feel good, unless the disease just hasn’t fully kicked in for her.
If she’s not taking care of it now, she’s not going to have any quality of life when she’s older. I wouldn’t have a baby with this woman.
NTA. Please do not have kids at this moment. Try for couple therapy. She ignores her health because she doesn’t consider it important. Once kids come into the picture, she may completely ignore her health and put the kids first priority. Or she may ignore both, herself and the kids. Either way, it’s a dangerous game as kids are tiny humans. They are completely dependent on parents.
If she can’t take care of herself how will she take care of a child? She needs to want to look after herself, you can’t want it for her. YYA if you have a baby with her, she has shown you her truth. Don’t ignore it!
NTA. She can’t take care of her own health and you are gonna trust her with the health of an infant?
RA is no joke. It’s only going to get worse without an immunosuppressant. The pain, fatigue and joint damage can be very severe and she’s foolish (harsh but true) to ignore it now while she has the ability to slow the progression. Do you go to appointments with her? If not, you should. And ask the doctor what the prognosis looks like for her. Ask how pregnancy might affect the disease progression. Is it even safe to get pregnant on immunosuppressants?
I don’t think you’re being too harsh. I had gestational diabetes during my pregnancy. This has the potential to cause complications for the baby. I had to change my eating habits drastically and exercise after dinner. I had to test my blood sugars 3x a day and keep a food log to identify which foods caused spikes, then eliminate them from my diet. I did not need to go on insulin, but if that were the case, I would have also had to manage that on top of the medications I already was taking.
If your girlfriend does get pregnant and then develops GD like I did, do you think she would take those steps, based on what you just described in your post?
NTA. Sorry you’re going thru this.
Pregnancy has a toll on the body as it is. If there’s a prior condition and she doesn’t want take care of herself, it means it would make it harder during the pregnancy. Also it might be harder to even get pregnant to being with
So you are NTA for insisting on it, not at all
Nope very bad. I have ra but I have kids because I was in great shape at the time it’s hard but can be done
If she can’t take care of herself, is she depressed? And will be she able to take care of a child if she is and if she can’t take care of herself?
As a mother of 3, plus 3 step children, taking care of children is not easy. You sacrifice a lot for your children and forget to take care of yourself often, if she’s already not good at this things could get worse quickly as it’s no picnic having and raising a child.
Insist on therapy to help her understand why her health is important to having children and how she needs to take care of herself for them. Right now she has zero intention with doing anything to help herself. You can’t have children with someone like that.
OP, my FIL has RA as well, and he did the same thing your girlfriend is doing, not properly taking care of it. He is now paying the price and can not even turn his head, and has to make sure when he buys a truck it’s the fancy $90k with all the cameras so he can still back up because it is so bad, he’s been considering back surgery to try to remedy it because it now causes him to get dizzy and sick for days.
Yes it sucks, remembering medication, having to go for a run, lifting some weights, they’re all chores.
YOU CAN NOT HELP PEOPLE WHO DO NOT WANT TO HELP THEMSELVES.
If you are having doubts about this and have tried and tried to help her to no avail, but you want a family and kids, maybe it’s time to break it off so you can spend time looking for someone to have a family with.
NTA
You know your partner so if you think you’ll be taking care of the kid all alone then you probably will. But also think about the life that kid will have with an ailing mom who won’t take care of herself and a run down dad. A child isn’t just a fun toy to play with – they’re a real human being who will grow and learn from you and who will need you to care for men whether you’re tired or mad at your wife or not. It’s a lot.
Make the right choice
Nta
NTA and love is not enough. Raising a child takes a lot of work, communication, patience and team work between a couple. It doesn’t sound like you have all of those in place. I also want to add, if she’s not taking care of herself now, it’s way harder after you have a baby bc time is so limited.
It’s not her fault that she has RA, but it is her fault for not trying to take care of her own health. I would seriously reconsider having a baby with this woman bc you will be tied to her forever once a child is born, and so will an innocent child.
As someone with a lazy mom, where when I became disabled and she neglected me I would advise making kids with this woman. A lazy mom can mean ur kids get neglected especially if something happens to u or both of u. U had 4 years and personally I woulda dipped in a yr if she kept breaking g promises. U don’t wanna get sick and she has to take care of u and the kids and possibly kills 1 them or u
Let her be. Stop the what ifs. Have a kid and try to enjoy the life that is 5 feet in front of you, not worrying about a life that is a mile down the road
NTA – as someone who had a baby 9 months ago who also had an underlying condition (and am still trying to recover from the labor), I have to say your concerns are very valid.
Not only will your life change after welcoming a baby into the world but your girlfriend’s labor/health/recovery may not be as expected either.
So there is a good chance you not only will have to look after the baby as expected but your girlfriend’s health/recovery may get worse/take longer.
You should not go through with having children with her until she takes care of herself first, at least for a year. I’m assuming her RA is not bad if she can be without medication.
Also you two should look into pregnancy symptoms for someone struggling with RA.
Her symptoms may get worse as the pregnancy progresses or she needs to switch medications because it may not be safe during pregnancy and may some cause harm to the baby.
Personally reading your post your girlfriend sounds very immature and careless. If I were you I would not want to have children with someone like this. You’d end up taking care of the child and her as well. It doesn’t sound like she sees anything is wrong with her behavior and most likely won’t change.
NTA. I have Lupus. I have to take 1 tablet a day, and for the most part, everything is under control. Yes, I still get the occasional flare-up up but nowhere near the amount as before I was on medication. But I have noticed the older I get the more painful the flare-ups are.
Personally, I would walk away from this relationship. You will end up being the primary caregiver. Not just for any kids you may have but for your GF too. The older she gets, the worse her body is going to break down, especially if she isn’t taking care of herself.
Love isn’t enough. You need someone willing to love for their children, not die.
Rheumatoid arthritis is a serious condition that requires medication and ongoing involvement with doctors. Not dealing with that is a big red flag. I would not have children with someone who is so irresponsible about their health.
What? Does she even go to the doctor? Why the heck would you actively try with a person who hasn’t consistently been taking care of herself at least a year or more before trying for a baby? Whose insurance takes care of her and if she got pregnant? You aren’t married so you are not legally tied to this. This is a huge mistake and you are not being fair to a possible innocent baby. Has she even discussed this with her doctor? Does she even go? Stop having sex to try having a baby. This is a bad idea all around and I think you are making a mistake you will regret.
I think it’s a reasonable request. You are asking her to show she can look after herself, before throwing another human in the mix. The diet can be hard for anyone, but the meds? How is she doing without them? My dad has RA and if he misses his meds by even a short window, he is in massive pain. And completely non functional. He can’t put on his own socks without his meds. But with them, it’s like a miracle. So with that seared into my brain, I don’t know how she is even remotely capable of going without her meds.
NTA how is she going to take care of a baby if she can’t take care of herself first
You have to take therapy. I am chronically disabled myself and want kid. It’s very difficult to help yourself because 9 out of 10 it doesn’t work even if you do everything you should. So sometimes it’s difficult. Maybe try couple therapie to find what could help you and motivate her.
I have RA, I got it straight after the birth of my one and only child. It’s a really really crap disease. I tried ALL the things over the years, medication, different diets, organic, grass fed, carnivore, paleo, exercise, no exercise. For me anyway none of it made a difference at all. A lot of the meds for RA make you feel sick, wreck your bones, do all sorts of other things. Her not taking her meds or trying the things you suggest may not just be because she doesn’t want to. I think you both should do some counseling. Pregnancy can put some people into remissions for years but it can also make it worse. I’m doing the best I have in years but my husband has been so amazing and supportive and we have had supportive family too because a few years back I was so sick I needed more help with my Bub. Wishing you all the best
Whether you have the right to insist or not, she agreed to it and gave her word and now she’s gone back on it. At worst that makes her a liar and at best that makes her unable to commit to promises that she made.
I completely understand why you would not want to have children and I don’t blame you at this point. Talk to her and find out exactly why she’s not following through. Is she forgetting? Maybe setting an alarm on her phone to take her medicine would help her remember? Is she worried about the effects of treatment on a pregnancy? Would talking to a doctor help her?
I would definitely not proceed with trying to have a child until you have this situation figured out, it’s pretty big, especially the fact that she’s not keeping to her word. I am not saying to break up with her, maybe there’s a solution to whatever the problem is. Honestly before you brought a whole child into this world because you will be connected until that child is at least 18 and you will be financially responsible until that child is 18 to 21 depending on your state, maybe get a dog and see if she is reliable with taking care of that? Obviously a dog and a child are not equivalent but just to see that she can handle responsibility.
I do understand her point of view, I have a chronic illness that at most I can hope send them to hiding but it will probably be with me until I die, and often times I get fatigued with taking care of it and I just don’t want to. But this is not something simple like getting a plant to decorate the living room, this is talking about bringing another human life into this world.
I have 6 kids. Yes, six. That being said, you are NOT wrong for being concerned about her autoimmune condition. My pregnancies caused autoimmune issues to crop up. Having a baby takes A LOT out of you physically. Your nutrients and energy are depleted. I get deficient in several things when I’m pregnant, iron, B12, magnesium, b complexes, potassium, sodium, etc. and this only exacerbates autoimmune issues and pain.
Do not, I repeat, do not have kids if she is not willing to handle her health issues. I’m the type to keep fighting for my health and to find solutions to help myself. But the truth is that there’s only so much you can do, so throw in kids and it’s even more difficult. You don’t have the time usually to manage children and your health unless you have a great support system. You are NOT the AH. Your concerns are valid.
If you’re already thinking about how you may resent her in the future, you’re already experiencing resentment now. The best option is to be 100% honest because imagine having a kid standby and watch your family fall apart…you’ll wish you had handled this now. Best wishes to you!
I have RA and was diagnosed after my first child was born. After my second child I had some remission, and my disease was not severe. (I still took my meds regularly)But, the damage is still at work without the medication and after my third child I was having more difficulty keeping the symptoms manageable.
There’s nothing like trying to run after a 2 year old who manages to get away from you, and my knees were so inflamed I couldn’t run after him as he bolted down the street. If my neighbor hadn’t seen what was happening, he might not have snatched my boy out of the path of a car backing out of a driveway. There’s definitely challenges and you never know what course a degenerative disease might take over the next 5,10, 20 years and how mobile you might be. Following the treatment plan is the best course for long term management. I’m lucky that I’m only starting to have much more limited range of movement and other components. Many people in my position are much worse.
NTA.
I hear RA is no joke and extremely painful. Her body will go through so much more pain while pregnant. Babies take calcium from your bone… so having a disease that affects your bones and joints would probably be so so difficult. Let alone after child birth. If she can’t take her own health seriously now, what about when she’s pregnant or a new mum?
I agree to what someone said about couples therapy… but also if you wanted to end the relationship, you wouldn’t be wrong. It’s a lot of pressure on you and you alone to carry the burden of taking care of everyone in the situation.
I’m not sure she really wants a baby. My best friend really wants one, but due to life circumstances had to postpone starting her family in 2018 (her husband was hit head on by drunk driver four months after their wedding) he survived but has serious health issues, she is currently 38 and going through hell
She’s completely changed her diet, (she has some mild endometriosis I believe) husband has also changed his diet, she’s changed her medication, she is getting needles to help stimulate her eggs, she passes out when something pierces her skin, she can’t even wear earrings
But she is doing all of this because she wants a child. I think she’s nuts putting herself through this hell. The meds she’s on make her moody and causes body aches but she’s still doing it. She switched doctors cuz her first one was an idiot (second doctor’s words and hers)
This is her last attempt, and it’s being funding by the government (the other failed attempts were out of pocket/through her insurance)
Your partner doesn’t sound like she wants to put any effort in and thinks it’s going to magically happen
You also need to ask yourself if you want to have a child with someone who can’t even put in the bare minimum effort here. Is she going to put off taking the clearly sick chick to the doctor? Is she going to put off taking them to get a cast for their broken arm?
Is she trying to tell you something? Maybe she wants to be married before committing to anything with you? You two need a deep conversation.
My partner said they would start eating vegetables when the child was born. It’s been four years… sure, children are certainly a reason to prioritize our own health, but if someone hasn’t been doing it for themselves, they likely won’t do it for anyone else, including their children.
As a sufferer of RA – she needs to get on top of managing her symptoms for a better quality of life.
I am on my 4th medication for RA in 16yrs as my body stopped tolerating 2 of them and the 3rd wasn’t giving me enough support for symptoms.
I’m on my own journey to try and get pregnant, and honestly, I couldn’t imagine being on it if my symptoms were not under control. You need to try to take partner to a joint therapy session as it sounds like there could be more going on with her than just physical symptoms- there’s times my self worth and confidence in myself is in the toilet, and those can be major stumbling blocks to self care and wanting to be on top of everything. In the session will be a safe place for you to air your concerns, and get guidance & support for how to raise the topic without either side getting defensive. Wishing you the best of luck. Internet friend as of today x
I have an autoimmune disease (PsA) and two kids and it’s no joke. My medication allows me to be a decent mum, without it I can’t get down on the floor to play, I can’t sleep due to pain, I can’t take them to the park, I can’t do all the fiddly crafts they want me to. She needs to sort her health out first, because pregnancy can really do a number on you. My disease is brilliantly controlled during pregnancy, but as soon as the baby is born, it flares up massively. Thankfully this time the medication has done it’s job and kept my flare to a minimum.
Get her to see a doctor, get a plan in place for keeping the disease controlled, a plan for what to do should she fall pregnant, and go from there.
I hate to say this but I wouldn’t intentionally have kids with a partner whose disease can’t yet be cured but only managed. I say this as the autoimmune patient.
YTA. First of all she is just your girlfriend and you are still questioning the relationship. Why is it that you think it’s a good idea to try for a baby, something that will require the two of you to maintain some sort of a relationship for at least the next 18 years whether you like it or not? If you are not at a point where you are ready to marry her, you are not at a point where intentionally trying to make a baby is a good idea.
Being ready to be a parent is about being willing to put the child’s needs before your own and doing whatever it takes to be healthy and present for your child. A partner who refuses to even try to take care of their own chronic health condition in even the most basic way is not a partner you want to choose to be the mother of your children.
Here’s the thing for me.
Autoimmune diseases tend to get worse if you choose not to manage them. The chances of her RA getting worse with pregnancy and then afterwards is high. I’ve seen people in wheelchairs and significantly debilitated from it with its progression.
I think you need to ask yourself, will you do the bulk of the childcare, employment, and caring for her if hers gets worse purely because she can’t be bothered to take care of herself?
People should always be aware of their limitations. Me? I could care for a child with an illness etc, but I couldn’t care for a spouse that struggles to move every single day… especially due to their own hand.
You have a right to be concerned. She may not get pregnant if not healthy. Make sure her RA medication is safe with pregnancy. You do want her to share your health concerns. Are you both going to agree what a healthy diet is for a child? Is she going to breast feed? Do you eat a clean diet? I would get counseling if you want to see if this will work. Look up Mikhala Peterson and read her story about how she healed herself.
If she can’t look after herself how is she going to look after a child
I think you are absolutely on the right track. Does she not want to feel better overall? Plus autoimmune disease, particularly if left untreated, significantly affects fertility and she could be very unwell during the pregnancy if she does fall pregnant. It is wise to look out not only for her health, but her health during pregnancy and the ability to be a present and able parent afterwards. Of course no one can predict the turns health can take once a parent but she has a known and not-controlled disease so this is different to the future unknowns. Have her reasons for non-compliance been explored? This may take some counselling or therapy. Oh and by the way, love isn’t enough.
NTA.
Uff, she may not be feeling pain now, but the likelihood that her condition will worsen considerably after pregnancy is significant and the work involved to improve things at that stage takes a strong mindset. She will need guidance and support throughout.
You’ve shut down the trying to conceive, which is the best choice at this time. She needs move away from blame towards you and focus on herself and her longevity. She should speak with her doctor for a plan and work with them and qualified coaches to build a new set of habits. It’s called pre-pregnancy health. It’s very common now compared to just a postpartum focus, same as pre and post surgical. I work with both medical and I suppose you can call them “elective” clients. These are the ones working with me before they get BBLs, tummy tucks, etc. (The surgeons told them too because the muscles weren’t strong enough for the procedure, when I test the core of these women when they start with me, I can push my fingers uncomfortably far into their abdomen and they can’t tense the muscles to resist it).
You’re making the right choice here. I have a lot of clients with many different types of conditions and many of them only really started working on it when they were fully done having children. (Anywhere between 2-7 children).
In the cases of my clients it’s because the culture and education didn’t encourage focusing on their own health pre-pregnancy, now things have changed but it’s very late for many. The work they need to do now to live in a healthy way without pain is non-stop effort on their parts and my own.
Pregnancy is not a small/easy thing, some women don’t survive it. And our bodies are not like they were generations ago, they are weaker at a base level, we live much more sedentary lifestyles now, our food is not the same, there are sooo many pollutants in everything, even the air. This is changing how our bodies handle pregnancies without proper care.
Maybe start with therapy together to make sure you’re both on the same page and focused. Include the doctors and find a qualified coach to help on the physical side.
Please keep in mind that she likely is not prioritizing her health because she doesn’t deem herself worthy enough to do so. Not because she is lazy or anything of the sort.
But unfortunately this mindset as it is will follow her into motherhood and not just further affect her but also your child’s future perspective on their own health. This is a high stake situation so compassionately pushing her forward while maintaining boundaries is right response.
Best wishes to you both, OP!
Love is never enough.
If you are having these doubts and your gut is yelling at you to stop before it’s too late, it’s time to start listening.
I would hold her accountable.
She hasn’t done what she agreed to in order to become a parent.
So you are no longer trying to have a baby.
And now, you need to hold this boundary. Until she starts all of these things that she needs to do to take care of her health, you’re not trying again. And this time, she needs to be doing it for an amount of time that shows you it has become habit. I’d say at least three months.
If she can’t get to doing it, maybe you need to split up.
The reality of being the partner and co-parent of someone who lives with a chronic progressive disease, is that you may, at any moment, be required to become a care-giver to both partner and child, regardless of how well your partner look after their health. If you are not aware and accepting of this possibility, then you shouldn’t be thinking about kids.
Your ‘health-maintenance checklist’ smacks of ableism to me. Granted, we are all healthier when we eat well, work out, and take the right meds, but how she chooses to manage her health is up to her. She doesn’t need to be fixed, you just need to figure out if you’re up for the challenge (and it is challenging) of having a family with someone who is sick.
Listen, your body will basically forgive you for anything before you’re about 50, but in RA, you can decrease that to 40. She has to get a handle on her meds and foods, I wouldn’t press about weight, society puts enough pressure on women, and I don’t know what the weight situation is here. If you’re looking at BMI and she’s 20 pounds over, that’s far different than being morbidly obese.
That being said, pain will limit her ability to exercise. Meds for RA have significant scary medical side effects listed and informed consent is necessary.
Having children isn’t necessary, but on the other hand, your concern about caring for someone disabled is very real, and if you stay with her this will happen no matter what.
For Cimzia, a new monthly injectable, the side effects include tuberculosis (TB), bacterial sepsis, invasive fungal infections (such as histoplasmosis), and infections due to other opportunistic pathogens (such as Legionella or Listeria). That’s from the black box warning.
Evaluate this relationship and then either fully commit or get out.
Ew. If she refuses to take care of her health, its just silly to think she’d take care of a baby/child.
As someone with RA, it will never get better (without daily effort) and you will be caregiver.
If this is not your thing, it’s time to move on.
NTA – but to be honest if you’re that scared of her doing less work that you or getting worse enough for you to have to help her you shouldn’t be with a chronically ill person to begin with.
Even if she did everything you ask of her – she will get worse. There is no cure.
You can not control another human being . You can not control your gf. You can not control a child either. You can guide and teach a child. You can use natural consequences to teach a child, like, ‘if you continue to throw things on the floor when I say “stop” the thing will be taken away from you.’
It’s time for a natural consequences for your gf. With adults this is known as a boundary. You: ‘I can’t agree to have a child when we both can’t be 100% equal partners now and in the future when our health gets worse as we age.’ And you should consider breaking up so she can find a partner who fully accepts her, including her not taking care of her own health.
33 & diagnosed with seronegative RA this year-this means mine was very symptomatic but didn’t show up in my blood so I had go the route of MRI imaging for a diagnosis.
I also own a small business & am a mother of two who are 9 & 11. I realized there was a major issue (think debilitating joint paint, exhaustion) and it was a major process to seek diagnosis. If it weren’t for my husband showing up to pick up the slack I dropped, I don’t know how I would’ve gotten through.
It was worse when I started treatment until they got my meds right. There are still days I’m not functioning super well even though my meds are better-autoimmune disease will never look completely perfect even when it’s medicated correctly. You are not wrong for wanting her to seek treatment because RA is degenerative and can affect your heart & lungs aside from your joints.
Have you considered maybe she’s dragging her feet to seek treatment because she is concerned about the possibility of passing on her condition?
Aside from RA, I have a slew of other health issues that weren’t acknowledged until well after I had my kids. I’m crossing my fingers daily that neither of them inherited the shit side of my genetics.
So basically you’re afraid you’re gonna end up doing the things you happily expect your wife to do?
I get the broken promises part, it creates trust issues and makes you question her self respect. However, you kind of show your ass in that last part of your post.
RA is serious and even if she feels okay now, that can all go to hell pretty damn fast if she’s not taking her meds. It seems to me that she needs to have an appointment with a doctor who specialises in these kind of conditions, and really take in what they tell her. It would be ideal for you to go along so you get a deeper understanding, too.
You’re taking this more seriously than she is, and although it’s good you are being more realistic about it, your girlfriend really needs a wake-up call. She needs her medication to slow down the progress and severity, and she needs to get ahead on that before she’s even ready to consider getting pregnant. The stress that will put on her body alone is something she’s not prepared for.
NTA.
Get her tested for ADHD. Someone not following through with meds they really need to take might just be them struggling to take them, not them being lazy or forgetful. I’m no doctor so stay skeptical, but to me it sounds like an ADHD brain struggling with too many tasks.
Which literally leaves us doing absolutely nothing. We even procrastinate fun things and things we really want to do. It’s no lack of discipline, it’s a malfunction. Reward system doesn’t work. Motivation doesn’t work. Whatever’s works for you to get things done, won’t work for her. ADHD people don’t even get the dopamine rush after sport sessions. Which is necessary to enjoy sports. That’s why we tend to reward ourselves through physical stuff like buying things or lil treats in snack form. I‘m generalising it a lot but you get the picture.
ESH. I get why you’re worried but I don’t think blackmailing her with children is the way. Focus on the issue and leave kids out of it.
You’re not wrong. And honestly, even though I’m not generally a fan of ultimatums and think they don’t belong in a healthy relationship, I feel like a “no unprotected sex until you take your health seriously” ultimatum should be at place here.
Are you talking at all about getting married and spending the rest of your lives together too?
The baby thing is not all there is to discuss and look at. What I would do if I was in your shoes is evaluate more than just the issue of kids, but all the vision and values of what a life would be like in all areas of a partnership.
Even if you have no plans to get married, got through some articles with these types of questions and really discuss them. If she is not really pursuing her health, and has problems following through on things, where else does that show up in life….
Find a feew articles like this and for yourself even, go through and think about all of these and if you can, have a discussion and talk about all of these with your partner to see if you are on the ame page with everything and want the same goals.
https://www.joelatuga.com/blog/50-questions-to-ask-yourself-your-partner-before-marriage
I have RAs close cousin PsA so I think I can understand where your partner is coming from. This position isn’t meant to say that where she is coming from is correct, but to maybe make you understand the issue (from my perspective) differently.
I was diagnosed a few years ago and honestly it sent me into a spiral of shame, depression, and overwhelming dread. It’s not a condition that’ll just go away after taking meds for a bit, it’s the rest of my life. The rest of my life taking injections when I hate needles. The rest of my life mourning my previous abilities before things got bad… I use to hike miles in the mountains and swim competitively and do things without pain. I’m grieving and I don’t think I’ll ever stop grieving… but i believe I’ve made it a balance. I’ve tried to stop thinking of “who I could’ve been” and started to try to think of who I am. It’s a loss. A loss that will always be there. It’s a loss of freedom and autonomy
Your partner needs to be treated. But for her, being treated makes it even more real. Sometimes it feels as if you can ignore it and maybe it’ll just disappear. It’s not a rational or logical belief, but sometimes it feels like self preservation
She needs to understand that the grief that comes from a chronic condition doesn’t have to be all encompassing. I’ve gotten somewhat there with therapy… but with chronic conditions there is a cycle of grief that’s very different than grief from losing a loved one. It’s a brutal cycle that can look differently for everyone and can look different by the day. For me, it ranges from things like “I’m never going to be able to do some of the things I wanted to since I was a kid so why bother trying anything” to “am I really ill enough to throw myself a pity party” and a lot inbetween.
My comment is taking a more compassionate approach than what a lot of other comments I saw did, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think your partner doesn’t need to take care of herself to bring a child into the world. But maybe, instead of starting at treating the actual illness (which might feel like giving up who she was before things got worse), try finding a therapist that specializes in people with chronic conditions. Pause trying for a baby until she can get to a place of acceptance and you can get to a place of trusting her again
You aren’t wrong for wanting to pause trying until she takes care of herself. But she might not be lying about trying or that she’s getting to it. She might just need a push from a different direction (personal therapy) than what abled bodied people might expect
Unfortunately women who have Ra have more
Difficulties getting pregnant than those who don’t .
you should be speaking to her doctor before becoming pregnant so you have safe and healthy pregnancy as you need her condition to be well managed before pregnancy if possible. You would need to have appointment to see what medication options were and how they could affect the baby as some RA medication can cause birth defects . Pregnancy takes a huge toll on a woman’s body and she likely she will have flare up once she delivers so do you have good family support network to help out . My best advice would be to contact the doctor and see what they recommend for managing a potential pregnancy as she needs to be monitored to make sure that mum and baby are ok. There is increased risk of premature birth , low birth weights and baby would have slight increased risk of potentially getting ra but your doctor go over everything once you get an appointment.
My cousin had healthy baby and baby does not have her mum condition . While her pregnancy was well managed she was considerably poorly after delivery and unable
To walk or dress or wash herself as her flare up was hellish it 4 months before she was able to do stuff for herself and they won’t be having an another baby . That was her experience
NTA. Stop trying for pregnancy immediately. She did not keep up her end of the deal. End of discussion.
As someone with an autoimmune disorder that is slowly getting worse, she needs to get her tish together. The toll taken on the body between the pregnancy, birth, and the first two years?
She’s being 100% selfish on this and not a great way to be in a relationship.
I dyed my hair 🙈 I’m allergic to hair dye. Stick with me, this is going somewhere, promise. Hair dye can kill me. I dyed it anyway bc I hate temporary stuff. I’m smart, big brain 🙄 I didn’t allow it to touch my skin, dyed 3″ away from my scalp. Now, every time I wash my hair, the allergens are leeching into my skin. I’m si angry at me. I had this thought a few days ago… 95% of the shit I’ve been through is my own fault 😭 Like, not in a self hating way, just in a factual logical way. The abusive ex: why didn’t I leave at the first instance? 😫
Most of the shit we get into, we saw/see, we know, and we go la di da and do it anyway, and then later we go 🫨😭 I don’t want to date someone with kids, but then wah! I just really like him or her though, delete and run with it, woohoo! I want 5 cats! I don’t have money or time for them though, but I want 5 cats! Delete logic and run with it, then later go 😖😭
You make sense and you know it. Have kids and ruin your life doing everything. Kids are hard and need 2 active parents, more if that was possible! They eat all your money, energy, time. They’re worth it, but if a person does it all alone, the resentment makes it awful and the kids suffer as well as the active parent bc they never get to enjoy being a parent, just suffer carrying all the grunt work and break.
You would be wise to not have kids with your partner. You know what will happen. Living creatures have maby needs and are entitled to care. They’re not toys. I want more cats but only have the resources for the one I have. I want plants but I keep killing them 😭 I want to be fit, but I can’t be bothered! I want to learn a language, but ima nap instead. Want isn’t get.
NTA. You put your foot down and stop actively trying to conceive. She can be as mad as she wants, but until she proves she can take care of herself, she is not ready to take care of a baby. You gave her the benefit of the doubt without ensuring she was actively making changes first. Don’t make that mistake again.
As someone who also lives with an autoimmune disease and has periods where I too mismanage my medication and my health, I get it. But, my point stands. If she’s struggling with fatigue, etc now, it’s only going to get worse with pregnancy and a baby. Then what?