TW: mention of drugs, alcohol & suicide.
Disclaimer: This is a throwaway account for anonymity reasons. We also live in a conservative society and country where cultural norms heavily differ and free speech is limited. I cannot provide certain contextual details due to the perceived consequences and I signed NDAs by the relevant authority regarding my partner’s situation when I proposed to her. Neither can I take action against said social workers without grave consequences. We collectively do agree with some of our norms, and disagree with others but this is not the right time and place to discuss. Please reserve criticism and focus on constructive advice.
I (24M) am in my final semester of university and my partner (19F), is also a university sophomore student. We live in a conservative country. She grew up in a background full of drugs, vile forms of abuse and neglect and as a result she currently lives under a form of foster care arranged by the authorities. She lives in her own house with rotating caregivers, and receives a very generous (4-figures in usd) lifelong stipend from said authority alongside never having to worry about food, water or shelter. The authorities are her legal guardians until she turns 21 or gets married. We have been dating since last November and live just over an hour apart, discreetly going out on dates whenever we could during class breaks due to the control and surveillance said authority exerts on her life for social norm (and a bit of safety) reasons.
Two months ago, I proposed to her to fulfill my promise that this was the end goal had we been compatible. In our culture, long term dating or living together before marriage is not the norm or an option and results in heavy social consequences, so marriage was always the plan. Please reserve any criticism as our society’s cultural, tribal and social norms must differ and this is how it works here. After I expressed my intent, the authorities asked for relevant documents to prove my educational background, financial solvency etc .. They received them, and told me to inform my parents so they could ensure she would be joining a loving and accepting family.
Convincing my parents was truly a battle but they eventually approved. Later, the authorities told me I would need to have a university degree, which I am about to earn, and a salaried job before they can go on with the formalities of it since a male guardian is required by law for a woman to get married. In her case, it’s the said authority that acts as the legal guardian because of the absence of one, and the terms/prerequisites that I’d have to fulfill would be set by them. I am an entrepreneur but I’m willing to take a temporary 9 to 5 to meet this requirement.
During the summer break she transferred campuses to my city so we could be closer. Both of us live with mental illnesses. We share BPD, bipolar disorder (mine is atypical, hers is type 1), and ADHD. She also has OCD and PTSD. We both are also receiving adequate care, I’m receiving psychiatric treatment but can’t afford therapy, while she receives both psychiatric and psychological support fully paid for by the state. We have helped each other grow into people our past selves would not recognize, and I am deeply proud of her, especially considering her background. She was also the main driving force behind me quitting my alcoholism after 2 years of consuming about 500mL of 40% vodka every single day. As a result, i’m 7 months clean and forever thankful for her support.
Recently, the authorities told her she could no longer attend university outside her city, even though her previous campus was also in another city and they did provide a designated driver for the entirety of last year so she can go back and forth to her campus (about an hour and a half away). It’s such a short notice that she can’t really transfer to a different campus within her city since the semester starts next week, so it looks like she will have to take a gap semester. She was devastated. Yesterday, she attempted suicide by overdosing on zopiclone, around 157.5mg by my estimate, despite her denying it. She was incoherent and in a semi-coma. I made sure we were on a video call and that she unmuted her phone so I can call her to see her responsiveness as she slipped away from consciousness.
I did not call an ambulance because I was faced with two terrible choices. If I called, her life would become harder and even more restricted. She could lose privileges like being in possession of her own medications instead of the caregiver, being allowed to go out, and she might be placed in a psychiatric ward, which would make things much worse for her. She might also resent me forever.
By hour 5, she was asleep but completely unresponsive to my phone calls where her phone was ringing really loud. I got extremely worried and the 18 hours until she woke up were the worst of my entire life. I couldn’t picture a life without her and was expecting the worst. Thankfully she is alright now, but I am still extremely worried. We had our fair share of issues but that moment all our problems faded and I just wanted her to be okay.
At the moment, I and her university life are all she has. She cannot go out without a caregiver and she has no friends. Making friends for her was really hard due to her social anxiety and the fact that a caregiver must accompany her at all times (except on uni campus).
She had been looking forward to her new campus for months and had spent a lot of money on jewelry, outfits, accessories, and bags in preparation. Now that chance is gone and she is heartbroken. I am heartbroken too. I asked her if there was anything I could do or if I could speak to her social workers, but she said anything I do regarding contacting them will make it worse. I promised her I would make this gap semester memorable. I am buying her a PS5 and one for myself so we can play together online, even though I have not played games in years. I will make the time despite my work. I truly don’t know what to do but i’d do whatever.
We both know that they don’t want her to go to a campus outside her city so that we don’t get a chance to see each other or go out together. They’re unaware that we ever did go out, and will never be aware due to how consequential it would be if they did. Keep in mind that the country we’re living in is probably the most liberal in our region and everything we did was legal, however the people that run this particular entity are just extremely conservative.
This is taking a toll on my work, my diet, and my mental health. I have lost over 10kgs also due to other relationship problems and the events leading up to this. It will take a toll on my last semester which is starting soon, in which this is my 8th year in university and had I not wrapped up my degree requirements this year, I’d be dismissed and around 300,000 USD would go down the drain.
I feel like I am going downhill too. But I love her and I want her to be okay. I am exhausted, helpless, and do not know what to do. Words of support and advice would mean a lot right now.
TL;DR: my partner lives a very controlled life and has extremely limited freedoms for safety reasons due to her mental health history and other conservative cultural reasons. Her legal guardians (foster care providers) have told her that she cannot go to university for her sophomore year, and that she should transfer to a campus within her same city. It’s too short of a notice to do anything meaningful and she is devastated and I’m struggling to support her, and I’m struggling to support myself too. I love her and want her to be okay.