Hi all, I could really use some outside perspective.
My partner D is in his 20s and has a relatively stable job, a decent credit score, and a cautious financial approach. His mum, however, has a history of questionable decisions and financial pressure.
She’s been dating a man J for about a year. She hasn’t introduced him to D or her two younger sons 13 & 14, and they only see each other twice a week. They’ve never lived together.
Out of nowhere, she told D that she and J are buying a house together. When D asked about the arrangement, she said it’s to “leave something behind for the younger boys.” She then asked D to give her £5,000 toward the deposit.
He said he didn’t have the savings. She told him to apply for a 0% interest credit card and send her the money that way. He was hesitant, but she kept pushing. He applied once and was declined, but she told him to try another site – MoneySupermarket, where he was pre-approved, and then urged him to apply again.
She claims she’ll “pay him back” — by using her own credit card, which to me is just swapping debt for debt. Even worse, the house she claimed they’re trying to buy was already marked as “sold” online before she told us they were viewing it. A friend called the estate agents, and they confirmed the sale went through days before she claimed they were looking at it.
So something isn’t adding up.
D seems to feel guilty for saying no, but I’m horrified. I’ve explained to him:
He’s taking on all the risk and the debt.
His credit could be seriously harmed.
If she defaults, he’s stuck with the full repayment.
There’s no legal agreement, and her repayment plan depends on her own borrowing.
She also has a track record — she once tried to pressure him into using the help to buy scheme to buy a house with her. Thankfully he shut that down.
I’m trying to stay calm, but I’m reaching a point where I feel like this could seriously affect our future together. We share expenses and goals, and this kind of financial recklessness could drag us both down.
I guess my question is, is this as manipulative and risky as it feels?
And what would you do in my shoes?
Thanks in advance — happy to clarify anything.
Comments
This is manipulation dressed as family loyalty and it’ll ruin him. If he gives in now he’s not just losing £5k he’s losing control of his future.
Do. Not. Let. Him. Take. That. Loan. Out.
Stand up to her and call her out about the house she’s claiming to be buying. Tell her that’s not right to take advantage of the two of you because it affects the two of you when she does stuff like this. Maybe try to find out what they really want the money for.
If your boyfriend wants his credit score and financial security to tank and never recover, then go ahead and follow through on this scam. Mom’s boyfriend J is likely scamming her and YES it is as risky as it sounds. The only reason your boyfriend should take out a loan for his mom is if she needs a medical procedure or something to save her life; not to give money to her scammer.
NO. FULL STOP. ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Be firm, tell him that you will not be supporting this, and if he is going to make such reckless decisions then you won’t be sticking around. (Though if you give him the ultimatum and he does it anyway you will need to actually leave.)
He should be polite yet firm and say no, I simply can’t afford it.
Honey bun, I’m so sorry that you are dealing with this. She’s actually asking both of you to sign onto this since you are partners. So if he makes a commitment, he’s including you in the long-term plan.
So sad that his mother is manipulative and devious. Thinking if you make it all about him, his future, and his well-being (and yours), he won’t have to be defensive about his mother.
If he does, this, she will never stop asking for more.
Hope this works out well for him and for you.