My husband (44M) and myself (38F) have a “perfect” marriage… What I mean by this is that he is truly my soulmate… We connect on such a deep emotional and physical level. I sometimes lie awake at night and think how lucky and blessed we are to have each other. We are financially stable and have 3 healthy incredible kids… Every 2 weeks or so the stress gets too much for him and he lashes out at me for not doing enough for our kids and that leaves me dumb founded… It comes out of left field and it hurts me so deeply because it feels completely illogical. I pride myself on being the best mom possible. At home my husband does the cooking because he is very specific about how he likes his food. He also packs the dishwasher because I dont do it the right way. I take care of our finances, groceries, cleaning, laundry, babysitter, appointments, school/ friends admin, summer camp/ activities sign ups. The point of contention is my job which is a high stress 9-5 job where I am in back to back calls. He is generally more flexible so he does more kids drop offs and pick ups to school than me. He will ask me if I can pick up the kids and I will say yes at 04:30pm after my call. I will then grab my keys to leave at 04:40pm to see him leaving to pick up the kids. He will then blame me for not being a good parent which hurts so much. He just fights with me for hours over this. I stand there and take it… He spews lists and lists of my faults without me even saying anything… He apologizes the next day and wants me to forget but it stays with me…
How can my soulmate think so badly of me after 10 years of marriage and attack me so emotionally where it hurts the mosts??? A month will go by and then it restarts again. It has gotten to a point where I just know our entire “perfect” life is not real – it is all an act for him… He is an amazing parent but starting to think that this is a cycle of emotional abuse and I just don’t want to pretend any more …
TL;DR; : Please tell me I am crazy… Has anyone experienced something like this? Should I stay or leave this “fake” marriage?
Comments
Sounds like he needs therapy or couples counseling. Ive been through something similar before, and still stuggle with it from time to time. He has resentment built up based on what his expectaions are vs reality and thinking life shouldnt be stressful. Life is always stressful and you hit these hickups, the trick is learning how to deal with the unexpected . Tell your kids that most of the time pick up is x, but in case it is y, pack a book. They arent forgotten
You should seek therapy to draw boundaries . With your husband you both probably will benefit with couples therapy
You’re right. This is a cycle of emotional abuse.
You should get therapy. Not couple’s therapy – individual therapy for yourself. You need to unpack why you are calling a marriage where someone verbally attacks you for hours every couple of weeks as “perfect.”
This is not perfect. This is actually horrible, and you don’t deserve to be treated like that.
You both seem to have a lot of issues. Your post has some bipolar tendencies, first you rave about your deep connection and at the end you call your own marriage “fake”.
Nothing “perfect” about this. Your soul mate wouldn’t be emotionally abusive. You need to face reality if things are going to improve. Unless you can come to terms that nothing about this is good, will you then be able to put your foot down about his “out of nowhere” toxic outbursts. You need boundaries.
My EX husband. Things did not get worse in any type of linear manner. They suddenly accelerated very quickly and became physical. Don’t assume your kids don’t know there’s tension. My daughter had anxiety and chewed her lip raw. My son abused substances to cope. I got out 5 years ago. It’s been that long since someone screamed or swore at me. I’m better and the kids are better. Perfect on the outside and rotten on the inside is not a way to live. (We did the whole therapy thing and all he did was blame me for his behavior.)
You’ve understood the situation: This is a cycle of abuse. The “perfect man” is a con, being used to mask and excuse the abuse.
Do NOT go to couples therapy at this point.
Far too great a risk of him simply honing his skills as an abuser and weaponizing therapy-speak.
Go to individual therapy first to develop your strengths and boundaries.
There is no hope unless he truly knows this is unacceptable behaviour from him. No excuses about stress and absolutely no “you make me feel” BS. His kids are learning what marriage is from this. It’s simply unacceptable. Either he changes it, or eventually you’ll stop accepting it. Anyone would.
There’s no such thing as soulmates. The original thought was a joke that somehow got taken seriously.
Your husband is not perfect. Waiting for his next outburst is emotional terrorism. He’s abusive.
“My perfect husband who is my soul mate and is a great father will once a month terrorize me for hours in front of our children.”
Are .. are you kidding? Is this a real post?
What is it with people on Reddit on and on going on about their “perfect” partners – who are all abusive???
He’s not perfect; he’s not your soul mate. He’s an abusive man who gets off on controlling every little thing in his life including his wife and kids.
You need to start making steps to leave . This is not a safe environment to raise children