I (22M) am expecting my first child with my wife
(22F), due this August. As we get closer to the due date, my wife and I sat down together and created a simple list of hospital and newborn boundaries to keep things respectful, safe, and calm for everyone.
We sent it out to both sides of our family.
The rules were reasonable:
• Must have the TDAP vaccine to visit the baby
• No showing up unannounced at the hospital or our home
• No kissing the baby
• Basic respect and understanding for recovery and bonding time
Her family responded with total understanding. My side? Complete meltdown.
My mom said she doesn’t feel comfortable getting the TDAP. While I respect her decision, my wife and I are standing firm. This isn’t about control-it’s about protecting our newborn. We offered no alternative visits without the vaccine, not even masked, because this is our first child and we’re not taking unnecessary risks. She asked about just waiting in the lobby but we really didn’t see the point in this.
That’s when everything spiraled. My mom kept pressuring us, asking to visit anyway, and making it about herself. Then my brother-who originally said he was fine with our boundary-went nuclear once he found out my mom wouldn’t be allowed at the hospital.
They both started verbally attacking not just me, but my pregnant wife, who has done absolutely nothing wrong other than try to set protective boundaries for our child. Here’s just some of what was said:
My brother:
• “You’re not my family. Sucks you have my last name.” (To wife)
“Your wife ran off her family and now yours.
She’s the problem.”
“Your wife’s a bum ass bitch. Hope your
whole family sees her for what she is.”
“Grow a pair and divorce your useless ass
wife.”
My mom (via text and calls):
• “You’re okay losing your family over this?”
“She ran off her stepmom, her dad, and now
you. She’s controlling you.” (She cut her dad off because he’s an alcoholic and that’s also why the step mom left)
• “When I die, don’t post anything about it.
You have no family left.”
My wife lost her mom to cancer in 2016. She cut her dad off this year due to alcoholism and emotional abuse.
Now my family is blaming her for “destroying families,” as if she’s the common denominator-when in reality, she’s been surviving.
I’ve always had a good relationship with my mom and brother. I never thought they’d say things like this. I’ve tried talking it out, but every time, it gets uglier. They take zero accountability and keep making my wife the villain.
My brother sent a fake apology email, then followed it up the next day with more abuse, telling me to divorce her. So much for reconciliation.
So now I’m here asking:
When do you finally say enough is enough and cut family off?
Do I stay silent and focus on my new family, or keep trying to reason with people who clearly don’t care about us or our boundaries?
My wife lost her mom to cancer in 2016. She cut her dad off this year due to alcoholism and emotional abuse. Now my family is blaming her for “destroying families,” as if she’s the common denominator-when in reality, she’s been surviving.
I’ve always had a good relationship with my mom and brother. I never thought they’d say things like this. I’ve tried talking it out, but every time, it gets uglier. They take zero accountability and keep making my wife the villain.
My brother sent a fake apology email, then followed it up the next day with more abuse, telling me to divorce her. So much for reconciliation.
So now I’m here asking:
When do you finally say enough is enough and cut family off?
Do I stay silent and focus on my new family, or keep trying to reason with people who clearly don’t care about us or our boundaries?
My wife is in her third trimester. We’re both stressed, trying to prepare for our son’s arrival. And now we’re dealing with a wave of verbal abuse and guilt-tripping that I never expected.
Thanks for reading. Any advice or experience is appreciated.
Comments
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP’s needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don’t be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
^(Full Rules) ^(|) ^(Acronym Index) ^(|) ^(Flair Guide)^(|) ^(Report PM Trolls)
Resources: ^(In Crisis?) ^(|) ^(Tips for Protecting Yourself) ^(|) ^(Our Book List) ^(|) ^(Our Wiki)
Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL!
I’m botinlaw. I help people follow your posts!
^(To be notified as soon as moneyhustler21 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe moneyhustler21 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) ^(click here.)
^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please) ^(contact the moderators of this subreddit) ^(if you have any questions or concerns.)
Cut them off. Now. They passed the very last line quite a while back. They aren’t worth having in your life, your wife’s life and especially not your child’s life. People who will say what they did cannot ever be trusted again.
I’m going to tell you what your wife is probably thinking. She is not in a position to make big decisions or moves right now. But she is probably weighing options to protect herself and your child once she is clear of the PP period. She is watching what you do and don’t do to protect your family.
All of this nonsense about motivation, reasoning with your mother/brother, and fake apologies are just noise to her. They are bat crap crazy and there’s no place for that around a baby.
You’ve posted this in a lot of subs and the response is all but unanimous. The only question is what will you actually do and when will you do it?
“We will be adding another boundary in a united front, just as we were With all previous boundaries. We will not be allowing toxic family members around our child, you will not be meeting our child until the right channels have been accessed by you to undo the damage you have caused and sincere apology has been made to my wife. My immediate family is my wife and my child, your presence isn’t a necessity nor needed. I am extremely disappointed with your immature and un-empathetic behaviour and also very alarming at the level you will go when things don’t go the way you had hoped, in short the epic tantrum and bullying you have resorted to. We will be completely blocking you from our lives until after baby and we are in a place to deal with your bullshit, and that will only be to see if you have taken the steps to do better. Being part of my child’s life is a privilege, one that you have not earned at this stage. You will be blocked after I have sent this message, I truly hope you reflect.”
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this, your family is massively overstepping.
Explain to them in writing that this isn’t your wife’s fault, you both mutually agreed to the boundaries. She has done nothing wrong. You won’t allow them to make such nasty comments to you about your wife and until further notice, you will be going no contact. Any contact from here will be recorded in case you ever need it for legal protection.
You and your wife are in a very vulnerable state right now, starting a family is a huge, life changing event. Your wife will never forget the way she was spoken to and treated while pregnant and postpartum, so this is your opportunity to stand your ground and protect your family.
Instead of showing kindness and love, they are actively choosing to make your life difficult and your brother’s comments just prove that they think the world revolves around them. You don’t need this in your life.
I think it’s time to cut ties permanently
“Let me make this perfectly clear for you: you will follow the rules that we have set, or you will not meet the baby. As it stands now, your behavior has already earned you a one month delay. Do not push me on this or I will make that a permanent arrangement.”
Take a hardline stance on this. They are not in charge, they have no power over you, and their place in the baby’s life is a privilege, not a right. This is their last chance. If they argue, cut them off. If they break the rules, kick them out and cut them off. If, after cutting them off, they show up at your home, call the cops and have them trespassed from the property.
You and I both know that they won’t make it to the due date without being cut off. All this does is get in writing why they’re being cut off, and more importantly proves that they know why they’re being cut off. Useful as evidence if things escalate. And if they do somehow manage to keep the quiet parts quiet, then it proves that you can train them out of their bad behavior, given the right incentives.
The only common denominator here is you. What specifically are you doing to protect your wife from these tyrants while she’s in one of the most difficult phases of her entire life?
Let her down at your peril, she’d be right to leave given that you’re essentially hiding behind her while your family treat her like shit
Calling your wife a btch should have let you know enough about what to do next.. I get that they can get upset, some people might take longer to understand certain boundaries but in no case that gives them the right to call someone’s partner a btch