it’s been almost 2 years and i still feel unwanted as i did in the beginning. this is my first relationship ive been in. i (19F) feel like a side b instead of an actual gf. my bf (20M) can be loving but he has shown me many times that i will always come last to him. there’s so many times he has chosen his friends over me.
^ i did bring it up to him several times about how it makes me feel. one time he told me he was bored of me as to why he didn’t want to do anything with me. he didn’t say it to hurt my feelings, he just told me that when i asked him to be honest. i remember my heart actually sinking at the time because we hardly even got to see each other due to distance and our schedules, and he was already tired of me lol.
i get so jealous whenever i see a random guy enjoying time with his gf and wanting to do things with her. i feel unappreciated. he talks about his friends being shitty to him sometimes but will still choose to hang with them over me with no hesitation. when we do get to hang out, he never wants to do anything i wanna do. he has ditched me mid hangout before for his friends that he could’ve seen another day. he only seems to be interested in sex with me.
the confusing part is that he’s a sweet bf. but it’s like he views me as just a gf and not a person. he’ll do something sweet out of nowhere as if i have a health bar that he needs to maintain so that i don’t leave. that’s how it feels to me. like im a toy.
and i see soooooo many other girls in the same boat as me online. when i read their stories, i immediately agree they should leave them because they deserve better. but when i look at my situation, i find it hard to just throw two years of my life away. i’ve ended friendships where i’ve been disrespected in the same way and regretted later on just because of how alone i felt after. i do have a lot of childhood trauma relating to why im codependent and that’s my fault. i’m scared of regretting and i can’t tell if i’m being dramatic when i feel hurt over things.
i’ve spoken to him about manymany of our issues. him following his exes, making jokes about my appearance, lying, never prioritizing me. whenever i express my pain, i still end up having to say sorry for feeling that way. over time i feel like i improved on things. i lost weight and i do feel a little bit more confident. but when it comes to him, i don’t think i’ll ever be enough for him to want to be with me.
i do think we should break up and it’s so clear as to why. but i feel guilty to be so sure. his family is kind to me and have helped me when i had problems with my own family. im hurting but i feel guilty when i remember the good things and times in our relationship.
TLDR; i feel lonely and unwanted in my relationship and i’m not sure what to do about it