My bf (24m) and I (21f) are dating since half a year. I am suffering from CPTSD and disorganised attachment (leaning more into the anxious side) because of severe, ongoing childhood trauma and multiple traumas in recent years. For someone with this much trauma, I would say I function well, also in relationships. I am communicating well.
But the problem is: I sometimes get into dissociations/emotional flashbacks (or both) when triggered, and they sometimes last for days. I also struggle to recognize them early enough to fight back. He also lived through some of them and I thought that we always found a good way to deal with them. In the six months, I got them like 4 times maybe. Last week, I got triggered severely and didn‘t recognize it, so I drove to see my bf on friday for the weekend. We have a medium distance relationship, thats important for context. When I was with him, I had a fullblown panic attack and was all over the place mentally, and he suggested I drive home early to give us space, but I wasn‘t really able to. On sunday when I would have regularly drive home, I felt severe panic and felt like I couldn‘t get on the train. He stayed with me at the station, tried to comfort me, until I could take the next train (one hour later). Today he said he doesn‘t feel comfortable with me visiting him anymore, because there‘s always a risk I could get panic attacks/flashbacks and that he has to cancel plans to be there for me or wouldn’t get to bed in time. And that he was worried if I would get home safe when I got into the train, and that made him feel bad and he doesn‘t want that anymore. So he wants me to stop visiting him and only visit me. But because he has other circumstances than me regarding time, he can‘t visit me that often, so we would see each other on some weekends. That‘s not enough for me, but he said that that‘s the only solution he can offer and that in the future, he may feel comfortable to try to let me visit again so I can prove that I can stop having them/recognizing them early enough. I feel so bad and guilty. I also feel let down and rejected, but I feel like that‘s his boundary and he has a right to set boundaries like that. I just feel kinda like I get punished for being mentally struggled. And I feel so alone because I know that in the future, I can‘t go to him for support regarding those issues, because I now have to prove to him that I can control these episodes enough to make him trust me enough so I can visit again.
I know that maybe that means we are just not compatible, but I feel like I have to just suck it up to be worthy of love, because I really WANT him. Did someone of y‘all also experience that? What advice can you give me? Is there a way I could make this work?
TL;DR: My bf is overwhelmed by my emotional flashbacks/dissociations and wants me to stop visiting him. I need advice on how this is fixable.