So I (16F) have a boyfriend (16M) that Ive been together with since 10ish months and we have completely different morals which is that I want to wait till marriage to have sex and he does not. We tried to get to a middle ground cause he wants that intimacy and for him its a dealbreaker to not be intimate. I said I am only okay with non penetrating sex example fingering or touching eachother. He said he doesnt know if that will make him happy enough but obviously he wont force me but that he will give it a month to see if he feels happier in the relationship with that and if not then it’s over. Thing is he literally said waiting a month will probably not make him feel happy and that he is very unhappy dating me. Two weeks ago when we had the conversation about morals and sex, he was very upset that i couldnt change my morals (lowering the time to wait to have sex) even just a bit for him but its just not possible.
Since then I told him i will do other things to try and make him happy so that he doesnt keep thinking about it, but today he told me it has only gotten worse and that he feels like i barely do anything for the relationship even though I actually tried to do things and spend more time with him but it wasnt helping that he had a very bad sleeping schedule so he slept all day after school. And also the fact that he didnt tell me ways to make him happy back then and even before the conversation about our morals, when i would ask him what i can do for him since he buys me things etc to make me happy and i felt like i couldnt do as much for him, he told me that i dont have to do more.
Now about the whole being intimate thing, we got intimate once which was something huge to me to let someone touch me or finger me or me touching them, i got very paranoid over it over the chance of him having something on his finger and I felt like at my age I dont feel really comfortable doing this cause im scared of pregnancy and stuff like that, even though it was non-penetrative sex. I dont care how ridiculous it sounds to some people. Since we are young I dont want to deal with this overthinking, I want to touch him a little sure but all of it scares me.
I love him alot but I feel like this just isnt working, but I genuinely hate that i have to let go which seems like the only option right now. We laugh and get along so well and i spend most of my timr with him when we are at school. When he will be gone i know ill feel lonely, i dont have many friends and ill feel as if I was the one that gave up on the relationship but this is so stressing. Also that he said he feels like things wont get better in a month and that he doesnt have much hope, basically just holding on cause we dont wanna lose eachother. Also it hurt hearing him keep saying that if he knew abour my morals he would’ve never even consider dating me, and he said this two weeks ago and also today a few times as if i didnt hear him the first time. He further rubbed salt on the wound saying it feels like he is stuck in a relationship that he didnt want to to begin with, so yeah.
TL;DR: Me and my boyfriend have different morals about how we view sex and intimacy and its causing me lots of stress and unhappiness on both of us and even though theres nothing much I can do I dont want to leave him.
Comments
Of course the end of your first relationship will hurt but to be blunt – he doesn’t care about you. He is trying to pressure you to change your morals to please him. Move on now and realize you are worthy of respect. Why are you the one that has to change to make him happy? That not how healthy relationships work.
This is not a question you need to answer here, but a question you need to ask yourself: Are you sure it’s going well, or does he just make it seem like it’s going well because he can’t find someone else to dip the tip in?
You’re right to be afraid of pregnancy. You’re right to have boundaries. What is not right is him giving you the ultimatum to do something with your body, that makes you uncomfortable, just so he can get pleasure. A good person will never put someone else in a position where they have to sacrifice something for their gain.
If you do this, you will in 10 years, when you have met the one that you want to marry, the one that is okay waiting for you, the one that respects you and your boundaries, regret that you allowed yourself to be manipulated by someone who would not.
You’re only 16, relationships at your age aren’t even real. In a few years from now, you’ll look back on this and laugh that you ever took this seriously.
I have to ask, when did you disclose to him you wanted to wait until marriage? Only 2 weeks ago?
As you already realized, you have different morals. You already tried to compromise by offering to do things you’re not comfortable with, and it seems he’s still not happy.
My advice is to not give up on your boundaries if you’re sure you want to wait until marriage. Truth is, you’re still very young, and there’s no guarantee your relationship would last even if you did give up on your boundaries due to the pressure, and you might regret it later.
You can surely find someone else who will respect you.
Think of it this way: If he cared enough about you, why wouldn’t he raise his morals? Why is he guilting you about not lowering yours? Why is the expectation on you to change yourself to accommodate him?
I was in a relationship like yours at that age. I “compromised” by doing non-penetrative stuff, too. It didn’t ever really fall like a compromise though, I never felt like it was an okay thing to do. I enjoyed it, but I also felt icky that I was doing it. How is it a compromise to do sexual acts, as long as it’s not penetrative? That’s just giving in so he won’t leave you, but you’re still doing sex things.
Then eventually it felt silly to me to be saying no to the preventative stuff when I was already doing everything else, and he just kept bringing it up and pushing boundaries. And I got sick of saying no, so I just let it happen one day. I lost my virginity to a guy that didn’t care if I wanted to wait until marriage or not. And then, every single time we hung out, we just had sex. The relationship was literally only sex. And I wasn’t even particularly attracted to him, he was “a nice guy” that was there for me when my last relationship ended (a.k.a. he was into me but waited like a vulture until I was single, he never wanted to be my friend, he just wanted me to be his girlfriend).
I really regret that I did that. I don’t know that I would have made it to marriage if I hadn’t, but at least I could have had the first time be special with someone who really cared about me. I would highly recommend NOT doing what I did, and it sounds like this guy is doing the same thing to you… just with an extra side of shitty guilt.
You deserve better, girl.
You’re not ready, you’re just not. Not for the touching, any of it. And that’s 100% normal and okay. And if it’s not okay with him, he’s not your person.