TL;DR I (25F) have a lovely caring partner (26M). I want more affection and attention like I experienced in a previous relationship but can’t seem to get there no matter how much I communicate.
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I (25F) have been with my boyfriend (26M, called S) for two years after meeting on a dating app. Our relationship is so right, we’re at similar stages of life, want the same things in the future and seem to be on the same page about most things. I believe we’re compatible and will work together in the future; I know he cares about me, respects me and loves me, as I do him.
At the start of our relationship, I craved a bit more affection – we don’t live together so would text on and off during the evening but I wanted S to call me from time to time, stay over more (he lives with his family so I don’t stay over at his), organise little surprises (nothing big, even just cosy movie nights or picnic dates). I speak to him about it everytime I want more and he responds well, he calls me more and organises more dates. I know he isn’t naturally romantic so I feel like I have to train him to be. I know he gets a bit frustrated every time I ask for something more but he eventually comes round to it. However, I still want more, I don’t understand why I can’t just be satisfied and I don’t want him to feel I’m being critical of him. I think if I hadn’t experienced a LOT of affection and attention in a previous relationship ( see below) I wouldn’t crave it now as I wouldn’t know what I’m missing.
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S lives with his mum and grandparents (only child, single mum) and I get the sense that he feels he has a lot of responsibility at home and if he’s not there much things will fall apart. He has asked me in the past if, when we eventually move in together, I would move in with his family. I said no I wouldn’t be comfortable and he accepted that. I have been around many times and his family are very independent. Other than when we spend an evening or night together once a week, he spends every other day with his family. I understand his family comes first at this stage in our relationship, and I feel greedy for wanting more attention, but I can’t help but feel like an afterthought. In most of his plans/activities his mum will hear about it first/get invited first and he’ll fit me in to his week around his family plans. Sometimes I can’t help but want to feel like more of a priority. I have spoken to him about it as carefully as I can but he doesn’t seem to understand where I am coming from. I’ve even framed it as how the dynamics might naturally change once we’re living together or have children together in the future that he might not be able to spend so much time with his family all the time.
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To add to this, recently I keep thinking about my ex and I can’t seem to stop these thoughts and I feel so guilty; I do not want to be someone who compares my partner/relationship to others. When I was 20-21, I was in an amazing relationship with a guy called C which I think is what I’ve set my expectations on. C was very very affectionate and always wanted to be around me. He lived over an hour away but would make the effort to come and see me multiple times a week whenever we were both free. He was very romantic and planned very sweet surprises for me every week and I felt so loved. I felt like I was his biggest priority. He was affectionate in the way that if we were lying in bed, he would just gaze and smile at me. Often gave me verbal affirmations, telling me how happy he was to be with me. We had really great sex as he really cared about my pleasure and my sex drive was a lot higher when I was with him – he was adventurous and would always bring new ideas or items for us to try together. I’ve tried suggesting what I want sexually with S, and whilst sex is certainly gotten better over the last 2 years, it’s nowhere near how it was with C. C and I broke up because although I loved him at the time, I couldn’t see a future together – we were moving to different cities for careers, family reasons, etc. When I think about him now, I’m not really missing C himself – my current boyfriend has many qualities he didn’t – but I certainly miss the way he made me feel. My current relationship is definitely more mature, S is much more supportive of my career and family problems and is a lot more financially responsible that C was.
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Is it wrong for me to want this level of attention and affection from my current boyfriend? How do I keep asking for more without starting to sound like I’m being critical of him? I always frame it like “I’d love it if we spent more time together” but after asking for so much, I know he feels like no matter what he does its not good enough. I understand about love languages and understand we need to train each other but can’t help but wish that it came naturally to him without me having to ask for it. How do I stop thinking about the romantic and sexual chemistry I had with my ex? Or should I accept that all the other qualities S has should be enough?
Open to any feedback or criticism