I hope that people with more life experience could give me some advice.
I am 24F and lately I’ve been thinking about my future and career goals. With that, I’ve been strongly considering staying home with my parents for 2 more years and save up to purchase a house. I’ve never lived away from my parents other than in college dorms during undergraduate and now I have a solid income (for my state) that will allow me save a good amount to purchase a house. However, if I were to move out with my boyfriend, pretty much all my income would go towards housing expenses in addition to my current expenses.
So I’m not sure if I should stay home or move out with him. We have been together for 5 years and he feels like our relationship isn’t moving forward and he said that if I don’t want to build a life with him he needs to leave and find someone who is ready for that. We have had some other rocky moments in the relationship but I think this is truly like an ultimatum. Until like a month ago his income would only allow for a 65/35 split on housing expenses with us living together because I make more than him but I was really uncomfortable with that because even through I make more, it’s still not enough to live on my own so I wasn’t comfortable being stretched that thin paying the bulk of the bills if we moved in together. Now that he has a job with the same salary as me we can split 50/50 but I’m just not sure it’s the right step since we both have low housing expenses now and would be able to save a lot living at our current locations.
I desperately don’t want to break up but I’m so conflicted, everyone is telling me you shouldn’t live you life constantly considering another person and make decisions based on them but isn’t that what a relationship is? I know because I’ve is older than me (he is M33) he isn’t really willing to “wait” much longer for the future he wants but if I’m making decisions solely on myself staying home to save is smarter.
I’ll take any advice, about the relationship, necessary sacrifices, if buying a home young is a good decision…anything. Thank you
Edit 1: Some details to add: historically I wasn’t serious about buying a house but I was saving like it was a plan anyway because I know it’s the best time to save while I’m home, he really wants to own a home but hasn’t been saving for it and feels like it’s something you do with a life partner. He considering us renting some place together a “compromise” because he thinks renting is a waste of money (he just rents a room for super cheap right now).
I didn’t mean buy a house outright, just save enough for a downpayment and all closing cost and 6 month emergency fund.
Comments
Backup of the post’s body: I hope that people with more life experience could give me some advice.
I am 24F and lately I’ve been thinking about my future and career goals. With that, I’ve been strongly considering staying home with my parents for 2 more years and save up to purchase a house. I’ve never lived away from my parents other than in college dorms during undergraduate and now I have a solid income (for my state) that will allow me save a good amount to purchase a house. However, if I were to move out with my boyfriend, pretty much all my income would go towards housing expenses in addition to my current expenses.
So I’m not sure if I should stay home or move out with him. We have been together for 5 years and he feels like our relationship isn’t moving forward and he said that if I don’t want to build a life with him he needs to leave and find someone who is ready for that. We have had some other rocky moments in the relationship but I think this is truly like an ultimatum. Until like a month ago his income would only allow for a 65/35 split on housing expenses with us living together because I make more than him but I was really uncomfortable with that because even through I make more, it’s still not enough to live on my own so I wasn’t comfortable being stretched that thin paying the bulk of the bills if we moved in together. Now that he has a job with the same salary as me we can split 50/50 but I’m just not sure it’s the right step since we both have low housing expenses now and would be able to save a lot living at our current locations.
I desperately don’t want to break up but I’m so conflicted, everyone is telling me you shouldn’t live you life constantly considering another person and make decisions based on them but isn’t that what a relationship is? I know because I’ve is older than me (he is M33) he isn’t really willing to “wait” much longer for the future he wants but if I’m making decisions solely on myself staying home to save is smarter.
I’ll take any advice, about the relationship, necessary sacrifices, if buying a home young is a good decision…anything. Thank you
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Never let them take you to a second location
What is he doing to secure his financial future? Unless he matches your energy and focus, he’s not the one for you.
Please stay home with your parents. That is a rare advantage you have, so embrace it.
Guuurrrllll. Stay put. He tryna force you to do something that is direct opposition to your goal. Don’t throw your future away on trash. Dont attach your self-worth to having a BF. You’re too young to have an anchor. Next thing you know, he’ll be demanding a baby- but no talk of marriage. You gonna be stuck. Be single for a whiLE-ITS OK TO BE SINGLE.
Baaaaaaaaabe……… Noooooooooo
Please please don’t move in with him.
Omg I can’t even with these age gap relationships (I’m sorry)!
This guy is straight up using you. He’s likely trying to put on the pressure now because you’re starting to think about what you want your life to look like, and stressing/struggling to make ends meet when you could be living safely with your parents saving to buy your own home….? isn’t it.
Your instincts are completely right on this ❤️🩹
Stay with your parents, save your money, buy your home, dump the BF.
I think you wanting to save for a home sounds very sensible. Not only is it in your own financial best interest to continue to live with your parents for now, but it is in the best interest of your relationship with your partner down the road, whether that be this current partner or someone else. If you have an amicable situation at home (you and your parents aren’t driving each other nuts), then I would say take advantage. Also, being with the same person from 19 to 24 can make it hard for you to imagine life without them. A little distance to see if this relationship is still actually what you both want feels pretty healthy to me. I am also concerned that if your boyfriend is putting this much pressure on you now, when the stakes are low, that is unlikely to change down the road, when the stakes may be higher. Is he the kind of guy who will be wanting to buy a boat when you are just trying to keep the kids in clothing, and maybe afford an occasional date night and a summer camp or two for the littles. Financial stress from partners having different approaches to money is one of the, if not THE leading cause for discord and divorce. Are you sure you and this guy are really that well matched for the long run?
Please don’t let anyone pressure you into something you aren’t comfortable with, no matter what it is. And don’t compromise your financial well being for anyone.
Set down with you BF and draw up a plan on what your future would look like financially if you moved in together now, waited a year, or waited two years. Show him how much easier your life could be if you both saved together for a home. If he truly wants to build a life together, being financially healthy is part of that future.
Is it possible he is pressuring you because he wants out of his current living situation and knows he can’t afford to do it in his own? Don’t let him manipulate you just to get what he wants.
He is 9 years older and wanted you to pay the majority of the bills? Absolutely not. Going 50/50 isn’t equitable either because you’ll end up carrying the bulk of the household labor.
Always put yourself first because you are your best investment. Stay with your parents and save for a home.
If he’s your person he will stay with you and will u deer and that you are doing this for both of you. If he doesn’t, then he’s not your person.
My advice is, you need to maintain your independence and stay at home to save for your future. If he wants to be a part of that future with you then he will get over it. I think he is thinking more about the split of bills and using your relationship as leverage. I’m almost 34 and my experience has been that not maintaining your independence and sticking to your guns with your own security and finances will be your downfall. I almost lost everything because my sons father wanted me to give everything up to live with him with no security. If I were you, I would toy with him that you will live with him in a couple of years, when you are married and insist that you are content as you are and not ready for a change. That way, you have made your feelings clear enough for him to respect you and your wishes whilst also not making it a total rejection but more of a… well when we are married we can live together… so that he hopefully takes your relationship seriously. Don’t mention him needing your financial help with living AT ALL as that will feel like a slap to him and NOT help. Make it all about you and your needs right now. Tell him you will be with him as much as possible but you don’t need to pay rent right now when you need to save money for purchasing in the future.
Don’t move in with him. He just wants help with rent. The fact that he’s 10 years older than you but wants you to put yourself at a disadvantage financially to play house with him is a huge red flag. It is not in your best financial interest to move out and spend all your money on rent. As your partner he should have that at the forefront of his mind. But he is manipulating you so he can lock you down without having to commit to you. Don’t waste your youth on this guy!
“Moving forward” could be living with parents and saving up money to get married and buy your first home. He doesn’t want that. He wants a live-in girlfriend with income to help him. This doesn’t help you, but never mind.
The fact that he’s older but up to this point made considerably less money that you suggests that BF has the idea that being a couple can bootstrap him into the life he wants, rather than doing what you want to do, which is to work, plan and save for a future. You were making nearly double than him at age 24? Think about that. Why is that? What does that say about his values, his maturity, his decision-making?
I think it’s telling that he’s not planning for marriage and a family at 33. He wants his 24-year old girlfriend to move in and pay half the expenses (or more, if the new job that allows 50/50 doesn’t last).
Two other things make me say you don’t want to move in with him. First, you say that relationship has been rocky. At 24, you do not want to invest your life in a relationship that has had significant problems. Dating is sorting. A “rocky” relationship is one you leave behind. You want to marry a person who shares your values, who is committed to working just as hard as you do, and who has his emotional, financial, and psychological life together. You want someone who is your partner and champion. You want a happy relationship, with lots of joy. That brings me to point 2: this man is nearly ten years older than you. He started dating you when you were 18 and he was 27-28. Why did he need to start dating a kid barely out of high school when he was 4 years older than you are today? Would you start dating a kid who just graduated last week? And here he is, pressuring you to do something you know isn’t in your long term interest.
You haven’t had a minute in your adult life when you were just doing what is in your best interest. It’s painful to break up, but the two years you’re envisioning can be spent not only saving money but learning about yourself–who you are, the life you want, and the values you want to live by. My guess is that you’ve outgrown this guy but the big age gap has given him outsized power in your life. Let him go and get on with his life. Your big move to living away from your parents can come when as a single woman, you buy your first home, at age 26 (7 years younger than BF is today). Find someone closer to your age, who shares your values and is not in a hurry.
Yes, when you are in a committed relationship like marriage, you make sacrifices and you compromise. But this is not that. You are 24. You haven’t even yet worked out who YOU are. If you are “constantly” making decisions based on the boyfriend, that suggests that he’s the one making most or all of the decisions and you are making decisions “based on [him].” Nope. That’s not what a relationship is. In a healthy relationship, the plan is for both people to thrive. There is zero reason for you to sacrifice here. Your BF picked a girl of 18 who would need time to find herself as an adult all the while pushing her–you– to conform to what he wants. He’s selfish and controlling; you just don’t see that because he’s all you know.
This doesn’t sound like a partner with a) forward vision or b) concern for what’s best for you. Both are red flags; get out. NTA.
Stay home. Save your money. Buy your house.
And if he can’t deal with that. Too bad.
This is what is in your best interest long term, and he should support you in that.
Regardless of how good you think the relationship is, I’d recommend staying with your folks while you can, save your money, and don’t get distracted from your goal. You have a great luxury right now. (Though I don’t think the relationship sounds great – seems one sided.)
I only moved out of my parent’s house because my boyfriend suggested we move in together.
I regretted not living on my own first (or, when the time came, with just a platonic roommate). It’s important for you to be independent first. He’s apparently done all that already.
NTA. I understand where he is coming from, he is 33 years old. However, you are 24 and have the opportunity to set yourself up for a greater life than he is ever going to have. He should’ve been doing this nine years ago. This is why age gap relationships are not great, you are in different seasons of your life. Please consider letting him go and accepting that there is someone out there more compatible to you than this man.
Listen, you are only 24. You have a big long life ahead of you. I’ll tell it to toy straight. This man is not thinking of you and only thinking of his own wants while you are thinking of your future. It doesn’t matter if you desperately want him, this relationship isnt going to last. Sure you can drag it out and have years of daily fights unwanted regrets and eventual break down. Or you can stay on your path and secure your future with your own home and friends and family who will be proud of you bc he sure won’t be.
You are trying to be caretaker to a man almost 10 years your senior. Get someone in the same financial page as you and don’t live together until you are ready. Sounds like you have supportive parents. If they don’t like or trust him, listen to their concerns
I didn’t even need to read the whole thing. Stay home!
I think you’ve seen other red flags in your relationship and your gut is telling you the right thing to do. Listen to your gut!!!
Sounds more like he is looking for a roommate to split his bills with rather than to actually build a life together. Your idea of both staying put and saving money for your future is about building a good life. If he breaks up with you over this, he isn’t the right guy and it is better to lose him now.
The fact that buddy just landed a salaried job and wants to jump head first into something so costly is a red flag. I look at it like this: If you don’t move, there’s the chance you could break up. Fair. BUT if you do move, and quickly realize how expensive everything is, and wind up sinking financially and/or stressed that you are renting forever, the relationship will have the same fate.
Especially in this market, renting is not worth it if you can buy. Honestly, I’d dump this man on his ignorance in the importance of finances, alone.
What, wait… He is nearly 10 years older than you, and as recently as last month, was making only about a third of your salary?
At his age, he should be well established in a good career.
And he has issued an ultimatum, while you have a much more practical approach to finances.
Run, don’t walk. Run away. Stay with your folks, build savings, and move ahead in your life. Without him.
If he’s not willing to work hard and sacrifice to build a life then he’s not going to be the partner you want. He wants to play house.
Something about his argument doesn’t tally. There’s more than one way to move forward. You could get engaged, set a wedding date, set your sights on a specific home/ joint financial goal and give it a definitive timeline. He could also bring his own efforts to the table to help achieve that financial goal so that you can shorten the two-year timeline on your end.
Right now it sounds more like he is only offering one option: pay half his bills and put yourself at a financial disadvantage, or break up.
That’s not how relationships work. If you can’t dream together and work together to make those dreams happen, this isn’t the guy for you.
I’m the mom in a living situation very similar to this. Take care of yourself and save that money for a house.
It would be wise if you were both on the same page financially. Not necessarily making equal pay, but having the same goals.
Please don’t fall for his ultimatum. You are doing the right thing by staying with your parents and saving to buy a home.
Stay home. Be independent of your parents and of your BF. DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM!
I am a 67 year old woman and my advice is to NOT move in with anyone. You will feel so great about yourself if you’re independent of anyone but yourself.
If he can not make it on his own without your help. He needs to stay home and save too!
You’re doing the right thing by NOT moving in with him. He needs to be able to also prove to himself that he can make it independently.
I wish someone had told me all of this. I went from home, to a marriage, to a divorce 17 years later with NOTHING to show for it! Don’t be me!
Do not move in with him. He’s being very manipulative. If you do move in with him, your next post will probably be about how you are paying most of the bills while he won’t help with housework. He wants you to help support him. You are young enough to have a new start with someone else.
Updateme!
You’re 24 and you’ve been with him for 5 years- which means a 28yr old man preyed upon a TEENAGER and somehow convinced you to date him…. Ewww
Add to that for the past 5 years you were the top earner and he was willing to let you be perpetually broke to live together and subsidize his life…
He didn’t push it because he probably realized you were too smart to stay with him if he threw a fit about moving in together while you pay the bulk of the bills.
Now that he only barely just started making a matching salary he suddenly is throwing down an ultimatum…
A healthy adult would be discussing what you both would like your future to look like and a what steps you each take to make that future happen and on what timeline
He’s dating you because no woman his age will put up with his crap but young women/ teenagers 🤮 are too young to know better and are much easier to manipulate
Please do yourself a favor and focus on what’s best for you!! Do NOT sacrifice your financial security and your future to cater to anyone else.
I guarantee you will resent him and he will continue to manipulate you and make you feel like you are being unreasonable for not giving in to him
My advice STAY PUT. This fella is trying to take advantage, wanting you to pay most of everything. Please stay with your parents and save for your own house. He probably won’t even end the relationship because your miss money bags to him.
You really need some alone time to figure out what you actually get from this relationship.
Don’t do it. Stay put, save & get your house. Anyone who doesn’t want you to do something that will make your life & future stable and sound. Isn’t a person you should continue a relationship with. Thats a massive red flag & a sign that they want you in unsavory conditions. Especially if it traps you.
You will never see an ultimatum in a healthy relationship. Ever! Do with that information what you will.
It makes much more sense financially and for your future to stay at home and save to buy a property, if he can’t see that more fool him
Sounds like he just also wants you to pick up 50% of the bills, if he wants to rent somewhere let him, and if he decides that’s more important than your relationship then so be it, I think his priorities are wrong
I’m going to give you the same advice I would give my daughter- Let him move on. You are working towards a solid goal- financial stability and your own home. If you alter course, you could be delaying that goal by a decade or more. If providing stability for a future family is important to you, keep going on your present course.
I have to admit, I am giving serious side-eye to a man who started dating a nineteen year old when he was twenty-eight. That big of an age gap usually indicates a man who has never matured beyond his early twenties.
He isn’t the one. Move on. I promise when you hit 30 and realize how creepy a grown man hitting on a teenager is you’ll thank the universe that you ditched him.
It sounds like this relationship is over. It is reasonable for him to want to live together, but not when the split puts most of the burden on you. He is expecting you to foot the bill for the kind of life he wants to live. If you aren’t ready for that then don’t move in with him. Save your money and you will be able to safely establish yourself. Don’t give that up for a relationship.
So you were in your late teens and he was in his late 20s, and he is giving you an ultimatum? End this relationship, stay home and save up, and date more people before settling down.
This relationship is a dud and it is time to move on. You have very responsible, long-term goals and he doesn’t. Find someone that also values home ownership like you, and is able to delay short term gratification for long-term financial success. When living together and marriage start to enter the picture, have conversations about what you are each saving, how you both would contribute to home ownership, how the mortgage and chores would be split, etc. You don’t want to partner yourself with someone who either won’t plan for the future or someone who wants a house, but doesn’t save or work for home ownership like you do.
Do not get a place with him. Honestly this relationship isn’t worth it and you deserve better. End the relationship before you end up with a man child.
With this dude, I see nothing but problems. That said, I am not even going to waste effort telling you all the reasons I wouldn’t consider him worthy to waste your time on. Instead I’m going to bump this directly back to you.
Which means more to you, and which do you want more: to secure your financial future in a way you clearly have thought about and are willing to work toward while utilizing a safety net that you are fortunately able to utilize, and full of choices OR start your future supporting someone else who has already removed your choices and ability to compromise by giving you an ultimatum and is willing to leave you if he doesn’t get what he wants when he wants it (which is basically how he resolves not getting what he wants)?
Put another way: do you want to choose when you’re ready for your future, what you want for your future, how you want to proceed for your future OR do you want to be told at every major crossroads for the rest of your life that you do what someone else wants for their future or they’re abandoning you?
Also, please remember: he is older than you. He is going to be ready for children before you. So you will be hearing “I want children now or I’m going to leave and find someone else who wants them now too” when you’re struggling and financially insecure because you’ve spent the last two years using up income on supporting a living arrangement you didn’t even want because he did.
You have a good plan for yourself and your future and you should follow through with that.
The thing about him being older than you is, he’s trying to manipulate you into a situation that is not beneficial to you at all. It’s only beneficial to him. There is power differential in your age gap specifically because you started dating him when you were 18 or 19 years old. That’s barely legal. That’s a red flag.
There’s a good chance once he trapped you in the relationship, even more by moving in with him he could end up losing this job or quitting this job and financially abusing you. Being with him, you’ve been unable to explore who you are as a young adult. Being independent is a huge part of having a healthy relationship.
He’s almost ten years older than you, has until recently been making way less than you, and is giving you ultimatums that will not be good for your financial future?
Nooooooo.
Stay home, save for your house. If you let this man dictate your life choices to you and you can’t get that house you’ll heavily regret it in the future.
If he really breaks up with you over this, then he’s not worth being with anyway.
Follow your dreams, not your boyfriends.
You should stay home and save. If he doesn’t understand why, he’s not the one for you. If you need to spend all your income to live with him, that’s a red flag. 🚩
A solid relationship won’t end from that. I’d say it’s time to walk away. He won’t wait for this, so how would you trust him to be there for you for other occasions that life might throw your way?
I was on his side until you let us know about that age gap. Nah, I’d let him find someone else to pay his rent and have his babies. You’re young and have a good head on your shoulders. If you and your parents get along, and the situation would work for yall, I’d say stay and buy your own house. Be secure. And then figure out dating and things like that. You’ll be much better off secure and single than making a leap into shared living with this guy. You have time and options. And that’s without mentioning the fact that he’s giving you an ultimatum like his biological clock is ticking or something. He’s got plenty of time, seems more like he just wants you to comply and do what works out best for him and his interests, not your (or even shared) interests.
Wth is a man that age doing w someone OPs age? The answer: using them. That’s a huge out of balance power and control situation. OP needs to stay with her parents. That man sounds like trouble. OP needs to break up w him. He’s just going to keep pressuring her into doing things she does not want to do, wasting her time, and her money.
Updateme!
When you met you were 19 and him 28?
stay home and save or get a small place of your own-no boyfriend- and save what you can. moving in with him is not part of your plan for a home.
No don’t move out with a man because he threatened you. That’s the first flag.
Girl, prioritize yourself. There are plenty of other guys out there. Stay home, save like crazy, get yourself a great home and enjoy the freedom
As someone already asked “what is he doing to secure his financial future?”
Having considered this, since he just got a job, is it that he really MUST move homes or just that he WANTS to?
If he doesn’t have to move to a different home for his new position, then tell him he can hang in there for two more years so that you can talk to the bank and arrange an account for a downpayment.
If he must move, tell him he can either get an apartment by himself and you will see him in two years or he can buy a house that you are not part of right now and this is goodbye because your home is important enough to you that you are waiting to make a good choice. Which means you would have to be involved in what he buys if he will not rent, and you are sure you can’t afford it right now.
You have choices because you did not marry him yet.
If you can’t make this choice of yours stick, I suggest you don’t marry him, because it sounds like the condition of your house is as important to you as their career or their future children are to other women.
Marriages tend to end over money, parenting practices, sexual dysfunction, allocation of household responsibilities (chores), and catastrophic health issues. Make sure both of you are ready to compromise on these before you move in together. Right now, your decision on housing is just an extension of the “money” dynamic.
Hope you have better luck.
He’s not the man for you. Buh bye. 👋
I would stay home and save the money … it is the best investment ever in your own future. No guarantees that guy is going to be around in 2 years anyway. Let him prove himself to you 👍.
From my perspective, building a life together includes financial goals, financial struggles, and how you are going to sacrifice to meet those goals. It seems obvious that the two of you aren’t on the same page about these things. So I think the issue is bigger than just your immediate decision.
You may find a couple’s therapist useful to helping you see what the bigger issues are and how you might want to deal with them.
Stay home. Save money.
Don’t enter into a pretend marriage. Get married when you are ready. Then move into a home with that person.
He wants to live together and wants you to split all his bills but hasn’t proposed?
Lol 5 years? That made you, 19? And he was 28……..
Yea , he’s using an ultimatum because he thought you’d be easily manipulated
Stay home, save money.
Tell him to marry you if he wants the relationship to move forward
Tell him that that’s the only way you’ll move out and I’m a million percent sure he won’t do it
Person with more experience chiming in. Stay home and save up, boyfriend is not ready himself because you won’t move forward you’ll be stagnant or move backward. Financial stress is a key reason couples don’t make it, and you’ll be more responsible for the majority of the expenses than he will. Set a savings budget for each of you, keep the accounts separate and at the end of 2 years look at what you’ve both saved and make a decision then. If he isn’t on board then move on, find a partner who is a partner.
So you were 19 and he was 28 when you started dating. You are making more money at 24 then he was at 28 or now at 33. This is not sound financial ground. What happens if he loses his job?
Your decision to stay home and save money is sound assuming your parents respect you as an adult. Keep saving, you’re lucky to be in such a position.
If it’s an ultimatum on his part then call him on it. Tell him that moving in with him now would be financially irresponsible and you’re looking out for your future, whether that future includes him is up to him. He’s being a tad controlling here, or at least trying to be.
One word of advice, if you stay together and you save up enough to buy a house DO NOT put his name on the title/deed. It’s your money and your hard work that will have bought that house. Remember that.
Soooo you were 19 and he was 28? And he still can’t offer you financial stability and isn’t focused on that? Yuck. Sounds like you’re setting yourself up for a responsible future, and he’s in his 30s blowing through his funds
My recommendation is to stay with the parents and buy that house on your own. The housing market is in the early stage of a collapse. Keep saving and if you still have a job, then swoop in 2 to 4 years and get a hell of a bargain.
If you move in with him and he loses his job, then you will become the sole provider.
The 20s are a time of discovery and growth. Prioritize yourself, because if/when you marry and if you have kids, you will become a full-time caregiver/servant for decades.
If after 5 years all he’s talking about is shacking up and not marriage, then let the relationship end. Mid-20s and Mid-30s is more than old enough to get married so he’s not serious about you anyway, he just wants to move out and needs a co-signer and someone to split the rent with. Let him go, he can find a room mate for that
If he wanted the relationship to move forward, he would ask you to marry him. He wanted you to help relieve his living expenses, which is not a reason to move in together. Especially because you are at your parents and have an opportunity to help better secure your financial future. You can still date him, but sock the money away and reevaluate your relationship.
Save got a house. Separate property lasts forever. Men come and go
You already know the answer. You don’t want to move in within your BF. If you did, you would make it work. You living at home probably is stagnating the relationship. If you aren’t ready to go to the next step, then break up.
I’m sorry but financial responsibility should win every single time
He gave you an ultimatum. People who love and respect you don’t give you ultimatums that could potentially ruin your life. This is not the man for you.
Stay with your parents. Save money. Buy a house. Set your future up for success. Let The Man child run away and ruin somebody else’s life. Find someone who actually deserves you and won’t try and force you to make bad decisions for your future.
Stay home and tell him you’re serious about the house. When you buy the house DONT PUT HIS NAME DOWN AS A CO-OWNER IF HE DIDNT PAY FOR 50% OF IT!!!
Nobody who cared about you would force you to make a financially disadvantages decision. Especially an older man. He knows better and is prob trying to take advantage of you or keep you more under his control financially.
If you’re meant to be together you guys will move in together later and still have decades together…
He’s 33 and he is threatening to break up if you don’t move in with him and pay the gap he can’t afford to live independently. Is having any kind of marriage commitment important to you before living together? At this point I would be expecting an engagement before living together, you can always call off the engagement if you aren’t compatible. I certainly wouldn’t be eager to subsidize his inability to live alone, and I would be worried about his unwillingness to save up an emergency fund before moving out
He’s treating this like an either/or situation instead of an opportunity for you guys to collectively work towards a goal. Sit down and have a talk with him. Tell him you honestly do want your relationship to head to the next step and that you’d like the two of you to commit to a plan where you are each saving x% of your pay every month until you have each saved enough to be financially independent. Approach it like a true partnership. Then you have a set timeline and goal and at the end of that you can move in together. If he can’t see the wisdom in this, then he’s not mature enough to be with you. It’s already a red flag that at his age he’s not more financially secure.
So he was 28 and started dating you when you were 19 and now it’s been 5 years and he’s demanding cohabitation without marriage that will immediately harm you financially? Let him move on. He needs to be looking at partners at the same stage of life he is at.
He doesn’t want to “move the relationship forward.”He wants you to support his broke azz. Stay home and save up. He is not The One.
NTA
He isn’t saving to buy a house now? Even though he’s renting a room for cheap? He’s planning to use your savings. Stay home, let the guy go find another woman to leech off of, and buy your own home when the time is right.
Not even reading all that but stay home and save. You are young and if the relationship ends because you are being financially responsible then so be it.
So he’s not ready to buy a house at 33 but he expects you to be ready? I thought the whole point of women dating older is to leap frog into more security, and that’s the advantage older men have, financial maturity. If he has the financial maturity of a fellow 24 year old then what does he bring to the table a younger man with higher potential doesn’t?
Girl. STAY HOME. Save up. Write him a letter move on . I have lots tons too much of experience w men and w life in general. Don’t you move one single bone from your family until you can buy YOUR OWN place. Stay focused it will work out.
He’s using you & manipulating you about it because he’s too old for you.
Break up. You’re young and not ready. That’s fine. But don’t hold him up from what he wants.
House > boyfriend.
Always.
House > boyfriend.
If he wanted to marry you, he would propose with a house because that’s what you want.
As an older person who didn’t make wise financial decisions in life – you are being so smart to prioritize your finances in a smart way. You come first, making smart investments at the right time can set you up for life. Who knows if he is forever. So do what’s best for you!
He is a 33yo man who knows what he is asking of you. Please do not fall for this scam. He does not love you. Trust all of us on this.
He’s way too old for you anyway. You were 19 and we was almost 30 when you got together. You’ve spent your entire adulthood with this one guy so you don’t see the problems in this relationship.
Let him go. You live your life as a young adult and enjoy your youth while you have it. You can settle down later. Your plan is an excellent one.
Watch your birth control so he doesn’t baby-trap you when he can’t control you.
Nope, nope, NOPE. Stay at your parents’ house and secure your future. Also, he was in his late 20s dating a 19 year old? Blech. Let him go. Seriously, you need more life experience and opportunity to get to know other people.
He needs your money. He’s 9 years younger and you already earn more than him.
You will be better off with a house you own than a man you can’t afford.
I’ve always wished I had an opportunity to stay at home longer to save money. If you have the option, stay home. Two years is a small cost for home stability. In the grand scheme of things two years is not that long at all, and it isn’t putting either of your lives on hold.
I’m just a stranger on the internet so take this with a grain of salt, but I’m concerned about the age gap and his motives of moving you in. He’s moving you in with him so you can pay majority of his bills? That feels unreasonable. I would stay at home and save up. Mortgages end up being cheaper than rent, and as long as you can afford to maintain your home its more stable than renting. Make this decision for your own wellness, even if it’s tough. Best of luck OP
If your parents will allow you to stay for 2 more years to save for a house, do it. If the boyfriend has an issue with it, then you have your answer about him.
He does not sound like he values what you value. It also seems like he isn’t much of a planner or self starter. You have a rare opportunity for a young person. Staying home and saving money is a great way to ensure your future. Getting pressured into living on a shoe string isn’t offering much.
It’s tome to break up with him unless you want to raise a child, (him). He will use y9u to support himself.
Stay home and save money. Break up with him because he feels entitled to your support but doesn’t feel compelled to become a provider or a partner with an equal split.
Release him so he can find someone else to support him because he won’t be supporting himself.
Let the relationship end. Keep saving, buy a house when you’re ready and date and enjoy your 20s. You can fall in love again, you can find someone else to round up to being “the one.”
When you buy your own home and get married, if you choose to marry, make sure there is a prenup with and irrevocable clause about your house being yours only if things go south, even if future spouse contributes to mortgage as their rent bc they’d be paying rent somewhere anyway, don’t let future partner make you feel guilty bc it’s your house only; even if you don’t marry but let someone move-in and they pay you rent which will go to the mortgage, they are not buying ownership, they are simply tenants, have a clear and solid contract and remind future partner they’d being paying rent to someone, somewhere, so this isn’t different, they simply have an intimate relationship with landlord.
He’s going to expect you to fund your life together. He wants to buy a house, but you will end up oaring for him to have a house. If you break up, he will own half the house you paid for.
If he wanted to build a life with you, and go to the next step, he would have proposed to you, with a ring.
Since you mentioned none of that, I assume he just means living together, easy access to sex, and probably dumping the lions share of cleaning and cooking on you, Sweet.
It won’t be long before the excuses start for not getting married.
“We need more time”, “I’m not ready”, “We have to save more”, etc., etc.
That could go on for years, until you put a stop to it, and walk.
Stay home, buy a house. You will always have something that’s yours. Not all relationships are meant to be lifelong.
Good Luck!
Update me!!
He is 9 years older and pursued you when you were 19. You are in different life places. Never make yourself financially insecure for a relationship at your age. But he’s not wrong to want to find someone who wants to move forward. You should break up, imo, as the financial benefits of staying home seem really great, and you are very young. Financial struggles are actually the biggest breaker of relationships, more than cheating.
Stay independent.
Stay with your parents. He’s only using you for your money because he can’t afford to do it alone. If he breaks up with you because you want to stay home and save, he’s not the one. You are young. Date, play the field and find someone that matches your energy.
If it’s true love then two years shouldn’t matter. In two years or so you guys can buy a house and not pay rent. That is a huge advantage.
Also. If he is 33 and is only renting a small room that is a red flag to me.
He’s 33 (9yrs older than you, which doesn’t sound like a lot now, but will feel like a lot when you are 71 and he’s 80), you aren’t engaged, he hasn’t done anything to save for a future or a house, and he’s willing to break up with you if you don’t move in with him, compromise your financial future while still not offering a commitment. Um, no.
You aren’t compatible financially. Ask yourself when YOU are 33, where do you want to be financially? I’m guessing not where HE is at 33. You have higher goals and are willing to delay gratification to get there. And let’s not gloss over that as a 28yo man he thought it was appropriate to date a 19yo girl. Either he was very immature or just…gross because no matter how mature you think you were, you weren’t 28yo mature. Ask yourself, would you date a 19yo guy now or would that seem icky? How about in another 4 years, would that 19yo boy seem like a good partner?
If he has no savings and doesn’t make enough to live solo renting (because if you make the same and you can’t, he clearly can’t) if anything happens then you’ll constantly be expected to pay for his emergencies. Sure a life partner would do that for the person that they love, but there’s no real partnership in you being the only one sacrificing for those stumbling blocks. He’s 33 and has no long-term plans for himself, just a demand that you do something. I’d personally be pretty uncomfortable with that. And the age difference is less than ideal but not even the problem, his maturity level sounds a little questionable in that. He’s not getting younger, but is there a step following that he’s also going to start pushing you for before you are ready?
I think he needs to show his seriousness by having something to contribute to an emergency fund, not just a bunch of demands of you.
I am telling you this as a hopeless romantic who always followed love and got lucky in love: don’t sacrifice your goals for a man, ANY man.
You’re very young, and I don’t love the age gap (you were 19 and he was 28 when you started). Why is he giving you ultimatums even though you’re being the mature one here? And why does he want the relationship to move forward at your expense? No. Just no.
Unless you guys can be on the same page about the future, which includes your views on finances, it’s not a good match. What will your future look like? Do you tend to want to save but he always wants to spend? Disagreements on money is one of the main things that breaks couples up so it is important to consider.
You have been together for 5 years so it’s uncomfortable to consider breaking up. Imagine your future, does it feel unbearable without him in it? Can you imagine renting for a decade or more with him? What does it feel like when you imagine owning a house? Is owning a big deal/goal for you? What if you can’t afford to own (because you move out now)? Do you guys want the same things for the future aside from home ownership? Do you feel similarly about having kids and how you would raise them? Do you have similar financial goals? If so is he working towards them or just saying he wants to?
Largely you need to look at a persons actions and whether they align with their actions.
It sounds strange he is giving you an ultimatum if you are only talking about 2 years. I’m generally not a fan of ultimatums and would make me think this isn’t the right person for you. But read over and think about all those questions first.
Your smart to pause- stay w your parents, pursue your own goals, do you first.
He’s 33????? Let him go. Why isn’t he established? I say focus on yourself and secure property before you do anything. If he can’t wait let him go. Older guys date younger women for control. Owning your own property would give you some power even if yall never actually live there.
How much you wanna bet that if she moves in with him there will be a birth control failure on short order?
Let me get this straight. So if you don’t move out from your parent’s home and help financially support your bf he’s going to move on? Ummm…. I’d call that a life lesson of not the kind of person to lock yourself down with. If he truly loves you, he’d wait or offer to help buy a home for the two of you together.
Run.
Ok, not really. But do stay with your parents and save money. Also get a better boyfriend.
I think you’re a very mature young woman; you have goals that are rational & ambitious. Don’t let your BF or anyone distract you from that, this is long term planning for your future & trust me, in this situation, don’t be swayed by being emotionally manipulated ESPECIALLY by someone who isn’t your financial equal & has no ambition to save. Buy a lovely house, put it in your name & keep on long term investing. Good luck!
If he wants to move your relationship forward he should propose marriage and commit instead of pressuring you to move in without commitment.
edit: plus he’s moving you in to help his finances. He’s been out of college for over a decade or out working for 15 years? and doesn’t make as much as a new grad? You need to move on.
Looking for the age difference …. There it is. 9 years.
Do what’s best for you. Let him find someone else 🙄
You want to commit to a relationship that “isn’t moving forward”.
Sounds like you already made your decision and you want permission to break up with him.
This post has NOTHING to do with money or real estate. Time to face it and move forward
You sound more mature and fiscally responsible than your partner. Sometimes being an adult means short term pains for long term gains. He is wanting to fill a want that he has in the current moment without planning for the future. You may need to have more conversations to see if other things you want for yourself in the long term line up with what he wants for himself. If you cave and do what he wants now and things don’t work out – that can lead to resentment and regret. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. This kind of planning and thinking will set yourself up for the long future ahead of you. Maybe he still needs to do some learning and growing, but that’s not on you.
He wants you to live with him because he can’t afford a place on his own right now. Wants a house but isn’t saving for one? Nope. Don’t let him bring you down. Staying home and saving money is a good plan because even if you don’t buy a house right away, having that cushion when you do move out is very beneficial to you.
Also, WTF is a grown man doing dating a teenager? He was 28 when y’all started dating. That’s creepy. He wants someone without much life experience so he can have better control. There’s no reason to break up just because you don’t want to live together right now and are focused on your future. Buh-bye, loser.
So you were 19, and he was 28 when y’all got together?! GURL DUMP HIM! Here he is almost 30 and out of ALLLLLL the women in the world, he chose a young girl, fresh out of high school?!
Do you understand why this is just a little bit twisted? There’s a whole power imbalance here, with him being at a totally different place in his life right now than where you are, he’s gonna be the shot caller in your relationship if you continue with him.
You are 24 and you have been together 5 years. This means you started dating when you were still very young, and he is almost 10 years older than you. I am not going to say grooming (my husband and I have an 8 year age gap), but think carefully about how your ideas on relationships and finances have evolved. Have you shaped them around his ideas, or do you feel completely independent? I understand him saying that you need to live together to progress, but it also seems silly yo throw away 2 years of money that could buy you a home. Also, think seriously about why his salary has only just matched yours, considering the age difference. He should be well ahead of you. Finances are a major cause of breakups in a relationship, and I think you guys need to have some serious conversations before any decisions are made.
“he really wants to own a home but hasn’t been saving for it.”
Run.
He has almost a decade on you, is just now matching your salary. And he’s blackmailing you to move in with him. This is not a true partner and really not someone you need to hitch your star to. As the parent to a daughter just a little older than you I would recommend the same thing to her. Stick with your plan of staying home and facing, this is the time and chance you have to build your future. He needs to figure out his instead of counting on you to do so.
You started dating him at 19 y/o when he was 28? I don’t mean to be that person, but that sounds like grooming age. You’ve been at completely different stages of life since you started your relationship, and now that may be the issue. I think at the age you are, saving up for housing is a better option than moving in with a man without being proposed to and spending more of your income on housing. Also, being issued an ultimatum is never a good sign
Making decisions with a spouse is one thing.
Making bad decisions with a boyfriend is just a bad idea.
Your futures aren’t tied: cut him loose.
Hang on a sec…. He’s 33yo and relying on you for his financial security????
Hell no!!! You’ve got the initial 🚩🚩🚩flapping you in the face! Don’t ignore them
Stay at home with your parents, listen to your gut. You are a means to an end. He needs your income to improve his life. What does his credit history look like? Does he have any savings? At 33 he should be financially stable. Threatening to break up is manipulation, let him go.
Make sure you are fully funding your retirement plan, have an emergency fund to cover at least 6-12 months of expenses and start saving for your future home. If you are foolish enough to stay with this guy, keep your finances separate.
Ok so you said something interesting. You said, “everyone is telling me you shouldn’t live you life constantly considering another person and make decisions based on them but isn’t that what a relationship is?”
My question to you is this: You clearly believe that is part of what happens for a stable, healthy relationship. What does he believe? Is he, in ANY WAY, living HIS life constantly (occasionally? Never?) considering YOUR thoughts, feelings and opinions, and making HIS decisions based on those factors? You aren’t wrong in your beliefs. WITH THAT SAID, HOWEVER that is only ever true if BOTH PARTNERS TRULY BELIEVE IN THAT and it appears with what you’ve posted that it’s quite one sided. You do those things for him. I fail to see evidence he does them for you with the information given.
I’m not sure even what he wants from you- he wants to move forward and move in with you to a place that’s new to both of you, iirc? But then he ALSO says renting is a waste of money? So then buying a home- he isn’t making any movement towards being able to do that, is he hoping YOULL buy a house he will move into? Is he planning on paying you rent if that’s the case? Because he bloody well better be intending to.
But ALL of this means absolutely nothing because of one other thing you said, not outright, but seems clear to me: you don’t want to. PLEASE DONT DO THINGS YOU DONT WANT TO DO, OR FEEL MIGHT BE UNWISE, OR WILL COST FUTURE YOU FINANCIALLY/EMOTIONALLY/PHYSICALLY, BECAUSE A BOYFRIEND WANTS TO.
Have you heard the phrase “it’s either two enthusiastic YES’S or it’s a NO” what that means is there’s certain HUGE decisions in life that have to be made jointly. Things like “do we want to cook or order in?” can be negotiated. Things like “do we want to have children?” are applicable to this phrase. Your situation is applicable. If the idea of you moving to an apartment with him doesn’t fill you with excitement, but instead brings trepidation, weird feelings in your gut- that is NOT an enthusiastic yes, and your body is trying to tell you that through your gut.
You’re 24. Your life is YOURS to direct. If you feel staying another 2 years, saving and buying a house is what you need to move forward as an independent adult? Then do that. If he doesn’t want to wait, girl…let him go. Do not EVER allow yourself to be pushed, cajoled, influenced, or manipulated into a decision you’re having weird feelings about. Those weird feelings are absolutely invaluable and we had been teaching kids for decades to ignore them. I was raised that way and it has resulted in me putting myself into horrible situations because I was never taught my body was my own, or how to speak up if things aren’t right, or stand up for myself. I was raised to be a pleasant, accommodating, people-pleasing doormat. All that’s gotten me out of life is a head full of rage and resentment, I second and third guess myself because I have to stop and re-run my thoughts and feelings through a NEW filter and man….dont do this to yourself. See if you can step away and look at this as if it were two strangers- might make it easier to see if you’ve missed something.
Ultimatums are garbage. You’re being pressured by a 33 year old man who wants to get HIS life moving forward but with no actual savings or plans to do so. If he was in SUCH a rush to do these things because he is already 33, then maybe he should have looked for another 28 year old to be with 5 years ago instead of glomming onto a TEENAGER and expecting them to be at the same stage of life as themselves.
Sorry I personally feel like your bf is a bit of a douche and you are better off securing YOUR OWN future. You’re already outgrowing this guy and he is almost a decade older than you. He is not the one.
From the timeline and ages, he was a 28-29 year old dating a college freshman. Fast forward and now he’s 33, rents a room, has no savings, and threatens to end the relationship if you don’t do what he wants. This all sounds so sad.
Funny how when you mentioned your future it was a house and career? You already know the decision.