Hey y’all I am looking for advice again. Basically I brought it up to my roomate that it feels disrespectful and rude when she does not clean up after herself. She will leave sauce splatters on the stove top, I will often find crusty sauce on the floor and table (I eat in my office area everyday and she uses out dining table), she never vacuums under the dining table (she’s the only one that eats there + her boyfriend) and I always find crusty stuff on all of her dishes! Sometimes I will ask her to rewash dishes but even after I ask she still won’t wash off grime, sauce stains or crusty stuff!!! She does not clean as much as I do at all, and if she does, she does not clean diligently and will leave crusty stuff in corners, stains on the stove top, and splatters on the wall! Again she also never vacuums or swiffers the dining area.
Today I told her I feel like I should not have to ask her to clean up after herself because that should be a normal expectation/habit. I also have mostly restrained from asking her to clean up after herself because I don’t want to sound like her mother or too sassy (so I usually just clean up after her). But after the whole year I finally told her that she has not improved or it does not feel like she tries at all to clean up after herself, and I continuously find stuff on the dishes even after asking her to make sure she has washed all the food grime off (we also don’t have a dishwasher). But I finally broke when I found CAKE CRUST stuck onto the side of a baking pan.
She kept saying “how was I supposed to know that i left a mess” … like idk… by using your eyes? I don’t care about crumbs here or there but red stains on our white kitchen counter and sauce drippings on the table and floor? And she tells me that her messiness is MY FAULT because I didn’t tell her to clean up after herself. As a 20 year old woman you should know how to clean up after yourself without me micromanaging you. I shouldn’t even have to ask her in the first place she should just do it? Is it unreasonable to expect the clean dishes to be clean?
She blames me for not communicating with her… but here I am trying to communicate and she gets defensive. Then she says that I’m overreacting and shouldn’t expect her to clean up after herself, but at the same time she’s mad at me for not expressing my frustration earlier. On and on she says hypocritical things, and somehow ends up blaming me for her problems! I politely say that her actions have been inconsiderate and she needs to be more considerate with shared items and spaces but she tells me it’s my fault for not tell her to wipe up crusted sauce? Then she blames it on being raised a different way. Then I ask her how do you not see red sauce splatters on the stove, counter and wall. Then she says that there is nothing on the stove rn and she hasn’t used the stove in two weeks (like duh but I’m talking about the whole year, and there actually was red sauce stains). Then she says that she wipes the kitchen down with a Clorox wipe; this is my problem she only uses a Clorox while which will not lift stains from the counter top nor will one wipe do the job for sink cleaning and stove metal cleaning. Regardless if she uses the wipe, my point is she doesn’t do a good job and is not attentive.
I feel like my expectations are not that high. Crumbs have been piling up and I usually wipe and scrub off her sauce stains cuz I find that so disgusting. Whatever I say she blames me for it. This has happened in the past about other problems apart from apartment cleaning.
Then when I asked her to stop slamming her door late at night (2am) and early in the morning (9am) she says that I’m asking her too much? There is no reason to slam your bedroom door at 9am and shake the whole house? I said that was such a reasonable adjustment and all the sudden she starts saying how the walls are thin and she can hear my footsteps and she says I should get ear plugs. I am so conscious about my light footsteps and I barely walk around at night. I also cannot control the walls being thin but slamming doors is so preventable? Then she starts saying how I will play music during my showers… but I stopped playing music at all after 11pm because that’s usually when she goes to sleep. I just do not understand because earlier she asks me to communicate more with her upfront about issues, and when I bring up door slamming all the sudden I am asking too much. Like you can NOT slam the door? I can’t NOT walk to the bathroom when I need to go. And I definitely do not thump around.
Please help yall. I am so frustrated and most importantly disappointed and how immaturely she handled this situation. I spoke so calmly with her the whole time and during our conversation she was WHINING the whole time. She was not actually listening to me and how I felt, she was just waiting to rebuttle whatever I said. I have done things in the past that were rude and I openly admitted to them and truly apologized, but when I ask her to take accountability and to apologize and recognize her actions she will say “idk what you what me to do! Okay sorry! Are you happy now?!” It is so rude and makes me feel so in-considered. She does not care about how her actions affect others and she is not willing to face it! She won’t even hear me out or let me communicate!
Help!!!
Comments
You’re not being unreasonable at all. Basic cleanliness and respect for shared space shouldn’t need constant reminders. If she can’t take accountability or compromise, that’s not on, it’s a reflection of her immaturity, not your expectations.
PS yall… she lied to me and said that other people have told her I have been talking shit about her being uncleanly and not cleaning up after herself… I only talk to three people on campus, and it’s her (my roommate), my mother, and my hometown best friend… and when I confronted her about lying about that situation… she stayed quiet and had nothing to say because she knew she lied.
SO disrespectful and I am so disappointed. In times where I’ve miscommunicated to her or accidentally sounded rude over text when I didn’t mean to I will apologize and I feel bad and I recognize my actions and I change. She will not give in and she will not show me any sympathy for my frustration (bc I should not be mothering her). I am so disappointed she lied bc I did consider her a friend. I am even MORE disappointed she doesn’t care about how I feel.
Try having sympathy for others, get off Reddit that promotes constant discourse and only exasperates others’ stupidity, you have to look for friends with the mindset that they might think differently from you and your not gonna find anyone who thinks the same. You might hafta take risks and put your ego on the line.
If you think everyone is insufferable, the reality is it’s probably you. You may need to humble yourself and realize others are just as smart as you, but may have different priorities. Unfortunately, most people are just an average Joe. You cannot hold yourself to a high standard nor others.
You’ll also need to take risks and realize that making friends is gonna ruin some of your peace, but they also will bring you sanity. Being trapped in one’s head can make you mean and bitter, and leave you in an eco chamber of ideas that feeds your ego or opinions. Learning to interact with others who think different than you and accepting that-without using insults or becoming angry-will help you learn patience and sympathy and expand your perception of humanity.
At the end of the day most people want to laugh, have fun, and get by. If you can do those things for someone-make them laugh and comfort them at their lows-and they do the same for you, you’ll have a great friend, no matter the interests.
You’re right—you’re not her mother. She’s a 20-year-old adult, and it’s her responsibility to keep her space in the house or apartment clean. If she can’t even wash her own dishes or wipe up a bit of ketchup from the counter, it might be time to seriously consider finding a new roommate.
This isn’t a communication issue—it’s a laziness issue. She’s just using “lack of communication” as an excuse to avoid accountability. If it were really about communication, she wouldn’t be slamming doors when you try to talk to her. That’s not mature or constructive behavior.
I hope you’re able to resolve this, but honestly, if having a calm, adult conversation hasn’t worked, it might not ever work. You shouldn’t have to live in a messy space just because someone else refuses to clean up after themselves. You deserve better than that.
I think you’re in a ‘make this livable till I can move’ situation, so maybe it’s time to adjust your expectations. Try and worry less about the disrespect and taking responsibility stuff. You can’t control others, and it’s clear she isn’t going to do that. You don’t need a friend or even maturity from this person, just a workable roommate. Try and find the clearest, most concise version of changes you need from her. Make a chore chart so she doesn’t have to remember to clean, the cleaning she’s doing is reminded. Establish quiet hours for both of you – no shower music from 11-8 but no door slamming either. Just hammer out what kind of rules you think would work for both of you, then present them like ‘I think this would make us both happier, but I’d like to hear your suggestions’ and go from there.
Then every time she doesn’t do it, tell her. She said she didn’t know, let her know every time you have to clean up after. Not in a petty way, just as info. I’ve noticed a lot of people don’t realize how often someone else has to pick of after them, and pointing it out usually makes them a bit uncomfortable but also they often change.
Simple, easy peasy, time to look for a new roommate.